DP given £1000 for Xmas but he hasn't told me

(239 Posts)
BetteDavis01 Fri 28-Dec-12 21:22:12

DP's DF came over Christmas Day and we all exchanged gifts. He gave me and DC's £100 in cash. I noticed that DP was given a cheque. He quickly glanced at it and put it in his pocket.

Later on, he took all his gifts upstairs, so I went up there and started have a nosey. The cheque was for £1000. DP hasn't said a word. I feel really pissed off. Not because I 'only' got £100 but because he hasn't told me. I hate that he is withholding something from me.

AIBU?

StuntGirl Thu 10-Jan-13 20:30:07

Did you ask him then OP?

LettyAshton Mon 31-Dec-12 10:49:58

hmmm.

I think the dp should have told the OP about the cheque. BUT probably the dad wanted his son to have a bit of "mad" money rather than see it eaten up by the electricity bill or whatever. It would be really depressing to think that if you gave your dc some money (with the caveat that the family wasn't in dire difficulties) the spouse grabbed it and insisted it was spent on the council tax.

And the OP was given £100. As a dil who always received a box of Ferrero Rocher with one week left to the sell-by-date I would have been delirious with happiness with £10.

squeakytoy Mon 31-Dec-12 10:23:15

I would just be upfront and say "so what are you planning on spending your xmas present from your parents on?"

Pantomimedam Mon 31-Dec-12 10:20:25

Ask your dp. Say something like 'It was really generous of your father to give me £100 at Christmas, how much was your cheque?'

Damash12 Mon 31-Dec-12 06:14:50

Any news yet in A) him telling you about or b) you asking? This is where the real debate will begin!

ebersneezer Mon 31-Dec-12 02:28:19

If the person opened the gift in public and didnt say anything, that's fine, it is a very large sum! I would think that they were being polite and discrete. I would expect my husband to mention something in private, the only nice reason not to say anything would be for a surprise.

If someone gave me £1000 I would find it hard to spend on myself. Ok I could;) but I wouldnt. At my meaness I would get myself some shoes and put the rest in savings under my name, for a rainy day. Other ideas would be an emergency family fund, holiday fund, TV fund, the list goes on.

I was given a £1500 2 years ago and I got a solid wood dining table and chairs for the family. I didn't keep it secret. If my husband had said that his parents had given him a gift of £10000 and he wanted to spend it on that bike or that laptop, then that would be fine. If we were not starving, of course ;)

However family expenses are organised it is a lot of money to go unmentioned.

cantspel Mon 31-Dec-12 02:02:26

Tuppence but the op has not said they are struggling to pay bills as we know nothing of their financial situation as it has not been given.

The simple fact is she snooped so loses any right to question him about the cheque. This place is full of double standards as no one would make any excuse for a man who snooped on his wife. If she wanted to know then she should have asked not snoop.

A personal gift is just that and is not for sharing unless the recipient wishes to. The giver clearly wanted to give separate gifts as he gave the op and dc,s their own present so why should they now think they have a share of his?

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 31-Dec-12 01:43:34

Do those of you who expect a personal cash gift to be shared (even if you have been given your own cash gift by the same person) actually tell the person giving the gift?

Im not quite sure how I would react if my child's partner after receiving his/ her own personal gift from me also wanted my child's gift.

If my child decided without pressure to buy a family thing fair enough but to feel obliged to have to by there partner, I'm pretty sure I would consider that to possibly be financially abusive but grasping at the very least.

I may be coming from a different perspective as if any of my kids had financial difficulties I'm in a position to sort it out for them and any birthday/ Christmas gifts would be on top of any bailing out. I also would be highly unlikely to give such significantly different value gifts. But then again I do make it perfectly clear if a gift s a joint gift or a individuals gift.

TuppenceBeresford Sun 30-Dec-12 23:56:41

Wow, can I just remind people that the cheque is for, uh, £1000?! If the OP and her husbands are millionaires then sure, it's no big deal. But for most regular people surely that's a lot of money?? If I received a sudden windfall of a grand how on earth could I justify spending it on clothes and treats for myself while we are struggling to pay bills? That's not why we got married.

cricketballs Sun 30-Dec-12 21:33:48

But panto if the op expects gifts to go in the 'family pot' then no wonder he doesn't say anything!

He could though be planning a suprise...

Pantomimedam Sun 30-Dec-12 19:53:38

cricket - fair enough but presumably you tell dh about any money you are given and vice versa. Which is not how it worked for the OP.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Sun 30-Dec-12 17:41:01

Yanbu to be upset that he did not tell you about the money.

Darkesteyes Sun 30-Dec-12 16:41:27

ChristmasJubileeSat 29-Dec-12 14:35:46

I gave my dsd £1000 for Christmas. She has recently had a baby and is not going back to work. Childcare would be far more than she earns. The only money she has is her child benefit and a small amount of tax credits. Her dh gives her money if she asks

Wow Surely you mean childcare would cost far more than THEY earn.
And he gives her money if she asks?
Couple of red flags waving here.

Bogeyface Sun 30-Dec-12 16:25:37

I wouldnt assume it was family money either if DH was given some (as he was recently, I mentioned it in a pp), it would be the fact that he didnt mention it and wouldnt talk about it that would bother me.

I would tell him if I had some money given to me and he has told me about the gift he recently got. It was spent on a new computer for the family, he bought himself a new phone and the rest went on paying the bills as a couple of weeks later he lost his job!

cricketballs Sun 30-Dec-12 16:18:15

I was gifted £1000 by my patents last year for no reason other than they felt guilty that they had been helping out my ds and I hadn't received anything no matter my objections they would not return it and insisted I was given it my dh never even considered that I used it for the 'family pot' even though we share all monies, I.e. both wages get paid into the same account and we don't have seperate accounts so all spending is from this one joint account.

I treated myself to little things that I couldn't normally afford and neither dh or I thought nothing of it. Similarly, dh has just received a small inheritance and at no point do I expect this to be added to family money, it was left to him, not us.

I agree with the many posters that have said it was a personal gift from a parent to their child and so not up for automatic family money

AuntieMaggie Sun 30-Dec-12 16:05:07

What I think is more weird is that the OP has known about it since Christmas Day and posted here about two days ago but still hasn't spoken to her DH about it... I think that says more about their relationship than anything!

skullcandy Sun 30-Dec-12 15:55:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Binkybix Sun 30-Dec-12 15:53:08

Sleigh. You seem so judgemental about how other people arrange their money and what it says about their relationship.

Of course I wouldn't care if he used my bowl, whether it was given as a gift or I brought it with gift money. What I would care about (and he would too) is if I was obliged to buy something that we both wanted, or to request a gift that we both wanted rather than something I myself wanted.

If every occasion where money is spent needs to be a joint decision, then I would feel stifled. I'm not saying you have to feel that way, but you seem very angry about people who look at things in a different way.

XiCi Sun 30-Dec-12 15:44:46

in relationships

XiCi Sun 30-Dec-12 15:43:05

I havent trawled through all 9 pages but my initial thought is that I cant believe people are on relationships, live together, have kids etc yet arent comfortable enough to ask a really basic question like 'what did your dad give you for Xmas'. Thats a bit sad!

happyinherts Sun 30-Dec-12 15:42:48

There wouldnt be any friction or ill feeling if everyone could accept the fact that it isnt anyone else's business who gives what to whom

Horsemad Sun 30-Dec-12 15:41:20

It would be their money to do with as they please happyinherts.

BUT, my point is that if everyone receives the same amount there is no huge disparity to cause friction or ill feeling.

happyinherts Sun 30-Dec-12 15:37:26

My husband wouldnt dream of touching kitchen utensils - he hasn't learnt where they are yet but that's a totally different matter !

Fact is we decide what we do with gifts, share, keep to oneself, discuss. Nothing should be expected. You should never be expected to share one's personal Christmas present. If you do, fair enough, but a Christmas gift is personal.

And Horse okay so everyone gets the same amount but would you want your grandchildren's money to be used communally for the benefit of all the family or just for them personally to choose what to do with. There is a difference there.

SaraBellumHertz Sun 30-Dec-12 15:36:35

Really surprised at the comments on this thread shock

I received a large sum of money recently and it wouldn't have occurred to me not to tell DH. As far as I was concerned it was family money and that's how it was spent, on the family.

If DH in a similar position hid a sum of money from me I'd be appalled, but fortunately I'm married to a generous, livy man who would put the needs of our DC and me before himself without hesitation

Horsemad Sun 30-Dec-12 15:33:40

happyinherts we ALL get the same amount so no sharing is needed smile.

It is totally alien to me that my parents & inlaws would treat any of us differently.

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