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To say we can’t afford to visit DF’s family at Christmas

(294 Posts)
Ambivalence Thu 06-Dec-12 14:48:19

My DF ( fiancé) is pretty hopeless with money and so I have been nagging him for ages to prepare a list of his incomings/ outgoings so that we can prepare a joint budget. I have also been nagging him to check his finances before committing to things, rather than just spending the money and asking me to bail him out. He is not good at living within his means, which I realise is unlikely to ever change as he is 46!

He has now just texted me with the conclusion that we should not go to Holland for Christmas as it would be cheaper to stay at home ( he doesn’t get paid time off anyway).

I have texted back to say we will discuss it tonight. I feel really mean to agree with him, and let him spend Christmas without his family and friends but it would be a lesson to him about working out what you can afford before making plans ( we just went to Holland a week ago for his birthday – he booked the wrong flights and so lost 2 days wages as a result, and spent £200 hosting a party in a bar for his friend).

I am a bit annoyed with him about money anyway as he has been in a low paid call centre (£9/ hour) job since he moved to London in the spring – despite promising to look for something in his field and at a professional salary comparable to the job he left ( her hasn’t put much effort into this), and he is disorganised about giving me money towards the bills ( no rent as I pay the mortgage on my flat) and I have been asking him for months to set up a weekly standing order/ direct debit to me, as he is paid weekly and his budgeting skills are poor.

I feel really mean saying we can’t afford to go to see his family, but in the end I think this might be a lesson learned for him. He never saves anything for a rainy day. I have just had to spend my rainy day fund on some unexpected building work and so don’t have funds to bail him out. Should I agree with him we can’t afford the trip at Christmas or be kind and pay for it?

givemeaclue Thu 06-Dec-12 17:28:06

He is a total loser and you keep bailing him out. You know you won't get any of that 200 back

diddl Thu 06-Dec-12 17:28:11

I find it hard to see how an adult can be bad with money.

You earn X, you have to pay out Y!

So he can´t afford to go see his parents-big fucking deal.

Your mother is paying for your wedding?

Dear lord, has he no self respect?

Ambivalence Thu 06-Dec-12 17:29:25

Yes, plenty of people told me when I was younger not to marry him, but the problem is I love him, and have never felt the same about anyone else. Yes, it does tell me all I need to know that he won’t stump up a penny for the wedding.

I am losing respect for him due to this behaviour

Euphemia Thu 06-Dec-12 17:29:28

Sod that for a game of soldiers.

My DH is 46 and has been responsible for his own finances since he was 18. He hasn't once been in debt, has never needed an overdraft, and other than a mortgage he has never borrowed money from anyone. He has often gone without things in the short term to make things easier in the long term. That's adult behaviour - you are dealing with a child.

Pandemoniaa Thu 06-Dec-12 17:29:50

He may be the love of your life but I wonder how long it'll be before you stop viewing him with such unqualified ardour and start to resent him. Because it occurs to me that he hasn't given up so very much - sure, he's moved countries but Holland is hardly a world away - given how very much he gets from you in the way of material support.

I think you probably do need to agree about not going to Holland for Christmas. Or not if you are going to be paying for the trip. I'd not give what people might think about you a second thought because actually, it's not you who can't be arsed to clutter their head with learning to budget, is it? At 46 he must have lead a rather charmed life up to now unless all his girlfriends have been equally prepared to tolerate his disinterest in being financially responsible.

Euphemia Thu 06-Dec-12 17:31:58

I don't imagine Golden Boy has a pension either?

TalkativeJim Thu 06-Dec-12 17:34:39

He is using you.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 06-Dec-12 17:35:40

So you split when you were 27? Sounds like your 27 year old self was a lot more switched on, and had a lot more self-esteem than your 35 year old self.

If you are desperate for a baby then adopt, or use a donor. Rather than saddle yourself with this man-child, who is never going to make a proper contribution to your household.

How will you feel when you are working full-time and caring for a baby, and he is out buying other people drinks with your money? Trust me, when I say that when you have a newborn and you've had no sleep - you really, really need to be able to respect the father of your baby!

Pandemoniaa Thu 06-Dec-12 17:36:20

I think you could benefit from some counselling. You shouldn't be "desperate" to be with anyone and especially not if they are clearly prepared to take you for granted in the way this man is. Nothing will change for the better if you marry him and you need to have the confidence to realise that it is always far better to be single and happy than it is to be married to the wrong person.

expatinscotland Thu 06-Dec-12 17:42:01

Get a donor and have a baby on your own. I get being desperate for a baby, I've been there. You'll forget all about this loser the moment you have a baby. Do it alone so you have you and your child to worry about and not some tosser who spends your money like water.

Redstockingswillstopsanta Thu 06-Dec-12 17:46:10

In 10 years time, you will be in debt and probably alone.The reason he doesn't stand on his own 2 feet is because everyone bails him out. One day all the love you feel for your "Touchstone" is going to turn to anger and disgust that you allowed yourself and possibly your child to be treated with such disrespect.
For what it's worth my DH is 52 and has always supported himself without expecting any handouts from anyone.

StuckOnTopOfTheChristmasTree Thu 06-Dec-12 17:51:26

True love isn't just about what you feel for someone. It's a partnership deal and he should put you first as much as you put him first. Because that doesn't happen it's doomed to failure. The only reas

StuckOnTopOfTheChristmasTree Thu 06-Dec-12 17:52:52

The only reason it hasn't failed already is your poor self esteem. Anyone else with self esteem would have kicked him out. Work on yourself not on trying to change him...

givemeaclue Thu 06-Dec-12 17:58:23

Ali baba is talking sense re having a baby. When you are on maternity leave how are you going to fund his lifestyle? He doesn't sound like he will make a great dad, what are his views on childcare, does he do much around the house? How

diddl Thu 06-Dec-12 18:02:17

I must admit I´m surprised at your mum-I´d would have thought she´d be trying to discourage you from marrying him, not facilitating it.

I´m not sure if I´m strange as I just couldn´t love someone like that.

It´s said that you can´t help who you fall in love with-but I think that to an extent you can-as I just wouldn´t entertain someone who´s so shit with money.

PiratesMolMabel Thu 06-Dec-12 18:04:24

Hello Ambivalence <hug>
I'm not sure what you're looking for from this forum.

It's glaringly obvious that you're being used as a 'meal ticket' by this bloke. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that he loves you, but I suspect that he's not as attached to you as you are to him. He takes home £300 per week & pays £50 for his travel pass, since he has no debts, by my reckoning, that leaves £250 that he has available to contribute to the household. Why are you only asking for £100?! confused

BTW £9.00 per hour is bloody good money-the National Min Wage is £6.19 so he earns way in excess of this.

OK I appreciate that you live in London where housing costs are high, but we live in darkest Devon where there is limited public transport & it costs my DH about £100 per month to get in/out of work & he earns approximately the same as your partner.

Darling you seriously need a reality check.

RUN! Run and move as far away from this fella as you can. You don't need him sponging off you.

Also get a new counsellor - the one you have should have recognised that you are in the grip of a controlling person who is sapping your self esteem & makes you feel that you owe him something.

Then again maybe they have, but you're not listening to them wink.

Take care. Mabel XX

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr Thu 06-Dec-12 18:06:45

I seriously doubt he has concluded anything at all, he is just fishing for you to tell him not to worry, of course you will sponsor the trip.

I remember your last thread.

Do you think he will still love you if you did not have enough funds to support the lifestyle he wants?

stifnstav Thu 06-Dec-12 18:09:25

He has £600 disposable income per month after paying you, yet has saved nothing for your honeymoon and hasn't given your £200 back?

Can I marry you?

Ambivalence Thu 06-Dec-12 18:16:31

The counsellor thinks we are very attached to each other and highly motivated for this relationship to work. I am very cross that over the past few months he has used being depressed as an excuse not to pull his finger out. With finding a new job. I don’t think he is faking this.

I do think he would still love me if I couldn’t fund his lifestyle, when we met I was a student, so I was broke for the first 4 years of our relationship, and in the last 2 ( 2002- 2004) earned £20k – the same as him then.

I can see why people would think he has moved as he wants a meal ticket, and yes, he doesn’t have a pension. My family are very supportive of the relationship because he provides me with a lot of emotional support.

I am not desperate to have a child, I will probably TTC after our wedding but I am not madly broody.

I am not willing to kick him out, but I think I do have to insist on full disclosure of his finances and set a budget and ask him for a realistic contribution to the household.

He actually does all of the housework ( cleaning kitchen, bathroom, bins, shopping etc), except the laundry and ironing which I do. If one of us cooks, the other washes up.

Ambivalence Thu 06-Dec-12 18:17:34

I know , I am being taken for a ride, and I need to sort out these finances.

givemeaclue Thu 06-Dec-12 18:19:06

Ok so what are you going to do, nagging hasn't worked.

stifnstav Thu 06-Dec-12 18:20:59

"I will probably TTC".... is he not up for it or is it just you? It takes two to tango. Have you had an actual conversation about the future, including mat leave finances?

And you could get rid of him and pay a cleaner to do what he does around the house.

Mollydoggerson Thu 06-Dec-12 18:24:09

What do you actuallky love about him? I don't get it, he sounds like a complete fool and a leech, how many friends would he have had at the party, had he not been paying the bill?

TheProvincialLady Thu 06-Dec-12 18:34:58

Don't marry a man who isn't contributing to the wedding and who spends £250 a week on himself, but won't pay a penny towards the honeymoon he promised to pay for. His promises are worth nothing.

Your counsellor is a dick. Please find a new one, and don't go for relationship counsellng - go for yourself.

WHEN you divorce this man you will be in debt that he has built up, you will have to hand over some of your cash and assets, and you will have to let your child go for access visits knowing that he doesn't pay a penny towards its upkeep. You will be a seething mass of resentment and regret.

Cahoootz Thu 06-Dec-12 18:36:30

Ambivalence. I remember an earlier thread of yours. it was memorable for all the wrong reasons sad. You got a lot of good advice, most of it saying the same thing.
You might as well just give him the money as he will get it one way or another. I can't see the point of stressing about it unless you are actually going to do something concrete about it. This is the pattern of the rest of your life and your future DC's lives.
I sincerely hope you are getting a pre-marital contract. sad. What do you think the wedding guests will be thinking at the wedding?

You admit that you want everyone to like you, and yet you don't seem to like yourself enough to find a partner who respects and loves you.

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