Things not to say to pupils (alternate title: 'please floor, swallow me up')

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

[Collecting books at the end of the lesson]

Year 11 'hottie': "Oh, I've got Hamlet as well miss. Do you want that too?"

Me: "I'll take whatever you're offering"

The rest of Year 11: "Snigger"

Please reassure me that someone's said something more inappropriate to a pupil and wanted the ground to swallow them up

Oops!

I told a pupil to 'swivel' once, as in turn themselves around. It seems it had another meaning too, as they thought it was hilarious. :) It's rude...

A student on a teaching practise in my class of Year 2 children was doing a maths lesson that I was observing.
She made a simple mistake in a calculation and said loudly 'oh bugger' to the children sitting on the carpet infront of her!

The children all looked shocked but didn't speak, they just collectively turned round to look at me at the back of the room.

I wasn't sure whether to tell her off or what to do! I can remember muttering something about words slipping out and how the children were too sensible to repeat the word!

She was mortified and learnt a valuable lesson!

Alternative, not alternate.

I also once gave an extract of To Kill a Mockingbird to a class with all the verbs removed for them to write their own version. My word, that class had filthy minds!

Mine are post-grad level students.

Me (having just asked students to swap their work with the person next to them, turning to a table with 3 students on it): "have you guys done a three-way?"

Realised what I'd said about a second later...

Oh, sorry, did I stray into Pedants Corner?

Although, I still maintain that my title is correct (or at least, isn't incorrect. Alternative would also be right). Am I not using 'alternate' as an ajective there? In which case, it's fine.

Today I covered a PE lesson. We had to substitute equipment we needed with other stuff that was available. I needed to demonstrate. So I said the following, to a male heavy class of year six -

"Male Pupil A, hold up the rackets.
Male Pupil B, hold up your balls."

I also asked a year four boy to fill in my gap. It was just me that thought I was a twat that time, though.

Studying 'Blackberry-Picking' by Seamus Heaney with bottom set all-boy Year 11, I tried to get them to understand the simile 'our palms sticky as Bluebeard's' with a breezy 'come on, boys, what else makes your palms sticky?'

WHAT WAS I THINKING???

Ooh interesting. I think, used as an adjective, as here, alternate is actually better.

Pmsl @ sticky palms and hold up your balls!

I was once reminding year seven about paragraphs. I was using the acronym tiptop to help them to remember when to start a new paragraph. I wrote it on the board in foot high letters and missed out the first p. I realised but froze momentarily before rectifying my mistake. At that precise moment my HOD walked in to see the word Tit written in quite large letters on my board!

Love these! At my mum's school pupils had to meet with Roger the careers advice bloke and my mum used to ask pupils if they 'had been Rogered yet' She had no idea what she was saying (and was the head teacher) I had to explain why they kept pissing themslves laughing.

My colleague loudly announced to her year 6 class that their new book was called 'mr twat' (not mr twit!)

Every time I now read that book to the class I am scared of reading it wrong!

Loooooooooove "have you been Rogered yet?"

That is amazing

DS told me about his English teacher to an all-male class - I think it was in Year 11- talking about a classmate's writing. She wanted to use a 'dog with a bone' metaphor about how he had emphasised a certain theme in a piece of work. Unfortunately it came out 'Colin's not only got hold of his bone, he's really shaking it about....'

My old English teacher once thought he had a class fully engaged in A Midsummer Night's Dream because they were laughing at the jokes.

They weren't. But Bottom and Titania had been abbreviated to Bot and Tit, which was very, very, very funny.

In my whole career, I have only ever sworn in front of the students once- I was an art teacher, and at the end of a year 9 drawing lesson I asked a few kids to show their drawings. My response to one of the drawings? "That's fucking brilliant!" It just slipped out. Naturally, I apologised profusely.

It was fucking brilliant, though.

I am actually laughing out loud.

Palms sticky... three way... shaking the bone about... (and all the others)

Chuckle

And I almost didn't reopen the thread in case a load of pedants had snuck on, so am delighted to discover my adjective theory may actually be right!

When I taught in a rural school, the Yr 6 boys were asked to help herd some sheep back into the field, that had escaped onto the yard. They were gone for ages and when they cam back I asked one of them "Where on earth have you been?" meaning what took so long? He answered "I've been chasing sheep" at which point, god only knows why, I said "Ha, couldn't get a girlfriend could you?". So inappropriate, but luckily it passed over his head, not so one very knowing girl in the class who nearly laughed herself sick.

Hahahah.

Thank you. I can face Year 11 again now.

I recently misread a line in Mockingbird. Got my tongue in a twist over the "shoot all the bluejays you like." I got the b and the j the wrong way round and it came out "shoot all the jews..." eek. Class were scared to laugh at first!

Oops!

Remember the time I tried to tell a naughty year 10 class to "stop acting like a bunch of twits" - except I might have said something slightly different?! Happens to us all.

Hope it's going ok.

[waves at Sassy] Apart from the unintentional inuendoes, it's going brilliantly. I'm almost scared to tell you just how much I love it.

Snort at 'rogered'