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To either not to go the party or expect adults not to smoke around my toddler

(136 Posts)
Lulututu Fri 28-Jun-13 15:16:51

I haven't been on in a while but I am hoping I can have some opinions as to whether I am expecting too much or been abit precious...

So my mum is hosting a baby shower for my sil....apparently it's going to be nice weather Sunday it may be held in the garden. Most of my family smoke as do sil's family and friends and I am quite fussy about smoking around my toddler. There's the obvious don't make around her indoors....but when its outdoors my mum thinks I am been fussy expecting people not to smoke around her 'as it evaporates after 10 seconds'.

So my mum has stated that she wants sil family to feel welcome so they will be allowed to smoke wherever they want outside in the small garden. I don't want my toddler running in and out of people's smoke and I can't expect her to sit still for 2-3 hours or sit indoors when all the action is outdoors so I am thinking about not taking her? Tbh I am so annoyed my mum is not bothered about my daughters health I am considering not going myself....

I asked my mum is she would have her guests smoke at the side of the house or similar in a designated smoking area...that way I don't have to worry about my toddler breathing in the smoke as i would make sure she didn't go play over there but this idea was laughed at as apparently I can't expect my lo to live in a bubble.

I just find it really awful that people would even want to smoke sat near a toddler anyway...no she isn't newborn but she still has developing lungs and its gives me a headache sat near passive smoke so I don't want her exposed to it even if it is outside. Of course I can't keep my child in a bubble but I just think family, especially GP's should be abit more understanding about me not wanting a family party to have smoking around children.

So AIBU to not take my little girl with me as even though its a 'family/child friendly' party I don't see nowt it is if everyone is puffing away around her and my mum won't consider a 'smoking area'. When I told my mum I was considering not taking my daughter she said 'well what do u think is more important, X mixing with her family or you been fussy about abit of smoke' my answer to that was that 'if my family are so bothered about seeing my daughter they will hold off on the ciggies or smoke away from her while she is at the party'

I am not anti-smoking...most of my friends smoke...they just know not to do it near children.

Opinions much appreciated as no matter how I try and explain the dangers of passive smoking in children to my mum she thinks I am ridiculous as long as its not blown in her face!

Thanks :-)

mrsjay Fri 28-Jun-13 15:19:13

I asked my mum is she would have her guests smoke at the side of the house or similar in a designated smoking area

I think this is a good idea set up a seat or 2 and an ashtraya nd the smokers can go round and have a smoke, set it up yourself say SIL doesnt need to be breathing in the fumes either, the smokers wont mind I am a smoker and would go away from children to smoke,

FannyFifer Fri 28-Jun-13 15:19:15

[Hands OP a grip]

Outside, as a one-off, for 2-3 hours? Wouldn't bother me at all. I think YANBU not to go, but to expect everyone to change their behaviour, YABU.

mrsjay Fri 28-Jun-13 15:23:24

I would still go though just direct the smokers to the smoking area

LemonBreeland Fri 28-Jun-13 15:26:08

If your Mum won't respect your wishes I wouldn't take your DD. It may be outside but if the majority are smoking then your dd will be breathing itin.

I wouldn't take her tbh. When adults sit or stand with their arms by side holding a cig it's perfect toddler height. If the garden isn't big enough for them to be standing well away from people whilst doing it then i wouldn't want my toddler running about amongst it either. Don't care I anyone sees that as precious or not. It's not good for them end of and it can irritate airways even if it doesn't cause then to wheeze or cough.

sonlypuppyfat Fri 28-Jun-13 15:30:35

Oh if I moan about my DM smoking she tells me I'm just being silly. She thinks fags are bloody lovely and when my Dcs complain about the smell she accuses me of brainwashing them!

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 28-Jun-13 15:31:49

I don't think your mums being ur.

LemonPeculiarJones Fri 28-Jun-13 15:34:10

At a gathering which is a mix of adults and children there needs to be compromise and the compromises should be made by the adults, as far as smoking is concerned. Every doofus knows passive smoking is harmful.

Minimal smoking in a designated area if kids are running around sounds more than fair to the smokers.

Amazed that grown adults wouldn't take responsibility about this.

YANBU. Perhaps you could go for a bit? Show your faces and then take yourselves off for a fun afternoon elsewhere.

SilkySocksSinkShips Fri 28-Jun-13 15:34:29

I would like to think, at a child's party, the adults would stand somewhere not near the children to smoke. And I say that as a smoker with a toddler. I've never smoked around my child and certainly not when at a party.

Lulututu Fri 28-Jun-13 15:41:16

If it really was just a one off then I could probably live with it....but all my family smoke so if I go with it this time then next time we have a family get together or go to someones house is it going to be a case of people been even less bothered next time. I wouldn't have felt comfortable with people smoking around her last year as a baby and she has the same pair of lungs so just because she is a year older I still feel protective and hate the idea of her breathing in smoke iyswim. Obviously as she gets older she can decide for herself if she wants to be around a smoky garden but while she is this age I feel it's my job to protect her from something she has no control over.

I'm not allowed to make a smoking area...it's not my house, it's my mums house so her rules go and she has already said I am not to do that. I thought that would have been a good compromise.

My mum said I should stay in the house (smoke free) with lo if I don't like it but what's the point in taking her to keep her away from everybody and her to get upset I won't let her outside.

Also a baby shower and smoking around my heavily pregnant sil just seems wrong to me....

Marcheline Fri 28-Jun-13 15:41:28

Yanbu.

I hate people smoking around my children, so if they light up, I take my children elsewhere.

I just don't understand why anyone would think it's ok to smoke around children. Deadly chemicals aside, it's not a good thing for children to see. Haven't studies shown that children who witness smoking at home are much more likely to start smoking themselves, because they think it's normal?

Just don't take your DD.

MarinaIvy Fri 28-Jun-13 15:44:02

YANBU

TooMuchRain Fri 28-Jun-13 15:44:38

I don't see the problem if outside, and this is a day for your sil so let her be the centre of attention

Marcheline Fri 28-Jun-13 15:45:16

X-post. Apologise to your SIL for not attending her party and tell her what you wrote ^^ above me.

As she is soon to be a parent, you might find that she is on your side and might hae a word with your mum?

As an aside, I can't believe that your mum would disregard the health of her granddaughter with such flippancy. Her house, her rules? Fine. Just don't take your DD there.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Fri 28-Jun-13 15:46:31

Are the family inconsiderate people? Will they not see that it's not good to smoke next to a toddler and a pregnant woman?

You have my sympathies op. I'd probably go for a bit - see how it's going - and if its really gross, I'd go home.

Yanbu it's disgusting that your mum won't consider a smoking area/they can't hold off smoking for a couple of hours so your dd can go and not end up stinking of smoke and breathing it in angry

My gran smoked around me since I was born and I used to moan about it all the time even as a toddler - it made me feel sick, like I was choking and couldn't breathe sad I have a jippy chest and athsma brought on from childhood and I blame my mum for not stopping my gran smoking near me.

SoupDragon Fri 28-Jun-13 15:51:18

So, they will be smoking in the garden>
A garden which is, I assume, open air and thus well ventilated?
And you want everyone else to pander, excessively, to the perceived needs of one toddler?

SoupDragon Fri 28-Jun-13 15:51:56

I am anti-smoking and think you are being OTT and precious.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Fri 28-Jun-13 15:52:07

Passive smoking occurs outside as well hmm

I would go and if they light up make a point of moving your DD away from whoever it is, if they all carry on smoking around her - then I'd leave.

You are right about needing to make a stand or this getting to be acceptable behaviour around your DD.

<Throws GRIP back to FannyFifer>

Yanbu. Don't take her. You can't expect these people to see your point of view.

boredoftrying Fri 28-Jun-13 15:52:42

YANBU

My Mum smokes but has never smoked in front of my ds, when we are at her house she either doesn't smoke whilst we are there or if she "needs" one then she will go out to the front of the house (if we are in the garden) or will go into the garden if we are in the house. My ds doesn't even know she smokes!

I cannot stand smoking and won't have it around my ds or myself if I were pregnant.

fromparistoberlin Fri 28-Jun-13 15:54:18

dont go to

Italy
spain
egypt
moroocco
france

or in as time machine to the 70s!

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