3 week old baby and discover he has been having an affair for 3 1/2 years

[jellybean77]

I have a 3 week old baby and last Wednesday my husband phoned to tell me he had been having an affair for 3 1/2 years. (It started 3 months after we got married)
I have a 2 year old as well......
He said it started with a drunken kiss at a Christmas party and escalated into more.
He says that once it started he felt it couldn't stop and has literally created 2 worlds for himself.
My world has ended............. we were the couple this was never gong to happen to.
Everyone is in shock - for everyone it feels like he has cheated on them - friends, family etc...because it is so far removed from his character.
He says he loves me and he never stopped loving me, he was just able to separate his life whenever he closed the front door and went to work.
I have no idea how to function, and I have a newborn and a toddler to look after,
I look like me and sound like me...but I feel like I have been replaced with a robot who can get up and do the things that need doing around her... but I am not really here.

[Mrsbubblebum]

I can't imagine how you must feel. I'm so sorry.

If your husband would break up with the other woman would you ever be able to forgive him and trust him again? If not i think that's the end.

I guess it's not very helpful but i really don't know what else to say.

[ReneRusso]

Sorry you're going through this jellybean. What precipitated him telling you? Does he want to end the affair or is he thinking of leaving you? The 2 worlds thing sounds very common, totally compartmentalising the affair. It may be no comfort to you now, but it is possible to get through this and for your marriage to survive (mine did). What do you want to happen next? I am wondering why friends and family all know about it - did he tell them or did you? What a nightmare for you - hang in there and look after your precious baby.

[Karmann]

I know exactly how you feel. It took me ages to start to function on any kind of normal level - I too have one that can put his life in boxes.

It's not a reflection on you - it's a flaw in his character. This is very, very early days for you and I would suggest that you make no major decisions now. At some point you will know what you want to do for you. It is possible to recover but you may both need outside help, i.e. counselling.

For the timebeing, you will be on autopilot but will soon feel a rollercoaster of emotions. Keep posting on here, there are many people who can help.

[partytime]

You poor thing I am so sorry.

It is a huge shock for you, does your H want to stay with you or leave for OW?

Would you want him to stay?

My H was having affair for 3 years, possibly more, and when I found out he left me after 25+ years together and 2 DC.

It does change your life forever and the ripples spread far and wide, affecting family and friends too.

I cannot offer much advice other than deciding what you want from your relationship with him now and in future.

[lowenergylightbulb]

You poor thing, WTF made him tell you (by phone) literally just after you have given birth? What a knobber.

Have you got plenty of support in real life?

[skidoodly]

How can a marriage survive when it has essentially never even existed? This man has been cheating for the entire time they've been married. He has basically NEVER been a good husband.

I'm so, so sorry OP. Keep going, you'll find yourself again eventually.

[babehunmug]

agree with everything above - are there any men who don't compartmentalise their lives? I am beginning to doubt it.
sorry about all the turmoil you are going through - the only way is up now
take care and thank goodness you have good family and friends

[AIBU2000]

I can't imagine what you must be feeling but make sure you protect yourself and your children first and figure out what you want to happen next. Be kind to yourself.

[Rindercella]

Oh my goodness, you poor thing. No real advice really, but try and look after yourself - others may be in shock, but you are his wife and you are most affected by this. Do you have RL support close by?

[hugs]

[Lucy85]

Hi Jelllybean,

I am also going through this. I hear you when you says it hurts; - it really does doesn't it.

I also undertand that he has cheated your friends and your family - he is not the person you thought he was, and your marriage is not what you thought either.

I have no real advice as I am still numb with shock and pain myself, however I have started to read 'Not just friends' by Shirley Glass, which is useful and painful. (If you get time to read it in between BFding and looking after DC).

Lots of love to you - you are not alone. Take a day at a time, and if you can't do that take it an hour or a feed at a time.

[HanBanan]

You will get through this. Get loads of help from friends and family. If you are particularly close to any of them ask them to move in with you for a couple of weeks.

Not that you won't cope, it's just you might well get lonely etc. and you'll need to talk it all through with someone.

Routine and robot stuff is actually good for you right now. When you start thinking about it all over and over you need to clear out a cupboard or go for a walk or drive.

Ignore whatever comes out of your ex husbands mouth. He's an arsehole pure and simple. Not just to do it but to tell you now.

And hopefully you won't but don't ever ever blame yourself that you didn't realise or you must have done something wrong. I honestly believe that men who compatmentalise themselves like this and act so cruelly are psychos and do not think like normal people.

[Malificence]

He's definitely not a normal, decent human being, he's a highly dysfunctional and inadequate one.
I'm afraid I would show him the door and tell the OW that she is welcome to the lying, cheating bastard, how dare he do this to you and your children.

What made him finally confess, couldn't he live with the guilt any longer?

Normal, emotionally healthy men don't compartmentalise their lives like this and don't behave in this truly destructive manner.

He is a failure - as a husband, as a father and as a decent person.

[partytime]

Here, here Mal.

I don't get how men can do the compartmentalising, as the OP has described and how my H lived his double life, and getting away with it for so long as well.

I can't imagine how they justify their actions.

My H only confessed when I had positive proof, otherwise the affair would have gone on and on.

It is the ease with which they lie and deceive that staggers belief too.

I have told myself that I have done nothing wrong, it was not my fault, that it is a problem with H's personality, this helps me come to terms with his actions.

As with you OP it is the DC who will suffer most, and that is the real crime.

[JazzieJeff]

Well said, Mal. He is a total failure, what a complete and utter fuckwit.
I don't have any advice or any words of comfort that don't sound utterly inadequate. I really, really hope you feel better soon
I am SO sorry. xxx

[schmontilidrop]

He is an arse. What a time to tell you. Ive been though a very very similar situation except he told me when i was 3 months pg and then left me homeless with a 20 week old.
and our whole marriage was a sham.

There is loads of good advice on here, always someone to listen.

Most importantly - THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT

[Rindercella]

Why did your husband phone you to tell you such devastating news? I wonder too about his motives in letting you know now, 3.5 years after the start of the affair, 3 weeks after your 2nd child is born. What drove him to call you and tell you this news? (am sure you don't know the answers yourself, just me wondering out loud really)

I had very different, but very devastating news when my DD2 was 5 weeks old (she's now 10 weeks). For me the early hours lying wide awake mulling everything over in my mind were just the worst times (and still are sometimes)...your mind can take you down paths you really don't want to go down in those quiet and lonely hours.

The thing I will say though is 5 weeks on, the situation is still the same, but it has become part of our normality and the DC are wonderful at forcing you to cope. But it is ok to cry, to yell that it's not fair, that the man you thought you knew and loved is in fact a total arsewipe.

Look after yourself and your dear children first and foremost. Get any help you can and make the most of people's kind offers.

Sorry, for someone who said in my 1st post that I had nothing much to say, I seem to have prattled on

[KaraTrace]

jellybean77 you poor thing what an awful thing to have happened and even more awful for your husband to think that telling you over the phone when you have only just given birth was a good idea. He is a twat. My Dad is that twat but my Mum found out when we were much older and it only started when the second of us was born. I can't offer you any advise except you have an opportunity to get out of this and get on with you life while you are young. My mother forgave my Dad back when I was little. Shortly after my DC's birth she found evidence it was not over, it was a shit time for all of us, again. She feels too old now to move on and feels she wasted her life on a lie, please don't make the same mistake.
Look after yourself and your little ones.

[iMum]

Oh my goodness-words dont really cover it-thinking of you xx

[Timbachick]

Oh my god. I am so sorry to read this. Firstly, I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you. Secondly, PLEASE please please do not blame yourself - YOU have been present in your marriage/relationship. YOU have given of yourself. He, however, has been totally absent - I can't quite get my head around why he felt it appropriate to PHONE you to tell you this, now, when you have a newborn? What a complete and utter wanker. He is a worthless shit, a waste of a man, tbh. He has not been a decent husband and he will not be a decent father. As said before: an emotionally healthy man does not feel the necessity to compartmentalise his life like this. Understand that you will be numb and on autopilot. You will, however, get through this and come out the other side - battered but whole and with two lovely and gorgeous DC's. What you do with regards to your relationship with 'fuckwit' will need to be assessed ... later. Do not make any decisions now. Gather your friends and family and lean on them - take time and take strength from those around you. And remember MN, we are here as well. Good luck jelly

[PrettyFeckinVacant]

My H did the same - He was in the house with me in the morning, then he flew off to Holland for a meeting and rang me from there to tell me he was seeing someone else

He, like your H, is a spineless twat. He had compartmentalised his life too - that may be a reason but it isn't an excuse

That was 2.5 years ago and my overwhelming regret is that I didn't ask him to leave then. Even if it only so you have time to breathe and think - you need some time to take in what he has done.

Dont look for reasons and dont blame yourself for one minute. He may say he wasn't getting enough attention from you but you have 2 small children and any loving dh would have understood and tried to help not cause you all of this anguish.

Be strong and keep posting - it helped me so much.

[schmontilidrop]

ha- mine did it by phone when he was abroad as well. Twice.

Cowards. Utter, utter cowards.

Though i should also say, for the terrible husband he was, he is an ok father. he has DD when he says, he is mostly ontime. he cooks for her, she eats well. She does baking and colouring with her and takes her places and plays with her and she loves him and him her. I actually think hes a better father now, he was rubbish when we were together.

Not that thats much consoladation. Its just that i worried terribly about being a single parent and ruining everything for DD and how DD was going to miss out and that it was my fault beause i couldnt hold the marriage together.

The Dc's will be fine. They will ajust. You need to look atfter yourself.

[jellybean77]

Thank you..
I didn't really know what to expect from posting here, but it is amazing how the kindness of strangers can help so much.

He has left her (or she has left him), and told his work.....so they can never work together again
He begs forgiveness, the biggest mistake blah blah.....seeing a therapist, wants us to seek counseling....

For now I am surrounding myself with amazing friends and family .. I never knew how incredible people could be.

I don't know if we have a future but I already know that I am not alone, and I haven't fallen apart when my world was ripped apart

[mamsnet]

Jellybean! I've been thinking loads about you the last few days..
I really hope things work out for the best.. for you, not just the children..
Right now, you sound like you're doing very well in the circumstances.. Enjoy your baby and deal with things one day at a time..

[Rindercella]

Jellybean, you sound so strong. You're absolutely right - although one of the worst things imaginable has happened, you're still here and you're still strong.

Your husband did not have a one-off moment of weakness: he did not have a 3.5 hour drunken fumble with a woman; he did not even have a 3.5 day 'moment of madness' with the woman. He had a 3.5 year full blown, leading separate lives affair with her. That is one big mistake ime.

I know you know this anyway. I guess it's good news that he's seeing a therapist and also that he has suggested counselling. But please don't feel guilt-tripped into anything.

Good luck and use all the help and support you are getting to the max. Give yourself time to enjoy youru lovely new baby.

Sending hugs your way

[lucky1979]

So, he's telling you because
a) He's been dumped
b) Lots of other people (his work) know
c) He knows that you would likely have found out anyway

You are worth WAY more than that.