to feel that most females have been the victim of some kind of sexual abuse?

(639 Posts)
SoleSource Fri 05-Oct-12 14:46:31

AIBU?

I was very nearly raped by a taxi driver. Also my cries of NO have been ignored on a couple of occasions.

pamish Thu 08-Nov-12 23:13:03

There are only two answers to this - 'Yes' and 'I don't know' - as you can't recall what happened when young.

The next question has to be - Why?

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Thu 08-Nov-12 23:07:31

Yep and only one of my friends haven't.
It's incredibly sad, I wonder if its always been this way?

...posted before finishing...I'll never know 100% what happened but I'm certain I wasn't raped or seriously assaulted. It was only in the weeks afterwards I started it have wtf was that thoughts. I have no memory of anything in between accepting a drink and then being in a different room with the naked man.

Going back 15 years....I'm very sure my drink was spiked. I remember coming to very suddenly in the back of a nightclub to find myself being groped by a naked man. I said I was leaving and although he tried to persuade me to stay he didn't physically stop me. I guess I'll never know 100

servingwench Thu 08-Nov-12 22:54:24

OMG...you really aren't BU and I would never have realised.
I was 16 and a old pervert Dr made me take off all my clothes from the waist up to listen to my chest...still makes me shudder.
Also recall being with a man in my 20's...I said no, he carried on...

amarylisnightandday Thu 08-Nov-12 22:51:52

Yanbu. Date rape. Sexual harassment at work. Sexual abuwe within a relationship.

Just remembered a boyfriend when I was 17/18 assuming we would have sex. I really didn't want to as we hadn't been going out long and had to make excuses. FFS why did I have to make excuses? No should've been enough. I'd forgotten that.

I haven't read all the thread as I'm getting upset for everyone. Will finish another day. I have been kissed when I didn't want to be, groped in clubs. I was with an abusive guy when I was 19 and there was something sexual which I said I Never wanted him to do, he told me one day that when I was asleep that he had done it to me. I don't know if he was lying just to get a reaction or if he actually did it.
My friend was abused by her brother. My mum was abused by her dad and I think he forced himself on m nan too. I hate this world.

TheOriginalLadyFT Thu 08-Nov-12 20:27:27

This thread is both shocking and unsurprising - and it makes me see that most women, myself included, simply accept abuse as part and parcel of our lives

Along with the usual being pressed against/groped on buses, trains, in nightclubs etc, I've had a man who, at the time, was nearly three times my age chase me round a workplace where I was on a gap year and try and grope/kiss me, had a long term boyfriend coerce me regularly into sex after having verbally abused me, had a man come into my room in a house I was sharing and remove his pants and try to get into bed with me, had a much older and powerful work colleague offer to "progress" my career if I slept with him, had a CEO of a large organisation pat my bum and call me cute when I was the senior exec at another large organisation. The list goes on, and does not include the times I've been called a bitch, whore or cunt by a male stranger when I've asked them (politely or otherwise) to desist in unwanted behaviour

TrudiRed Sat 13-Oct-12 11:03:38

I can honestly say I have never received any unwanted sexual attention from anyone. Clearly I am very lucky. I am shocked and upset by some of your stories

justoutsidenormalrange Sat 13-Oct-12 01:46:51

YANBU. Reading through this and comparing notes, the 'minor' unwanted incidents seem very nearly universal. So common, that we all seem to have strategies for ignoring them at the time and blanking them out later.

The pervy teacher comments, the skirt lifting, the flashers, the groping in Saturday jobs, the boyfriend who pushes the boundaries much too far, the excessive advances from someone else's partner, the necessary avoidance of some changing or shower rooms. The painful 2am sex when ill or post-natal. Are people really totally exempt? or completely un-bothered by these? Or just well-adjusted to the reality, and reluctant to let such behaviour spoil their lives.

Thats not even counting those who haven't been fortunate enough to escape major assault, incest, child abuse or rape, or the second-hand impact of such events on the other women (friends, sisters, daughters) who know or sense that its happened. And the consequences, the disabling effects of the psychological damage which then cause other problems in relationships etc.

The comments about the prolific nasty types causing most of the abuse sound sort of true, as does the suggestion that the beta-males are possibly unaware because of a lifetime spent avoiding those individuals. I hope so, anyway sad

mirry2 Thu 11-Oct-12 21:55:47

Digard your experiences were siilar to mne. Men were always rubbing themselves against me especially on buses. There was on guy who nearly always got on the same bus and took up all the space on the seat, with his thighs rubbing against mine, legs as wide as they could go as I shrank further and further into my seat. I dreaded it every time I saw him getting on the bus. One day I plucked up the courage and said in a loud voice.' Please could you remove your leg from mine'. He immediately got up and bent ove me shouting 'you filthy slag, lesbian, whore' and then left the bus. I looked round at the others on the bus. Nobody met my eye or said a word. I had to get off at the next stop and was really worried that he would be there. Luckily he wasn't and I don't remeber ever seeing him again. I now wonder if he used to deliberately waited for me. But maybe I'm being paranoid.

lazydays2 Thu 11-Oct-12 21:49:27

YANBU.

I suspect in the 70's and early 80's abuse was very prevalent, but genuinely not considered as abuse by the perpetrators. I was abused on a number of occassions by two seperate men. At the time I knew i didn't like what they did/made me do but I was too young to know what was actually going on.
I'm nothing special, I suspect lots of girls had the same experiances.

digerd Thu 11-Oct-12 21:31:02

A lot of very deluded men actually think we women love it, and when we say no we really mean yes. A few years ago, I was on holiday with a group of singles, 4 women aged 50s-85, and one man 84. I was in the lift with him once, and as I exited the lift with him behind me, I was startled, but bemused, when he pinched my bottom !! I was not offended, but the next year, a very attractive man in his 50s, was in the lift with me and a lady friend, and as he got out before us, he placed an arm round our waists and gave us a peck on the cheek, but with me, the younger, he slid his hand down to one buttock and squeezed it. I was horrified and humiliated as his intentions were very clear, and he actually thought I was up for it. I was also upset to think I had given him that impression.
When I was a young teenager 15-17, the dirty old men brigade were drawn like a magnet to me, exposing was the thing in those days, and the touching and subtle rubbing of their knees against mine on public transport. Although, once I had knitted myself a tight dress and was standing on the underground escalator, when a man came running up the side of me and stopped just to whisper in my ear what a lovely little bum I had, and then moved on. I was quite flattered. No touching !!!!!!

mirry2 Thu 11-Oct-12 19:07:38

Not making any excuses AT ALL about Jimmy saville but I can't help thiking that he was probably no better or worse than many other sick jokes of manhood at the time.

itsthequietones Thu 11-Oct-12 17:33:34

At ages 15 - 21 groped pretty much every weekend at the local nightclub. The worse experience there was when a group of 'men' were hanging around the ladies toilets and all of them assaulted each and every woman who went into the toilets. It was a good weekend when no one touched me.

At 17 my boyfriend waited until I was asleep before assaulting me. I woke up during it and he moved his hand, turned over and ignored me.

At 18 attempted rape by a man who knew people in the group I hung about with. He groped me, put his hand over my mouth and tried to push me into a doorway. Luckily another man on a motorbike had driven past, not like what he had seen and came back. He shouted, chased after him and made sure I got home safely. There are good men about, he was my guardian angel.

At 21, 22, 23 I was in a relationship where my 'boyfriend' raped me and bullied me into sex I don't know how many times.

I have 2 daughters and I'm terrified about the world I've brought them into.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Thu 11-Oct-12 00:29:05

Totally agree and i hope it goes nationwide and not just West Midlands..

LineRunner Thu 11-Oct-12 00:19:26

Oh good. Thanks, Things.

If DCS Simon Hyde is looking at this, I think your phrase 'almost delusional about what happened' is very important.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Thu 11-Oct-12 00:16:10

Me too, i have commented on their page to say well done and it's long overdue, giving the link for here.

LineRunner Thu 11-Oct-12 00:09:24

Interesting quote:

Detective Chief Superintendent Simon Hyde, who leads the team of officers who investigate sexual assaults, said: “Much of the time offenders don’t even realise what they’ve done is a crime and are almost delusional about what has happened."

Glad to see the focus on offenders.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Thu 11-Oct-12 00:05:50
BegoniaBampot Wed 10-Oct-12 18:06:50

I have to say, when I was younger and more naive, trusting and sometimes had probably too much to drink I put myself in many situations with guys I barely knew or had just met, sometimes went back to theirs for coffee or went quite far with foreplay type behaviour, slept in the same bed. With the guys I chose to go with, they all tended to respect my boundaries and when I said no to sex and had already made it clear it was not an option, accepted it. It was the idiots in the streets or in night clubs etc who were the pests and assaulted me with no encouragement. I like to think there are still a lot of good guys out there who would never push the boundaries in an unacceptable way.

WineGoggles Wed 10-Oct-12 17:55:31

I was groped on numerous occasions in night clubs

I was groped at a gig. It was scary as I was alone and he was persistent.

An ex BF tried to rape me.

I had my bum pinched on a few occasions by a colleague. When I complained to my manager he blamed me because of the way I spoke to the men. I was only 18, and funny enough only that twat took my chat the wrong way.

Stalked by an ex.

jumbletumble Wed 10-Oct-12 16:40:48

YANBU OP. I actually wonder how many decent folk there are in the world. If a guy is not cheating on you, he is looking at porn or paying for sex. Including well educated, seemingly respectable guys with their nice big homes and oblivious perfect wives/family. Have you heard of adultwork.com ? I have thanks to my ex hubbys indiscretions. That website is quite frankly shocking and disturbing. The world is a sick, sick place.

Emandlu Wed 10-Oct-12 15:23:14

Just pointed out to a family member that the photos he keeps liking on Facebook are completely inappropriate. (Scantily clad women).

Asked him how he'd feel if it were either of his daughters in the photos.

He just replied "I'll consider myself told off shall I?"

I think that men don't like it to be pointed out that their behaviour is unacceptable as that puts them into a category with sad men who perve at women.

Ah well, tough luck I'm afraid!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now