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Dd1 aged 13 wants to go to a party tomorrow......

(140 Posts)
Xroads Thu 21-Feb-13 08:43:28

wearing these

and some wet look leggings (which she wants to buy today, I've said I think it will look tarty for her age) and a top.

She thinks its ok to spend all her money on the shoes and leggings (£35) and not leave enough to buy drinks whilst at the party. I said she will get dehydrated.

AIBU to not allow her to go? (she has already been grounded for the past 2 days so it was touch and go as to whether she was allowed to go anyway)

The party includes getting ready at her friends house and staying over after btw.

ps I have pmt so I am aware I may be unreasonable, hence the question.

The clothese I would leave up to her tbh. I would never say my daughters look tarty. I think that's a horrible misogynistic phrase tbh.

The party - where is it, who will be there, how late does it go etc? I wouldn't be keen on my daughter going to parties yet. I have one who is 14 and one who is 12. Fortunately they don't want to go either. If she really wants to go and you think it's a safe location then I would let her go but I would NOT let her stay oer with a friend unless you trust friend's parents and they are picking the girls up. If that isn't the case then I would pick her up as late as you can bear. In my case 1am would be the deadline!

I would also have a talk with her about the pressures for sex and drinking that go on at teen parties. You might be able to phrase it that you know she is able to take care of herself and make good decisions but she needs to take care of her friends who could be vulnerable if there are older children there. I would also make it clear that getting drunk will lead to the wrath of the heavens descending upon her.

Coconutty Costa Rica Thu 21-Feb-13 08:52:17

I like the shoes! Very unlikely she'll get dehydrated, can't you give her a couple of quid for some water if you're worried about that? If you really don't approve of the outfit can't you find a compromise rather than just say she can't go?

Not sure about wet look leggings, sound very Olivia Newton John but better than a teeny Mini imo.

TaggieCampbellBlack Thu 21-Feb-13 08:53:30

She will look ludicrous but she's 13. Develop that long blink thing to block it out.
And check with other friends parents she is actually staying there and not somewhere else.

Coconutty Costa Rica Thu 21-Feb-13 08:53:30

11pm would be my limit for a 13yo

Bejeena Thu 21-Feb-13 08:53:47

If you stop her from going you need to be able to give her a god reason why you are not allowing her to go. I think her choice of outfit is not really a good reason

Dehydrated? I think you are clutching at straws here because I assume any drink she would get if she had the money would be coke or some sort of carbonated something or other which wouldn't hydrate her anyway. Or would she seriously buy water? They'd provide tap water free wouldn't they? How long is the party and how often does she normally drink.

As for looking tarty for her age, she is 13 and everyone can see that. Of course in 5 years time you'll both look back and laugh at her outfit.

Oh and going back to my own experience of being 13, I don't think I would allow her to stay over at anyones house after a party. To me that is a code for getting up to mischief (probably nothing really bad, but maybe other girls parents allow her to stay out later or something but still)

I personally would say she can go, let her wear what she likes (her feet will be killing her after an hour in those shoes - she'll learn) but tell her she can't stay over and you will collect her when party finishes.

YY to collecting her after the party.

I have a 14 year old dd. the "staying at a friends" isn't always totally accurate and truthful I have discovered.

As for the shoes/leggings combo-sometimes you have to pick your battles. At least it is clothing that is covering most of her body.

Xroads Thu 21-Feb-13 08:59:57

It's at a social club, the girls house she would be staying with I've met a few times and don't mind her staying there. The party goes on til 11pm, DH said he would pick her up if needed. It's not the party I mind, it's the getting dehydrated because she spent all her money on clothes to wear (and imo not even nice clothes, she'll probably fall over in the shoes and rip the leggings, she was wearing them round the house yesterday and balanced herself by leaning on me a few times)

Your daughters must have more sensible taste in clothes is all I can say on that because I do think high wedge shoes with leather/ wet look leggings on 13yr old look tarty and that is not to say I hate women, of course not, I love my daughter obviously which is why I want her to look respectable when she goes out.

Branleuse Thu 21-Feb-13 09:01:26

id want more information about the party and probably say no tbh

imnotmymum Thu 21-Feb-13 09:02:27

Look tarty? That is an awful thing to say and will do no good for her confidence! I have a 14 year old and a nearly 13 and regarding parties it has to be a proper invite (not a FB jobby) with a phone number of parent. Is it at a proper venue? Do you know parents she staying with? When does party finish and how getting home? No way in god's earth would my 14 year old let alone 13 year old stay out any later than 11 and a party should not go on after this. I have said no to dubious parties but the ones that are well organised they have had a great time. Agree about picking her up unless really trusted family.

OddBoots Thu 21-Feb-13 09:03:52

I think the length/style of the top is more important than the leggings and shoes, does the top come down to below bum length?

DSM Thu 21-Feb-13 09:05:26

It's not about taste in clothes - we all made bad outfit choices when we were younger and tbh I don't think what she wants to wear is that bad anyway?

But calling your 13yo daughter tarty is pretty off.

Xroads Thu 21-Feb-13 09:06:34

It's the principal of it I think that bothers me, we don't have much money and we are a hard working family, it irks me she thinks its ok to spend £35 on 2 items of ridiculous clothing and then not have enough left for the basics, she needs to learn to budget. I'm not giving her pocket money early, she needs to learn. At christmas she had lots of money given to her and spent it on an ipad mini - fair enough but now she has to learn when it's gone it's gone we are not an endless supply of money.

We've talked lots about drinking, smoking, sex etc she is very sensible and has high morals (so did I at 13, still got pregnant at 16 though so I'm very aware it can change at any time)

well DD wears wedges and platforms. And leggings but with a long top.

Its not my taste, but I dare say I looked pretty awful at 13.

Have you spoken to the parents where she is staying? are they being picked up?

Id be more concerned about the details tbh rather than the clothing.

Ok but is it her money?

Because if money is tight and you cant afford to pay for the clothes, fair enough.

If its her own money, what difference does it make?

Xroads Thu 21-Feb-13 09:09:38

I haven't called her tarty, I said the outfit is tarty. It really isn't that bad a word where I live hmm She's very confident and a lovely girl, I'm very proud of her. I am very blunt and up front when it comes to talking to her about things and sometimes don't phrase things that well but she knows me and knows I am not putting her down, she knows I worry and I love her that's all.

Maryz Cote D'Ivoire Thu 21-Feb-13 09:10:57

To take your objections in order:

Those shoes are at least wedges, so will be marginally safer than stiletoes

Her legs (and her bum) will be covered, which is always a good thing for young teenagers grin

It is her money

There will be water available (free) at the party.

She could do a lot worse.

DizzyHoneyBee Thu 21-Feb-13 09:11:06

I would never call my 13 year old tarty. As far as the clothes go then I would try to discourage the shoes as they are not great but at the end of the day you choose your battles and do those shoes really matter? If you really object then why not agree to the leggings and not the shoes?

TBH my DD will wear clothes that I don't approve of, they are not tarty or inappropriate but they are not to my taste but then there would be something wrong if a 13 year old likes the same clothes as her mother. I work on the theory that she has to find her own style (or lack of!!!) just like I did and I save the discussions for the stuff that really matters like her school work and general behaviour.

Like others, I would be more concerned with the arrangements for the party; like imnotmymum (great name for somebody on this thread!) I would want to know where the party was at, who was going to be there, whether they were supervised. My DD does not go to parties that end that late; she had one the other day that I expected to go on late, I was fine with it as it was at a friend's house and I knew the parents, I got a text at about 7pm to say it had finished, they'd had a 3 hour party, had a great time which was fine all round as the party girl had an early start the next morning.

Xroads Thu 21-Feb-13 09:12:08

I've suggested she take the shoes back and buys a cheaper pair and a cheaper pair of leggings so she has enough money for drinks. She said no, she wants me to give her an advance on her pocket money, I've said no because I can't afford it.

Maryz Cote D'Ivoire Thu 21-Feb-13 09:13:01

stiletoes confused, I meant stilettos, of course. These are what dd's friends wear, with very, very short skirts and invisible knickers hmm.

MrsMushroom Thu 21-Feb-13 09:13:12

It's nothing to do with where you live. Tarty is like a multitude of nasty words designed to keep women and girls down....slut, slag, whore, tart....all shouted at women and girls who wear what they want.

We should be able to wear what we like without being called tarty.

DazR Thu 21-Feb-13 09:13:20

who is organising the party? is it just for kids of your daughter's age? I have two daughters now 18 and 21. You have to pick your battles for a happy home! They do wear 'tarty' clothes and too much make-up. I was happy with this as long as they were in a private venue with their peers - would not be happy with them walking about in public dressed like that. Sleepover is really your personal judgement. Who else is sleeping over, is it all girls, will they be supervised - could you speak to supervising adults beforehand. hope it all works out ok for you

Maryz Cote D'Ivoire Thu 21-Feb-13 09:13:35

Oh, x-posted. Don't give her an advance.

She can spend her money how she likes but has to realise you won't replace it.

DSM Thu 21-Feb-13 09:14:04

Okay, so your daughter has had the word 'tarty' normalised in her life.. That is worrying and very sad.

The clothes aren't ridiculous. They are stylish and fashionable and she is 13. She is asking for new look shoes; I would argue that you have taught her to budget as she is looking for clothes in cheap shops.

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