To think this is a heartless bastardish thing to do?

(180 Posts)
sillymoomoo Fri 28-Sep-12 22:18:11

My 'dp' of 3.5 years, doesn't live with us 'yet' have a ds (not together) but supposed to be a family. Ds is poorly and has woken up crying with a temperature and asked where dp is as he's normally here most nights, he's not here tonight so I said shall we ring him.

He won't answer his phone because he said his mates round having a fucking beer. He text me this so I told him ds was sick and wanted to say hello his response 'well he can't'.

I'm absolutely fuming, he's done things like this before but we've been ok for almost a year now and I thought we were past him being a childish little idiot. These guys are in their 30's not kids, his friend has his own son so why the hell wouldn't he speak to ds.

mysonsasaint Fri 28-Sep-12 23:02:25

sad poor DS.

What does your DP do for a job, btw? Not that I think it will excuse it, just interested to hear what job makes you so stressed you treat your family like shit.

sillymoomoo Fri 28-Sep-12 23:02:47

Perhaps it's just been a coincidence that I haven't tried to ring him while he's been with his mate so this hasn't come up. He's been out less. Can't think of a reason he'd be like this, doubt he's drunk he's working early which is why he's not here.

Maybe he's just bored of us again. To be honest it's always me trying to arrange when we see eachother, sort out days off work so that we can do nice things. One of the big changes he's made this year is finally got rid of his sports car for a family car so that we can actually all go out together.

When he's like this I just feel like calling it a day as it's one step forward two steps back and reminds me of all the heartache I had in those early days. Surely it shouldn't be this hard.

madonnawhore Fri 28-Sep-12 23:04:49

He sounds like a complete prick.

How can you think anything about your situation is okay?

You and your DS deserve so much better.

PedanticPanda Fri 28-Sep-12 23:05:53

I just read DP this thread (he also acts quite immature when he gets with his mates too so I thought he'd give a different view). He says your DP should grow up and stop being an arsehole and an immature little c***, and you should tell him not to bother coming back.

sillymoomoo Fri 28-Sep-12 23:06:03

Sorry I meant he said 'I'm ruining my chances of seeing him tomorrow', basically he knows I'll want to see him tomorrow so using that against me meaning keep moaning and you won't see me.

His job is an electritian, he says the long drives make him tired and stressed and the working weekends. Personally I don't think it's a good excuse, I have stresses as a working mum but I'm sure I don't do this.

mysonsasaint Fri 28-Sep-12 23:06:33

How old is DS? Does he see his father at all?

sillymoomoo Fri 28-Sep-12 23:07:50

6 and no, only ever known 'dp'

shittingit Fri 28-Sep-12 23:16:47

He sounds like a complete tosser, what are you getting from this relationship?, seriously, you have a child that he allegedly treats as his own and then refuses to talk to because he us with his mates, he also makes sure you know your place by threatening to withold contact with you if you continue.

What a loser, dump him, the signs are all there, you and you're son deserve so much better.

edam Fri 28-Sep-12 23:19:29

He sounds like a real charmer. hmm

lovebunny Sat 29-Sep-12 01:40:04

who is he with?
he doesn't give a damn about your son, does he?
and you have to be on your best behaviour or he won't call round? are you joking? presumably he'll call round whenever he wants sex he doesn't have to work or pay for.
do you really want him? could you live happily with your son and not have such an unpleasant character in your lives? i can't promise that if you let this louse go you'll find someone new, or find someone better. but your lives would surely be better without him.

AgentZigzag Sat 29-Sep-12 01:50:00

I couldn't have a long term relationship with someone I felt I had to keep entertained or they'd get bored with me.

Fuck that.

Take me as I am or not at all.

I don't mean not modifying small things to get along, but his expectations seem a little controlling.

Like other posters pointing out about the threats not to come round, is that something he does often? He must think it'll work or he wouldn't us it. Does he like to see you running round after him because it gives his ego a bit of a boost?

Miltonia Sat 29-Sep-12 01:56:27

Did he show this lack of commitment before you had a child together? Did he want to be a father? I ask as he is showing precious little interest in either of you.

He sounds about twelve. I hope you can encourage him to grow up and behave like a father to his son but the signs are not good.

Extrospektiv Sat 29-Sep-12 02:02:31

He's not black?

So, he's a fucking racist heartless bastard who thinks that only black men can be deadbeat dads and him getting pissed with his mates when his son needs daddy on the phone doesn't qualify his privileged white bastardish arse for such a status?

Yanbu, he's about as mature as alfie patten on this evidence, except alfie was really 13 and wasn't really a dad (thank goodness.)

Extrospektiv Sat 29-Sep-12 02:04:19

*sorry for assuming your dp was white above, i don't know that, just tend to assume when people engage in such stereotype-based fuckery they're not from an oppressed racial class.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney Sat 29-Sep-12 02:26:13

miltonia the OP has clearly said the DP isn't the bio dad, but the ds doesn't know bio dad and only knows DP as father figure.

OP no it shouldn't be this hard. Don't let him blackmail/emotionally abuse you with threats of his absence if you don't play ball. Being a "parent" isn't a role you can pick up and put down when you feel like it.

deleted203 Sat 29-Sep-12 03:11:35

I don't think he was being racist with the 'I'm not black' comment. There is no suggestion that only black men are deadbeat dads. He was sneering at the OP for saying he was being 'disrespectful'. He was mocking her choice of words. Basically making out she was trying to talk in 'street slang' and WTF did she think she was?

Extrospektiv Sat 29-Sep-12 03:29:42

Well I don't get the feeling of black ghetto talk from "being disrespectful", a perfectly standard white-middle-class-friendly construction. If it was "are you dissing me?" followed by "I'm not black", I would have interpreted it this way, even then when I've heard this between whites it's generally the second person saying "^you^'re not black" or "are you black?" if they wish to call out someone using "ghetto talk" or putting on a "Jafaican" accent.

In that context, I thought he was playing on the stereotype of blacks as having a child with their "baby mama" then leaving them and repeating that with numerous women as a twisted defence against the truth that he was indeed being disrespectful by denying his obligations to her and especially his son. But I don't know that for sure.

Thumbwitch Sat 29-Sep-12 03:34:26

He sounds like a complete twatbadger and you should NOT call him again. Let him call you and grovel and then kick him into touch, because any "man" who can put his conversation and beer with a mate over the needs of a sick child really isn't worth the effort.

Miltonia Sat 29-Sep-12 03:49:24

Sorry toomuch I misunderstood the "not together" as meaning she and DP weren't together. I did read the thread, but not carefully enough obviously.

differentnameforthis Sat 29-Sep-12 04:01:48

He's an arse because he wants to enjoy some free time with his mates, not talk to your son? I don't see the issue, sorry! If it were his son, that would different. I think I would have told my child that X was busy tonight, but we can talk to him tomorrow.

He is having an night with his mates, can't he just have that without needing to be at your son's beck & call? Do you often call him with petty things like this when he is having time with mates etc? If so, I can why he gets pissed off with it.

You aren't a family, because he doesn't live with you. You need to decide if you want that, or not. He isn't his parent tho is he? In inverted commas or not, he is not related to our child, so I am sorry, but if he doesn't want to say hi to him in the middle of the night, while relaxing with his mates, he doesn't actually have to! Sounds like you turned the whole episode into a row & now he looks like the bad guy. I would have perhaps text to say "X would like to speak to you, if have time please call" But I would certainly not have called him demanding he talk to my child.

As for the other stuff, if your relationship really is as bad as you say, save all of your the trouble & call it quits.

margerykemp Sat 29-Sep-12 08:11:05

He isn't a 'D'P for a start.

This is not a healthy relationship for your DS to be witnessing.

At least he doesn't live with you, you can just break it off by text today and have nothing more to do with him.

Proudnscary Sat 29-Sep-12 08:23:12

I was going to say after your OP that maybe you were hassling him on the phone and using ds's illness as an excuse to keep texting him so he snapped.

But reading the rest of of your posts, I think he sounds just awful. Absolutely horrible. Think of your son! Why would you want an immature, selfish, grumpy, selfish, racist (unless I don't get the black comment? WTF????!!!!) around your precious son?

My dh spoke to 2 year old dd who had banged her head in the middle of a job interview. Dh's interview not dd's. ok it was a very informal first stage coffee and chat get to know you interview, but he answered phone and spoke to her - he did get the job!

In the circumstances he was in I think it's very unfair not to speak to your ds. Stick to your guns- tell him this in unacceptable. Hope your ds feels better!

Catsmamma Sat 29-Sep-12 08:31:43

stop entertaining this manchild, and including him in your lives. Make your own plans and do not include him.....let him dangle, don't answer the phone when he deigns to call. Do not make him the focus of your weekends.

He is treating you as a backup plan, and I suggest you do the same.

Hope your wee one is feeling brighter this morning.

hzgreen Sat 29-Sep-12 08:42:03

He won't take 5 minutes to say hello to DS when he's ill and asking for him??
he still lives elsewhere after 3 years together?
you're ruining your chances of seeing him by having an argument?
you make most of the arrangements to meet up ??

i know it's easy to say this but i'd kiss him off. My DH works part time in an office job, is starting his own business, does most of the housework and puts DS to bed nearly every night and would never refuse to spend 5 minutes soothing him because he was having fun with a mate.

There are better men out there than this loser.

or do what Catsmamma suggests, i like that idea

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