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to be a bit upset that DH wants almost the entirety of my paycheck?

(215 Posts)
izchaz Thu 20-Jun-13 18:27:41

This is likely to be long, so skip if you're not in the mood for an opus:

I have just started a new job after 6 agonising months of waiting for NHS Admin to get their arses into gear and get all my work-ducks in a row. In that time I have not been earning as I was deeply unhappy in my last job, so left as soon as it was confirmed I would be getting my new job (with DH's 100% blessing, he hated my old job more than I did).
When I finished my last job I didn't expect the gap between finishing one and starting the next to be longer than 6 weeks, but it became increasingly protracted as the Admin goalposts got moved time and again.
So for 6 months I have been financially dependent on DH, consequently I have been very frugal, initially living on savings, then on £150 pounds a month that he gave me to cover bills and student loan repayments. At every point in that time I have been feeling guilty and have done everything to keep costs down - I have not socialised or driven my car for 6 months, I ate 1 meal a day when DH was away at work so as to conserve food (until I found out I was pregnant) and have generally been filling my time with free or cheap productive past times.
I am expecting my first paycheck in early July and DH has just announced that I can "keep £250 of it, but I've to pay the rest to him to fill the hole in his finances before the baby comes (after xmas)" this is to go on until I go on matt leave.
Now I'm a first time mum, but from what I've seen of maternity wear etc, I'm not going to be able to cover my commute expenses, feed my ravenous appetite AND suitably clothe myself on £250 a month, not to mention cover my bills etc.
I feel I should add DH makes a little over 20k a year, he owns our house and we live a fairly sparse lifestyle, our major outgoing is his commute, which is about to halve when we move next week, whilst mine will treble to over an hour.

So AIBU to be a bit upset that my first paychecks in 6 months and my last paychecks of relative financial freedom before I become a mum are going to go back to DH? Or should I just be happy that he supported me through the last 6 months and get over "my money" "his money" and just accept that this is the way married life is?

Ashoething Fri 21-Jun-13 13:16:49

I am veryconfused by this thread. Op makes no mention of dh's affair and another poster seems to suggest that this is the op's 3rd child while the op suggests it is their 1st?

Whats going on?

JRmumma Fri 21-Jun-13 14:04:07

I dont think the info given makes it possible to determine whether OP's husband is taking all of her money as he feels that she owes him, or whether there is a sensible rationale behind leaving her £250 a month to 'spend' and the rest is going into the pot so to speak, however some of the language used by her is quite indicative that whats his is his, and whats hers is thiers.

She says 'one of our major outgoings is his commute, and we had nearly cleared his overdraft, while at the same time saying how she, not they will clear hers.

I also fail to understand how she can be financially tied up in a house that isnt also in your name? I understand living with a partner who owns a house and contributing in the sense that you dont want to live thier rent free while they have all of the financial burden, in this case I would insist on paying my way. But once you are married and start a family, these expenses become both of yours, regardless of who is earning the money, they are paid on behalf of you all as a family, out of the family's money.

Dont get me wrong, each to thier own in terms of how seperate or together a married couple's finances are, and in my own marriage (and baby on the way so about to go on MAT leave), we have sat down and looked at what comes in, and what needs to go out, allocated an amount of money per month for each of us to spend how we wish (equal, even though ill be bringing in much less) and the remainder of the money will be ours as a family. Im not saying this is the right way for everyone, but whilst I agree that how we spend our family money should be a joint decision, i couldnt bear the thought of feeling guilty for buying myself a new pair of expensive shoes if i wanted them, or resenting my DH for splashing out on something for himself that I see as unnecessary if it comes out of 'our' money. So think its important that we keep a little bit back for ourselves to do whatever we want with.

FairPhyllis Fri 21-Jun-13 14:30:37

This is financial abuse.

If he was doing the shopping, then he knew what he was buying and he knew that it wasn't enough for you to be able to eat. Nobody is stupid enough not to realise that.

You think he "supported you" over the last few months? I'd say he barely bothered to keep you alive.

You seriously need to ring Women's Aid for help with this abusive relationship, now.

You are the first person he has 'successfully lived with'. What's that about? Why did his previous relationships break up?

Loa Fri 21-Jun-13 15:06:41

I don't think it's disturbing you have separate finances what I find worrying is that you can't talk to your DH about money.

God know mine can be difficult about having money conversations - zero interest in finance -but we do have them and we compromise.

If your DH wants to clear the over draft - that makes sense but the specifies of how much you and he put towards that need to be talked through - and you need to talk about the upcoming costs of the baby and what happens after.

I do wonder how much information about your finances you have given him - as you did not tell him he wasn't buying enough food as 'hid' the issue from him rather than using up what you had in and letting him 'realize' that it was being used more frequently than normal.

I'm not sure it reasonable to expect him to guesses - its takes us some adjusting that we eat more the weeks DH is around than weeks he works away.

samandi Fri 21-Jun-13 15:24:39

How very peculiar.

What I want to know is why OP was making student loan repayments when she wasn't working.

What I want to know is what on earth NHS job the OP has which wouldn't let her start a zero hours contract for 6 months whilst they arranged 'training days'. I have racked my brains and I can't work it out hmm

8thplace Fri 21-Jun-13 17:10:24

I think NHS nurse bank workers may have zero hour contacts and would probably need induction training days such as manual handling, infection control, POVA training etc.

Might also be the case for other temp contract workers like phlebotomists and HCAs.

Just a thought.

Yes that kind of training could be applicable but it happens all the time because people constantly need join and need it. You tend to agree a start date and book people on asap after that. Six months is a long time to wait to get all the dates and tbh bank is something that a lot of people do as well as another job rather than something you would give up a permanent role for. If that's what the OP has done (whilst she was ttc) then all I can say is that was not the best ever decision!

MummytoKatie Fri 21-Jun-13 18:34:16

I don't get it at all.

"Dh - when you are doing the shopping could you get an extra loaf of bread and some ham and cheese so I can use them to make my sandwiches."

Problem solved at a cost of maybe £5 per week.

You were ttcing right? Did it not occur to you that not eating is not the most sensible way of saving money what with your body being used to grow a baby?

And how about for the money situation now:-

We should do a spreadsheet to work out what money we have and will need. My commute is going to go up and I really really need some maternity clothes before my current jeans chop the baby's leg off."

If you can't have that discussion then there is something really really wrong with your marriage!

izchaz Tue 25-Jun-13 15:27:01

Hi all, thanks for the input and apologies for my absence - very very hectic few days.
Have sat down and arranged more flexible terms for our respective paychecks - my main point in posting on here was quite literally to find out if I was being unreasonable, in which case I could re-hash what we had discussed already. There are lots of wee fiddly questions that have been asked which I feel are more for the edification of the poster who asks than for clarification, so I'm not going to in to them.
Anyway, thanks again for the input.

Good news, glad everything is OK smile

grin Sure Op - don't worry about fiddly questions like what on earth were you thinking?

ICantRememberWhatSheSaid Tue 25-Jun-13 18:43:55

hmm confused. Err what? Not really sure where you are now but I hope you have really read all the posts. You have been given a lot things to think about. I didnt think that the distribution of money was the biggest problem by a long shot.

Good luck OP.

Emilythornesbff Tue 25-Jun-13 20:16:34

I'm a bit confused, sorry.
But it sounds as though your DH has a better grasp of your family finances than you do and he's letting you know that to stay afloat and be financially prepared for your baby(congratulations) and that you are not happy with the amount of spending money he's suggesting you're left with to cover clothes, "work food" and personal bils (like your phone).
Is this the case?
I don't understand why he did the food shopping when you were at home, or why you restricted your diet to save money.
Is this about paying him back? Or straightening your finances?
And after being so extreme in your frugal actions, it seems incongruous to now be wanting to buy lunch rather take a sandwich to work or consider a more budget conscious way of shopping for maternity clothes (eBay would be full of barely worn lovely stuff.)
So please excuse my ignorance.
But I think I can understand that after being so tight with cash when not working you might have been looking forward to having the extra money.
Is that why you were so keen not to "cost him" much? So you could keep your earnings without feeling selfish?

plieadianpony Tue 25-Jun-13 20:37:51

ichaz I hope you are doing o.k and feeling a little bit better. I am actually quite shocked at the alarmist comments on here!! cloudsandtrees voice of reason and balance!!!

I can honestly say that I don't know enough about your financial situation to make a judgement. It is ridiculously strong to suggest this situation is financial abuse!!

What i do know from my own situation is this.

I (probably like you maybe?!) have been financially independent for a really long time. Pooling money with anyone has been a real struggle and I HATE being reliant on anyone! Since shortly before getting married (Have been in relationship for 9 years, married for two and a bit) me and DH mellowed. we have kind of supported each other at different points and have a joint account which we both pay into. This covers the bills. we have had different arrangements that suit us at different time depending on circumstances.

There are occasional 'flash point's around money (small tensions) when circumstances change but we iron them out.

You need to be able to speak to your DH about this. You have deprived yourself of the things you need, food and a social life!! As a person who has been utterly frugal at times I can identify with why you have chosen to do this. If this is the culture in your marriage then perhaps you need to look at changing it.

I would be a bit worried if you say you feel like you can't stand up to him. You are newly pregnant and you need stuff.

I would advise you to talk to him. If you can't talk to him (even have a good HEALTHY row!) then you have got something to worry about and this needs sorting.

The hole in his finance is a hole in the FAMILY finances. Everything changes when you get pregnant/start a family. I really hope you come back to this board and read some more optimistic perspectives.

To the people who have called OP's DH a cunt and abusive Calling him 'abusive and a cunt' is really strong and doesn't help the OP one bit. It is not really clear whether OP has decided herself whether to deprive herself. I bet she's feeling even worse having been on here.....

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