To think there are reasons for favouring mothers?

(181 Posts)
AnneNonimous Fri 04-Jan-13 23:28:30

I am well prepared to be completely flamed for this but here goes.

I see a lot of stuff on here about equal rights for parents - that there is no reason why a mother should be favoured over a father when it comes to caring for their children etc. I'm not 100% sure what the current situation is now when people go to court, I know mothers generally were favoured over fathers unless there was a very good reason for them not to be. If someone could update me I'd be grateful!

Now I would like to say that I do think fathers should have equal responsibilities to their children. That fathers should always have access rights unless there is a child protection issue.

But AIBU in thinking that there is good reason for favouring mothers when it comes to divorces and residency?

As a mother I know it would just kill me to have my son not live with me. His dad doesn't and has never felt that way. He might think it would be better if he did but he doesn't feel what I would feel. And to me this seems to be the general case. It just isn't the same. My dad was and is a great dad, I know he loved me as much as my mum did. But there was still something very different. She still misses me terribly if we are away from eachother for a long period of time. And he never seemed to feel that.

I know there are exceptions, but there must be a reason why so many men walk away from their children so easily when so few women can do that? I know of countless men that have walked out on their kids very easily. I know of one woman - who was a drug addict all the time.

I'm not sexist I don't think. There is just an obvious difference in being a mum and being a father and I'm sure I can't be the only one to see that?

ILoveTIFFANY Fri 04-Jan-13 23:30:40

Yabu!

It's not the 50's anymore

threesocksmorgan Fri 04-Jan-13 23:31:25

yabu

DamnBamboo Fri 04-Jan-13 23:31:43

Oh dear...

HollyBerryBush Fri 04-Jan-13 23:32:50

AIBU in thinking that there is good reason for favouring mothers when it comes to divorces and residency?

YABU because every ones circumstances are different.

You're generalising too much and you're about to get plenty of respondents saying their dh's love their children just as much as they do.

Yes, women used to be the primary carer almost exclusively, that is now changing as society changes.

No sex has the monopoly on empathy or love for their children.

AnneNonimous Fri 04-Jan-13 23:35:21

I do know there are cases when it's not always what's best for the child and I'm not at all saying every child is best off with its mum.

Does everyone feel that their exes/DPs/DHs have the same instincts as they do as mothers?

namechangerforaday Fri 04-Jan-13 23:36:21

My husband loves our dcs just as much as me - if (god forbid) we spilt I'd go 50/50 and I say that as an attachment parents who goes for extended/natural term breastfeeding.

At the moment society is set up so mums become main carer by default - now mat/pat leave can be shared - that will slowly change.

DamnBamboo Fri 04-Jan-13 23:36:37

My husband's heart still breaks to this day when he takes his DD back to her mothers. She is now 15 and they have been separated since she just turned 3.

ILoveTIFFANY Fri 04-Jan-13 23:37:01

Instincts?

AnneNonimous Fri 04-Jan-13 23:37:01

It's not about love really, I do know ExP loves DS and I know there are fathers that take on both roles themselves I'm not trying to put down all men.

I am talking generally I know and worried I'm wording it wrong.

AnyFucker Fri 04-Jan-13 23:37:16

It depends on the circumstances and the personalities involved.

Very young children, still breastfed and where the bloke has never demonstrated an interest before a split in shared parenting (for whatever reason) are exceptions however, IMO.

namechangerforaday Fri 04-Jan-13 23:37:54

Anne no DH probably doesnt but I have been home with them most of their lives.

I wouldn't penalise him for working.

HollyBerryBush Fri 04-Jan-13 23:38:09

Does everyone feel that their exes/DPs/DHs have the same instincts as they do as mothers?

I always feel these threads are designed fora bun fight/set up by J$F

Some mothers are good/bad parents, some fathersa re good/bad parents, what is your question again? How about addressing the issur#e of children being with the best parent rather than addressing gender

cantthinkofadadsname Fri 04-Jan-13 23:39:14

I miss my son terribly. I did not leave him but I left my ex. So who should look after my son? I have him twice a week and am involved in his care but it's not the same. She seems him so much more and more of his day to day life is with her.

I would love to have more shared care but I'll be honest and think too much movng between homes is unstable for my son and his stability comes first. It is very hard not waking up with my son everyday but that's the price someone has to make in a break up.

Goldchilled7up Fri 04-Jan-13 23:39:50

I agree, in most circumstances children are better with their mothers, specially when young

Damash12 Fri 04-Jan-13 23:41:03

Well I have to agree with you... Eek but I'm the mum so I'm biased and admit it but I would certainly be devastated if Dh got to have son over me in the event of a breakup. I'm his mum and that's it, I should be the favourite choice in the event of residency. And yes every situation is different of course and should be treated as such but I do know what you mean.

AgentZigzag Fri 04-Jan-13 23:41:09

Everything after the woman gives birth to the child is socially constructed.

That doesn't mean there aren't 'good' reasons for why a lot of children have a closer relationship with their mum than they do with their dad, you've got to have some sort of structure to peoples relationships or it'd be a free for all and meaningless.

But that also doesn't mean it has to be as it's always been, or as you say, it goes for all mums/dads/children, but it's usual in our society at this time (I'm really trying to pick my words carefully grin).

I agree in essence with what you say, but it has to be worded that there are good reasons for favouring some mothers some of the time, and by that standard it also has to favour some fathers some of the time too.

DamnBamboo Fri 04-Jan-13 23:41:42

OP, you can't talk generally about something like this in my view. And if you could, in my experience (which I appreciate is quite limited and not a good cross section of society) the fathers I know have the same instincts as the mothers.

Cathycomehome Fri 04-Jan-13 23:42:37

My partner loves our children as much as I do. If we were to split, I know he would want fifty percent care. That is what we do now, whilst together, and what we would organise if it became necessary. YABU.

AnyFucker Fri 04-Jan-13 23:42:57

It's not about "penalising" someone for working though.

The child's needs are paramount here. Not the wishes and longings of a parent that does not (for whatever reason) feature as prominently in the care-giving to an especially younger child. As described beautifully by dadsname

AnneNonimous Fri 04-Jan-13 23:43:56

I'm concerned I've worded stuff wrong and I hope I haven't offended anyone too much.

Here is an example of what I mean: In the early days I couldn't bare to leave DS with anyone. He didn't have an hour away from me til he was 3 months. He wasn't breastfed, I just couldn't bare to be parted from him. ExP went off the night he was born and was fine. I know that is one example of one man but I know it's not unusual. I know he loves DS very very much but clearly it's different to what I feel?

ILoveSaladReallyIDo Fri 04-Jan-13 23:44:39

YABU, DH is probably a better parent than me, I would probably be favoured because I work PT and he works FT so I've done more care hours.. but that was socially inflicted because of maternity leave Vs paternity leave etc

Cathycomehome Fri 04-Jan-13 23:44:41

My dad looked after my brothers and me when children when my mum was unwell, for example, and vice versa.

I think there are aspects of our society that are unfortunately set up to encourage woman to bond more quickly and deeply with their children (for instance, men not being able to stay with newborns in hospital and not getting equivalent parental leave to mothers, also the cultural expectation that women will be the main caregivers). I don't think men are less able to love their children than women. I think we should be aiming to change society so more men are as attached to their children and are less likely to walk away from them, not accepting how things are.

I believe at present courts will aim to award 50:50 residency unless there is a reason not to, so I don't think mothers are favoured.

Me and dp split our childcare 50:50 and I have no doubt he is every bit as nurturing of dd as I am. It would kill him to be seperated from her every bit as much as it would kill me.

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