What's the rule about moaning about your 50% saint and 50% bastard husband when you've moaned many times before about him and people say leave but you don't want to and aren't going to, but he's been

[JustMyTwoPenceWorth]

a twat (again) and you just want a moan about it?

Is it a case of shut up whinging if you aren't going to pack a bag and get out, or is it ok to have a (pointless) moan?

[PandaEis]

of course its ok to have a pointless moan! no relationship is perfect and if you didnt moan about the shit bits how can you truelly appreciate the great ones?

moan away i say

[MrsSawdust]

Go ahead and moan - we're all ears

[AnyFucker]

depends what the twat did, or didn't, do

[MamaG]

coures you can moan

[JustMyTwoPenceWorth]

thanks folks. (you may regret this!) I wanted to ask because I've bored you before and tbh, I wouldn't blame you for thinking I should put up or shut up.

He's buggered off drinking. Just after I was starting to feel so pleased with him for not taking off! (it's been quite a while). I am supposed to be going to take my grandad out tomorrow so he is supposed to be doing the school runs.

Today when he made a joke about st patricks day I KNEW it was coming! Then he had to go out to put money on his prepay credit card (despite the fact I can do it online!) So I knew he was going to go to a pub.

I have checked online and he has put the money on, whether it will stay there is another matter!

But drinking midweek -when he had already agreed a week ago to do the school runs tomorrow! And he claims he will be coming home tonight - driving? after drinking? but he claims he will wait a few hours and he'll be below the limit. hello! Last time he did that, he got pulled and was over the limit! They took him to a police station and the machine there read him as just under. But I thought he had LEARNED!

OTOH, I know he is emotionally vulnerable atm. A man who was like a second father to him died recently and it knocked him for six (he's already lost his dad, a brother and a sister! as well as very close friends)

Plus we are venturing back out into the business world (well, setting up with that goal in time!) and he is frustrated by some hold ups atm. He also isn't sleeping atm.

But he has done what he always does when he is struggling. Takes to the booze and never mind commitments, promises, money or anything.

[AnyFucker]

no comment

[JustMyTwoPenceWorth]

Yes, I know AF. I probably shouldn't have posted. I have stopped myself a lot since my last moan! Because I know how sick to death you all are of me (understandably!) but I just thought oh sod it, I know it's all my own fault but I just need a rant!

[AnyFucker]

I don't recall your previous posts, tbh

were they under a different name?

you have every right to post and every right to moan

but don't expect anyone to come along and say "oh, give him a break, it's not so bad, what is a bit of financial fuckwittery and addictive behaviour between loving partners....????"

because it is bad, and you know it

I am sympathetic, truly, just don't know how to make you feel better if that is what you wanted

[JustMyTwoPenceWorth]

Oh, sorry AF, forgot I've changed my name.

I bet you do recall my previous posts because you have got quite cross with me more than once! (I deserve it!)

I'm mytwopenceworth - hecate - heqet

I've gone back to my roots

[AnyFucker]

oh heck, heq

now, lovey, I am not going to back off "just because it is you"

he is a twat, and you don't deserve this

he is fucking around with your financial security and taking you for a naive fool, to boot

[Lulumaam]

aw heq, you don'/t need this

he is an alcoholic

you have enough on your plate

and oyu don't dservere the wonderful, erudite, funny strong woman taht you are to be dragged into this mire again

[ItsGraceAgain]

< Just out of interest, what WOULD it take for you to leave him? >

I'm interested, too.

[expatinscotland]

[Northernlurker]

The problem with moaning but nt acting is that it becomes pretty self destructive after a while. Will you tell him this has upset you when he comes home?

[JustMyTwoPenceWorth]

He is an alcoholic and I think that's a big part of the problem.

He can be a twat but he can also be brilliant! He's certainly stuck around when no bugger else would have! Oh, but how I've paid for that, in pain in worry in loneliness [melodramatic]

He stopped going out after he nearly came to serious harm (some dodgy blokes). I thought it was a fresh start!

He even came back to the marital bed! (sleeping's all for now but it's a step, isn't it?)

but then he started his cycle again. A few drinks, then a few more, then a bottle and now it's the going out. Will tonight be the all-nighter?

what would it take for me to leave?

I am stuck between happy marriage and bad enough to leave. I wish he'd either stop the drinking, cherish me and shag me! or he'd shag some bird on the table in front of me while smacking me in the gob.

iyswim.

expat, I know I should just shut up, but please don't do the biscuit at me, I am feeling foolish already

[FoxtrotOscarJuliet]

It seems like you've taken the decision to never leave, no matter what. That shows low self-esteem, given that you already acknowledge that he's 50% twat.

Leaving shouldn't be ruled out 'no matter what'.

[Northernlurker]

Well eventually you will be in a violent and/or sexual betrayal situation - if he doesn't get help. Do you really want to wait around for things to get that bad - because they will.

[AnyFucker]

heq...I worry that something really bad has to happen before you both wake up and smell the coffee

starting up a new business ? Is that a good idea, bearing in mind he is an alcoholic ?

alcoholics will risk their family's security to get what they need

you and dc's will always be second to his mistress...drink

you know this though

[JustMyTwoPenceWorth]

NL - yes. I shall. I already have. He called me from the pub you see. And I told him that I wasn't happy, that he had promised to do the school runs tomorrow, that he had said himself that he did not want to be someone who gets drunk on a weeknight and that I was concerned that he might try to drive, but since he could not come home after drinking unless I fetched him, I have to let my grandad down so I can do the school runs.

And he did what he always does when he knows he's let me down - he got defensive. I am supposed (not his words but his sentiment) to be grateful that he calls me and lets me know where he is, because he never used to. And I should stop holding the past against him.) my argument is that it's not the past if he's still bloody doing it!!

But I can walk now. I have some measure of physical independence. I feel like I am ready to have the Change Or Leave conversation with him, from a can I cope if I boot him out pov (yes). But I feel like I don't have the right to leave a marriage unless I am in danger or the kids are. Does that sound stupid?

I think what I am saying is that, despite my op saying I'm not going to I think I might be thinking about asking him to leave. I just don't know how.

[wegotthereintheend]

OP didn't you post on the thread about husbands doing disappearing acts?

At it again is he?

They never change, not really. I can't believe how like me you sound. I was always saying to my mate that I wish he would do something bad enough to give me the excuse to leave, it was just never quite bad enough. Actually it was but I just couldn't see it. Found out that the whole time he was disappearing on me he was shagging around. Don't know if your dh is but Northerlurker was right and it will all come to a head one way or another.

This is what happened to me. Exh went off on yet another weekend bender, spent all his wages then came and asked me for money, I finally said no if you are spending all your money on the piss and whatever else then I am not going to subsidise it. He became violent in front of our dc, the police were called and SS recieved a referral about us, finally it was bad enough, even though we had split up a long time previously there was still a lot of "is this the right thing" kind of feelings. It had finally got to the point where his behaviour had become so out of control that outside agencies were involved with MY family. It was a horrific time.

Not saying this will happen to you but things rarely end with a whimper iyswim.

[TotalChaos]

Do they run the Freedom course anywhere near you? Problem is that if things get "bad" enough you feel justified in leaving, then that could as wegotthere described result in trauma to you and the kids. Good luck with continuing getting more mobile and independent, hopefully that will help clarify your thinking. And cover your arse financially - in this economic climate I wonder how good an idea starting a business is....

[glastocat]

He sounds like a complete twat to me. I'm sure you deserve a lot better.

[overmydeadbody]

To stay with someone just because they don't put you or the kids in obvious physical danger is very stupid, and you know it. You will keep making excuses not to leave, but at the end of the day the only reason you are not leaving id because you are weak.

Have you had the leaving talk with him before? If not, do you think the threat of you leaving would be enough of a wake-up call for him?

He has let you down, let your kids down, let your grandfather down, and let himself down. The only thing you can do to change the cycle from repeating forever is to leave him.

You are lovely. You deserve more than this. You deserve for your partner to treat you with respect and be true to his word.