To say dv is often carried out by people who are 'charm personified'

(165 Posts)
notnagging Thu 14-Feb-13 13:52:19

Just got me thinking. I know people who's partners seem lovely to the outside world but are monsters behind closed doors. That's the whole point. When something does happen people don't believe it.

Adversecamber Thu 14-Feb-13 18:58:20

I told no one I was being hit apart from my Mother , her reply was you must have annoyed him.

I know my siblings were shocked when I revealed it last year, considering I have been divorced for almost 18 years.

Merl0t Thu 14-Feb-13 19:00:01

Wow. I can't believe you kept it to yourself all that time. I've told everybody. I regret that sometimes. But, it stopped me from going mad. I think I was incapable of keeping it in.

Merl0t Thu 14-Feb-13 19:00:52

also, because my x acts like it never happened, his family act like i'm a fantasist, i feel like i have to acknowledge it because nobody else does.

everlong Thu 14-Feb-13 19:04:17

Agree. My first H looked like a very pleasant, charming, affable man to the outside world.

He was a jealous, violent, nasty piece of work in reality. It would drive me insane how people would bleat on how ' perfect ' he was.

Thankfully the marriage didn't last.

Merl0t Thu 14-Feb-13 19:07:33

My x's family still think that I must have been mentally ill to leave their son. They don't believe he was abusive, so to leave him? that proves I was mentally ill. Bizarre really because none of my other x's or their family ever deduced that I was mentally ill!

Adversecamber Thu 14-Feb-13 19:13:36

Merl0t I suffer with anxiety and when I broke down and told my lovely Doctor she said no wonder and she was lovely to me. I am having counselling now. One of the problems was I grew up in a very abusive household so kind of accepted being beaten as normal.

I cannot abide aggression, even a raised voice. I am now married to a gentle man who cried when I told him what happened.

Merl0t Thu 14-Feb-13 19:23:43

I would love to be married to a gentle man.... if I EVER end up in a relationship again it'll be with a gentle person. The legacy for me is that I get incredibly upset when people criticise me. It just takes me right back to being criticised endlessly for every little thing.

Dillie Thu 14-Feb-13 19:24:14

I have recently woken up to the fact my stbxh is an ea. He is charming and comes over as a generally nice chap.

Behind closed doors he is manipulative, vindictive ass.

Oddly when I told my boss what was happening he was not surprised as he clocked stbxh when he first saw him and took an instant dislike.

Wish I saw it though!!!!

Merl0t Thu 14-Feb-13 19:49:12

yeh, amazing how many people told me they didn't like my x when I'd left him. tbh, i wish people had said more to be begin with. I cared a lot about "what-people-think" so I would have listened. I might not have ended it immediately but it would have crystalised a few uncertainties I think..

LaQueen Thu 14-Feb-13 20:09:36

Years ago, DH was very good friends with the husband of one of his relatives. He was a really nice bloke, life and soul of the party, very affable. But, when we went out, he'd be charming as anything to the other girls in the group, but barely gave his poor wife the time of day. He openly mocked her, but because he was so jokey about it all, it was hard to put your finger on why it felt wrong.

We even holidayed with them several times, and DH even went into a business partnership with him.

One evening, this bloke engineered to come to our house, when he knew DH was away. I was just on my way out, to visit a friend, so offered to give this bloke a lift home.

In the car, he really came on to me, stroking my hair, and put his hand on my leg - all the while being very affable, and jokey. And, because he was being so jokey, I found it really hard to gauge how to react (and I'm really no wilting wallflower, I promise you).

When he got out of my car, he leaned over to kiss me, but tried to really kiss me, and I froze. He joked it away, but his eyes were absolutely flat and dead, and he slammed the car door so hard behind him, that the whole car shook [shudder]

Years later, I heard from another friend that he'd tried doing the exact same thing to her.

To this day, I am convinced that he was violent to his wife (they're no longer together, I hear, but he left her).

NeedlesCuties Thu 14-Feb-13 21:00:11

I'm a volunteer for a leading DV charity. It really is true that DV happens in all social classes, in all races, and by men who are unemployed right up to men who are at the top of their profession.

The mistaken assumption that it's just dodgy fella from rough parts of housing estates is very dangerous. Lots of our women are afraid to ask for help as they fear their doctor, lawyer, vicar partner will use their job as a 'cloak of respectability'

AnyFucker Thu 14-Feb-13 21:03:42

Beware the Charming Man.

Darkesteyes Thu 14-Feb-13 21:06:15

AdversecamberThu 14-Feb-13 18:58:20

I told no one I was being hit apart from my Mother , her reply was you must have annoyed him.

Adverse this is exactly what my mum would say if i was ever hit by a man.

Im sorry to hear what some of you have been and are still going through. angry sad

Darkesteyes Thu 14-Feb-13 21:07:13

AF i think Marian Keyes wrote a book with that title. Havent read it though.

AnyFucker Thu 14-Feb-13 21:10:21

She did, DE

And that particular Charming Man was an abuser

Wise woman, Marian Keyes

Darkesteyes Thu 14-Feb-13 21:15:27

I think i will be ordering that book very soon.

RedBushedT Thu 14-Feb-13 21:22:00

Not read all replies but Cogito, that link was brilliant (to the Psychology website) so many little things I could tick off there.
And BertieBotts, agreed. My ex was always saying 'it was just a joke! When did you lose your sense of humour' when his comments had me upset.
My ex never hit me, but I had years of emotional & verbal abuse. He is charming, outgoing, life & soul of the party. But when we were alone or with strangers, he could flip
In an instant.
I actually went back to him after managing to finally say enough because my own parents guilt tripped me about how lovely he was & what it would do to our kids if I left!
The veneer or respectability definitely helps this type to carry on abusing.

Ponderingonaquandry Thu 14-Feb-13 21:31:27

I despise charmers simply because I know there is another, nastier, layer to them.

My abusive ex was a charmer

Darkesteyes Thu 14-Feb-13 21:37:54

Red Bushed if something had happened to you it would have been your exes fault but yr parents would have been partly responsible too.

OP thank you for starting this thread, i am 5 months out of an abusive (in all ways) relationship, but i have still been meeting up with my ex, thinking he can change and still wondering if i did play a part in what happened.

When he is nice our relationship is idyllic and to good to be true.

I am "trained" in all aspects of DV, but he has played a clever game for 5 years and i now realise that every relationship of his has come to an end a few years in and i am now being "painted" as he painted his ex's.

He is Mr Popular and according to his mother, who he lives with, "i know what buttons to push, just like all of his ex's, so he won't change.

He is now flirting with a woman who has had DV in her past relationships, childhood included and he is just like he was when we started, charming, funny, considerate (and just needs to meet the right woman), which, if you have had any past issues, makes it think that it was you,that had the "faults".

As well as the pattern in him, i recognise the pattern in all of his ex's, myself included, that lasted more than a year, we all have a vulnerablities.

It took me to be sent on a refresher course in DA and i realised that we were talking about my relationship.

Because he has turned on the full charm for valintines day for the OW, i was feeling like i had lost out on something, until this thread reminded me that he has done me a favour by moving on.

notnagging Thu 14-Feb-13 21:53:27

Birdsgotafly I'm glad it's helped. It was on my mind today when everyone started talking about OP. People are always so shocked because they seem like nice guys. But when you look in their eyes they're always looking to see who's watching them & adjusting themselves accordingly. When you say there's something about them people don't want to know. But they always give little clues where you think something's just not right with them. Very measured very calculated very cold.my dh's sister has a husband like this. Very professional & well respected but we just found out he has been emotionally abusing her for years. He's started on his ds now but his dd wants for nothing.

RedBushedT Thu 14-Feb-13 22:02:46

Darkesteyes. I know what you mean. But I hadn't told them the facts about what had been happening as I was embarrassed, ashamed & scared no one would believe me. Thankfully he showed his true colours not too long after & my family have been amazing since. Took a while for me to feel able to talk about what went on. And to be honest, I'm still only just coming to terms with it all myself, let alone talking to others about it all.
That's probably part of why they get away with it, I know I struggle to describe the abuse.

chocolatesolveseverything Thu 14-Feb-13 22:03:56

'This Charming Man' by Marian Keyes is a very interesting eye-opener to the complexities of abuse I thought.

Very fortunately I've never personally experienced domestic violence, and my assumption has always been that I therefore wouldn't spot the telltale signs to start with. But I did have a work meeting with a 'gentleman' recently who absolutely gave me the shivers. No one else in the room felt the same (I asked them about it later) but his manner seemed scarily controlled, his ability to self-reflect was very poor, and I just got this awful sixth sense that I wouldn't want to be anywhere alone with him.

I couldn't say he's definitely an abuser but things I've learnt since about him, his mental health, and his family relationships (wouldn't be appropriate for me to be too specific as I know this stuff in a professional capacity) make me 80-90% sure that my initial insticts were correct.

AnyFucker Thu 14-Feb-13 22:07:01

choc...I would put a lot of money on your being absolutely right

notnagging Thu 14-Feb-13 22:09:39

Funny my sisters always going on about Marian Keyes. I'll get the book. Thanks

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