When your DSC stay with you do they bring what they need with them?

[purplelollypop]

Or do you have it all there for them? And if childcare is needed on those days (after school care) do you pay for it or their DM?

[purplelollypop]

Forgot to mention this is a situation where DP is paying 25% of his net pay to their DM.

[BananaPudding]

My dad bought all needed toiletries, crafty things, toys and games etc. And we kept them at his house, we only brought a bag of clothes each weekend. He paid all childcare costs for afterschool care for my younger sister, so weekend was no different. Mom told me last year that he gave her a third of his take home pay (three children). I think that he treated her really well.

Sister is disabled and still depends entirely on mom at 24 so dad still pays support.

[colditz]

If childcare is needed on the days where your dp has parental responsibility, then he pays it. It's not 'Parental responsibilty until it's time for someone to get paid' is it?

As for havuing what they need, well it depends what they need, and how much space you have. If you have the space they should have their own store of things at your house.

[purplelollypop]

The problem is we're really struggling to pay for everything and see DSC as much as possible. We used to have a system where we were having them about 50% and DP paid for all childcare, clothes, school trips etc. Now we're giving her a lot of money and she's mucking about with when we can see them. When she has childcare problems (or wants to leave the country for business/ pleasure) she asks us to have them and we always have and have paid for any childcare costs. We don't want to refuse to have them but I don't know if we can afford it. Just wondering what other people do.

[tigereyes1817]

We pay for everything that they need whilst in our care. The only thing the children bring with them are their going home clothes. they have everything in thier bedrooms.

We pay CSA and Ex said she also wanted money for trips and childcare plus extras but we simply can not afford it as our own children do not have most of what DSC have and get. Also we have been done before for for the school trips with her saying she needed £xx amount of money for DSC school trip and we paid it as usual not wanting the children to miss out. But then found out that it was half the price what we paid and DSC didn't go anyway. So NO way will fall for that one again.

We have regular contact with the school so anything that is needed we go direct through the school.

But we would not pay for child care when the DSC were not in our care as well as pay CSA.

I'd get a court order sorted ASAP and ask the children what they want. Obviously if DP ex is flitting off into the sunset on business or pleasure then she is obviously not on benefits so why don't you try a private arrangement with regards to maintance which could include childcare cost for her but so that it is less for you to folk out in the long run.
Hope you get something sorted.

[BrownSuga]

we have clothes at our house, a few toys (she's outgrown toys really). and usual bedroom things. dh wants to get her a new bike, but as she's only with us 2 weekends a month and GP's 1 weekend a month, saw little sense unless she could take it home with her as well. he must be thinking about it as new bike hasn't materialised yet. childcare for us fortunately is free with PIL, they also do free childcare when her DM has/is supposed to have her. she also has LOADS of clothes and toys at PIL.

i think it depends on how often/long you have dsc's for. for us it doesn't really make sense for her to drag a bag for the 3 weekends esp as she is picked up from school. on the other hand, don't want to have too much stuff here else she'll grow out of it without it having much use. it's a fine balance.

we don't pay for anything else, maintenance and that's it, but they may change as circumstances change, or needs change as she gets older.

[Anna8888]

They bring clothes though they have some clothes (mostly t-shirts) they leave here. Otherwise they have their own bedroom and bathroom here and it's fully decorated and equipped and they have books and toys here.

Childcare is a difficult one. Personally I think that contact time and childcare should not be confused ie resident parents should not be sending their children off to non-resident parents because they have work/social commitments. But I can see that there are situations where financially that is the only viable option.

Yes, if your stepchildren are staying with you because their mother is working or has a social engagement, she should of course be paying for any childcare you require while you are out at work.

[purplelollypop]

Apparantly she is on benefits. It's all very suspect though. She has a car worth 17k and her own business. Anyway we are going to court, hopefully DP will become main carer. But in the mean time we're just trying to work out what we can ask her to pay for.
At the moment they have their own room with absolutly everything they need here. They go back to their DM's in decent clothes, coats etc and we get them back they are wearing clothes that are either completly inappropriate (shorts last week!) or clothes that just need throwing away. The financial implications of this is that we're loosing an outfit on at least a weekly basis. Not sure if we can really ask her to provide clothing for when they are here though.

[bozza]

Can't you send them back in what they come in. But have them wear clothes you provide all weekend?

[Anna8888]

Can't you just return them in the clothing they arrived in? We have t-shirts and other nice stuff we have bought the boys and we insist on it living here as otherwise it disappears into a black hole and they turn up in old stuff.

[Anna8888]

We also insist that toys don't move house. The only exception is books, as we really, really want to encourage reading and buy them lots of books and if they want to carry on reading them, that's OK. But they still seem to disappear into a black hole.

[purplelollypop]

Not sure we can do that. I think it's actually neglect for them to wear these clothes. Most of the time we collect them / drop them off at school so it would mean them wearing them all day at school (again). We also have this idea that they will get out of circulation and she will have no choice but to return them to us in suitable clothing. But there seems to be an endless supply of unsuitable clothing!

[Anna8888]

You mean you pick them up after school midweek, they spend the night with you and then return to school the next morning?

That's not great... we have negotiated hard with ex-wife to end that arrangement.

[scorpio1]

Dss DM sends his clothes, shoes and coat down and thats it. We continue to pay her money even when hes with us as we dont wish to default. We travel 400 miles round trip and pay the fuel costs. I go to uni, so when childcare is needed we pay-he only needs it because he is with us, iyswim? we also pay for him to come on holiday with us with no contribution from her and we pay activities, etc too.

maybe you could buy some appropriate clothing for your dsc that is cheaper-from say george at asda if you dont have much to spend? I know it can be sad to see what they have sometimes, as we have often had to replace shoes etc-but he needs it, so we do it.

[SuperMonkey]

How old are they? When my DSCs were younger we used to have them bathed and ready for bed and sent them home in pyjamas. We had the same problem with clothes, ie our nice ones never came back again or, if they did, they were ruined (white t-shirt in a dark wash etc).

[purplelollypop]

What is it you don't like about that? Usually (well, in the past anyway) we'd have them for a few days during the week, rarely for just one night but it's not really a problem for us. It's all quite eratic now!

[Anna8888]

Overnighters are too short for anything much to happen and they are very tiring for the children.

How do the children deal with erratic contact? How do you deal with it?

[jaynehater]

We had the clothes thing, and bought a store of cheap and cheerful fleeces, leggings, t's from Tesco and Asda, and sent DSD home in them if she'd arrived in something inappropriate, and just accepted that the cheaper clothes were going to commute to her home more often than not, but the decent stuff stayed.

You sound like you're being kind and loving to them though, that's the main thing. I must admit, I hated DSD being a 'carrier bag kid' - she used to bring clothes initially, and it felt wrong to see her trudging down the path with her weekend's clothes in a Tesco bag. I think clothes at your home makes it feel like home.


Hope it works out for you xx

[purplelollypop]

DSC are coping but it's by no way an ideal situation. That's why we're taking it to court.

[purplelollypop]

I agree jayne. That's why we've never got them to bring their own clothes before. We want them to feel that this is their home, not just somewhere they stay sometimes.

[Anna8888]

Sounds like a good idea to take it to court and get a clear arrangement.

IMO (but obviously I don't know anything about your circumstances) it's much nicer when stepchildren stay for a few nights at a time. It's much more like "real life" that way. And I'm a stickler for routine - otherwise your life starts getting ruled by stepchildren's movements which does nothing for family harmony, even when it is entirely not their fault.

[Anna8888]

My stepchildren always have a proper suitcase (on wheels), properly packed... I think they need their own clothes to feel themselves.

[purplelollypop]

I like the idea of having a stash of cheap asda clothes to put on them when they leave here. Think that's the way forward for the time being!

[scorpio1]

mine has a special bag that he uses just to come here.

[purplelollypop]

Yes, that is a better arrangement Anna. DP is actually going to try to become main carer or at least restore the old arrangement of having them for 50% of the time.