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to return this letter to sender unread?

(301 Posts)
cheddarcheeselover Tue 08-Jan-13 12:16:00

My mother rang yesterday to say she'd sent me a letter, I wouldn't like what was in it, but she didn't want to have an argument and she didn't want to discuss it.
the letter just arrived.
aibu to send it straight back, and when she rings to tell me I'm being childish to tell her she's welcome to talk to me about any problems but I won't be reading her letters?
I predict it's either a criticism of my parenting, weight or housekeeping.
I love my children and treat them very well (too well in her eyes), our house is messy but clean (her's is totally spotless and always has been - we were ignored in order that the house was immaculate) and I am overweight, always have been, but am trying to change that.

manicbmc Tue 08-Jan-13 12:17:12

Read it. Then tell us lot and we'll formulate a suitable reply for you.

Songbird Tue 08-Jan-13 12:17:50

I would open it, cheer yourself up over how pathetic she is, and ring her up saying thanks, you needed a good laugh!

What manicbmc said...

LifeofPo Tue 08-Jan-13 12:19:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LifeofPo Tue 08-Jan-13 12:20:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TroublesomeEx Tue 08-Jan-13 12:20:44

I'd open it and read it, tbh.

Then you can bitch on here with us about it.

I don't think you get to send someone a letter criticising them (if that's what it is), telling them they won't like what it says and also saying you won't discuss it.

That's pathetic!

I'd put it in the bin rather than sending it back. If she decides to write a hurtful letter makes up her mind that she won't be allowing any comeback, then you can make up your mind not to read it.

KenLeeeeeee Tue 08-Jan-13 12:21:48

Read it and then tell us what it says... for no other reason than I'm dying to know what's in it. blush

Yakshemash Tue 08-Jan-13 12:21:58

Another vote for binning it. My mother pulled this stunt once. I'm sure writing eight pages of Basildon Bond was very therapeutic for her, but I couldn't give a shit what she thinks.

scrumpkin Tue 08-Jan-13 12:22:06

I was estranged from my (abusive alcoholic) dad for about 15 years until I agreed to have him stay and meet the kids and just see how things went.

When he left he sent me a letter to tell my how awful a mother I was because I had a dog and a cat and that they take valuble space in the house away from the children etc etc.. totally nuts, seriously.

If I was in the situation again I would send it back unread as it hurt me greatly and the fallout was massive.

However, had I known of mumsnet back then, maybe I would have read it and let the other lovely members think of a good reply!

StuntGirl Tue 08-Jan-13 12:22:59

I would chuck it in the bin. She doesn't want to discuss it? Then she doesn't get to passively agressively get her point across by letter either.

Plus, think how much it would rile her to know that you received it and were so ambivalent to her opinion that you just binned it grin

kiwigirl42 Tue 08-Jan-13 12:24:34

I wouldn't read it if I were you. Will just prey on your mind. I'd send it back unread so she gets the point.

LovesBeingAtHomeForChristmas Tue 08-Jan-13 12:24:59

Then send it back - check mate wink

cheddarcheeselover Tue 08-Jan-13 12:25:21

I'm holding everything together, just, we've just moved to a nice house from a relly horrible mouldy one and I'm trying really hard to keep everything lovely, I'm working alot as is DH, but we can't afford childcare so work opposite shifts and rarely see each other, I feel like everything is fine, but on a knife edge and it could so easily all fall apart and I'm just not strong enough right now to be taking petty criticisms from my mother.
I wish I had a different mother who would come and help and hug me and make everything better sad

FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra Tue 08-Jan-13 12:25:56

Send it back.

If you chuck it in the bin she'll assume you've read, and agreed with, all the comments therein. If you send it back unopened she will know that you won't put up with her criticising you in a way you're not allowed to defend.

I sent the one my mother sent to me straight back. Best thing I ever did. She no longer attempts to walk all over me and no longer treats me like shit. She treats me badly still, but she knows I have limits now.

SarahStratton Tue 08-Jan-13 12:27:33

Speaking from bitter experience of nasty letters from both my parents, and my sister, I recommend sending it back without opening it.

Don't give her the satisfaction.

Dahlen Tue 08-Jan-13 12:28:41

Yes, return it unopened. The only way to deal with someone like your mother is complete and absolute refusal to engage. Formulating a reply, however well crafted, will simply encourage her more. Putting it in the bin suggests acquiescence - she will choose to believe that you have read it and that you are obeying her instructions not to discuss it. Sending it back makes it clear you will not play any part in her games.

TBH if she's that much of a PITA, I'd consider cutting her out completely.

EldritchCleavage Tue 08-Jan-13 12:29:11

In that case, cheddar, don't read it, throw it away. Think about why she sent it-surely not because she thinks you will suddenly see the light and change? More likely, she sent it because she is in the habit of putting you down and being unkind to you. If you read the letter you are just helping her to do that.

Don't collude in your own oppression. And imagine her annoyance when she brings it up later and you confess you didn't read it! (Actually, if she does ring you, I wouldn't tell her you haven't read it, just be non-committal).

"My mother rang yesterday to say she'd sent me a letter, I wouldn't like what was in it, but she didn't want to have an argument and she didn't want to discuss it."
When she says she doesn't want to have an argument/discuss it - is she talking about on the phone at that moment, or is she talking about after you've received and read the letter?

EldritchCleavage Tue 08-Jan-13 12:30:28

Actually, having seen the posts above mine, I think you should send it back unopened.

InNeatCognac Tue 08-Jan-13 12:30:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cheddarcheeselover Tue 08-Jan-13 12:31:18

after the letter.

ResolutelyCheeky Tue 08-Jan-13 12:31:36

Oh, but what if its about something completely different? I you really need to know. Could be something really juicy!

Return it attached to an old Argos catalogue and forget to put stamps on it grin.

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