Clarity on type of abuse this is...?

[BeamsofLight]

I have just been "dumped" i guess from a year long relationship that commenced very quickly after his ex left him and their baby.

His ex had protested his access rights to his son for reasons that were brought clear to me as the relationship developed.

Although he has not physically assaulted me - apart from throwing a bag, smashing my new i phone etc etc. He has blamed his mistrust issues on minor inconsistencies that he cant get out of his head, eg when i said I had eaten nothing and had a biscuit - it wasnt a lie it was a mistake!

I am a professional woman with a very good career in Education ahead of me and when he just decided the paranoia and gossip he had heard he concluded this was down to me.

He then called my ex husband, my friends, my boss, my father to state that i needed psychiatric help. he thinks hes the next messiah and probably a psychiatrist too.

I am a little concerned as he has manipulated the situation with his ex so badly and destroyed her good name - also a very professional woman by indicating everything was lies. I see clearly that its not. I believe this has been an extreme form of intimidation - but no black eyes makes this hard to clarify!

His ex who will remain a good friend of mine introduced me to this site. I have since withdrawn my character reference that he manipulated and charmed me into and I am slightly concerned as to his next move. ALthough i am educated to masters degree level he is far more academically intelligent than I am.

Any thoughts..............

[GypsyMoth]

leg it

he called your boss to say you need psychiatric help????? and you're still with this nut job??/

you say you're educated,then use some of that brain power and get the hell out!!

[GypsyMoth]

a diagnosis reality,she wants to know what he is.....a nutjob is my conclusion!

[sunburntats]

im not sure what relevance how educated you both are has to this.
He may have fantastic degrees...but he is a twat, basically.

Do you thinkt hat you may need to get soem concrete help with this, a restraining order and some legal advice?

[autumnlight]

When I married my H, I had a reasonably good job, intelligent, independent etc. Ten years of being in an abusive relationship has destroyed me and I am now trying to pick myself up with the help of a counsellor etc. He has done you a favour.

[GypsyMoth]

just cut all ties....don't email,text etc....you wont be getting back with him anytime i pressume? he clearly likes to be in control

[picmaestress]

Just back away quietly and sever all contact. Reassure everyone that he has been telling that you're a nutter, that you're not. Surely your own family will back you up?!
Be grateful you are getting a chance to get away from him. He's a total loon.
Many scary narcissistic nutjobs are intelligent and well educated, that doesn't make them okay or right.
You seem to be asking what his next move might be...and my advice is don't fear things that haven't happened yet. Just make it clear to everyone around you that he's the loon, not you, and they'll believe you. Well, of course they will! Don't underestimate other people's ability to work these things out for themselves.
If one of my team's boyfriend rang me at work and said they needed 'psychiatric help', I'd think it was him that was the problem, not her.
Don't feed his loony fire by any kind of contact or communication.

[Divatheshopaholic]

Abuse is abuse, it really does not matter how educated people are, reading your post i believe you are clearly aware of the abuse, so why just walk out.
He sounds like confident abuser, sadly abuse comes in many ways.

[hbfac]

Cut all ties. And hope he becomes obsessed with something else. Hopefully not someone else (poor them), though it is most likely it will be a person, a woman. Poor her.

Are you really friendly with his ex? You might do well getting together and discussing what you've both been through. Though my guess is that the thought of you two getting together would drive him mental.

It's abuse. Control. You know that.

The further away you get, the better. The less contact, the better. Really, no contact. You know, by now, that if he makes hurting and damaging you his "project", he'll give it his all. So just get out of his horizon.

This is why a. one should always listen to what the ex says about a partner, and just bear it in mind and b. it would be great if people came to us with "references" from their exes.

One of my friends gave me some good advice, once, which I shall pass on for anyone reading this:

1. When you're embarking on a relationship, try and find out how the last one ended, with special reference to the "how". How did this person you're now seeing handle the break-up. It can be telling.
2. If you argue, it's not so much the arguing, it's how you/they handle the argument.

Poor you. He sounds like a bad experience.

I know why you're banging on about how you're all professionals: You can't reconcile how someone who is trained to be analytical and aware can have found themselves in such a clearly abusive situation. It confounds everything you know. You know, he knows, that people have rights and should not abuse one another. He probably even says that.

You know, he knows, the warning-signs of abuse, and what to do (run!).

Well, it's a sad truth, but it happens. Mainly to women, and in spades when a woman is delivered (by the way society is structured, post-children,) into the hands of someone (mainly men) who doesn't rigidly adhere to the boundaries of another's autonomy. At least this happened before you were married, or had children, or something. Not that that stops this happening to unmarried women, and childless women. Just look at stalkers ... .

So, it happens. To many, many women.

It's crap. Actually, it's a disgrace.

[hbfac]

Sorry - just have to add

Picmistress is right.

Don't give in to the fear.

My post is way too fearful - it was intended to corroborate your experience BUT

As advice on how to act - my post is too fearful. Picmistress is correct. However you think other people may react, in fact they will go on what they know of you, not some random fumings of your ex. After all, you know he's a nut, so does his ex, and there are many others who know that. And those that don't know him ... just don't know him. So, no, they won't listen, they'll be interested in what you are doing, and how you act. And that's your call, not his.

And just move yourself as far as you can from him.

[mellish]

Thank you hbfac - i know i sound unsure thats the way i feel at the mo, unsure about my own sanity. Have already been to doc who confirmed is was high intimidation.......the guy works with me! its complex i have to return to work and see him on daily basis. i am worried............ sorry if am confusing things just emotionally drained x

[mellish]

changed my user nickname there! discretion i guess !

[PirateCatintheXmasHat]

it's so so easy to get totally caught up in a mess in your head.

It is doesn't matter abuot how educated you are either, it depends how emotionally secure and self aware you are, in how you can deal with these behaviours form others.

it is THE hardest thing to do, to put yourself outside a situation that you are in.

He sounds ridiculous, that's the only word i can call it.

Thank god he has finished with you.

Do not go crawling back.

Do not contact him.

Avoid him, as tho you never knew him.

[hbfac]

I post too quickly.

I have to add something:

If he does try defaming your reputation at work, it is harassment and many institutions will take it very seriously. Document everything.
With any luck, someone who knows a bit more about employment law will be along (or you could try posting for specific advice in the work section on mn.) Ideally, it won't get that far; no-one wants to get caught up in the labyrinths of employment law.

You're worrying about what he "might" do, and that, I guess, is one of the ways he controls. You say he stops short of actual, proveable harm (though I'm not sure about that - smashing things and emotional abuse is pretty harmful, even if not proveable in a court, it's proveable to you) but the thing is, if he does do anything, he's broken cover, and you have evidence.

[mellish]

thank you - its the fear of my personal lilfe being exposed now.......i have made a bold step by withdrawing my evidence from his court case - i have my own ups and downs - food disorders / sexual assault that he has already began to expose at work....... i am feeling pretty confused i think i sent a barrage of begging texts for a while 3 days prior to xmas he left - rice krispies in wring place.

he has really tried to convince me i am the one with the problem - im damaged but sane!

Posting on here even if my grammar is illegible means i am not sending him a text

[ItsGraceAgain]

Good for you. I think the urgent desires to text him, to refute his allegations to others and so on, comes from a feeling of wanting to wrest back some of the control; to try and negate the damage he has done.

The thing is, you CAN negate it - by doing none of the above. He's clinically certifiable, by the sound of it - you aren't. His actions are insane; you don't counter insanity with insanity! You expose the insanity by retaining your pride & integrity, remaining sane and waiting for him to drop himself in it.

The ONLY thing you need to do is get back to normality asap. It would probably be helpful to get back in touch with any friends you might have dropped during this intense affair: not to pick over it with them, but to do normal things like going to the cinema, galleries or whatever.

When you get back to work - poor you, you've got to work with him! - you could try a little trick a therapist taught me. Here it is:-
In putting you through this nightmarish experience, the asshole has shown you that intelligence is no defence against a psychotic manipulator. You've learned a useful piece of information. What's more, you are now better prepared to recognise such dangers in the future. So be thankful for it! When you see him, don't see "him" (as you thought you knew him). See only the worthwhile lesson you've learned. Smile at the lesson, and walk on.

Hope some of this helps.
Btw, you probably don't watch Waterloo Road? He sounds a bit like Max!

[mellish]

Haha i dont watch waterloo road, you have helped me lots, it is a worthwhile lesson and he is a manipulator. He is very threatened at me joining forces with his ex wife as his world crumbles naturally. thank the lord im not pregnant but my kids cant be called insane!

[mellish]

sunburntats thank you for your post

the reason his intelligence is important is that his ex had a restraining order on him and i and everyone else believed at the time she was the psycho--- thats how his intelligence helps him play the game .... he conned the sherrif in court too!

THat scares me more than anything physical, if i face it the wrath could be worse.

He always has a crusade to fight.

[mellish]

yes i have become friendly with his ex..... i contacted her when i was most distressed.he did exactly the same to her.

Contacted her boss etc etc

Problem is pride for me i have to rise above have never discosed anything to anyone bar couple close friends, so for a but my family did begin to question me. I didnt even tell them he had no supervised access to his son... i would have bet my life he was a good man at the start. Its embarassing x

[AnAuntieNotAMum]

sounds like you have had a lucky escape and painful but useful lesson as to how manipulative some people can be. Academic intelligence is not an indicator of emotional intelligence. I wouldn't worry about a label.

Have you seen the "dating a loser" article that does the rounds? Some great advice at the end about managing the ending...

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

[mellish]

thank you just read the article much if this does resonate....especially the trivial matters where he would take a mood for 4 days over something trivial that didnt get shared with me tl later........my anxiety increased as i had to keep thinking what if he thinks this...etx. THanks !

[mrsboogie]

he sounds seriously mentally ill. You had better do what his exW did and get some kind of restraining order out on him.

[mellish]

this is what i wanted to text hin today after the support on here.. but i didnt ill write it here instead

For the purposes of clarification regarding the behaviour you described as out of control the shouting and screaming was a last straw at the continued unfounded accusations and culmination of living on the edge for fear of your moods and reactions to trivia. My anxiety has disappeared now you have gone. You have taught me a very valuable lesson being that intelligence is no defence against a psychotic manipulator and am better prepared to recognise such dangers in future. I smile at that lesson XXX so thank you.

Feels better even just writing it

[mathanxiety]

"Problem is pride for me "

Please, please, just swallow that pride. It is not your friend. You have to get your story out there so your family and friends have your back.

Get a restraining order.

Does your company have a Human Resources department? Any policies regarding harassment? You may need a solicitor to learn what rights you probably have in the workplace in these circumstances, and what your employer owes you in terms of protection.

No communication at all with him is the best way to go, no matter how much he provokes you.