AIBU to think will I fuck apologies(111 Posts)
literally just happened, and I'm now sat upstairs seething.
I'm sat in the sitting room, oh is in the kitchen with dc2 who starts screaming crying (now I should add to be balanced that she has the EXACT same cry wether she is seriously hurt or has just been told no) I shout in 'what's happened?' no answer, I ask again, no answer.
I'm now in panic mode (oh is prone to freezing in emergency situations, just sat watching once when dc3 was choking) I run into the kitchen dc is screaming, I'm now shouting loudly 'for gods sake what's happened!!!, while picking her up, he's standing there looking like Mr Bean, I'm shouting 'don't just stand there, tell me what happened!!!'. He finally says that she had bumped her face off of his elbow.
I take her in and came her down. Oh starts stomping around, throwing things around, I ask him why he's doing it, he starts saying how I've spiking to him appallingly that I've to apologies to him and not to try and excuse my behaviour, etc, etc.
Seriously, do I have anything to apologies for?!
I can imagine him being a great copper - defined rules to work by, exacting standards, no need to make value judgements, just apply a set of criteria to a situation and see what the outcome is.
I get frustrated. Mega frustrated. But we tend to try and look at a situation and work out a 'rule' which would overcome it next time.
Who was looking after the dc when op was 'upstairs seething'? Surely couldn't have been the useless in a crisis unable to be trusted with his own dc husband?
Shouting and asking if everythings ok isn't over reacting, running straight in might have been.
I also have a husband like this. Useless as fuck. It's as if there is an invisible cocoon around him cutting him off from reality and preventing him from reacting quickly and appropriately in a crisis. It also prevents him from seeing normal tasks that need to be done. Don't apologise but do ask yourself if you can face many many further decades of this.
lougle I have a dh who is the same.
How do you get past the anger/irritation though?
I also feel he'd have an asd diagnosis and feel his parents also have mild aspergers too.
Dh is lovely but we have such a hectic life I sometimes feel enraged as he takes ten minutes to take the toddler to toilet etc.
he's a copper too, I can't imagine how?
Yes, I suppose it's possible that he didn't hear.
Perhaps in future he should "preempt" OP by just calling out "it's all fine" or whatever.
I do think you were BU.
DH reacts very similarly to the DH in this situation. He freezes, or even if he does react, his processing speed is quite slow.
He is aware of it, now, after an incident when dd2 stumbled and cut her forehead on the door frame and he carried on cleaning dd3's teeth. We realised then, that his 'wiring' is to complete one 'job' before moving onto another, because he finds multitasking tricky. I think if he was a child now, he'd get an ASD diagnosis, tbh.
We've overcome that by making a simple rule 'child crying and don't know reason, drop whatever you're doing and find out reason.' Incredibly simple, instinctive to most, but not all.
Similarly, DH is under-reactive to most situations (an employer once asked him to at least fake a panic in response to a looming deadline). He used to saunter across to the children if they'd hurt themselves. I found that (if I couldn't get there myself) saying 'DH, run ' gave him the hint he needed.
The point is, that he wants to be better in those situations and is improving and telling himself to react because he knows he doesn't naturally.
YABU because you ran into the kitchen and didn't assess if your DD looked ok. You should have seen that there were no obvious injuries, given that she can react like this for no reason. You are undermining your DH and the likelihood is that he will get worse and worse.
Child screaming in your ear in confined space vs someone calling from another room - would you hear?
Maybe OP was overreacting.
But when she first asked what had happened, why didn't her husband answer??!!
I know I'm repeating myself, but the man has 3 kids. Why is he incapable of dealing with one of them having an accidental bump? It must have happened dozens of times by now, and it's hardly rocket science
Exactly - so perish the thought he may actually know what he is doing after 3 kids, and the OP is somewhat over anxious.
Yes, I agree that the throwing things around bit was shitty. But the bit before: we just don't have enough information to conclude either way.
Is DD OK ?
How doe she feel about it ?
After that he started to throw things around!
He was acting badly imo.
I hope op and her H have both been able to have a chat and make a plan on how to deal with these kind of things in the future.
So many potentially unfair assumptions about OP's DH here.
We don't know what he was doing to comfort the child while OP was out of the room.
We don't know that he close or far away he was from her when OP came into the room, whether he was talking to her etc.
The whole "he hurt her and just left her crying" thing reeks of potential mischaracterisation. We don't know whether he accidentally bumped into her, or she bumped into him. We don't know how serious it was - not very, from the sounds of it. OP says that her DD has the exact same scream whether she is hurt or just being told 'no'. It could have been the most minor of incidents, DD could have been overreacting and playing for attention and OP's DH could have taken an appropriate decision not to encourage a silly reaction. I've certainly done that with my DSs from time to time.
So, we actually know nothing about the DH's reaction to his daughter in this instance. Let's stop with the bashing.
wI really don't get why the op is over protective/emotional because her dh didn't answer her?
As a pp said, the child was in the kitchen. She could have been burnt/scalded/cut/denied a treat. Op tried asking twice what was wrong. I would have been getting concerned too and gone in too.
Why is she in the wrong when the Dp didn't give his little girl a cuddle after bumping her? He couldn't have been that far away from her? Or just call to op that its all fine, not to worry?
Why is the op getting so much stick for checking on her child? I would as well with his track record!
But he hurt her and just left her crying.
That's massively shit.
OP sounds like she doesn't have much respect for her dh. She thinks her dh under-reacts and admits she over-reacts, based on some very difficult experiences.
Sounds very confusing for the kids.
OP, good idea re first aid classes but dh isn't the only one with an issue here. You and dh need to sit down and talk honestly and openly about how you can work together to avoid scaring your children with massive scenes about nothing.
That's probably why she was desperately trying to find out what'd happened, her DD was in the room with someone she knows is less than useless with this sort of stuff.
If the DD had burnt herself or something, she needs to be acting sharpish, not stand there trying to get info out of someone catching flies and gawping at her.
I'm sure it wasn't like the situation either of us have got set up in our minds, but the one set up in my head would make me furious at the time. If something's happened to my DD's I want to fucking know what went on. (although I've never had reason to get furious because it's always more than apparent what's happened because I can hear DH talking about it to them/me).
but not blaming op. think she has been through a lot.
no I am certainly not 'determined to put the op in the wrong' but we can only judge in her posts and personally speaking have picked out these points.
the op has had numerous life threatening situations to deal with as a young child, ( read her subsequent posts)
she shouted and ran into the kitchen while her dd was crying knowing that her dh was with the dd and that her dd screams on many occasions.
she picks up dd while still shouting for gods sake what's happened and her dd is ok.
she seemed to me to have completely overreacted and pusses off her dh who may have been calmly dealing with the situation.
a screaming crying child dies not need a shouting running parent.
I can understand in these circumstances her dh being mightily pissed off at her reactions.
I know I'm repeating myself, but the man has 3 kids. Why is he incapable of dealing with one of them having an accidental bump? It must have happened dozens of times by now, and it's hardly rocket science to give them a hug and reassure them if they're very small.
Re the first aid thing - people seem to want to have this both ways. Either he was being the calm, cool superman in a crisis, assessing the situation and working out the best response (unlike the 'hysterical' OP...) or there was no crisis so he was quite rightly not reacting, unlike the hysterical overreacting OP. Now it could be one or the other of these things but not both. Either way there are a lot of posts determined to put the OP in the wrong here, which is why I'm trying to put the other side.
Mmm knowing how he'd act with his DD upset when he's on his own would show whether he's doing it on purpose to teach her a lesson or has got a genuine mental block when it comes to something...I was going to say out of the ordinary, but children getting overemotional is totally normal, emotional maybe? Perhaps he's not sure what's expected of him in this kind of situation and he ends up just doing nothing.
Be interesting to know how he is with other routine 'dramas' as well. Like what happens if his car breaks down? Does he just stand next to it looking vacant? Or someone gets upset at him at work, does he just go into blank mode?
It'd probably completely throw me tbh, it'd be the reaction I'd least expect and I'd end up doing it back at him at a loss of what to say
My DF is like you, OP. As kids growing up it was horrendous.
Every noise - me and DB messing about, something dropping on the floor, squeals, shouts - was met with a shouted "WHAT'S HAPPENING" followed by panicked stomps up the stairs, barging in, more shouting.
Completely unnecessary and it was just him casting his anxiety about. It was oppressive.
OP you need to get your anxiety under control. What do you think your DC2 is thinking - is learning - when you are shouting loudly "FOR GOD'S SAKE WHAT IS HAPPENING" in response to a minor incident. You need better coping strategies and to teach your children better coping strategies.
Your DH may also be in the wrong by the sounds of it. TBH though, I also wouldn't react well to someone screaming at me over nothing. The grown up thing would be for you each to apologise with each other and work out how you deal with future incidents. I suggest that when you hear her cry, you get up, walk in, and calmly ask if she is okay and that your DH answers you.
He's a very loving dad and is thoroughly adored by our dc, but yes I can't fully entrust him with their physical safety
Or you may be a tad over anxious? Just reading your posts I get that impression.
no I quite see your point Agent. I wonder if the op was actually not in the house how he would act? he could be superman in the quiet!! maybe???
op go teach him your skills. hope you are speaking now and sorted.
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