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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Sons gf pregnant

31 replies

Oldeststorey · 02/12/2013 16:24

Name changed for this. My 21 yr old son has told me this afternoon that his gf is 6 weeks pregnant. Apparently they went to the doctors last week, got an appointment to discuss a termination which was going to happen on Thursday this week. However, she says shehas now changed her mind and is refusing to talk to him about it, beyond saying that she'll see him in court in 9 months time. Some silly misunderstanding, although they do have a very on/off relationship anyway. She has always been on the pill throughout their relationship so he (obviously wrongly) thought it was safe. They have been together since they were 17. She is also 21.

He feels as if his life is over although I've told him it's not of course.

She is also 21. I have asked her to meet me - I wouldn't try to influence her one way or the other of course but she's refusing to talk to me as well. I just want to be sure she is ok. She says she's told her parents.

Any words of advice please? I'm devastated but trying hard not to show it.

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Mrscupcake23 · 02/12/2013 16:39

Snap have posted as well but son is younger than yours. I don't think there is any advice if you are like me you probably are devastated.

AuntieStella · 02/12/2013 16:54

Oh dear.

Yes it's a life changing event, however it pans out. And e only thing you can do is hide your devastation and support your DS.

The relationship may be on/off, but now is the time they really need to work out what is going on, because on/off dramas will not provide a stable background for a child. If she is refusing contact, there is little at can be done directly right now. But your DS needs to come to terms with the pg and this break up, and work out what is the most positive set of future options.

Tabby1963 · 02/12/2013 17:07

OP, I have a teen son and sympathise. The only thing you can do it think of the long term; in eight months you will become grandparents; in six years your grandson or granddaughter will be starting school. In ten years they'll be going to secondary school; in 19 years time you will be celebrating their 18th birthday with them.

I suspect that your devastation will disappear the moment you set eyes on your grandchild. Good luck.

Oldeststorey · 02/12/2013 17:49

Thanks for your kind words. I'm more devastated for him rather than the prospect of an unexpected grandchild if you see what I mean. He thinks his life is over, that he'll never be able to provide for the child as he would want to and that the baby deserves a loving home with two parents in a stable relationship.

I do think it's very unreasonable of her to not even discuss the situation with him. He's told her that he'd love to have a baby with her, but the time is not right at the moment. She says it's up to her and won't discuss it any further. I have to bear in mind that this is the possible mother of my future grandchild and say nothing. That's whats so difficult.

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ElephantsAndMiasmas · 02/12/2013 18:01

I know this is incredibly hard for you and your son, but it is even harder for the pregnant girl. Presumably she had her own ideas about what she would like to spend her twenties doing, that didn't necessarily include swelling up like a balloon and then caring for a tiny baby. She now has a huge decision to make (incurring "the blame" whichever way she chooses) followed by either pregnancy or the stress of an abortion. Try to have some compassion.

"I do think it's very unreasonable of her to not even discuss the situation with him." Have they not discussed it then? Surely they must have before they went to docs etc? Do you mean "it's unfair of her to change her mind re: abortion"? I expect she needs some time to think, and maybe he is (not unreasonably) very pro abortion and she's finding it pressuring and upsetting?

It's clear that they're both in turmoil over this, please try to be the calm one and realise that there's plenty of time to change their minds forward and back, before making the right decision for them.

TallGiraffe · 02/12/2013 18:06

Just to add, two of my closest friends got pregnant at uni (21), they are amazing parents and have good careers so it an be done. Money was tough for a while, but they didn't have any parents around to help.

AuntieStella · 02/12/2013 18:09

I agree; even with the previous form for an on/off relationship, the current split could well be a sign of turmoil rather than a settled decision.

They will need to reach a settled situation though - on/off just isn't good if there is a child involved. You have to stay calm, be a rock for your DS, and encourage him to do whatever is necessary to reach those decisions.

cathpip · 02/12/2013 18:09

My dh had a child when he was 22, he and the mother split up but kept things amicable for the child's sake. Dss has just had his 18th birthday, he is a lovely young man who sees us and his step siblings (4 and 2, and one on way) every 6 weeks for the weekend. It is safe to say that dh did feel that his life was over, he was just about to finish uni and start a job earning good money and he had his whole life ahead of him and social life to look forward too. Dss was a mistake and as much as dh loved him he did resent him in, esp in the early years. Since getting married and having our own children it has made dh realise what he has missed out on, but he was not ready at 22 to become a dad, these things do have a way of working themselves out, even if it involves a very gentle approach.

LynetteScavo · 02/12/2013 18:13

I'd be straight on the phone to her parents, if she won't talk to you.

Santawenttoaldi · 02/12/2013 18:19

Why ????she's an adult if I was the girl I'd be furious for getting involved with her parents and withdraw completely

ClaimedByMe · 02/12/2013 18:20

They are 21 not children, step back and support your son and the woman.

Oldeststorey · 02/12/2013 18:22

Of course I feel for the girl, I have told my son in no uncertain terms that he is not to try and influence her decision, just to tell her honestly how he feels. They did talk about it last week of course, but she (not unreasonably) has now changed her mind, and since then will not talk to him, I'm sure she thinks he will try and 'talk her round'. She is getting a huge amount of support from her own family by the way.

I already have a little grandson who I love with all my heart, and of course I'd love the new baby just the same.

I'm in my 60s so have seen enough of life to know that things do generally work out in the end - thanks for your replies, I know it's just a matter of holding on and seeing what happens next. It's very helpful reading of others who have experience of this situation.

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LynetteScavo · 02/12/2013 18:36

Santawenttoaldi -My mother was straight on the phone to the other possible future grandparents whenever she found out a baby was due. You cna't stick your head in teh sand about these things.

AuntySib · 02/12/2013 18:39

I think it might be worthwhile him writing her a letter, just to say that although it's not the best timing, that of course he'll do everything possible to support her and the baby, and that if she does go ahead and have the baby, he definitely wants to be involved.

She may only have heard him say that he was in favour of termination and have blocked out anything else he said afterwards. It's early days and she's probably hormonal, frightened and not wanting any more pressure.
If there's still no response from her after a few weeks, then you might want to try again yourself, to reassure her that you are all supportive, and that whatever happens between her and your son, you will be a part of the baby's life.

It must be so hard for you to see your son so devastated, but it sounds as if you are setting the right tone. Hugs to you x

IThoughtThat · 02/12/2013 18:40

I really feel sorry for everyone in this situation. I hope it all works out ok. I can see that it must be devastating for your son but there isn't much he can do now other than let the girlfriend that he will support her.
Perhaps he could write her a letter, spelling out his 'good' intentions.

My boys are adults now but I still tell them to wear condoms unless they are prepared to be Dads.

Oldeststorey · 03/12/2013 07:47

Again, thanks for your replies. They did talk last night by text - he wanted to meet her to talk properly but she wouldn't do so. He's told her many times that he respects her decision and will support her as best as he can but each time she replied that all he wants to do is get rid of it, which he has never said. I think it was such an emotional day for them both they ended up going round in circles and it didn't end well.

Let's hope today will be a little better for them both (and me)

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Oldeststorey · 06/12/2013 20:41

Do you know, it's amazing how quickly I've come to terms with the situation. From blind panic to acceptance in less than a week. What's done is done, and he will face up to his responsibilities and I'm proud of him for doing so. They are definitely keeping the baby and I'm sure that with our help and the help of her parents, the baby will have all it needs. They will have to grow up fast but they'll be ok.

If any other mother is in the same situation as I am, I'd love to hear from you. It would be nice to have and give some support over the next 8 months or so.

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moominleigh94 · 08/12/2013 10:32

I can't give you it from another mum's perspective, but I can give you it from a viewpoint probably quite similar to your son's gf.

Boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, I'm now 20 weeks pregnant. When we told his family, they were fine with it - they said as long as we were happy, they were happy. Boyfriend was happy, I wasn't so sure - thought everything was over as I'm at uni, got a good social life, great friends etc.

Told my parents and they told me I should have an abortion. At that point I wanted to leave - we went to the student house we share with our friends and stayed there. I didn't want to speak to either set of parents - even though my boyfriend's family had been supportive, I wanted to be far away from anything that reminded me I was pregnant while I tried to deal with it, and I pushed my boyfriend away too. I knew how much he wanted to keep it, and although he promised me he'd stick by me no matter what, I couldn't quite believe that it was true. I felt like I was trapped and I didn't want to speak to anyone about it.

People from both sides kept trying to get in touch with me, but save for letting them know essentially that I was still alive, I didn't want to talk to anyone from back home. That may be why the gf was so reluctant to talk to any of you about it, including your son - I didn't want to talk to my boyfriend, because I was sure he'd try and convince me to keep it, and I didn't want to be swayed - I wanted to have time to come to my own opinion.

Eventually, everything has settled down. We've both spoken to my parents, and everything is really back to how it used to be - except that we're closer now, because they consider my boyfriend family too, whereas they never used to. They can't wait to become grandparents and keep telling everyone how excited they are - and I know now that their reaction was one of shock, rather than anger - they'd always assumed that if I got pregnant young, I'd have an abortion. I'd assumed that too, but it isn't that simple when you realise that it's going to be your child - suddenly I realised that I'd probably never overcome the guilt if I had an abortion, and that I'd (wrongly) blame my parents - and I didn't want our relationship to be destroyed forever.

Things are going to be tough for us, and my boyfriend and I have had to grow up so quickly, and the toughest times are still ahead - I'm well aware of that - but I think the best thing we have right now is an amazing support network. There's no way we could do this without the love and support of our families - it's been an absolute godsend to us.

I know this has turned into an essay but I hope this provides some kind of comfort in that it may be an insight into the mindset of your son's gf, and maybe a little bit of proof that you're not alone.

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 08/12/2013 10:33

21... They are grown ups, it is all up to them.

Sympathy and support is all you can do.

moominleigh94 · 08/12/2013 10:45

Posted too soon; forgot to add that I'm 19.

Oldeststorey · 08/12/2013 19:40

Thank you so much for sharing your story mooninleigh94 . I wish you and your new family all the very best in the future. I'm sure everything will be fine and this time next year you'll be looking forward to a very special Christmas (though this ones special too of course with such an exciting year ahead)

You're so right about the shock of hearing such news. My son and his girlfriend had already known for over a week before I was told so they had got over the initial shock I guess. when he told me it threw me into a blind panic for a few days. Somehow I managed not to show it to him, and was able to be supportive from the moment he told me. Believe me, it really wasn't easy. Of course, once things settle down a little bit you understand it's certainly not the worst thing that could happen by any means.

I've been very careful not to give an opinion on what DS and GF decide to do, but keep telling them that I will support them whatever decision they come to. I think it's increasingly likely that they will keep the baby and understand that ultimately she is the one who has to live with that decision. Her parents made it clear they wanted her to keep the baby – they have already decided what names they want to be called although she is not even six weeks pregnant yet!

I think I'll find it's very hard if people criticise them for becoming parents at such a young age. She was on the pill and it failed - I can't believe that everyone who is on the pill also uses condoms as well just in case. They obviously didn't but I can't really see anyone is to 'blame'. It happens - they're not the first and they won't be the last.

I appreciate that they are 21 and as such are adults able to live their own lives, but when it's your child in such turmoil having to deal with a such life changing situation, of course you want to be there for them and help all you can.

For what it's worth, I was 22 when I had my first baby. However that was 40 years ago, and times have changed a lot since then. It was almost the norm to have babies so young in those days. I don't regret having any of my children of course but there's no denying it's difficult when you are so young yourself, though there are advantages, not least that your energy levels are so much higher!

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moominleigh94 · 08/12/2013 20:59

No worries, and I wish the very same to you and your family :)

We were the same - we knew for a week before telling my parents, and I think the fact that we had sort of come to terms with the shock was even more difficult for my parents to deal with than if I'd gone to them crying and begging for forgiveness.

I'll be honest now and say they probably will face criticism - or, at the very least, awkward questions that people expect them to answer - but the important thing is that they have every right to say "none of your business" - people think it's fine to ask us if it was planned, if we used protection etc - but my policy is that unless I'd have invited them into the bedroom to observe, they have no need or right to know that information unless I choose to tell them. Keeping that in mind has kept me sane

It'll be so beneficial to them if they're aware you feel, as you say, that no-one's to blame - my dad got very "daddy's little girl" and blamed my boyfriend, and wouldn't listen to me when I told him it was half my "fault"! This was one of the hardest things to deal with as it created a divide between my bf and I - the last thing we needed after finding out we're having a child together.

Don't think of it as a stop sign for them - think of it as (literally!) a speed bump. Knowing I felt that way was something that really helped my parents, who'd thought I'd just throw my future away for it.

You sound like you're all coping amazingly, and I'm sure your son and his girlfriend appreciate it.

Oldeststorey · 08/12/2013 21:13

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a lovely reply to me, I really do appreciate it. It's so helpful having your viewpoint, and gives me confidence that I'm doing ok with the way I'm handling things.

I think its very important that everyone in these situations realises they have done nothing wrong. What's done is done and now we look for the positives (of which there are many as you'll agree)

They are not going to tell anyone yet, it's very early days and they want to get Christmas over with first without all the inevitable gossip.

If you don't mind me saying so, I think you're a real credit to your family and they should (and I'm sure are) be very proud of you.

I'd love to hear how you get on over the next months if you feel like letting me know.

Happy Christmas

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Maria33 · 15/12/2013 19:26

I got pregnant with dd1 at 23. It was life changing and hard in places. 15 years on we are still together with 3 dcs, stable careers and a lovely house.

It was (is) tough in places but family support would have helped hugely. My family (particularly) were very difficult and it caused a lot if damage to my relationship with them.

You sound great. At 21 you are an adult, enormously and boundlessly energetic (what sleep deprivation?), imaginative and resourceful (whole body painting with three naked toddlers is something I'd never have experimented with in my 30s)and there's something very special about still being so in touch with your childhood while raising your children!

It does make you grow up fast and I do mourn the twenties I might have had but what I have now is pretty wonderful and it's easy to lament the road not taken!

Good luck and as John Lennon said, "Life's what happens when you're busy making other plans!"

Being a young grandparent is great! Congratulations

mathanxiety · 15/12/2013 20:16

Wishing you all the best.

I am wondering if your DS was pushing more for an abortion than he will admit though, especially since he is now so candid with you about his life being over - and I wonder if he said anything along those lines to the GF, which would be a very self centered way to look at things, given that she will bear the actual baby and all that entails. It would explain how she is now feeling so very alienated from him. So would feelings like those described by Moominleigh of course...

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