DH Not Wanting Anymore Children

[Malibugirl]

Hi, Im new here, but thought I would just see if anyone is going or has gone through a similar situation to me.

I have been with DH for 6 years and we just got married 2 months ago. DH has 3 children from a previous relationship (they weren't married) DSS - 20, DSS - 11 and DSD - 10. I have always had a reasonably amicable relationship with them, although BM has not been the best person and has done her best to try and make the kids (especially DSD) not like me. I dont understand why as I actually met DH when they had already been seperated for 3 years so had no play in the breakdown of their relationship. I have loved and treated those kids as though they were my own, but even after 6 years I still get no respect, no politeness or even civility from them.

I made it clear within a couple of months of meeting DH that I wanted a child of my own and he always said that one day we would. However, over the last 3 years or so, it has become apparent that he doesn't really want anymore children, as he worries that his youngest DSS (who is a daddys boy) would be jelouse. We live nearly 200 miles from the children due to DH's job. He says he would feel guilty having another baby that he would see every day when he only sees his kids once a month (due to the distance and cost of petrol). I feel terribly let down by him as it was not my fault he moved away from his kids. He moved away 2 years before he met me so I had no part in his moving.

I have even said that I am prepared to give up my family and job and move closer to his children if that is what it takes, but he doesn't want to as he knows he wont get such a well paid job where they live.

Has anyone else experienced problems like this where DH / DP has not wanted another child for fear of making his children jelouse? I am not sure if BM has had a say in this aswell, or whether she has threatened him reduced time with his kids if he has anymore. She has threatened him before about other things, so it wouldn't surprise me, but I dont want to blame her if she hasn't done anything wrong.

What do I do, do I just accept the fact I am destined not to have a child of my own (I am 37 and DH is 42 by the way) or do I give up my DH and stepchildren to have a family of my own?

[ELR]

im sorry to say but maybe you shouldnt have married him if this is how you feel, i could not not have had my children it is the best thing in the world.
Sorry that may make you feel worse but just being honest

[Malibugirl]

No problem ELR, I appreciate your honesty. I honestly wouldn't have married DH had he been honest with me before. He always (up until a few weeks ago) said we would have a baby one day.

Its just now all of a sudden, hes digging his heels in and saying he doesn't think hes ready for anymore and that it wouldn't be fair on DSS!

Ive been honest from day one that I wanted kids and I just dont know if I can now live with someone who I feel has led me into believing we would have our own family one day.

[TurkeyLurkey]

Really sorry you are in this situation. Have you actually sat down and told him how you feel? Is it a definite 'No' from him or are you pre-empting what you think he'll say?

[MissingMyHeels]

I also wouldn't have missed out on having a child for anyone. You're not destined to be childless, you just either need your DH to realise that this is a deal breaker for you or if it is that uimportant move on and find someone who shares the same goals as you.

You poor thing, not a nice situation at all, what a horrible thing to be misled on

[Quattrocento]

I really feel for second wives. There are so many threads that you read on here talking about stuff like reducing child support to first families because the second family is worse off than the first.

Mind you I really feel for first families too.

Can you talk to your DH and see if there is any prospect of him changing his mind?

[Malibugirl]

Thanks TurkeyLurkey. I have told him how I feel, he knows how desperately I want a child but he doesn't really understand. Then I get upset or angry and he then throws it back in my face and says "well do you blame me not wanting a kid with you when you get like that?"

I think he feels that at 42, hes done his kids thing and now wants to live a bit and have holidays etc. However, I have done the holiday thing and now want to settle down.

I get the impression that he wants me to be a stepmum but not a mum iykwim? Hes more than happy for me to do everything for his kids when they are with us and I think he feels he will have to take the reign and start doing some of that if I have a baby of my own.

Its really hard to explain, but the long and short of it is he has been promising me that we would have a baby one day and now he is retracting that promise. So what can I do?

[frankiesbestfriend]

I think your dh has married you under false pretences. He knew you wanted children and he accepted that when he married you.

He also went on to have a further child with the BM after his ds was born, so clearly jealousy was not a factor then.

In 7 years his son will be an adult so potential jealousy will no longer be a factor, however it could be too late for you then.

It's unfair on you, and his reasons seem pretty flimsy to me. Is this issue of jealousy really the only problem? Or could he have cold feet due to something else?

If you stay childless you will blame him and resentment will take over since it's clear you really want a child.

Choosing not to have a baby could be a decision you regret forever.

[Malibugirl]

Thanks MMH and Quattrocento. It really isn't a nice situation to be in. I know that if I just happened to get pregnant he wouldn't make me get rid of it or anything like that, hes not that much of an ogre (not that I would deliberately get pregnant, I believe a child should be planned), but I would imagine the relationship would be strained and I worry that he might treat our child different to his other children which would really upset me.

It would also upset me if DSS did get jelouse. I wouldn't want to upset him either, none of this is the kids fault afterall. However, what do other people do when they have second families?

[Malibugirl]

Thanks FBF, it certainly does feel like that. I think the jelousy factor is not so much to do with having another child as like you rightly said, he had another after DSS. Its more to do with the fact they live 200 miles away and we only see them once a month, whereas he would see a new baby every day. That is where I think the jelousy would come in to it.

[TurkeyLurkey]

Thats so hard. As Frankiesbestfriend says if you decide to remain childless it may eat at you and destroy your relationship in any case.

Whatever his reasons, if it seems that he really doesn't want more children then you can't force him. I suppose ultimately you have to make the choice to stay or go.

Really feel for you

(FWIW my ex was like this, 2 kids from a previous marriage and dead against any more. I left him as I knew I could not have a future with someone who did not want children with me..that was 12 years ago though when I was a sprightly young thing and we weren't married so slightly different to you).

[expatinscotland]

I divorced my ex husband because he didn't want any children.

The difference was that I was 28 when we split and 30 when we divorced, so had time on my side.

We tried counselling, but he didn't want children. Ever.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but a deal's a deal and he renegged.

See a counsellor on your own and give him a 6 month time limit for relationship counselling.

After that, if he still won't budge, you're either oging to have to resign yourself to not having kids or split up.

[Malibugirl]

Thanks TurkeyLurkey. Yes I think it may destroy our relationship. Mainly because (and I hate myself for saying this) I fear it is going to make me resent his children as time goes on. I know it is not their fault and I shouldn't feel that way, but when you have had a dream taken away from you it can make you a little bitter. I perhaps wouldn't feel so bad if I got a bit of respect and maybe even friendship from DSC but I dont and that makes me want a baby of my own who would love me, even more!

[TurkeyLurkey]

Yes Expat I had time on my side too, I was only 27 (those were the days.....)

[TurkeyLurkey]

Totally understand where you are coming from re resentment..Expat gives good advice re counsellor and 6 month limit.

[expatinscotland]

with me and my ex, we were so immature when we married we didn't really discuss the future at all. very foolish, but kids were one of those 'in the future' things.

so it wasn't like he ever said one way or another, not did i.

but the OPs situation is a bit different. she probably wouldn't have married him had he said he didn't want any more kids.

[Malibugirl]

Thanks Expat. Yeah the age thing is really the bitter point. I suffered a miscarriage a few years ago too (with my ex) after having cancerous cells removed from my cervix and a "botched up" operation, which caused a serious infection and I have since been told that I could even be infertile! So even if we did try, he knows that it may take some time to succeed!

I cant see that he would be that interested in still having a baby when DSS is 18 in 7 years time as DH will then be nearly 50!

[expatinscotland]

I'd go to counselling both on my own and with him if he's willing.

For me it helped me make peace with whatever decision there was to make when the time came.

[Malibugirl]

Thanks Jammi, it sounds like it could be possible to work things out, if your example is anything to go by. I will try, but DH is stubborn and sometimes when he is pushed he will dig his heels in anymore. I dont think I have anything to lose though now!

Thanks Expat, I will think about seeing a councellor and the 6 month limit. Like I said above, I dont really have much to lose and everything to gain!

Yes being a second family is so hard and I know that if we had a baby it would be much better for me. I know it would make me feel totally complete.

[expatinscotland]

It is possible to work things out. In our case it wasn't, but others have done so.

Hope it works for you, too!

[Malibugirl]

Thanks expat. Im a bit too soft I think. I do so much for DH and his kids and have always changed my life and expectations for things he has / they have wanted to do. The one time I actually try to stand my ground and really want something so badly, he cant even do that. He knows how miserable I am and knows how happy a baby of my own would make me, but it makes me wonder if he wants me to be happy.

[Brangelina]

I had exactly the same situation as you, I was the same age, had initally been promised etc. subsequently to be told it wouldn't be fair on his DS. Like Jammi I issued him an ultimatum, either we have one of our own or I would leave, especially as I was beginning to really resent his ds. DP now adores his DD, as does stepson. No jealousy whatsoever. Stepson was the same age as yours when DD was born.

My only gripe now is that he doesn't want a second as he already has one of each and is "sorted". I appreciate I am extremely lucky to have DD, but I still feel DP is holding back because of the situation, had he not had a previous child I'm sure we'd have had more.

Sacrificing your fertility for someone else is really not worth it, at this stage such a decision will be permanent and you will end up resenting him and his children and probably leave anyway. I think you should give him a little nudge now, he reneged on his word so an ultimatum on your part is not out of order at all.

[Malibugirl]

Thanks Brangelina. It is comforting to see that other people have been in a similar situation but have got through it. The main issue here is not so much the jelousy thing it is the distance thing. Does your DSS see your DP / DD regularly? My DSS only sees us and would only see our child once a month. I think this is where the issue lies. If we lived closer then I dont think DH would have a problem to be honest.