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to not know what unconditional parenting is?!

(853 Posts)
GirlOutNumbered Mon 11-Feb-13 20:54:19

Just read it on a thread. I have no idea what this is?

Domjolly Tue 12-Feb-13 19:03:08

Coconutty i agree my sisters boy is a nightmare she can never get any one to have him they usually give her any reason they can why they cant have him

And even my oh reached the end of his teather after a week of him in the summer but she thinks everyone adore him confused no one would dare tell her the truth instead using words like livey ,cheeky, inderpendant

I have agonised over telling her what people really think

No one really has any clue what peole think of there kids

goingupinfumes Tue 12-Feb-13 19:03:45

Arhhh a light bulb moment - that's what my old neighbours must of been doing with their children this UP stuff -I was left gobsmacked when her 5 year old picked up a large branch and lifted it above his head and swung it around, narrowing missing my DS and missing taking my DS's eyes out - her words were "Darling your so strong and clever living that heavy branch, but please swing it lower so you are safer"

I was stood there mouth open thinking WTF - she's just told him he's a good boy for swinging a spiky heavy branch in my DS's direction, no shouting, no lesson, just a fluffy load rubbish.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 12-Feb-13 19:05:29

Then Dom for his sake you must tell her, and explain that perhaps her approach needs tweaking.

If your not have enough then you all have to not be around him she should figure that out sharp ish.

GirlOutNumbered Tue 12-Feb-13 19:05:44

I work in a secondary school and I don't get told to F off! I'm fair, have clear boundaries and follow up sanctions and I am known to shout, it's rare, but it's fierce!

Domjolly Tue 12-Feb-13 19:07:45

GirlOutNumbered so you use sanctions, somtimes do shout so just like the rest of us then grin i dont think the up guy would like it though

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 12-Feb-13 19:08:17

Oh and my children get described as kind, respectful, considerate ,can always be relied on and polite.

GirlOutNumbered Tue 12-Feb-13 19:09:31

Yes, I can't help the occasional shout. I have a fierce temper! The school has sanctions so I follow their lead. I don't think I have sanctioned my boys yet,.. I tend to give them choices when misbehaving.

Schooldidi Tue 12-Feb-13 19:09:59

I don't consider that UP though, that's praising something dangerous and not giving rules and boundaries. She might think she's doing UP but she has got the wrong end of the stick if she does. Personally I would have told dd that it isn't safe to wave sticks like that and she needs to put it down. If she didn't then I would have removed it from her and explained that it was to keep people safe, then distracted her with something else.

That isn't the case with either of my dds though Dom, I never ever have a problem getting somebody to have them if I need them to, dd1 has loads of friends who invite her to their house regularly, so I don't think anybody thinks of her as a nightmare.

MiniTheMinx Tue 12-Feb-13 19:11:54

What exactly does shouting and threatening convey, genuinely puzzled. Would you shout and threaten sanctions against another adult? would it work or would they just become more entrenched in their position?

Domjolly Tue 12-Feb-13 19:14:19

Sockreturningpixie i have tried in leaving suttle hints but she insists they have to learn to self displine and in the end they will work out whats right and worng themslefs, to be fair on her her daughter is naturally leaning to being well behaved and dose not need being told off very often

But my nephew could really do with some boundries and i think her letting him watch 15 and 18 rated films is not helpful my oh feels he very over sexulised for his aged which he found very diffcult when he stayed in the summer
She says if hes scared he wont watch and he will self censor WTF

HumphreyCobbler Tue 12-Feb-13 19:15:45

just popped back in to say that I too do not always have the time or patience to give a reason for saying no grin

I was trying to convey a sense of what UP is, rather than what was being touted at UP earlier in the thread.

Domjolly Tue 12-Feb-13 19:16:14

MiniTheMinx if you ficked up at work i reckon you would be shouted at and or sanctioned

I once ididnt lock up propley when i worked in a shop the shop was open all night i got a right bollcking and got a warning

From that day always double checked the door

SJisontheway Tue 12-Feb-13 19:17:19

I think it probably works ok for some families. I think the method can break down when you have a spirited preschooler.
My cousin uses UP with her DD. Everytime her DD hits, pushes, bites they have a little chat about feelings. And then the behaviour is repeated. It seems all this little girl is learning is that every time she misbehaves, she has a nice little chatwith mummy. Then its buisness as usual. I feel that consequences might help this little girl to moderate her behaviour.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 12-Feb-13 19:18:08

Then she's not UP she's being a giant cock, children are perfectly capable to self regulate but only if you have taken the time involved teaching them how and making it clear why its required.

Stop being subtle with her actually say " this UP marlky you have missed out the education stage and fucked up,your younger child is a little shit and tats a shame because he can be so lovely when you give him decent foundations"

MiniTheMinx Tue 12-Feb-13 19:21:58

I have never been shouted at in any position of employment, neither have I shouted at those I supervised. Shouting at people is abusive. If DP started shouting at me, I wouldn't consider that any request he was making was reasonable. I suspect others would feel the same, no right to shout and no right to make demands upon other adults etc,..... but fine to shout at and terrify young children or make unnecessary and sometimes unsubstantiated demands upon other people as long as they are under 18yrs.

Domjolly Tue 12-Feb-13 19:22:42

If i did she wouldnt talk to me again then i wouldnt be able to keep any eye on him she also sees a herbalist and rearely takes them to the GP FFS

wreckedone Tue 12-Feb-13 19:24:05

I went to a group where someone who is a very proud AP'er was with her children. Her nearly 3 year old stamped on my 16 month old's hands to stop him playing on the climbing frame. When I said "that wasn't very kind" his 5 year old brother said "my mum says we can do whatever we want".

pigletmania Tue 12-Feb-13 19:24:39

Well it all sounds very wooly and wishy washy. Yes If a child is doing something wrong they ave to have a no. If a child up child is beating the crap out of another child they have to be punished like everybody else. In the real world they most certainly would, none of this reasoning rubbish

If I saw an adult about to harm someone else or put themselves in danger then I certainly would shout to warn them.

Just today we had a situation where I was very glad of my parenting style, regarding crossing a road when I could see a car coming but DS3 (Y4) didn't see it. I didn't shout, but I did say "Stop!" in an authoritative tone of voice. DS3 obeyed instantly, without question, and didn't step into the road.

MiniTheMinx Tue 12-Feb-13 19:42:20

As far as I can see, allowing children to run riot with no boundaries, no supervision is just lazy parenting. I freely admit I was lucky, I didn't have biting children or stick wielding menaces.

I see so many parents glued to their telephones pushing bored looking toddlers in forward facing buggies around shops. Mums talking to each other and ignoring their children until they have to shout to be heard, or run after the child. Parents who seem annoyed because their child is inconveniencing them when they would prefer to be talking to other adults. You only get out what you put in. If you want a child to take turns in conversation and listen, ditch the phone and buggy and interact with the child, put child on hip and talk to other people, let the child observe, join in and learn......talk to them.

Yes, when I had three under 2.5 and had a long walk to get DS1 to school, I didn't use a buggy. I had all three of them in a sling at the same time. smile

Mini: I do agree with your intentions and with the ideal (interacting with and communicating with your children), but in real life I had to adopt a different style from AP in order to get out of the house and keep them safe at the same time.

ditziness Tue 12-Feb-13 19:56:07

ooh was this all inspired by my mentioning Unconditional Parenting yesterday? crikey

Personally I can't do it as it's too natrual for me to say well done. I do try to be a bit more mindful though, and not just shout no, or well done and ignore the actual person I'm repeating myself at. But depends on how much sleep I've had. All these things are interesting though and can influence you. You don't need to follow things to the letter

LaQueen Tue 12-Feb-13 19:57:56

"What exactly does shouting and threatening convey, genuinely puzzled. Would you shout and threaten sanctions against another adult? would it work or would they just become more entrenched in their position?"

Mini mercifully, grown adults, have a totally different ability to apply reason/logic/understand consequences/perceive atmosphere/mood etc, etc...than your average 3 year old.

I can just by how you write your posts that you are much given to over-wordy, lengthy-lengthy explanations about everything, and anything...and I expect, you think this makes you a superior communicator, yes?

Actually, I strongly suspect that whilst you are in full, lengthy-lengthy explanation mode, all your child actually hears is Blah...blah...blah...blah - remember, how the kids in the Peanuts cartoon, used to hear adults speaking?

Young children have a very different perception of the world, and even though they hear words, it certainly doesn't mean they process them, or even apply them in any way similar to the way an adult would.

As for applying abstract concepts like feeling proud to a 2 year old...that's a pretty meaningless concept to them.

pigletmania Tue 12-Feb-13 19:58:52

I woud hate to carry ds 12 months on my hip whist doing shopping I would kill me he is very heavy. Ds is in a forward facing buggy I always talk to him and describe what we can see

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