DCs activities at the weekends

(68 Posts)
nothingtoaddhere Wed 27-Jul-16 16:59:27

Just wanted a general consensus as to how to move forward. Not going to try and do a reverse or anything clever.

If you're a nrp/step parent, how do you feel if one of the children has a regular activity during your time? If you've had trouble resolving it what was the compromise?

I can't see what's fair anymore. confused

cannotlogin Wed 27-Jul-16 19:55:35

Depends. Has the child done the activity before the split?

Does the child want to do the activity?

Why should the child miss out - particularly when working in a team/towards medals/levels/badges/a show? Will progress be hindered?

Do you live within a reasonable distance of activity?

Why shouldn't both parents be involved in activities? Would the child not want to be supported by both?

Isn't time with the NRP meant to be a 'normal' time? Or are they viewed as visitors when everything stops and visitors stuff is done?

On balance, I suspect supporting the activity will usually be the most appropriate thing to do. But there will always be exceptions. What is the issue?

lookluv Wed 27-Jul-16 19:56:40

It is not "your" time.

This is about the child having as normal as relationship as possible with their NRP. That is not disney parenting but doing the normal activities that make up their life.

eg, swimming happens every saturday in our house, NRP wants them to be able to swim but on the few occasions he has had them at the weekend then says it is too much effort to take them - fine for me to haul ass out of bed every saturday for 0900!

The only person who suffers is the kid, they are known as unreliable in any team event, fall down the pecking order of selection. If they enjoy it and want to do it, why should the NRP deny them that activity.

deVelvet Wed 27-Jul-16 20:04:41

Whatever the commitments the dc have should be honoured by the person who is responsible for them at that time

nothingtoaddhere Wed 27-Jul-16 20:43:15

I'll try to answer questions honestly. I'm rp. Dd was a toddler when he left so she didn't do the activity pre-split. So imagine it's hockey (it's not!). I've taken her week in, week out. Now it's moving towards club level and there might be weekend competitions etc. Xh has made a right drama out of it. It's not a done deal, she's moving clubs and I honestly don't know what the new (more competitive club) will expect of her.

However having spoken to other parents, yes it's likely to crop up when she's with him. He's trying to guilt trip me into thinking it's not fair on her sisters (ones ours, one is his step child - he's the rp of her).

It sort of seems that weekends are sacred time that no activity can fall on, but we've got years of this haven't we? His wife doesn't think it's fair either.

nothingtoaddhere Wed 27-Jul-16 20:46:29

Dd definitely wants to do the activity. She puts the work in. Always practicing etc. Club is about 20 minutes from my home, about 1/2 an hour from his.

VimFuego101 Wed 27-Jul-16 20:46:41

He's being ridiculous. Part of parenting is taking your child to activities!

nothingtoaddhere Wed 27-Jul-16 20:48:45

I'm sure it's not relevant, but he moved further away.

Maybe83 Wed 27-Jul-16 20:48:55

My dd dad takes dd to her competitive sport as do depending on who she is with at the time. My dh did the same when his son was small. The reality is that most team sports or dance etc do have weekend commitments. I don't see why my dd should miss out on something she loves because I don't live with her dad. It's great bonding time for them as it is for me with her. She s so good she s moving into inter county level that's a huge achievement for her and wouldn't have happened if we both hadn't taken an interest in it for her.

I think both parents should be as involved in their children's interests as they can despite not living together.

nothingtoaddhere Wed 27-Jul-16 20:53:39

Maybe That's lovely to hear smile

Everytimeref Wed 27-Jul-16 21:03:05

Is it just competitions/games at weekends or will DD be expected to train at weekends as well?

We had a similar issue, when DSD wanted to join a drama club, there were two sessions available one Friday night and one on Saturday, DSD mum wanted her to do the one on Saturday because it was more convenient for mum. DH said no to the Saturday one as it would reduce the limited time he would have with daughter, but was happy with the Friday, which would have also impacted his contact time.
DSD mum refused to compromise so DSD never attended drama club.

WordGetsAround Wed 27-Jul-16 21:07:51

I think dealing with weekend clubs is real life parenting. Presumably you don't get annoyed that school interrupts your weekdays with your DC? He needs to step up.

SlightlyperturbedOwl Wed 27-Jul-16 21:11:25

My DSD is grown up now but we always facilitated activities for her where we could- as it was DSD who wanted to do them. Yes it's a pain sometimes but it's actually still a pain now to get our DSs to their activities sometimes when both parents are still together.

nothingtoaddhere Wed 27-Jul-16 21:12:07

That's for replies

DH said no to the Saturday one as it would reduce the limited time he would have with daughter

That's what DDs dad says confused

But what is it that replaces it? What's on offer that's better?

I'm genuinely trying to understand as I hate feeling like this. Dd has a real talent. I feel like the bad guy whatever I do.

nothingtoaddhere Wed 27-Jul-16 21:18:57

Just to say her current club have allowed her to attend eow but that's about to stop.

So each weekend I have them (alternates). I've done it. I've turned out and supported her.

It's stepping up a gear and new club (quite rightly) won't allow it. So it's grinding to a halt.

43percentburnt Wed 27-Jul-16 21:21:02

He will find that as she gets older he gets dropped in favour of friends. Funnily her competing would probably mean this doesn't happen - dad would get to take her every other weekend, watch her compete, cheer her on and go out for lunch afterwards.

Sadly some people see contact time as their (the parents) time - not as time they spend parenting their child- activities, parties etc are just a normal part of parenting.

Glitterbug76 Wed 27-Jul-16 21:21:55

Hi I am step parent and have daughter, I know it seems like it's cutting into your time but ... My dsd is 15 now and we always tried do something really special when she came however like another poster said weekend activities are normality and I do remember it was the normal things like having a Sunday lunch with us she enjoyed the most or bike ride. I defiantly think that what ever club or activity that's done with her mum should be continued when with you just my opinion and the same went with if her mum had to pull her up on something dsd would say well it doesn't matter I will get what I want at dads !!! But we always worked with her mum so it isn't a holiday Camp here xx

nothingtoaddhere Wed 27-Jul-16 21:23:01

Thanks glitter but I am the mum smile

Everytimeref Wed 27-Jul-16 21:38:18

The Friday night one as it would have had less impact on him doing things with her. The activity would have been in the middle of the Saturday afternoon and stop him doing anything on the only whole day he spends with daughter. He plans at least one activity such as bike rides or cinema each Saturday. Mum wanted the Saturday session because her mate would have been able to take daughter and would have had no impact on the mum, whereas the Friday session would have meant her having to take her daughter every other week.

Are you sure the new club wouldn't show some flexibility as your daughter cant be the only child that has separated parents.

nothingtoaddhere Wed 27-Jul-16 21:41:43

Thanks for replying.

Definitely no flexibility. It's a big step up. I did outline the issue to the club captain over the phone today. He sounded a bit scary to be honest. I even said 'weekends are likely to be a problem so I don't want to switch clubs and then let everyone down'.

He just told me what I already thought 'this level takes commitment etc it would be the same as any sport...'

Emeralda Wed 27-Jul-16 21:44:12

What age is DD? Is there any way she could get there herself? Not that she should have to, but I'm just looking for ways round it. I can see both sides. Weekend activities can have an impact on the entire household so what suits in one house might not suit another. it sounds like he might be being awkward for the sake of it. His wife's opinion doesn't really matter.
In our house, dsd does 3 different activities at the weekend and we facilitate all of them. It's a bit limiting as it means we can't take her away at the weekend but that's just the way it is. Luckily, all activities are local, accessible and fit in with work commitments etc. In contrast, we think she is about to start another activity on the weeknight she is with us, which doesn't suit at all in terms of timing or location. I don't know yet how we're going to manage it. More local options are available.
If appropriate, has DD told her dad how much she wants to do it? Would his response to her be different to his response to you?
Good luck.

Glitterbug76 Wed 27-Jul-16 21:47:15

Sorry nothing to ad !! I am reading the thread off my phone and it's tiny and I'm still trying get used to lingo !! So if any one wants do a thread with all the abbreviations !! Just about worked out Dh Dc an dd 😀

nothingtoaddhere Wed 27-Jul-16 21:54:08

Thankyou. Dd is 9. Absolutely no way she could get there herself or have anyone else take her.

I wouldn't ask her to explain to her dad how much it means. He should bloody know anyway - it's all she talks about!

Everytimeref Wed 27-Jul-16 21:59:41

My daughter took up a new sport recently, we had a long discussion, before she started because we knew it would have a big impact on the whole family including the DSC's,

Luckily the sport is flexible and my daughter understands that sometimes she has to miss it because we want to do something as a whole family. My DSS has also taken up a new sport which impacts on contact but as ex discussed it with us we are happy to help facilitate this.

If the drama club had been at a slightly different time and not in such an inconvenient place, then I am sure we would have agreed to the Saturday, but as a different time and a much more convenient place was available don't think it was unreasonable to say no.

Glitterbug76 Wed 27-Jul-16 22:03:32

tbh if it's what she wants to do I don't know how he can disagree or stop it unless he doesn't take her where she is at an age where she can make her wishes and choices known and the reasons for them if he's not carful she will choose not to go x

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