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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Personal boundaries

91 replies

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 17/04/2015 21:33

So I go to my room and dsd is on my bed on her phone. She shares a room with her brother and he is watching a film so she's been kicked out the room.

I asked her to go out so I could get changed for bed. Which she did. But I had just taken off my pants and she walked back in to pick up her bobble. I was mid change. I'm really angry because she knew what I was doing and it could have waited. I want dp to have a word with her and ask her to knock before entering our room. Is this too much to ask?

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alwaystryingtobeafriend · 17/04/2015 21:35

He thinks this is unreasonable.

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HermioneWeasley · 17/04/2015 21:36

Of course it's not unreasonable. She needs telling. Since she's using the phone unsupervised, I assume she's over 12

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alwaystryingtobeafriend · 17/04/2015 21:38

She is 11. I don't even like she is in the room but I can compromise on that. I'm actually fuming dp hasn't said anything to her. I'm more angry as she knew what I was doing. She could have waited a minute. And dp .... Well he just wants easy life.

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MeridianB · 17/04/2015 21:47

I'd say something myself if DH wouldn't. It's not on.

Our bedroom is completely off limits, unless of course it's an emergency or problem.

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HermioneWeasley · 17/04/2015 21:49

Our bedroom is off limits to my kids

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Noteventhebestdrummer · 17/04/2015 22:11

Just put a lock on the door, a simple hook and catch will do. You shouldn't have to but it gets the message across.

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Wdigin2this · 17/04/2015 23:35

Of course it's not too much to ask, you'd expect your own DC to give you this courtesy at 11 years old! I think she's testing your limits, she knew you were changing for bed, but she still walked in without knocking, do they live with you or is it an EW/EOW visit? I don't suppose she likes sharing with her brother, so perhaps she's displaying her displeasure by using your room uninvited! If DH won't speak to her, then you'll have to say quite clearly that a) your bedroom is off limits, or b) neither child renters your room without knocking and waiting to be invited...oh and I'd be putting that hook on the door too!

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thetroubleis · 17/04/2015 23:42

Put it as high as you possibly can...

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NameChange30 · 17/04/2015 23:52

How old is her brother? Why is he allowed to kick her out of their room when it's her room too?

YANBU to want privacy. I'd make your bedroom out of bounds and put a lock on the door. But it's a bit unfair if she cant even be in the bedroom she shares let alone have the privacy of her own room.

How often are they with you? Any way you could improve the sleeping arrangements? If not I think you will need to manage the sharing of their room quite carefully.

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alwaystryingtobeafriend · 17/04/2015 23:56

It's not ideal that they share. I can live with her being in my room she just plays on her phone. Im just more annoyed at the walking in. We have kids 7 nights out of14. X

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NameChange30 · 18/04/2015 00:00

Get a lock then so you can lock it when you want to get changed (or have privacy to do other things!)
Or you could have a rule that open door means they can come in, closed door means do not disturb or knock and wait for an answer before opening.
If they're with you half the time I do think it's worth thinking about whether you can improve the arrangements. At 11 I don't think I would've wanted to share with a brother half the time! (Although I realise there may be no choice.)

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alwaystryingtobeafriend · 18/04/2015 00:13

It would be great for kids to have their own room but we can't afford it just now. She has this at her mums. And her bro is 8. Normally she is in the room so he never get it. But tonight he was watching a DVD in the room. No reason she couldn't stay.

I'd prefer no kids in the room but like I say. Was more the privacy thing. X

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NameChange30 · 18/04/2015 00:21

Your posts are a bit inconsistent confusing, you said she got "kicked out" of her room and then said "no reason she couldn't stay" - which was it?
You also said you'd prefer her not to go into your room at all but then said you don't mind, apart from when you're getting changed.
It might help to decide exactly what your boundaries are and then communicate them to your partner and the kids.

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alwaystryingtobeafriend · 18/04/2015 00:33

Her brother asked her to get out. I seen no reason why she couldn't stay.

I also said early on that I'd rather she didn't use our room but I can compromise for the sake of an easy life. I don't like it but I know she needs space. And sharing with her brother isn't ideal.

Also pisses that dp doesn't see the problem or do anything about it.

Sorry for being confusing.

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NameChange30 · 18/04/2015 00:42

Thanks for explaining. Yes it does sound like your DP isn't helping, maybe you are more frustrated with him than with DSD? Could you have a chat with him and explain how you feel? It's good that you're willing to compromise, I think he needs to respect that and understand that you need some basic boundaries in place e.g. lock on door or knocking when door is closed.

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alwaystryingtobeafriend · 18/04/2015 00:49

Well exactly. It would maybe be different if they were my kids but they're not. I have had this conversation previously and he did mention to kids to knock/ ask to use our room. But it works for a week then nothing.

We have had a few bad weekends recently and I really don't want to rock the boat this weekend. So far wee all getting along. But it's about privacy and personal space. I think I need to ask dp to speak to the kids. X

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NataliaBaker · 18/04/2015 00:59

I feel a bit sorry for her really. She's only a kid. I bet even adults forget things sometimes if they are focused on something else. She genuinely might have forgotten what you were doing if her mind was on what she was going to do after she'd grabbed her bobble for example.

Get a lock for when you are in there and have a good think about what it must be like for her to have no personal space to call her own for 7 out of 14 days. It might make you a bit more charitable towards her.

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PinkGinny · 18/04/2015 01:03

You may well not appreciate this Always but you have signed up to share your house and life with two young children. My youngest is 8; eldest 15. They all still walk in on me; even if I say I am on the loo changing a tampon. I tell them to get out. They do it again and again and again. Sharing you house with children means you, on occasions, have little to no privacy. They just don't get it. it is nothing to do with disrespect or not caring for your feelings. they just don't get it. If at their mothers they walk around/in/what ever and where ever it just won't mean anything to them. I doubt an 11 year would have made the connection that you going to bed meant you had your knickers off.

That doesn't mean you can't get tell them to get to buggery. it means you are expecting too much from them to have of their own accord recognised that you saying please leave I am off to bed means that that would understand that you would be standing in the all together 2 mins later.

And you do need to find away to provide an 11 year old, moving into puberty, some personal space from her 11 year old brother.

Perhaps explain to her that as she would like some privacy to get changed etc. So would you.

But really it is not a big deal. At all.

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PinkGinny · 18/04/2015 01:04

There are so many mistakes in that post it makes almost no sense [arse]

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FireCanal · 18/04/2015 01:13

When I first staying at DP's house his DC were 12 and 15. The 15-yr-old avoided DP's bedroom like the plaque when I was there. The 12-yr-old, on the other hand, regularly just wandered in. I didn't ever make any kind of issue about it, just got clothes on and off quickly and if he came in first thing in the morning I did rapid duvet manoeuvres. Fortunately he never came in at a particularly unfortunate moment .

But, actually about a year later he just got it without anyone ever mentioning it, and he completely stopped coming in. I think its an age thing. When they get self-conscious about their own body they will realise they need to give you some privacy too, before that happens its an alien concept to them.

I'd just try to let it go and work round it for now, rather than make an issue of it. I suspect the problem will resolve itself before too long.

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alwaystryingtobeafriend · 18/04/2015 07:20

Pink ,- I appreciate your comments but I disagree. Dsd is 11. Her bro is 8. I fully understand that dsd needs her own space and privacy. Unfortunately we cannot provide seperate rooms for them both. So whilst I don't like the fact she is in my room I let it go because that's not the issue.

I wasn't going to bed - I was getting changed. And even if I was going to bed I sled her nicely to get out my room. But I was getting changed and said she can get back in once I was finished. Maybe she did forget what I was doing but she walked back in and there was me with my knickers off. I asked her what she was doing she knew I was changing. She just laughed and said getting her bobble.

Dsd likes her privacy I like mine. She gets hers I don't get mine. She is more than old enough to understand this.

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alwaystryingtobeafriend · 18/04/2015 07:23

Also my issue is that dp won't talk to dsd to say to knock etc. Not so much with dsd.

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Tryharder · 18/04/2015 07:49

It's irritating but not a big deal.

I'm not surprised your DH thinks you're unreasonable if you complain to him about every digression.

Just tell her not to barge in next time like you would if they were your own children.

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JeanSeberg · 18/04/2015 07:58

We have had a few bad weekends recently and I really don't want to rock the boat this weekend

But that's exactly what you are doing - over a bobble. And you had to get changed at that exact moment?

What was the reason for the bad weekends?

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BeaufortBelle · 18/04/2015 08:10

I agree with pinkginny.

If you really don't want her to see you with your pants off change so she can't. I get dressed/undressed so fast I don't think anyone would notice.

I do see it's hard though. We have always had a very "open" culture at home and it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if one of the children (they aren't children any more) saw me with my pants off or walked into the bathroom when I'm in the bath. In fact dd and I have had our greatest heart to hearts with me soakng and her perched on the loo (with the seat down!). However, mine are my children and share my dna and that stuff so it's hard to relate.

But, and it's taken me a while to get there. My own father left when I was 12 and I would never have been comfortable living like that along side my stepfather. I actually think it's a great credit to you that this young girl feels sufficiently comfortable around you to do what she did and I think you should celebrate her trust in you and nurture her in a way that never erodes it.

That probably made no sense at all but was meant to be helpful.