to have thrown water over DS (10) as he would not get dressed this morning?

(362 Posts)
StuckForAUserName Fri 08-Feb-13 10:55:59

We are late almost every day due to DSs having no interest in getting ready for school and it is an ongoing problem where I am severely stressed out every morning.

It got to 8.25 this morning (we need to leave by 8.30) and DS1 was still in underpants jumping on his brother and fighting him. He had been repeatedly told to get dressed and I warned him I would do it.

I picked up a small jug of cold water I had been using for the iron and chucked it at him. He was soaked and had to change pants. He had some splashes of water on his clean and laid out ready school uniform but I told him to put it on.

I now feel very guilty and hate that I did it but the only other option was a hard slap on the arse IMO. So am I a child abuser?

KatyPeril Tue 12-Feb-13 19:26:14

YANBU. I had this done to me. I didn't muck about again!

Domjolly Tue 12-Feb-13 19:20:47

Ds did this when he was 7 so i took him to school in his jim jams put uniform in a bag and haned him in to the office he was so shocked he never refused again plus everyone was laughing at him

Domjolly Tue 12-Feb-13 19:19:18

May be you should of tried UP parenting and allowed to deciced when he was ready to get dressed grinHhaha

MrsKeithRichards Tue 12-Feb-13 18:45:33

In primary one my son went to school with a cracker of a black eye. steWed been for dinner at my in laws, when mil was serving up she was standing at my son's shoulder. He turned round and the corner of her stupid square plate caught his eye.

After a day at school his teacher asked if she could have a word. She asked ds what had happened, he just replied 'my Granny done it to me' grin

I explained what had happened, we had a bit of a laugh about black eye granny, and that was that.

I have no doubt that the whole thing is recorded somewhere, if it isn't it bloody well should be.

i have to say if i knew which school these teachers worked at i'd be on the phone reporting my concerns and asking that inspectors checked their safeguarding training was up to date and taken seriously.

my line manager is the safeguarding officer. i'm an ex teacher, counsellor and now work in a role that brings me into direct contact with 16+ students. therefore over the years i've had lots of safeguarding training and been familiar with the standards and procedures for it in educational institutions and medical settings.

as someone with a duty of care you have to report things like this that are told to you. whether they lead to action being taken or not is above your pay grade frankly but you have a duty to report - it's part of your job and contract as teacher. you tell the safeguarding officer - he/she will have access to more info such as whether other agencies are involved with the family, whether they have been previously, whether there are any known procedures in place etc. they will also have contacts with social services, local authorities, the police etc who advise them and who they share that information with. yes the social workers may well decide yep, nothing to see here it's all good but please let us know if anything else comes to your attention. or it may turn out there is cause for concern about another child in the family, or there has been a police call out for domestic disturbance at the property previously etc.

no one is saying 'take the kids away' they're saying take the incident seriously and share information with the nominated person who deals with this stuff.

there is no way anyone who works in education can be unaware of these procedures and the importance of them and how many lives they can potentially save unless they're institution is working at a level that should be failed at the next ofsted and have them in special measures or whatever the equivalent is these days.

my boss spent hours with the ofsted inspectors during the recent inspection showing evidence of safeguarding procedures, case samples, our training programme for staff etc etc.

Mintberry Tue 12-Feb-13 17:08:05

I remember my dad tipping a bowl of water on my head to get me out of bed when I was about that age! Now it's just a funny story I laugh about. It seemed more like a prank than a punishment, but it still corrected the behaviour (for a while, anyway wink).
I also remember getting smacked when I was young (under 6?), but I remember that with a scowl and wouldn't do it to my own kids.
So, in my experience at least, they're not the same, as some have been saying.

valiumredhead Tue 12-Feb-13 16:34:39

Kelly, Valium is positing two different ways of how the incident might have played out, she's not making things up to suit herself

Thank you - yes, quite.

Context is everything.

valiumredhead Tue 12-Feb-13 16:33:03

I am pointing out that context is everything and I did use 'probably'!

By the way i idolised my dad he was lovely

FutTheShuckUp Tue 12-Feb-13 16:30:14

Fairenuff- can you not see how utterly pointless it is comparing what a parent would do to discipline a child as to what a husband/wife would do to their spouse (presumably to chastise/teach them a lesson as discipline wouldn't be appropriate assuming the balance of power in a relationship is equal)???
As I stated earlier- if my husband confiscated my mobile phone because i'd annoyed him/not done as I was told- how do you think people on here/womens aid would react? Thats downright controlling and abusive for a spouse- but acceptable for a parent/child relationship. Also if I did something unacceptable to my husband he has the option of packing his bags and leaving.Would I be able to if my kids had defied me? No of course not. Its so obtuse to compare what is acceptable in an adult relationship/out on the street to strangers and what parents do it really gets my goat it is bought up every sodding time in this sort of discussion.

shockers Tue 12-Feb-13 16:26:33

Haven't read the whole thread, but my mum used to wring a wet flannel out over my face if I wouldn't get up. She wasn't a child abuser, just a frustrated mum with a lazy teenager.

I have grown up to be a reasonably well adjusted adult I think.

KellyElly Tue 12-Feb-13 16:22:36

OxfordBags sorry, got the wrong end of the stick blush, I though she was trying to say Allways was laughing and playing along with it.

OxfordBags Tue 12-Feb-13 16:19:45

Kelly, Valium is positing two different ways of how the incident might have played out, she's not making things up to suit herself.

KellyElly Tue 12-Feb-13 16:17:33

Valium - when Allways posted she described MY mum and 2 younger brothers watched in stunned silence and her dad was just sick and tired of me taking piss out of my mum.. Where do you get the her probably laughing and playing along by being deliberately floppy??? That's just making things up to suit your own argument!

* - time, not ti e.

Allways - procrastinating is delaying or deferring action, wasting ti e, rather than getting on with something. I was not procrastinating - I was asking you to look at the incident that happened to you from a different angle, because that might give you a different perspective on it.

You mentioned that the staff you work with were not at all concerned about what happened to you. What would their reaction be if a child reported that something similar had happened to them? Would they still laugh it off? If they would, that is a worry because, as others have said, a single incident of a parent losing their temper might not be abuse, but if it were part of a pattern, there could be a child in an abusive situation - and unless the, apparently minor, individual incidents are recorded and reported, no-one will be able to build up the pattern that would ring the alarm bells, until too late.

valiumredhead Tue 12-Feb-13 15:56:08

There's a massive difference between a loving father dragging his dd out of bed, her probably laughing and playing along by being deliberately floppy, happening to get a carpet burn in the process and soaking her in the shower, then laughing about it years later and an abusive man dragging his child out of bed, deliberately being rough so she gets a carpet burn, pushing her into the shower all the while hurling verbal abuse at her. Child feels unsafe and terrified and unloved as this is not normal rough and tumble behaviour in a secure loving family and is part of a much bigger picture of abuse.

The two are very very different.

crashdoll Tue 12-Feb-13 15:47:05

Sorry but there were some posts on here calling it abuse.

NTitled Tue 12-Feb-13 14:19:05

Again, OxfordBags speaks a lot of sense.

Parenting options for difficult, annoying, recalcitrant children:

Tip water on them

Smack them

Think of something better.

I am tested by one of my children every minute of the day when he's at home. But I have never resorted to either of the first two "options". Is it really so weird to think it's unreasonable to tip water over a child?

OxfordBags Tue 12-Feb-13 13:33:06

I'd also like to point out that if allwaysthebaddie tried to report someone to SS for BFing, which she declared was abuse, it'd be far more ridiculous.

OxfordBags Tue 12-Feb-13 13:31:06

crashdoll, no-one actually said that the water throwing was abuse, they just questioned it being an acceptable choice. Again, different things. The OP asked on AIBU if she WBU. Some people said they believed she was. It's a non-outrage: MNetter asks on AIBU if AIBU, some say no, some say yes! It's not like people are crashing a thread in Parenting to decry the poster as a child abuser, FFS.

Also, labelling someone's father an abuser indicates a belief that he was routinely bad, which no-one thinks.

MrsKeithRichards Tue 12-Feb-13 13:16:29

However, considering the OP's other option was hard slap on the arse then I'd suggest she needs some help with positive techniques or she is in danger of creating an atmoshpere of abusive behaviour.

MrsKeithRichards Tue 12-Feb-13 13:14:50

My other point I came on here to make that was those of you labelling throwing water as abusive are clearly not social workers. You'd get laughed out of court with that evidence alone, that is if you even got that far, which I doubt.

On that single incident, you're right. No one has said otherwise. Not all abuse is court worthy though is it? Not all abusive acts form part of a wider picture. I'm sure it's been said before, but I'll say it again, abuse isn't defined in isoation. A single act can be abusive, the extent of that lies in what happens at other times.

As part of a wider range of issues?

And exactly what is it teaching a child? Stamp, shout and throw things when you need someone to do something for you?

crashdoll Tue 12-Feb-13 13:10:45

"Saying that a single incident from Allways' childhood sounds abusive simply is NOT the same as calling her father an abuser. If people cannot understand the difference, then that's their problem."

If you experience abuse, then there must be a perpertrator. Otherwise, there is no abuse.

My other point I came on here to make that was those of you labelling throwing water as abusive are clearly not social workers. You'd get laughed out of court with that evidence alone, that is if you even got that far, which I doubt.

NotMostPeople Tue 12-Feb-13 13:00:56

I think that the OP herself didn't think that her reaction was right, but she lost her temper. Most parents have lost their temper with their dc's at some point, so I don't think she should beat herself up.

However I really don't understand how a parent can get to a point were their children won't listen to them to the extent that they just ignor them and do their own thing. What this thread is about is a lack of control, control of the op's children and control of temper.

I am not talking about being controlling in the negative way but in the way that a caring nurturing parent should be. The kind of control that ensures you leave the hous on time, clean, full, dressed and with all you need.

My DC's may not do everything I ask them, the pile of stuff at the bottom of the stairs is walked over many times a day. However when I give them the look or change the tone of my voice they know I mean business and what I say goes. How do you get to the point were this doesn't happen? I have a 10 year old DS and an 11 year dd and a teen.

The OP needs to take control.

OxfordBags Tue 12-Feb-13 12:38:33

The biggest irony on here is that the 'Never did me any harm' brigade who sneer at concepts like modelling good behaviour and so on are totally proving the posters who disagree with them RIGHT by showing how having bad behaviour and poor/chaotic discipline choices modelled for them has led them to be adults who cannot control their temper, or think that the slightest provocation gives them permission to lose it, who will react with excessive nastiness and OTT vitriol to the slightest thing that irks them, who give themselves permission to be vindictive and hysterical and who justify all this to themselves by saying the other party or parties made them behave that way!

Saying that a single incident from Allways' childhood sounds abusive simply is NOT the same as calling her father an abuser. If people cannot understand the difference, then that's their problem. The only person who has actually been called an abuser on here is me! In her post which was deleted for being so vile to me, she stated. That me BFing my toddler was "abuse and creepy". Information she has from another thread that is wholly irrelevant here (she also pestered me on the other, unconnected thread about things I have said here and declared on there that I called her father an abuser, again slandering me).

MrsKeithRichards, you always speak sense with a cool head and are very open and honest about your own experiences. It makes me glad someone like you is looking out for the welfare of children smile

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