To say we can’t afford to visit DF’s family at Christmas

(294 Posts)
Ambivalence Thu 06-Dec-12 14:48:19

My DF ( fiancé) is pretty hopeless with money and so I have been nagging him for ages to prepare a list of his incomings/ outgoings so that we can prepare a joint budget. I have also been nagging him to check his finances before committing to things, rather than just spending the money and asking me to bail him out. He is not good at living within his means, which I realise is unlikely to ever change as he is 46!

He has now just texted me with the conclusion that we should not go to Holland for Christmas as it would be cheaper to stay at home ( he doesn’t get paid time off anyway).

I have texted back to say we will discuss it tonight. I feel really mean to agree with him, and let him spend Christmas without his family and friends but it would be a lesson to him about working out what you can afford before making plans ( we just went to Holland a week ago for his birthday – he booked the wrong flights and so lost 2 days wages as a result, and spent £200 hosting a party in a bar for his friend).

I am a bit annoyed with him about money anyway as he has been in a low paid call centre (£9/ hour) job since he moved to London in the spring – despite promising to look for something in his field and at a professional salary comparable to the job he left ( her hasn’t put much effort into this), and he is disorganised about giving me money towards the bills ( no rent as I pay the mortgage on my flat) and I have been asking him for months to set up a weekly standing order/ direct debit to me, as he is paid weekly and his budgeting skills are poor.

I feel really mean saying we can’t afford to go to see his family, but in the end I think this might be a lesson learned for him. He never saves anything for a rainy day. I have just had to spend my rainy day fund on some unexpected building work and so don’t have funds to bail him out. Should I agree with him we can’t afford the trip at Christmas or be kind and pay for it?

Be kind to yourself and work out if nannying him for the rest of his life is what you want. I couldn't stand this in a 20 year old, never mind a 40+ man.

kate2boysandabump Thu 06-Dec-12 14:53:44

You already know the answer to your question. The bigger question is do you want to spend your life with a 40something child?

Ambivalence Thu 06-Dec-12 14:53:48

Unfortunately he is the love of my life and I absolutely adore him, His attitude to his career/ finances is something I realise I will just have to accept ( we have been to relate about this – the therapist is helping us work on a strategy for the future). He is not perfect, but then I am certainly not either...

MissCellania Thu 06-Dec-12 14:54:16

I remember you. Are you still coddling this man child?

TheSecondComing Thu 06-Dec-12 14:56:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ambivalence Thu 06-Dec-12 14:56:15

I don’t know the answer to my question – I think I should let him suffer the consequences of his actions, but I feel very unkind not helping him out given that he has left his home country solely to be with me ( e.g. not for career etc)

I left my, considerably further, home country to be with my DH. I didn't realise that entitled me to be looked after, paid for and treated all the home. He went home one week ago FFS. LTB.

ImperialSantaKnickers Thu 06-Dec-12 15:00:35

I hear what you're saying about 'love of your life', but if he won't pull his finger out to do things that he has previously promised to do - like find a job commensurate with his skills - then are you really 'the love of his life'? He does seem to be treating you as a free home with added benefits...

About the only positive I can see is that it was him who realised that going to Holland this Christmas was not affordable.

WilsonFrickett Thu 06-Dec-12 15:02:49

I remember you too.

Why are you upset because he's come to the correct conclusion?

Ambivalence Thu 06-Dec-12 15:13:39

I am upset he has come to the correct conclusion because I am quite neurotic and want everyone to like me – in particular his fruiends and family, and I am worried they will “blame” me that they don’t see him at Christmas.

Maybe doing some work on yourself so that you can value yourself a bit more would be a good idea. If they know him well, they will blame his disorganisation, poor money skills and selfishness for not seeing him at Christmas. You would too if you could only see it.

Bunbaker Thu 06-Dec-12 15:26:49

By helping him out you are enabling his pathetic behaviour. He is 46 FGS and should be responsible enough by now. As long as he has you to bail him out every time he needs some money he is never going to start behaving responsibly.

Stay at home this year. And if they ask why you haven't visited them tell them that their dear, darling son has frittered away is money on other things. If he wants to see his family he needs to grow up and start saving.

Sorry but his attitude towards money would be a deal breaker for me.

Ambivalence Thu 06-Dec-12 15:28:20

Thank you Mrs Pratchett – yes, you are right that they do know him well and so know how disorganised and bad with money he is. I do see that he is being very selfish by expecting me to bail him out. His behaviour is also (MN bingo) very “entitled”, and so I have resolved to myself that I am not bailing him out anymore, and he has to live with the consequences of his decisions ( eg if he didn;’t fritter his money on little things like coffees out, lunches, drinks in the pub, he’s have money for the big things like holidays

verlainechasedrimbauds Thu 06-Dec-12 15:35:13

Don't pay for him to go. Celebrate the fact that he has, for once, come to the correct conclusion. If you would like to help him (which it sounds as if you would), why not praise him for coming to this conclusion and tell him how helpful it is to you and how encouraging it is to see him facing up to his responsibilities and liabilities.

If his family want to see him and you that much and you can't afford to go, then they could fund it (though I don't see why they should).

You do need to work on your own self esteem though because this really could become a big problem in your relationship and lead to resentment between you. It's ok to put your foot down. The world won't fall apart. The fact that this time you didn't need to put your foot down is a cause for relief (and a little jig of joy) not doubt and heartache!

WilsonFrickett Thu 06-Dec-12 15:36:37

According to your post, he doesn't expect you to bail him out, he's already decided you can't afford to go. Why are you even discussing it? Agree with him and grow a pair while you're at it You have to stop enabling him. Is your self-esteem so low that you require your DP's distant family to bolster it? Is that what this relationship is doing to you?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 06-Dec-12 15:39:44

I remember you posting about this bloke before. Wasn't the grand plan that he was going to find some better paid work so that you were more equal financial partners?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 06-Dec-12 15:40:07

But in answer to your question, no don't bail him out. He has to learn to live with the consequences.

expatinscotland Thu 06-Dec-12 15:40:42

Wow! Kick him out, I'll move in with you and be the love of your life so you can keep me. Sounds fab! He's a cocklodger. He's not going to learn anything, he already has, that he can rely on your to finance him rent and bills free in exchange for cocklodging. He's already on to a winner, why on Earth change?

sommewhereelse Thu 06-Dec-12 15:49:04

We couldn't afford to go to my home country last Christmas and not because of being irresponsible with finances. We went to a couple of weddings there in the autumn so as a result we couldn't go later in the year.

Unless there's someone who is old or ill and it's possibly their last Christmas, it's not that big a deal.

On the bright side, it may be a lesson learnt for him and also it's his first Christmas since living in the UK so he may actually enjoy it more than being at home. It's fun to celebrate Christmas in different ways.

honeytea Thu 06-Dec-12 16:06:59

How expensive would the trip be? Is it just a case of paying for flights and then staying with his family?

Were you thinking of buying him a christmas present? Could you put the money that you were going to spend on that towards a flight?

I really think you have left it very very late to be booking fights around Christmas, my family booked flights 6 weeks ago from the UK to Sweden and they were already 3x the price of a normal flight. Have you looked into how much a flight to holland would actually cost?

Ambivalence Thu 06-Dec-12 16:45:01

The flioghts will be about £150.

The booking flights at the last minute is another thing ( I like to book way in advance, he leaves it to the last minute).

The trip won’t be too expensive – flight and staying with family, but it always ends up getting expensive with eating out, buying hostess gifts etc

I was thinking of buying him a Christmas present – and would normally spend about £100, but I don’t think paying for his flight is sending the right message. I think he needs to work out a budget and if he wants to go to Holland, he needs to cut back on expenses beforehand to be able to afford it.

Are you going to put up with bad money management, poor planning and a partner with a crappy job (when they can do better) for your whole marriage? Is there a line in the sand? What is the line in the sand?

expatinscotland Thu 06-Dec-12 16:52:26

He's 46-years-old! You'd think he was in 6th form from these posts.

You are soooo wrong expat. grin When I was 18, I planned for trips home and paid for them myself. I would pitch this at about 12 years old.

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