Mumsnet Talk

as a physical one? Can it ever be ok, even when it doesn't seem wrong?

Why do you ask? Are you in one?

Yes but we haven't met and have no plans to, its just phone speak.

I would say at least as bad if not worse

and how many people only have sex wth each other and never get emotionally involved?

Well, join the club. I am too.

No it doesn't feel wrong but I know it can't continue.

Put your shields up friend because we're about to get flamed ....

i think that pouring out your heart, your hopes, dreams and fears to someone of the opposite sex is a betrayal to your spouse/partner

it shows there is something lacking if you can't share it with your spouse or a true friend, that you have to do so with a stranger, when there is that frisson

if you feel you are doing something bad , then you probably are

Dont really see what sex has to do with anything. We are only talking, random everyday stuff, not even flirting, thats not going to happen either.

Hes not a stanger, he is a significant person from years ago. He is a friend .

Iknowmyheadisintheclouds - oh dear. How do you feel about it? Problem is, if they are a friend, its hard to say goodbye.

But do you feel it is an 'emotional' affair i.e. can you tell your dh about your conversations and/or that you are talking to your 'friend'.

no flaming here, but...

it is wrong in that it diverts your emotional energy away from your primary relationship

and if your spouse does not know, it makes a fool out of him/her and puts him/her in the position of sharing your affections without even knowing it

clouds...if you don't think what you are doing is wrong, why can you not continue it?

Having had an emotional affair with an ex I would say it is just as bad because of the effect it has on the family.

Don't do it.

I really enjoy talking to him because he is older than DH and talks maturely and compassionately. Its like a breath of fresh air to speak with a male who actually talks sensibly.

Run for the hills.

It's a slippery slope.

strad...you are describing a friend, not an emotional affair

does DH know the nature of your conversations ? Do you complain about your DH to this other bloke ?

AnyFucker - good comments, will take them on board. I suppose I am just enjoying talking to someone from my past who just happens to be male that can speak from the heart about stuff in general whereas DH talks about nothing at all. But I do understand your comments.

Lulumama has it spot on - although it wasn't a stranger but someone from long ago, everything else she says is exactly why I ended it and focused my attention back on rediscovering what I had and have again now with DH.

I can't continue it because it is making me far too sad. It is a past love that didn't work out.

But this is about Strad, not me.

I would say if you feel yourself getting in 'deeper' you need to pull the plug because it is that much harder later on.

However, if this person is really just a friend, then you will know in your heart whether it is an emotional affair or not. Do you have deeper feelings? Longings for him or desperately wondering what he's doing?

Think Fab may be right.

No AnyFucker, I do not complain about DH, it would be unkind and so I do not. I call it emotional affair as maybe that is how it could be viewed. I personally see it as nothing more than talking to a male friend. He was however a very significant person in my life years ago and for that reason I have not mentioned it to DH.

Iknowmyheadisintheclouds, I know this post is about me but still you can open up cant you? I have only been involved for a couple of months and have no 'romantic' feelsings whatsoever. Like you, he was a past love which will forever remain in the past.

the not mentioning it to DH is dodgy, IMO

are you sure you do not want to meet up with him...or want more ?

is your marriage ok ? Although to quote another very wise MN'er, marriages don't have to be awful to make someone vulnerable to an affair

and you are putting yourself in a vulnerable position, strad

what would DH say if he knew ?

Ah, this is a poster called Memory Lane, if I'm not mistaken. Still hoping to get a different answer, Memory?

"is your marriage ok ? Although to quote another very wise MN'er, marriages don't have to be awful to make someone vulnerable to an affair"

AF that is so true.

If it is completely innocent, then mention it to DH. If you can't bring yourself to because deep down you know something isn't 100% right with it, then cool it down a bit.

It's not talking to an old flame that would be the problem for me - it's the secrets. Where do they end?

Tell DH. It'll be a huge weight off your shoulders, and you can get on with enjoying the friendship.

Strad..I don't know what the circumstances are or why this guy is an ex...

My 'ex' was a long time ago (20 yrs)...recently got back in touch and have found that we are both sad that we didn't try and make it work. Both married now, me very happily, him not so happily...

He is the one person in my life that I have always had a very deep emotional connection. 20 years later the connection has not gone away.

However, neither of us is willing to jeopardize our families for the other and so we are leaving it at talking. And trying to work through why we both feel so sad.

Now trying to work towards a place where we can be friends without any emotional baggage. But it's very very hard.

I don't actually think you are doing anything wrong. My dh talks to his ex's all the time, even has dinner with some. I don't feel the need to question him about what they discuss.