MNHQ moving a thread AGAIN due to bereavement without OP asking.

(110 Posts)
LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops Wed 12-Sep-12 16:17:51

I am quite cross (again).

Once more, we have seen MNHQ move a thread from another topic to 'bereavement' without the OP requesting it. Why do you do this? Frankly it really pisses me (and others I believe) off that we cannot talk about infant death without having to be sidelined ushered into the bereavement topic. People suggest the move in good faith perhaps, thinking (albeit in a terribly patronising way) that any bereaved parent of an infant must be protected form robust discussion and 'supported'.

Please, MNHQ, I demand to know (once again) if you have a policy of doing this, and your reasoning. I don't have the time to explain exactly how marginilised it can make you feel when you realise that a forum that you love dearly shows itself to want to keep people with certain experiences away from the rest of the site. Please respond.

CailinDana Wed 12-Sep-12 16:36:37

Hear hear Loopy.

The OP couldn't even find her own thread because she didn't know it had been moved.

Is there a reason for moving it?

LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops Wed 12-Sep-12 16:40:47

I've reported my post for a quicker response (hopefully). Got to go to bed now but I hope the hear back by the morning.

onceortwice Wed 12-Sep-12 16:42:09

It's a difficult one.

I've posted on the other thread (hopefully sympathetically, but obviously without the experience of having lost a child).

Several people have pointed out that I shouldn't post because I don't know what I'm really posting about (which of course I don't, I'm just trying to offer a PoV).

MN do, I believe, try to protect people from insensitve or unthoughtful posts. AIBU is, I think most would agree, a bit of a minefield. It would be unfair for someone looking for support to be hit with a very different PoV (which would be fair to say is allowed in AIBU).

Should it have been moved? I don't know, but I don't think the OP was looking for a fight, I think she was looking for support. I responded on because of AIBU but wouldn't have if it had started in Bereavment, but on the whoe, I am not sure the advice I offered was really appreciated.

If people want to post in AIBU, then there has to be a general agreement that there might be several views you don't like / agree with.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar Wed 12-Sep-12 16:48:34

I am not a bereaved parent, but moving these threads has saddened and angered me.

LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops Wed 12-Sep-12 16:48:48

I don't think she was looking for support or a fight, but a debate. The OP is clearly an intelligent person who understands the forum and what AIBU entails.

The fact is that (and just like last time) the OP did not ask n=for it to be moved, and it was done anyway. How is that 'supportive'? That's just rude.

Hopeforever Wed 12-Sep-12 16:49:28

As someone who is in a very sensitive position at the moment, who is using MN as a way of coping while bed bound, I am thankful it was moved.

It is good that there is a topic for bereavement, that we can hide when we need to and use when necessary or be on when we are in a position to help others.

frasersmummy Wed 12-Sep-12 16:49:37

The post that was moved was not about the death of her child perse .. it was about something her friends has siad around his birthday and the poster wanted to know if she was being reasonable or not

Therefore it was in the right place but it was moved making the op come back and apologise because she thought she had upset people which she didnt ..

so why was it moved mnhq.. it does feel like child death is always shunted off the main board asap.. like we shouldnt taint other parts of the board with our sad stories

LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops Wed 12-Sep-12 16:51:12

In fact, the 'support' was what was out of line. The question was very robust and did not call for suggestions of how to remember her son quietly, that wasn't what she wanted. If she wanted hand-holding and candle suppliers she could have posted in bereavement in the first place.

5madthings Wed 12-Sep-12 16:52:51

i am also annoyed it was moved and more so as the op couldnt then find her own thread.

can mnhq please explain why they did this without the op requesting it? and also why she wasnt messaged so she would know where to find the thread.

there wasnt even a message on the thread to say that it would be mivef.

i think it was a perfectly reasonable aibu thread and the op chose to post it there and that should have been respected.

LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops Wed 12-Sep-12 16:52:52

Hope - sorry you're feeling low. Forcing bereaved parents into a corner where they can't talk about their children is only going to make other vulnerable people feel crap though, surely? You can hide a thread as well as a whole topic.

onceortwice Wed 12-Sep-12 16:54:08

I do agree that, if the OP was open to the discussion, then it would be wrong to 'assume' she wanted support and not a discussion about how people view these things.

I have to admit (and I know it's been mentioned on the thread) lots of people don't feel able to post a PoV when the thread is in bereavement the way they would when the thread is in AIBU. I feel that way too.

I agree if I post about my child in AIBU it's because that's were I want to talk about it, I'd be upset if it was moved to bereavement

EdMcDunnough Wed 12-Sep-12 16:57:08

It sounds as though it was in the right topic to start with.

However there is certainly a case that bereaved people (other ones, I mean) might wish to avoid the topic of bereavement, and therefore I can see why threads that deal specifically with it ought perhaps to be moved.

It would be polite to contact the OPs in advance though.

Hopeforever Wed 12-Sep-12 16:57:15

Thank you Loopy, yes I can and did hide the thread, but the title was rather too close to the bone for me.
I don't understand why it makes people feel crap, but rather show than that they are thought about and supported. Just having a bereavement topic shows that MN are concerned about about parents.
My sister was still born and I know my mum would have appreciated the help of MN had it been around all those years ago.

BIWI Wed 12-Sep-12 16:57:16

But the bereavement board is for people to talk, so it's hardly 'forcing them into a corner where they can't talk about their children'!

I think, though, that before a thread like this is moved, MNHQ should consult with the OP, or at the very least tell them that the thread is being moved.

LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops Wed 12-Sep-12 16:57:52

Yes exactly onceortwice, why are we only allowed to talk about our children in the company of other bereaved parents? Fairly sure the OP wanted general opinion, not just the muted soothing tones of others who had similar experiences.

As I said in the last row about this, I personally hide the bereavement topic as I can't deal with it. I much prefer being normal me, with my bereavement tagging along, not just a personification of that bereavement, if that makes sense?

5madthings Wed 12-Sep-12 16:58:07

hopeforever i am sorry you are havind a bad time at the moment but every thread has the 'hide' function on it.

i really do not think threads related to death should always have to be moved to bereavement. perhaps a warning in the title would help and then postets can choose to read or to hide but posters have a right to post in whatever topic they feel is suitable.

moving it without the op asking and then with no explanation from mnhq was incredibly rude.

frasersmummy Wed 12-Sep-12 16:58:42

hope I dont want to upset you because I am guessing at your circumstances from what you have posted but..

surely just because someone lost their child 3 years ago doesnt mean they have to stay off the main board ...

I really hope things improve for you

Lira Wed 12-Sep-12 17:00:35

Hello everybody.

I hope no one is worrying about me. It's not my intention to cause any arguments or upset.

I hope i am allowed to say this as it was a private mail (but i don't like seeing HQ getting flamed). I have just received an email from them saying they have moved my thread as AIBU can be robust. But it is up to me whether i'd like it to stay in bereavement or moved elsewhere.

I messaged back saying the thread was more about the situation with my friend rather than my son, so i don't think it quite belongs in bereavement. However, i can see it's upset some people so perhaps it's best kept there?

I appreciate all of the comments and time people spent replying. It was so wonderful just to hear him being spoken about. However, like it has been mentioned, i was looking on opinions on my friend rather than alternative ways to celebrate my son's birthday. I am happy having a lunch each year. But my friends aren't. They think it's odd and don't understand why i'm doing it when my friend hardly even mentions her miscarriage let alone has an anniversary.

Sorry, i am rambling. But that was the issue. Not my son's death. I am emotionally sound and have come to terms with what happened. Yes, of course i am sad but no longer grief stricken. IMO tomorrow is about celebrating his life, not grieving over his death. That's why i feel it's out of place in bereavement.

But out of respect of others, perhaps it should stay there?

LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops Wed 12-Sep-12 17:01:30

It is upsetting because there is a patronising assumption that the only people you should be talking about your dead children with is others in the same boat. I want it to be normalised. My daughter died. It is a fact. I don't need to hide away and only talk to other bereaved parents about it.

Hope I find thread titles desperately upsetting all the time. I have considered asking MNHQ to put a ban on threads relating to multiple births unless they are in that section, as every time I see one it makes me desperately upset, but I realise that isn't workable nor fair to the OPs.

5madthings Wed 12-Sep-12 17:02:51

yes its good there is a place for berevement but its wrong that that should be the only place that thise wanting to talk about their loved ones can post.

they should feel free to talk about them in whatever thread they feel is appropriate.

frasersmummy Wed 12-Sep-12 17:03:18

what a lovely post Lira

but stilll think mnhq need to think about how they deal with these issues in general

LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops Wed 12-Sep-12 17:03:30

Or the thread title could be changed instead?

nickelcognito Wed 12-Sep-12 17:03:32

i can see why it would be suggested, but I think MNHQ should have emailed the OP to say "would you like us to move it, this is why we want to" rather than just moving it.

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