why oh why can't parents teach their children no to....

[2shoes]

stare?
dd has cp and is in a wheelchair. I get so fed up with little kids staring. don't mind the ones who are just curious. You can tell the difference and I usually speak to them . But fgs some of them nearly fall over they are staring so much. And if I make a comment the mum will say "well thy are only 4" or something a long those lines. no sorry or anything polite.
surely they are never too young to learn good manners.

[JollyRogerMamaG]

I told my DD it was not polite from an early age and she is fine now. Never stares. She will occasionally ask questions, but not in a rude way and I've never had a negative response from a parent to her questions.

[MamaMaiasaura]

Sorry but my ds is sometimes geniunely curious if a person is in a wheelchair or on crutches. He is not being rude in anyway, but his aunt is wheelchair bound and he draws comparison and even says 'oh mummy look they have a chair like aunty jo'. Then asks if Aunt Jo has had a chair since she was a child ..if a child.

I do feel a little embarrassed in case the childs parents think he is being rude but I also do feel it is right/fair to say 'Dont stare' as I dont think being disabled is anything to be ashamed of. My ds stares at people with different hats/clothes etc.

Altho now he is 6 he doesnt really stare at all and is very matter of fact and often doesnt even feel that it is any different iykwim. I think that is because I havent made it so.

[2shoes]

oh questions I like so does dd(epspecially the cute ones small kids ask) what I don't like is the embarressed lets drag my child away as if it's catching or blaming me for not liking the staring

[JollyRogerMamaG]

thats good to know 2shoes, I'm really pleased you said that.

[fattiemumma]

DS gets quite excited by wheelchairs, particularly the electric ones.

he will run up and talk to the person in them and ask lots of questions. its quite embarassing but usually the person (admitedly it is normally an adult) is really good about it, if not i explain that he has ASD.

he thinks they are like cars. he comes away telling me that he wants one like that so he can drive around.

[CristinaTheAstonishing]

My son is deaf and wears hearing aids. They are so much a part of him, he doesn't see it as a problem. Once he saw a child with an aid (and for the life of me I can't remember what kind it was, I could just make one up for the sake of it here, but I can't). Anyway, he said "Look, X has a problem, he wears Y". It was genuine curiosity. He didn't see himself as deaf and with a problem and wearing an aid, but saw X in that situation. He would have been 4 or so at the time.

[ghosty]

2shoes ... I had a conversation with my DS just the other day about this (he is nearly 7). We were at a butterfly park/petting farm/trainride with cafe place and when we were paying to go in a young girl in a wheelchair came in with her grandparents. I turned to her and smiled and saw she had a dolly in a front pack on her tummy. I chatted to her about her doll and how safe she looked there and although she couldn't talk we had a great 'chat' IYSWIM? Anyway, throughout the morning we kept passing eachother and I would say hello and she kept stopping her wheelchair to talk to me. So when we all went for the train ride the train was FULL of a kids' party. All those children literally stopped in their tracks and craned their necks to stare at the girl in the wheelchair. I felt really cross about this ... DS had been curious but as far as I could tell he wasn't staring ... we had a long chat about how he would feel if everywhere he went he was stared at ... so in the end he was staring at the kids staring ... and tutting loudly.
My parents had a friend in a wheelchair who sadly passed away a few years ago and I remember very clearly from my childhood how he would get angry when people talked to whoever was pushing him rather than him (He would say, "I am in a wheelchair, I'm NOT DEAF!") ... this has stuck with me all my life and feel it is very important that parents teach this to their children ....
The grandfather of the girl the other day told me that it isn't very often that people talk to her first before acknowledging him or just staring. I feel that without making too much of an issue of it I hope my DS and DD will follow my actions .... rather than me saying "Don't stare" ...

Sorry, total ramble .... hope it makes sense.

[2shoes]

thats a lovely post ghosty
i just sometimes feel so bad for dd she is such a lovely friendly girl and loves what I call "walking talking children" she would have loved fatimams son as sounds like he would have given her attention.
a lot of parents just don't seem to care and it just winds me up(and ds) we get it from adults as well but put that down to them being idiots lol

[colditz]

Ds1 gawps at wheelchairs, he is three, but you would have to spend a day with him to notice it is the wheelchair he is gawping at. He is fascinated by them. He doesn't ask questions because he is not that verbal, and he is tall, so there might be your gawping 4 year old who's mother is trying to drag him away because she is late for a speech therapy appointment.

But FWIW I know what you mean, I hate it when older children start a conversation with ds1, don't understand his answer, and say something like "He can't talk, why can't he talk, what's wrong with him?" Er, he is right here, he can hear you and I would raTHER YOU SHUT YOUR BRATTY HOLE!!!

so I see your point too

[MamaMaiasaura]

2shoes - thing that really annoys me is the adults who stare in a rude way iykwim and whisper or avert their eyes.

How old is your dd?

[2shoes]

she is 11
ds who is 14 gets really pissed off(no nice words for how he feels)
But is funny when we were on holiday and this man was staring at her he just said"she's too young for you" really londly
we all lol
so I copy him a bit now and it does make me feel better.

[MamaMaiasaura]

lol @ what your ds said. I can never think of smart comments that fast

[kid]

That was very quick thinking of your DS, I bet it stopped the man staring!
My kids are curious but will ask me questions rather than just stare, which I do prefer as I think it is rude to stare.

[Jimjams2]

It's the parents staring that pee me off even more. I've mouthed "don't stare" twice at parents of young children in the last few months (the children were busy doing their own thing- it was the mothers having a good old gawp).

[2shoes]

we once had a old man stand still turn round and stare at dd on her trike. we were on the seafront. I just did the same to him but it is just so RUDE

[Skribble]

I have always stopped my kids from gawping even when they were little, I usually take the chance to have a quick quite word to explain about whatever it is that they were looking at, like wheelchairs, feeding tubes etc.

I try to give lots of positive info too and tell them about collegues of mine with different abilities and discuss all the things they do the same as everyone else and things they need to do differently or need help with.

[GreenLumpyTonsils]

I can sympathise with this. My ds2 has a serious facial disfigurement (not quite so bad now, but still attract attention). I find the staring and rudeness VERY upsetting. But tbh I prefer young children, who are more likely to ask what it is, and be genuinely curious and interested, to judgemental old people who make cruel presumptious remarks and then scarper before I can answer.

[Oracle]

My 9 year old does stare I am afraid and then asks a million and one questions about how 'they might be disabled' I have tried believe me I have tried. My son is autistic highly verbal and looks as normal as the next nine year old.

You can not always judge a book by it's cover I am afraid

Oracle

[BroodyElsa]

It's difficult.

If I make an effort not to stare, am I being rude by averting my eyes? Does the person think I am ignoring them or pitying them? Do I stare anyway? I mean I look, of course I look, I'm a curious person and someone 'different' tends to catch my eye. I tend to smile and perhaps say 'Good Morning' but then would I have made contact at all if they had been 'normal' - probably not, so am I singling these people out for special treatment?

I perhaps make contact with strangers a little more often than average - not necessarily words, but a smile and a nod (not with a patronising air, I promise), a little acknowledgement of their existance in this crazy annoymous world of ours. I get the strangest looks back sometimes, I'm not sure that most people appreciate it.

I remember several occasions in my last job where I was serving a severly disabled customer (wheelchair, arms strapped down, little speech), I always made an effort to address them, but their 'carers' or pushers seemed to be quite unaware of my desire to make contact and would hurry me along.

Do I teach my children (unconcieved as yet ) to avoid looking at strangers, particuarly those in wheelchairs etc? Do I encourage them to smile and say hello? Or to walk on by as if they hadn't noticed (when they had) or somehow condition them to be completely unaware of disabled (differently abled?) persons by massive over exposure. Can they ask questions? Do people really want to discuss their medical details with complete strangers everywhere they go?

How do I explain to guide dog owners that I stop not because they are blind or a spectacle, but because of my admiration for their relationship with dogs, and dog owners I generally stop and speak with. That I understand not to disturb the dog whilst it is working without permission but that I'd love a stroke of their furry friend. Do people mind you wanting to talk to them when their mind is on what they are fetching for dinner, not how marvelous their companion is? Or indeed on their disability at all?

Maybe I should ignore them and just continue my donations to the Guide Dogs for the Blind charity without comment.

If I hold a door open for someone, do they think it is because I think them incapable, or because I just want to be helpful/polite and would do it for anyone. Do they think I avoid their eye because they have a large birthmark or can they understand that I find eye contact with anyone tricky?

It is a puzzlement.

Elsa.

Ps. Of course I should perhaps point out that I think I am generally anxious about all social interaction and this is not restricted to certain people. But it is difficult to know what the right response is, and what to teach our children. Is it perhaps enough that I care about the person as a person and what they think? Will my little faux pas be insignificant because of the genuine feeling behind them?

[aaronsmummy]

I agree with JimJams the parents annoy me. I have ds2 (3.5) in a double pushchair with dd - just - although I get comments that he is too big to be in one. If he is ever allowed out we usually have a meltdown and I am sick of people staring. He is not naughty he has autism and usually has good reason for the screaming/kicking episode. People are far too judgemental these days, live and let live I say.

I saw a baby in a pushchair with a cleft palate yesterday, she was so cute, my ds (7) went over and held her finger and thought she was lovely, I don;t think he even noticed, we are all different anyway.

[BroodyElsa]

Is it perhaps enough that I care about the person as a person

Let me clarify, as opposed to a disability.

[misdee]

a stare followed the lip curling sneer is the one i hate. the look of disgust and horror as they realise that dh is part man part machine, the look of horror as i bend down to change batteries when he beeps. the smirks when he asks me to tie his shoelaces.

but one time i caughty myself staring at a girl in splints, but i wasnt staring at the girl, her splints caught my eye, they were an amazing colour and i knew my neice would love them. i did consider asking if they got them doen at the local hospital, but thought they may think i was weird.

but yesterday i noticed a little girl (same age as dd3) had lovely glasses, so i stopped and asked her parents where they got them, as dd3 ones are pink and the colour is chipping off.

[Thomcat]

Broodyelsa, - the point is, it's not about avoiding, or feeling you have to over compensate by making conversation you wouldn't make if they weren't in a wheelchair, or had that particular disability, and in 2shoes case, it isn't about staring so hard that it's uncomfortable.

It's about treating everyone the same.

[mumandlovingit]

colditz
agree completely.my youngest has that problem, he's just turned 4 and even some adults look at him like he's gone out because he cant talk well and some of his sentences are gramatically correct.

my friend has a child with various problems, downs,dandy walker something and other things and i hate it when he's in his wheelchair and people stare at him or worse they point and snigger.i hate that.his mother says something to people now.he's got a really cool sticker on the back of his car now saying disabled kid with attitude.love it.

my children do look at people who are different but i try to explain to tem that everyones different andno ones any better than anyone else and to ask questions if they want to know something not to whisper or stare.my eldest went to someone in tesco last year who was a dwarf (is tat politically correct now?) he asked him why he was so small and that he was short like his brother.the man answered all his questions and my son thought he was brilliant.


my biggest gripe is old people who stare at disabled children.anyone would think tat it was only the elderly that were allowed wheelchairs and that they didnt have disabled children 'in their day'

hold your head up high and be proud to be different

[mumandlovingit]

his sentences arent correct i mean!