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AIBU?

To think my mum is/had an affair?

89 replies

Rubydoo80 · 16/08/2013 10:42

I am in shock.
My dad died 3 months ago. He had been ill for sometime an my mum and I cared for him. Up until Christmas last year he was reasonably fine so losing him this soon was a big shock.
In recent years my dad became defensive about some of my mums friends and openly said he didn't like some of them. In particular a couple of men.
One of the men, my mums old work friend, is married and a few years ago his wife had a nervous breakdown and was sectioned for a while. His poor wife kept saying that her husband was having an affair with my mum but it was dismissed as delusions as she was hallucinating at the time. Thankfully she's now recovered.
Anyway the past couple of years I suspected my mum may be upto something as she'd have short periods of being missing.
Like she'd tell my dad she was coming to mine but not turn up for an hour. I only live 10 mins away.
Or she would leave my house saying she was going home but if I called her house she wouldn't be in for ages. When I asked her it was always an excuse like she had to get petrol or something but still didn't really explain the amount of time she spent.
She would even tell me she had been round a female friends house but I dad asked to tell him she was with me.
One day after much suspicion I asked her outright if she was having an affair and she was very angry I'd even asked and denied it.
I didn't think any more of it.
My dad passed away and this man friend of my mums came to the funeral with his wife.
Since then I have come round to my parents house to find him here. Mum says he pops over on his lunch break sometimes to make sure she's ok, which I thought was nice. It's not something he's ever done before though.
Anyway today is her birthday and I knew she would be upset without my dad. We are having a family party for her. She's at work right now and I've just been organising things and went to where she usually keeps the table cloths. In the drawer was a birthday card from this man that's says "to my sexy lady lots of love always your sexy man xxx".
All her other cards are out this one was hidden.

What do I do or say to her? I don't want to upset her but equally I feel like she's betrayed me and my dad.

Please help!

OP posts:

Report

RedHelenB · 16/08/2013 10:44

How's she betrayed you? Maybe your Dad but maybe not - i really wouldn't dwell on this. I would hate to have to account for my time to my dds!

Rubydoo80 · 16/08/2013 10:48

A) by lying to me when I asked outright B) by asking me to cover for her whereabouts to my dad
Also by making out my dad was being unreasonable at times when in fact she has been unreasonable.
My parents have been together for more than 30 years and I am an only child. The three of us have always been very close.

OP posts:

SweetSeraphim · 16/08/2013 10:49

I hate to say it, but it's sort of none of your business. It can't hurt your Dad, and at this point, it can only cause trouble.

SweetSeraphim · 16/08/2013 10:49

Sorry about your Dad, btw x

fuzzywuzzy · 16/08/2013 10:51

IT all sounds vile, this man and your mum have caused so much pain to both sets of their spouses.

I wouldn't care about upsetting her, I'd tell her I knew. And step back from her.

It's her life she can live it how she wants. It's a really evil thing to do to the respective partners.

megsmouse · 16/08/2013 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

magimedi · 16/08/2013 10:52

I am with Sweet here.

It's always a shock (however old you are) to find out that your parents are fallible.

Sorry for the loss of your Dad - I suspect he would still want you to support your Mum.

leobear · 16/08/2013 10:54

I can see why you are so upset, and of course this is compounded by grief. I'm so sorry. But you are not responsible for what your parents do/did, and you can never really know what went on. It won't make you feel any better. I would concentrate on remembering all the happy times with your dad, and making the most of your mum being alive and well, however she chooses to live the rest of her life. Best wishes

ParsingFancy · 16/08/2013 10:57

I know where you're coming from, OP.

The really damaging thing about affairs isn't the sex, it's the lying and gaslighting. Your mother has involved you in that, lied to you, asked you to lie for her, and made you her alibi. Of course that's betraying you.

You also know the pair of them have done the same to someone very vulnerable. In fact the gaslighting may be actively damaging the OM's wife's mental health. It's a horrible thing to do.

OrmirianResurgam · 16/08/2013 11:04

Agree with parsing.

TheTurdsOfMisery · 16/08/2013 11:04

None of your business I'm afraid. She's an adult and she will answer for her (for want of a better word) sins to whomever she wants when she wants and if she wants. We only have snapsnots of our parents' lives once we've left home and you may not know half as much as you think you know. I know you can't unsee it but you've no business at all raising the matter with your Mum

Rubydoo80 · 16/08/2013 11:16

Well whatever has happened in the past is my mums business yes. But that still doesn't stop me feeling the hurt especially when we are both still grieving for my dad.

I would never dismiss her from my life. I still love her so much. Me and mum have a very close special bond. In fact I'd rather she'd be honest with me about things-though I understand that she wouldn't want to with me.

What I really hate is that this guy has started muscling in.
He recently came to my house to build me a big dog kennel and I've seen him coming round my parents house loads of times in the past few weeks.
It might be because he feels he needs to be a friend to us having lost my dad as I barely saw him before but looking back at it I feel he's being inappropriate now.

The card is most definitely not from my dad. This is a special birthday and the card has the age on it. I would usually buy his cards for him, My dad passed away several weeks ago plus it's not his writing.

OP posts:

peggyundercrackers · 16/08/2013 11:22

im with fuzzywuzzy - i would tell her you knew then step back. i dont mind a lot of things but I cant abide liars.

WilsonFrickett · 16/08/2013 11:22

I think it's terrible that you've found this out in this way, so soon after your dad's death. Your grief must be very raw, and with this on top of it...

No-one can tell you what to do or how to handle it, and of course you don't want to cut your mum out of your life, so I think you have to tell her you know. You may also tell her you're not up to discussing it yet, but I think you have to tell her you know.

And then I think you have to tell this man's wife. Some posters may see this as bad advice, it's interfering with another couples' relationship, I get all that, but her mental health has suffered hugely from his lies, he's been gaslighting her for years - and probably still is, more so since your dad died. I really think you have to tell her.

kinkyfuckery · 16/08/2013 11:27

Firstly, so sorry for your loss.

Do you know that the card is definitely from this man, and not from someone else she may be seeing?

It's very difficult, I know, but you have to detach from how she has let you and your dad down. If the opportunity arises, you need to let her know how unfair she is being on the man's wife. Maybe just in a general conversation if it comes up.

YouTheCat · 16/08/2013 11:29

Maybe your mum had already done her grieving while your dad was alive? I know when my dad had cancer I had already started the grieving process and by the time he died I had come to terms with how things were.

The fact is, it really is none of your business. The card was in a drawer, not on display.

Your mum may well be unreasonable but I'd imagine it has all been very stressful. She might be considering her own mortality and wanting to make up for lost time. Obviously if this man is married then that's not a good thing at all but cut her some slack and let her get on.

And stop snooping in drawers.

Really sorry for your loss.

lunar1 · 16/08/2013 11:35

I'd have to find out the truth. If they had an affair which contributed to a woman having a breakdown and being sectioned then she has the right to know that she was right all along. It may prevent it from happening again.

WhataSook · 16/08/2013 11:38

I don't understand this MN thing of it's none of your business. It absolutely is her business, it's her mum and was her dad, if shit that involves them is none of her business then I give up on society!

It's like saying the couple next door having a row over something screaming and possibly hitting going on is none of your business. Making stuff your business is what makes us a society and keeps (hopefully) us in the right moral direction.

I'm sorry for your loss, and if it were me I'd tell my mum I found the card and take it from there. You say you love your mum so will both work on making things right.

WhataSook · 16/08/2013 11:39

I mean making things right between with each other - not about the affair!

Rubydoo80 · 16/08/2013 11:44

Thanks sook. If it were none of my business then what kind of daughter would I be? That would basically be like me saying I don't care about the relationships within the family.
Well it's my mums birthday and I know she loves my dad.
Although he had been ill since Christmas we had no idea he wouldn't make it, even when he ended up in intensive care on a ventilator (whilst I gave birth to their first grandchild), so she hasn't done all her grieving yet.

What I imagine has happened is that she had an affair with this guy and it ended. Then my dad died and this guy thinks he can take up with my mum again. Despite him still being married.
I don't know for sure though and I will probably ask her abou it but I will let her enjoy her birthday and maybe give it a couple of weeks.

OP posts:

TheCraicDealer · 16/08/2013 11:47

Living with someone who has been sick for a long time is stressful and marriages suffer. If your DMum found solace and an escape from that part of her life with the OM which allowed her to support your DDad then I'd try to "forgive" her as best I could.

However, I would not be happy with this guy acting like he's your new Daddy and upping his involvement with your family. You can forgive your Mum without welcoming him into the fold with open arms.

I would tell your Mum you know, you don't agree with her actions but what's done is done. However, you do not feel comfortable around this man because of his martial status and their history, and so for the moment you would rather that she arrange his visits for when you're not there.

As someone who's own DM had an affair (thankfully over now, although nine years was quite long enough for me to form an opinion), the thing that fucked me off was her lack of discretion. And for that reason I've told my DP that if he ever does err, he better respect my intelligence enough to not let me suspect or find out.

SweetSeraphim · 16/08/2013 11:58

I do totally understand why you feel betrayed. But the posters that are telling you to tell her you know, and then cut her out? And tell the OM's WIFE??? Completely out of order.

You love your mum. I see no harm in telling her that you know, but getting involved any further is hugely overstepping the mark, imo.

I would be fucked off if the OM started sniffing round the family though.

SweetSeraphim · 16/08/2013 11:59

Loa · 16/08/2013 12:02

I don?t think I?d appreciate my DC asking me to account for my time or to accuse my of having an affair or asking any questions about my sex life. It would be cross a boundary ? I?m their mother not their possession.

However I wouldn?t involve my DC in any lies or evasions and I can see why you are upset about that OP.

I would ask her about this guy hanging round now ? as its making you feel uncomfortable.

I'd also ask her not to lie or be avassive in future with you - even if that means her telling you things are none of your bussiness.

I would also bear in mind that while you image they had a past affair they may have not done anything wrong but just had an unacted upon attraction or they may both have had to deal with paranoid spouses ? or they may both have had series of affairs with many others.

I not sure you?d be helped by knowing 'the truth' and whatever she/they tell you are you really going to believe them now?

fuzzywuzzy · 16/08/2013 12:13

Dunno, I'd consider being asked to lie to my father by my mother as her involving me in her sordid little affair.

That fact alone has dragged OP into this and makes it her business.

Tell your mother you know and ask her to treat you like someone with at least basic common sense.

It's a really horrendous way to treat the people they married and OP for dragging her into it in the first place.

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