Why can't you be happy with a nice simple life?

[Robeena]

A quick background, 3 kids eldest ds is 4, the next ds almost 3 then dd 15mths. I used to work in a position that was considered professional/executive, but I haven?t set foot in an office since the week before 2ds was born.

I am not saying I am a domestic goddess but I have applied running the house the same way I would at work and I do everything from paying bills, cooking, cleaning and organising the kids ? so basically when my husband gets home from work there is dinner on the table, clothes ironed etc etc.

Then last September I decided to set up my own business ? now as I didn?t want it to interfere with the children?s routine I do everything regards my new business in the morning before they wake and after they go to bed. On top of this as I had stopped breastfeeding to lose the baby weight from #3 I took up running which is two evenings a week.

My husband now feels that I have no time for him and he is ?sick to death of me being holed up in the study with the laptop in the evenings and that now he is at the bottom of my list of priorities and importance?.

We have been together over 10 years married for 8 and this has been the biggest argument we have ever had where I think basically he got used to me being the old fashioned wife ? he said he is happy with his family unit and how things were and why couldn?t I be happy with a nice simple life....

[ChairmumMiaow]

Do you think you have no time for him? If you can see his point then although he might not have gone about it the right way, what can change to help? I'm not saying you should give up anything, but perhaps he coul do a bit of the housework / childcare to free up some time for him?

DH and I have been together a little longer and things have got harder since DS. I don't do half as much as you but I definitely have less time and energy for him, so I can feel some sympathy for your DH.

[OrdinarySAHM]

Sorry haven't thought of any good advice yet but can I just ask:

Is that why you started the new business - because you were NOT happy with your simpler life before that? If not, why not?

Do you like being so busy? I know I would hate it! The thought of the amount of work you have to do would make me want to cry!

[bibbitybobbitysantahat]

It sounds as though he is unhappy that you spend so little time together.

Can you organise some childcare so that you can work during the day rather than the evenings?

Or at least a cleaner and other domestic help so that simply have more hours in the day?

[ZZMum]

Whilst I totally understand your need to work etc, i can sort of see his point of view that when he gets home to kick back and spend time with family and you, you are off working and doing your own stuff - both needs should be met and they can be with some juggling of time and activities - could you run together with some child care? How about you get help during day with kids? How about you plan 2 evenings a week for just the 2 of you?

I don't think this would be too hard to overcome .. just needs a bit of discussion, compromise and child care - like all marriages do!

[ItsGraceAgain]

Well, it sounds as though you're heading for stress-related illness, Robeena!

Basically you're doing two full-time jobs. Something has to give - and, currently, what seems to be 'giving' is your family life & relationship with your DH.

How about letting go of the Superwoman act and hiring somebody to help you with the house & kids during the day?

Then you can do your work properly, and cozy up with hubby in the evenings

[FultonMcKay]

I know it sounds very American etc but could you have a date night type thing every once in a while, on a regular basis. It sounds as though you are working your fingers to the bone but that he may have a point, albeit put across in the wrong way. Of course he misses the 'old' you - wouldn't we all but there has to be a compromise...

I think that there are always times when we have to accept that we are lower on our partner's list of priorities - when dealing with a newborn, final exams, brand new promotion, setting up new business. Sounds like you need to try to have a calm chat with each other and see what you can prioritise to make everyone happy. Maybe he just needs a little reminder of Robeena-pre-kids to understand why you are not satisfied with the life that he wants you to have.
Good luck!

[wickerman]

What Grace said. Don't abandon the business fgs - you sound like a dynamo who needs an outlet outside domesticity - but don't run yourself into the ground and sideline dh either. Childcare. Cleaner. etc.

[mrsboogie]

just how simple can your life be with all that going on? 3 small kids and running a house? do you ever sit still?

I can sort of see your husband's point - if you are occupied all night when do you get time to be together? You should sort this now while he still wants to spend time with you and before he gets used to you being elsewhere.

Could you not hire some help with the kids during the day so that you can do your business stuff then?

[notyummy]

Others have said it.

Childcare - you really shouldn't try and do two things like this without it. You will make yourself ill, and if I was DH i would be a bit peeved about you constantly working in the evenings.

He should help a bit round the house.

Also would expect some support from him and trying to see your efforts to work and keep fit in a positive way.

[Badinfluence]

This sounds very similar to a friend of mine a few years ago. She got so caught up with being the perfect Mum and housewife and holding down a full-time job. She managed it for a while but then it all came to a head. She was close to a breakdown, is now on AD's and her marriage is now teetering on the brink (although there are other issues regarding that).

I would take a step back and try to understand why you feel the need to prove yourself like this? Why do you feel you have to run a perfect house, be a perfect Mum, have a perfect figure and run a successful business all by yourself?

I am a working Mum and personally found being a SAHM very difficult so totally understand the urge to do something. But I can also see where your DH is coming from. He probably appreciates that the house is running beautifully and the extra income from the business but he is obviously missing his wife.

[BrahmsThirdRacket]

I think when he says 'Why can't you be happy with a nice simple life?' he means that his life was nice and simple because you did everything.

[TheBolter]

Yy, agree with what other have said. Get thee a childminder and give yourself a break during the evenings. I would be pissed off if my DH buggered off upstairs at the end of the day. I wouldn't wish to be married to an automaton.

[Robeena]

I have to admidt that right now I feel like I am being torn into a million different pieces and directions. My husband does wnat me to give up the business and for an easier life with no arguments I am tempted.

In answer to your question ordinarySAHM I started the new business as I had been talking about it for years about working for myself and now the eldest two were in nursery most days it freed me up a little do it.

On a weird note I have always felt immensly guilty that I am no longer financially contributing to the household. I have always supported myself since I was in my teens and never had to rely on anyone supporting me and now all of a sudden I am now relying on my husband to provide for me and I know he is happy to do it but a part of me feels that I should be contributing on a financial level.

[Robeena]

And I am so not superwoman/domestic goddess and I have let things slide - the house isn't 100%clean,the laundry has been stacking up and the ironing has been sidelined.

And my husband used to love saying that our kids have only ever ate home cooked meals and since September I have been buying already prepared mash, and fish cakes and sneaking in pre-pepaerd quiche into their nursery lunches tc so he can no longer say that they eat home cooked meals all the time.

So I guess I have been letting my family down.

[BrahmsThirdRacket]

You shouldn't do anything for an easy life. In some ways, your business is even more important than an ordinary job because it's been created by you and is totally self-directed and therefore fulfilling. I think it's good that you want to contribute financially. I know money isn't the only thing etc. but for you it is obviously connected with self-esteem and you shouldn't ignore that.

Of course he is going to be happier getting everything his own way, and having his wife at home 24/7 sorting out all the domestic stuff, but you need to do something for you as well.

[notyummy]

I really understand what you mean on the finances - I have exactly the same feelings. Are you doing this purely to feel you are contributing, or because you wish to get some extra stimulation from the world of work?

Perhaps if you were not working every evening your husband might be a bit more supportive and not so 'anti' the business? You do have the right to pursue your own interests out of the home, and expecting you to give it up for an 'easy life' isn't fair - many couples help each other to pursue two careers. My DH and I are an example of this - however I try and make sure that we have time together in the evening. I simply couldn't work every night.

PS: Not trying to set us up as paragons of relationship virtues btw - we have clashes just like everyone!!

[notyummy]

Buying pre-prepared stuff is NOT letting your family down!

This is not 1954 fgs.

You are a bright businesswomen. If you choose to buy a few healthy ready prepared meals to free up some time then that is a sensible allocation of priorities.

The upshot is you cannot be Martha Stewart and Anita Roddick at the same time - without childcare as well!!

Your husband needs to realise that most families aren't run on these slightly antiquated lines - and perhaps he could do some home cooking at weekends with the kids and pop meals in the freezer if he is so keen on this??

[BrahmsThirdRacket]

Oh my God, so you have to dedicate your life to all this domestic stuff just so he can show off about it? Where is the payback, might I ask. I second notyummy - if he's so bothered about it he can do it himself.

[ItsGraceAgain]

We might be being a bit harsh on Mr Robeena here. He has a high-performance DW, who's dedicated her talents to being an even-more-perfect version of Bree Van De Kamp. Supposing he really does admire her, of course he's going to be proud of her home-cooked quiches and silky-smooth ironing!

Perfect housekeeping is an achievement. It deserves recognition. And, for the past 3 years, it has been Robeena's primary achievement.

There's nothing to say he won't be equally proud of her business ... or is there, Robeena?

I can easily see why he wouldn't want to see his wife working herself into a nervous wreck, nor for his lovely, fully-functioning household to start falling apart. It doesn't mean he wants to chain her to the kitchen sink.

[aurynne]

I agree with Grace... let's see this situation from the DH's point of view: he had a family who was (or seemed to be) in perfect harmony. He worked and brought the money home, and his DW took care of the children and house. He did his job well, and his wife was the perfect housewife. He didn't see anything wrong with that, and honestly, I don't see anything wrong either. They had time for one another, the children were happy, they ate healthy food, their laundry was done in time and shirts were always ironed.

Now: for a reason he can't understand (she says she wants to bring money, but why, if he brings in money enough and his family is happy?) the DW has decided to take time off being the perfect housewife and spend it instead working in front of the laptop, alone in a room, on early mornings and late evenings. Children don't eat as healthily as before and sometimes, when he comes home, no one is there to even acknowledge his presence and there's a pile of dirty laundry. The family is not as happy anymore, as the DW is stressed and tired, with less time to spend with DH and DCs.

To be honest, I can see his point perfectly. This doesn't mean the OP does not have one herself, but I do believe she needs to explain it to her DH. What was wrong about being a housewife? If it worked before and everyone was (or seemed) happy, the DH is on the right to demand an explanation to the sudden change, which for him, is for the worse.

[BrahmsThirdRacket]

Because his wife has needs beyond making everything perfect so he doesn't have to lift a finger and so he can brag about it to his friends.

I wouldn't normally react this strongly, but it was the bit where she said how he was annoyed because he used to be able to tell everyone how the kids only ever ate homecooked meals, and now they don't so he can't. It just gives the impression that he wants his family to measure up to some kind of objective outside 'standard', as long as someone else does it. Tbh it is my worst nightmare that my husband would be like that (well, I know there are worse things really).

Agree that she needs to make him see why the business is important to her. She said she had a fairly high-flying career before the DCs so it's not a complete shock, is it?

[aurynne]

Brahms, the wife did her job and the husband did his... what's the problem? It didn't sound to me as "DH was bragging to his friend", more like he was proud of his wife and his family in general. Same as if OP was telling her friends about what a hard worker her Dh is.

[SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh]

Of course he wants a 'nice simple life' with a 'wife', not an actual person. He's got in the habit of seeing you as an accessory, someone who exists for his benefit rather than as yourself.
The 1950s model was great for men and good for children - but it was shit for women, which is why so many women rebelled against it. Your H can either start pulling his weight domestically or stop whining - don't give up your business to spend the rest of your life as his servant.

[BrahmsThirdRacket]

The problem is that she obviously wasn't fulfilled, which is why she's chosen to start the business. If she had been happy with it, it would have been fine.

[Hullygully]

How about he spends two evenings a week after work doing chores so you can work when you would normally be doing them and then spend those evenings together?

Think you are both right, but you are righter because you are in danger of dying from boredom.