My 14yr old dd is lying to me about things, how do we resolve it - CUSTY!!!!!!??????

[Wisteria]

and it's always silly little things to try to 'get away with it' - her words. Last night she was trying to explain why she had misled me about her activities at the weekend and then, as soon as she realised that I wasn't going to allow her to go to something I'd previously agreed to (because the situation has changed from what I was told when I agreed), she tried to make out that she didn't know the full facts when she'd asked me, which was patently untrue.

I have tried to impress upon her the importance of trust and the fact that as she grows up we need to know that she is truthful so we know where she is, who with etc in case anything happens. At present I don't trust her at all and it breaks my heart.

I'm furious with myself because last night I lost my temper with her over it and shouted at her. We only had the same convo 3 weeks ago over something else and she was grounded for a week but I'm aware that grounding is not such an effective punishment in the winter as it gets dark so quickly that they don't tend to go out as much.
How can I regain the trust between us because at present I feel as though I am losing her and I'm not coping with it terribly well.

[Wisteria]

bump - got to go out now but will check your words of wisdom later x

[Tortington]

at 14 they are going to want to go out - and its about managing the situation.

you have to creat an atmosphere where you are not going to go ballistic if she tells you something your not likley to want to hear.

the trick is keeping a non commital face. saying you will think about it and will give her an answer later - that way you dont get into an argument.

"mum i want to go out with sarah to watch a concert at the leisure centre will be home by ten." ( for instance)

give lecture - any suspicion of lies that you consider mightput her in awkward position that you cannot control will amount in flat out deniel of request. She is important and as long as shes alive your quite frankly not bothered that she hates you = only way round this is your way as mum.

how is she getting there
how is she getting home
do you know sarah
who booked the tickets
who paid for them
does sarahs mum know? best not let that one be your fault - and phone sarahs mum and get the skinny.

once you have controlled the situation as best as you can - made her as safe as poss

this then becomes the golden lighthouse of " show me what thou can do daughter and dontest fuckest it up"


give 10 min lecture " i have considered your answers and becuase youhave ben truthful - i give you this chance - dont take the piss - show me love trust and respect oh daughter - or live solitary nun life.

[emsiewill]

Custy, will you come and live with me in a couple of years when my dd gets to this sort of age?

I know I will need you...

[SmartArseCoveredinCobwebs]

God, I need you too, NOW! DD1 is a terrible fibber.

[Tortington]

two years time mine are going to be 16.

then only two years left before i pack their cases and kick their scrawny arses out the door!

i think i was trying to kid myself that 2 + 2 is better than 4

[Wisteria]

Thank you Custy - so......the scenario went like this, what do you think? Long, sorry!

'Mum, when am I going to be allowed back into town shopping?' (She was banned from town after an 'incident' last year).
Dec 15th I replied - oh she said, ok and off she went. When I asked why she said that it was her friend's b'day and there were 4-5 of them (all girls I know and like) going shopping, cinema then back for a sleepover. I called her Dad and said I thought it was time she was allowed to go as she had responded so maturely etc - he agreed. I told her the next day - you can go, she said - but they're all going on the bus and I'm not allowed. I said that because she was being so mature, we were going to allow her to prove herself and also as a reward for doing well at school etc.

That same day, she casually slipped into convo that there were now about 20 of them going and she couldn't wait to go into Nottingham - 'Nottingham??' I said, 'I thought you meant Mansfield' (they always go to Mansfield, no one has ever asked to go into the 'big city' before), 'oh' she said casually 'I forgot to mention it'. At this point she started getting a bit flustered and me with 'deceit antenna' as long as my arm could tell she had deliberately misled me.

Obviously I was now cross but didn't show it and instead just said, why weren't you straight with me from the beginning? Your Dad and I would never have agreed to 20 of you going into Nottingham in the first place and you know that. At this point she said, 'oh well I thought it was Mansfield, XX only told me today it was Nottingham' - blatant lie. So, we went for a walk and I explained that it was something different that she was doing to the permission she had received IYSWIM - she was furious with me and accused me of making excuses. At this point I lost my temper and shouted at her .

I have now said to her that she can go to the cinema and I will drop her off and pick her up and then take her to the sleepover. She doesn't want to go funnily enough, obviously far too embarrassing (even though I offered to drop her round the corner etc so no one would see me).

I feel sorry for her but at the same time still furious that we don't seem to be getting the lies dealt with.

I find it hard to believe that all the other parents are fully ok with this set up, so do I ring them and let them know the full story or leave it?

To be honest if it was the original 4 or 5 that she'd originally said were going I would have been able to come to some kind of compromise and maybe gone into town myself so I would be around if they needed me.

[Tortington]

i'm with you - i think you handled it as best you could - our equiv big city is brighton - and i hav let my dd go before with 3 of her friends that ilike very much. all v. sensible. with the standard " reverse thae charges - i wont be pissed if i have to come pick you up - rather that than something happening to you" talk.

i think in your situation with 20 - its far to big a group - its like asking for trouble - you cant know all 20 and what they are like and if there is a clepto among them who will get arrested and other unimaginable things that only we imagine!
so i think a firm hand was in order - and i think you were right.

[Tortington]

oh and as an aside my dd's twin brother isn't allowed to go becuse he is one of those boys that scts stupid- and has stupid friends and so big city - no way

its unfair - tough shit.

[Wisteria]

the reassuring tone I needed! thank you Custy - I'm not just a cow then!

[Tortington]

no dh and i are prize cows.

dh picks dd up from school at 4.30 becuase she has drama ( oh what a good GCSE FOR HER)practice. Bare in mind ds has already walked home. we said we would pick her up - and her friend and drop friend off at home - becuse te nights will be getting darker and she uses a subway.

but its not dark at 4.30 is it! we said 5. anyway. becuase we made this arrangement we say nothing ( its happended 2 weeks on bounce) and picked her up.

we are nothing if not magnanimous shes in the dor 5 mins before she takes control over the phone and the AIR in the living room and the soundwaves - god the NOISE. she gets off phone ORDERED DH to take her to tesco for ingredients for cooking.

dh looks at me and says " sort her out i'm losing my temper"

she looks at dh and starts with the vicki pollard routine.

i stay quiet - refusing to make this my fight by default and thinking dh should be able to handle it.

dh loses plot and sends her to bed

she joins us for tea -doesnt speak.
she goes back to room

havent seen her since.

she hasnt got her ingredients. and i am not goitn to tesco at 8am - she has had three wekks to get this shit in order.

3 weeks

so there.

PHEW!

[MarsLady]

As my mother always said Custy......... If they don't learn then they'll feel!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I'm with you. She's had 3 weeks to sort herself out... so it's her problem.

[Tortington]

i am going to have to forfeit tasting the profiteroles! darn it.

[MarsLady]

I'll get you some at the meetup babe! Fret not!

[WendyWeber]

IME, once they get to sec school and their friends are people whose parents you don't know, they bank on you not getting together and comparing notes.

So absolutely, in this kind of situation, insist on having home phone numbers for all of the other 19 (or whatever) before you will even discuss her going

[Tortington]

daddy went to shop for ingredients ...nd giving her lift to school becuase she has eggs! soft as shyte, soft as shyte

[bozza]

at wendy the voice of experience.

[Pimmpom]

Oh well, at least you'll be on tasting duty tonight - there's got to be some perks

[Tortington]

well it was delish. yum chuffin yum.

[dolally]

wisteria, am sure all the other parents are not ok with all the arrangements and are having the same arguments, doubts and hassles as u are!

[Wisteria]

Hi all - am having a nightmare....

DD was allowed to go to the sleepover, she reacted very well to not being allowed into town and we made the birthday girl a cake together instead, but I've just dropped her off, only to be told they are going out to the park for a couple of hours - didn't have the heart to say no, it always seems to be no at the moment and all the other dcs seem to be allowed to do these things so I am beginning to feel as though I am being unreasonable.

I made her promise me that they would be back by 9 at the absolute latest and that if she can't be back for 9 she is to phone me and I will pick her up - she assures me that she will not be letting us down again but I'm biting my nails to the quick as she's never been allowed out after dark before.

There's a group of them, all seem to be fairly nice kids - but how do you know?

Why is this sooo hard!?

[Skimty]

I don't have anything useful to add (baby not even 14 months! Just wanted to say that I'm sure it'll be alright and give you a hug as I bet you'll be worrying all night long now!

[Tortington]

have you heard anything?

[Wisteria]

No not yet -what time shall I call her mobile? On the dot at 9 or wait until quarter past?

I should be able to tell if she's out or not and unfortunately the sleepover house doesn't have a landline yet as they've just moved in so I can't get her to call me from there to check!

How far do I 'check up' or in other words spy on her?

DP has offered to go in car to check that she's not still out at half past although it will interfere with the rugby!

[WendyWeber]

Wisteria, did you make it very clear that she really needs to stick to her promise tonight if she wants to be allowed more freedom in the immediate future?

Has she rung yet????