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To feel upset and tearful about staying with SIL

(211 Posts)
Ghanagirl Thu 13-Dec-12 21:04:24

i'll try and keep this brief, we are having our house extended it was supposed to be finished mid November, but has overran despite builders saying if we moved out it would be completed in 4 months!
We initially rented a small flat (me DH plus 2 kids) but lease ran out last week and due to tight finances we moved in with DH's sister her husband plus their two kids who are older but attend same primary school. I really didn't want to move in with them but as I'm not working and finances tight plus DH putting me under pressure felt like no other choice, (my mum made it clear her house too small)
Anyway since we've been here I've done all school runs which is quite stressful as the older two (DH's nieces) are used to getting up late and generally being late for school I pick all kids up and even drop older twonto activities, but I'm getting really stressed and tired as when SIL gets home from work she has taken to going to rest while I try and manage all kids homework dinner etc, my two are now starting to play up and I'm on the edge of tears most days. Advice please I'm dreading Christmas we are supposed to be back in our house next week but can't see it happeningsad

AgentZigzagHasABigYuleLog Mon 24-Dec-12 16:01:40

Nice one smile

Have a fantastic, and relaxing, Christmas x

SantasComingEarlyHisSackIsFull Mon 24-Dec-12 15:55:47

Phew! Laqitar, the thread has moved on. Thank goodness you are not having to slave away in someone else's house over Christmas. Your were doing far too much there. Take it easy now OP. Happy Christmas.

Laquitar Mon 24-Dec-12 13:41:48

4 extra people in the house cost a lot even if you buy your food. Extra baths, w/m, dryer, oven, kettle etc. Electricity is not free.
Let alone the noise and luck of privacy.

Imo its fair to help and this has nothing to do with being SAHM.

Greensleeves Mon 24-Dec-12 13:27:25

Great news Ghanagirl, now put your feet up, give your arse a chance and have a lovely, unfraught, unstressful Christmas! grin

wine flowers

Ghanagirl Mon 24-Dec-12 13:24:06

Thanks all those who posted positive comments, we moved back to our house, still needs work but much preferable to living with SIL merry Christmas!

Ghanagirl Sun 16-Dec-12 20:09:07

Northernlurker, have you read my posts SIL actually wants us to stay longer as she said it makes her life easier!
Her kids are a handful because both parents mum especially finds it easier to not be around them, apparently prior to us moving in she ropes in other mums at school to pick them up and drop them at activities (I usually do one day) and she works 9-3 3 days a week.

Tanith Sun 16-Dec-12 10:44:50

I agree with MadBanners.
I can't help comparing this situation with the "leave the bastard!" threads that crop up from time to time about DHs that expect their wives to do everything and don't lift a finger just because the wife is a SAHM.

The OP is not a slave and shouldn't be treated as one. Do you know, if she were an employee, expected to do all cooking, all cleaning, all childcare while her employers wouldn't even allow her heating, there'd be none of this "you're living rent free" or "the housework will keep you warm": there'd be outrage!
The OP isn't an employee; she's family. I'd be ashamed to treat my SIL the way the OP is being treated.

BsshBossh Sun 16-Dec-12 10:38:58

SIL's children sound a bit of a handful (perhaps due to their own parents' lack of involvement or interest in their lives?) so I can see how stressful this is for you OP.

MadBanners Sun 16-Dec-12 10:04:31

True enough, I think I am feeling a bit snappy though, as since I became a SAHM (because we moved country and I want my fecking old life back thank you very much) Dh does nadda, he will eat at his laptop, and it seems to me that even taking his own fecking plate to the kitchen is beyond him!

However, OP is paying for all food, so not completely free, and I still think the other 3 adults are taking the piss somewhat! Not just SIL, but there are 4 adults in that house!

People who work part time may still work every day.

Judging by the OP's snappiness on this thread I think a large part of the trouble is that the sil is trying to keep away from her not the kids. I think for a sahm staying there for free, a bit of childcare and cooking is fair enough.

MadBanners Sun 16-Dec-12 09:43:42

No one would put up with their DH coming home from work and then doing pot all around the house, or at least not without feeling resentful. They are not staying there rent free, they are contributing, if they are paying for all food, which for 4 adults and 4 children wont be a small amount tbh!

There are 3 adults taking the piss here, and the SIL works part time, so what is she doing on her days off?

Sil and BIL may be doing a favour, but does not mean OP is to feel so grateful they can walk all over her.

She should not be having to deal with getting all the children to do homework, that is their parents job.

Just because you have family to stay does not mean you get to stop all parenting and household jobs and responsibilities yourself, which is what seems to have happened.

The SIL get home from work, and pops off to have a rest, leaving OP to deal with 4 kids having to do homework, and if she is doing all the cooking, presumably starting dinner for everyone. How anyone can be accusing the OP of wanting to be lazy here is beyond me.

Ghanagirl Sun 16-Dec-12 09:41:53

Thanks cheeseandpineapple

Ghanagirl Sun 16-Dec-12 09:40:21

Thanks SpecialAgentKat, the only thing I can say in DH is defence is that he has been going straight to our house to try and chivvy along builders placate our next door neighbours and he is currently doing homework with twins! And as for everyone who thinks I'm being lazy I'm not I'm stick thin not from dieting but because I'm always on the go I've made breakfast for all kids plus me and DH so SIL and BIL are having a lie in

SpecialAgentKat Sat 15-Dec-12 23:20:34

Ghanagirl, I just wanted to give you a big hug. I think your family is massively taking the piss and you're getting a hard time on here.

On the home stretch now but! Then you can collapse and DH can do his bloody share in your new home! grin

GreatCongas Sat 15-Dec-12 22:39:59

The phrase grin and bear it springs to mind. You only moved in last week, you're moving out next week. You may or may not be doing more than your share, I don't think your are, but its really not for long. Just bear with it.

maddening Sat 15-Dec-12 21:58:27

It should be slightly easier for sil though -it is pay off for letting you stay over Christmas and the run up to it - which is hectic at the best if times.

magoosmom Sat 15-Dec-12 20:23:45

I think you are in a very hard situation OP. Your SIL is taking the piss, if my ILs were staying with me I would not expect them to take over and do everything in return for us letting them stay. If they paid for half the food I would be grateful, certainly won't expect them to pay for it all and do all the household tasks. YANBU. I feel sorry for you, you have been given a really hard time on here. Good luck.

LittleBairn Sat 15-Dec-12 19:49:02

I think it's a fair split tbh you are 4 people living in her house you are contributing to the morgage so cooking, cleaning etc is the least you can do.

Bobyan Sat 15-Dec-12 18:36:26

You pay your money (or not in this case) and take your choice...

Ghanagirl Sat 15-Dec-12 18:32:31

nurseneedshelp as I explained I'm not "sitting on my arse" I'm doing all cooking cleaning school run paying for food, helping with homework and droping to activities! As a mum do you think it's reasonable to abdicate all responsibilities to someone else? Even if you have a live in nanny surely you take over when you get home, luckily house not cramped as she has large apartment in loft, I really don't mind school run cooking but find it hard to get her two ready on time as they go to bed late plus lot of moaning about food they have packed lunch as they don't like (healthy international cuisine) whereas my two have school meals it's just confusing and draining but I haven't complained to SIL and have just made them dinner although oldest daughter just complained they are " not really curry people"!

Suzieismyname Sat 15-Dec-12 12:56:48

yanbu to be stressed to hell about living with the inlaws. Fortunately I live too far away from mine to make this viable during a normal working/school week.
However yabu to expect not to have to help out your in laws in return for free rent.
Sounds like you are trying too hard to get your DNs to behave about getting to school on time and doing homework. Tell your SIL that if they're not ready by 8.30 (or whatever time you need to leave) that you're going without them. They are her children and her problem.
I hope you manage to get back home before Xmas, try to keep the thought if your lovely updated house in mind so you don't gey too down.
I've been flamed on AIBU before (and have namechanged since) about something I still find revolting, but everyone has different opinions

cheeseandpineapple Sat 15-Dec-12 12:10:04

SIL, BIL and your DH are all taking the piss.

If my brother and family had to come and stay beyond a couple of days, I would not expect my SIL to get my kids ready, do homework with them and do all housework, shopping and cooking.

Those of you giving the OP a hard time, would you totally abdicate responsibility for your children and expect your sahm SIL to do everything just because you're helping them out?

Thought not. Even if you're doing a favour, it would be pretty crass to expect all that and I think most people here are a little more reasonable than that. I work flexible hours so if I don't have someone doing that for me, I do it myself normally. And whilst it would be great to have someone do the school runs, the rest I'd definitely be doing my bit and not expect my guests to feel obligated to provide nanny and maid services just because we're putting them up for a few nights.

And for those saying just double the recipe. Really? That simple? Imagine having a family of 4 over for dinner or lunch. Imagine the prepping and planning to have something that 8 of you can eat at the same time, something that young kids and grown ups all want to eat. Now imagine doing that for a few nights.

I'd find it a hassle if I wasn't getting any help from any of the grown ups and I'm pretty adept at having guests for long periods -being expats, people come and stay for quite long periods.

But, OP, this is as much about your DH chipping in as your SIL.

As for the heating, stick it on. I was in the UK this week and it was fucking freezing even with the heating on and made me feel like staying in bed all day!

nurseneedshelp Sat 15-Dec-12 11:24:48

Is this a joke?? I think u need to be grateful that they're letting u all stay there! I'm sure it's really cramped, why should your sil time home from work and do all the hard work whilst you've been sat on your arse all day? Get a grip!

DontmindifIdo Sat 15-Dec-12 11:18:56

Can you not move back into the house while the builders work round you? How bad is it at home?

clam Sat 15-Dec-12 11:12:57

ghanagirl I think you've had a hard time on here.
Come on, people, it's the run-up to Christmas. Most of us are stressed up to the eyeballs without factoring in builders, an uninhabitable house, staying with ILs, double the workload of kids/cooking/cleaning etc...
As ghana said, she came on here to vent. I'm sure she's being gracious to her SIL's face.

And as you said, 5 more days builders' speak for 2 months

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