He said we was 'trying' but still seeing the ow

[whatdoyouallthink]

Ok so I posted ages ago that my dh had an affair while I was pg with dc3. I found out over the xmas/new year period and kicked him out. He then swore he had finished with her. Things have been very amicable recently and he has had no limits on contact with the dc even coming round for dinner several times a week and has spent a lot of time talking to me.

I saw a solicitor and said I wanted to start divorce proceedings. He told me it was all going too quick and that he wanted to try again.

The dc and I went away on hol on our own and he stayed at our house to get some bits done for my return. He text me telling me he loved me and told me on the phone that he was missing me etc.

I came back and everything was fine between us and we was going to go away the weekend as a family.

Sat morning while he was still in bed I heard a text come through...it wasnt my phone it wasnt his phone...put my hand in his pocket and there it was. A secret mobile phone. Full of texts from feb to the friday night and the one she had sent him that morning.

They range from porn star like stuff to how much he loves her and is only coming back for the kids and how we(me and him) will never work while he feels like he does about her. I instantly rang the ow who told me that they didnt stop seeing each other in jan like he swore he did. He didnt get rid of the other phone like he swore he did. She told me that they had still been sleeping together. She also said he wanted to meet her the day our dc3 was born but she said no(apparently she told him it was wrong and he should be with me) She said that on an occaision when we went out(1st night out together after dc3 birth) and she was there he was kissing and cuddling her in another room of the place we was out in front of a dad from our eldests school! They was even outside kissing while I was outside having a cigerette!!

I left the house as soon as I found the phone with the kids and left him in bed. He found out I had the phone and didnt ring me till last night. I cant speak to him I just cant. I cant believe he has continued with all this while lying to me. I have spoken to the ow at length and told her she is welcome to him il even sent him on to her gift wrapped if she wants! We talked about certain dates that he wasnt with me or wasnt with her and he has been lying to both of us.

The day I left after finding the phone he went straight to see her and told her I was lying and she wasnt to talk to me anymore. He has told her so much crap about me. He rang me once yest but has spent the day bonbarding her with texts saying how much he loves her and apparently when she said to him the kids are most important he told her 'no YOU are the most important person in all this'

Not really after advice I guess as im ringing my solicitor to tell her the update 1st thing tommorow. I was told their relationship starting in october turns out was august!

How can I go about arranging contact with the kids though? I seriously cant speak to him on the phone or il end up loosing it with him and dont want to do that as I havent so far in all this. He even had the cheek to call me 'darling' on the phone! I said to him il arrange all contact from now on through his mum and he is to get her to ring me..can I do this?

[Devendra]

Oh how terrible for you,, What an absolute twat of a man. Of course you can arrange contact through his Mum.. YOU call the shots from now on as he is clearly just a selfish weak man who cannot be trusted. Dont let him manipulate you any more as he will continue to try.. believe me he will. Big hug xx

[dizietsma]

First of all, I'm so very sorry you had to go through this. Your exH sounds like a rat bastard.

"I said to him il arrange all contact from now on through his mum and he is to get her to ring me..can I do this?"

I think that's a fairly good solution whilst things are still feeling so raw, as long as his mum is OK with it and you both resist the urge to make her piggy in the middle.

I'm not divorced, but my parents were, drop off was hell when they were newly separated and some arrangement like this would've helped.

I'm pretty sure there are other ways you can arrange this too, I'm hoping some mums with personal experience can drop in and give you more options.

[junglist1]

This must be so hard for you, especially having your hopes dashed again! I think arranging contact through someone else is a good idea at the moment, till youre able to keep calm around him. Also, make it clear to them that you don't want the other "woman" around your children, because their dad seems like a real p taker, who doesn't think things through.
Also, I wouldn't believe everything she tells you, why would she reveal he told her she was more important than LO's, even if it was true.
Probably to stick the knife in.
Don't worry, this will be tough, and heartbreaking,but you will deal with it, and you deserve better.

[citronella]

i think that one of the hardest things about coming to terms with divorce is that the person you believed in and thought was 'the one' is actually so not.

Your H seems to want to have his cake and eat it and is prepared to go to great lengths to lie to anyone so that he can have it both ways. Totally disrespectful to you and anyone else for that matter.

Just as you already seem to be doing, from now on only do anything on terms that are acceptable to you. I don't listen to or believe anything from xh anymore where it relates to our relationship or divorce arrangements unless I see with my own eyes.

It is sad really because you think you might have a 'friendly' divorce or post divorce relationship and my exh wants that but I don't really trust that either. I digress.

Make your own boundaries that you are comfortable with.
Can you make contact arrangements via your solicitor.

[whatdoyouallthink]

I can imagine him saying that she was more important and actually have a text on his 2nd phone to her that says 'YOU are the most important thing in all this' in reply to her text saying you have to do whats right for your kids.

I actually feel a lot better at having the blanks filled in with the ow and that sick in the pit of my stomach feeling has gone. Comes back when I think of the amount of lies he has told me though but guess it always will.

I just cant bring myself to talk to him at all will I ever be able to? Right now it doesnt feel that way. Feel such a mug. When me and the children got back of hol I done all his washing that was here and when he got up made him tea and breakfast and he was all cuddley with me etc. Eurgh.

I rang his mum by mistake yest and I dont think she knows about all this yet and she asked if I was ok and I said no not really and she sounded quite surprised but I didnt tell her what had gone on. He will now have to sit her down and tell her why I cant bring myself to speak to him and why she has to arrange the contact from now on.

On friday my middle dc asked him if it meant he lived with us again now and he told him yes. He has been all excited all weekend telling family members his dad has come back and now lives with us. When I said to my husband about him telling him this he said that our dc is lying?! He wants to speak to them on the phone but I dont want him to do that just yet as I had to explain to them yest that in fact their dad isnt coming back to live with us and they was upset.

Cant believe its bank hol really need to speak to my solicitor! He has been having the youngest dc overnight when he had the eldest two but now im thinking of stopping that. Youngest is 5months old and when she looked at him after getting back from holiday she cried her eyes out...possibly because she dont know him?

[citronella]

Perhaps you should speak to his mother as well if you want to arrange contact through her.

If he lied so craftily to you and ow he would probably lie to his mother.

How old are your dc?

[solidgoldshaggingbunnies]

Sorry this is happening to you, but at least once you know that a person is completely untrustworthy then it stops you hoping they will change and you know only to deal with them on a limited, facts-only basis. While it;s horrible now it will ease in time and you may well be able to have an 'amicable' distant relationship with him, in contact with him strictly as the father of DC but it will be a case of watching him lurch from other woman to other woman and you thinking, silly old sod's off again, he never will grow up an it won't hurt you any more

[whatdoyouallthink]

dc are 8,4 and 5 months. They have all been going on overnight stays every other weekend. I have no problem with the eldest two going but the fact the youngest took one look at him and his parents and cried makes me think she isnt comfortable with them. She has no problem with strangers normally so it just seems to be them.

[whatdoyouallthink]

Yes I think I do probally need to speak to my mil as I dont think she knows what has happened over the weekend. She tends to want to stay out of it but has said she thinks things are worth working on and how awful it all is for the kids.

Contact through solicitor is also an option. I dont really know how things like that work so am waiting to speak to her tommorow now.

solidgold, that is exactly what he will do and I think even now I would think...poor cow having to put up with him!

[mamas12]

I'm so sorry for you having to go through this. I would reccomend you sit down and have talk with his mother along the lines of keeping contact open with him and his family as YOU don't want them to suffer for his deeds do you. You are the injured one here, she may feel uncomfrtable because he is her son but if she is a reasonable woman she will help becases of the dcs. Also keep her in the loop with information so there is no more lies from him.
Hope he can stay away from you long enough for you to calm down and now crown him.
Good luck

[citronella]

things are worth working on but only until they really aren't working. he is clearly not prepared to work on it enough.
It is awful for the kids but they'll get over it and it could be a lot worse for all of you if you stayed for the sake of what really is just the appearance of a 'together' family but which is actually rotten at the heart.

[whatdoyouallthink]

Oh there is no trying to work things out now not at all. I know how he feels about things now.

[macdoodle]

God it sounds like my story to a tee - secert phone lies and all
I do feel for you - he played yo yo with me and OW for months and months until OW got pregnant and then I did shortly after!
It does and will get better I promise, I am 2-3 years down the line now, and though he is still and arse, i have moved on and have a wonderful new DP who treats me and my DD's like we deserve!
Be strong dont rush anything, do everything in your own time ! Oh and stop talking to the OW, I later discovered that a lot of what she told me and did were all lies and manipulation, dont talk to either of them concentrate on yourself and your DC!

[whatdoyouallthink]

I know it will get better, im actually ok. I havent shed any tears over this new bit of information. I kinda had a feeling that things wasnt 100% with him anyway. I dont think im surprised more relieved that it didnt turn out to just be me being paranoid!

I intend to now just look forward to a whole new life. I do feel like a bit of a mug for all the recent stuff between me and the H cant believe I fell for half the stuff he told me still at least I know better now and will never believe a word he says.

Spoke to the mil to make sure she was ok with contact and guess what? She knew he had the other phone and even had the number so she could ring him on it when the normal mobile went dead!!

[MuffinBaker]

I think the 5 month old is too young to stay with him if she doesn't really know him.

[whatdoyouallthink]

Thats what I thought but to start with gave him the benefit of the doubt. Your right though she dont know him, she was only several weeks old when he left.

[whatdoyouallthink]

Argh was feeling really strong about all this but am now feeling sick in my stomach and havent been able to eat. Have all the why did he do this etc goin round my head.

He was crying down the phone yesterday about how he knows he has hurt me etc and how sorry he is. But I know he is chasing the ow still begging her to be with him. By the sounds of it they are going to end up together now and I know im better of out of it but why cant I get my head round that fact? Have lots of family and friends round me so im not alone but do feel it at times. I look at my dc and think how could he do this yet againt to them. I feel like ive gone back to the start of all this and feel like I did when I first found out. Need to shake this off but dont know where to start!

[HappyWoman]

are you going legal yet? It really does help. You dont have to go fast, but just knowing that you are taking some control (even though you dont want to) is good.

It was the best money i spent during our 'troubled' times - heartbreaking as it was. I cried all the way through the meeting with my solicitor and thought my world had ended. But having done it i know i would have been ok and it really is not as scary as you think. It was the giant kick up the backside my h needed and i honestly dont think he would have made up his mind had i not forced the issue.

we are still together and i partly thank my solicitor for that.

But it is really hard - try not to look at much you have gone back but how each and every day you are doing something for you.
There is no magic cure but it will get easier, take care of yourself. Thinking of you.

[whatdoyouallthink]

Yes have seen a solicitor and he has had the letter saying I want a divorce. He told me it was all going too quick and he wanted to try to work things out and that when I returned from a well needed break with the dc he wanted me to call it off. But he was still seeing the ow during all this time he was saying this to me. He was telling her pretty much the same things as me all the lets just see how we go stuff and how much it wont work with me while he feels like he does about her-its all on the phone I have.

Been trying to speak to solicitor since yesterday morning to update her and find out about contact with the dc but havent been able to speak to them as yet as they have been in court.

I know I have to pull myself together and am looking round at the mess in my house but just dont know where to start! Feel really about it all today...need a giant kick up the arse probally!

[McCharlieMouse]

Hi WDYAT,

I remember you from your posts to my sorry tale of H/ his dithering/ his OW.

I am so sorry to hear that things are not going well. He sounds like a complete w*nker. Try and take some time for yourself and work out what steps you can take to progress things. Seeing the solicitor and starting divorce proceedings was exactly what I needed and I felt much more in control. My h also had the absolute cheek to suggest I was rushing things when I told him I had filed for divorce...! Just remember that you can stop divorce proceedings if things do improve between you and h but in the meantime you need to take some control and try and progress forwards at your own pace.

In terms of conatct with your dc's, I have also struggled to arrange times/ pick ups etc. as I feel so angry everytime I see him and really cannot bear to be in the same room as him. I have resorted to arranging some set days and times all over email (that also helps as its all down in writing and h can't claim he told me he couldn't make sun morning like he did a couple of weeks ago!). My ds is 10 months old and I have refused h overnight contact at present. My solicitor and H's solictor both seemed to think this was reasonable.

I know how hard this must be for you, its been about six weeks for me now since everything finished finally (its been 1 year since h and OW started their affair and 7 months since I found out about it). I have good days and bad days and struggle a lot of the time with the anger and hurt bubbling up. Just take your time, do things at your own pace and take some positive steps from you and dc's. I told h that I was not interested in anything he had to say about me/ the ow/ what he was thinking and the only conversations I will have with him now are about ds and the practicialities of divorce. He has actually stuck to that and hasn't tried to explain anything...which is great because there is no point torturing myself hearing about his pathetic excuses.

Be strong, sending lots of hugs your way. Mostly I can be found lurking in the lone parents section now. There are loads of supportive and strong posts in there if you are struggling.

[whatdoyouallthink]

McCharlieMouse, thanks for your post. I did wonder the other day how things were going with you.

I dont think there will be any stopping the divorce proceedings as him and ow are probally going to make a go of it. There can be no going back for us now with the amount of lies that have been told to myself, my family, his family and the ow. He swore that he wasnt seeing her and still was!

Its good to know that its not unreasonable to refuse youngest to go overnight but I have been letting her upto now so wonder if it might be different? Does your h have any phone contact with the children? He never checks his emails so email is out I think! He said last night how we have to talk to arrange contact but I just cant I end up getting too upset and angry. Not good for me or the dc.

He isnt ringing me or telling me anything he rang last night to speak to the dc but after speaking to them it ended up a row with me putting phone down. I think he knows he cant tell me his problems now although its all very fresh still and all this only came to light the weekend.

Thank you for the support and I think I will check out lone parent board I have popped on it from time to time and lurked around.

[McCharlieMouse]

When I first sat down with h after I found out about his ongoing lies (holiday in Dubai with ow when he told me he was taking time out to think about what he wanted!) I knew I would have problems keeping a lid on it and not hurling abuse, so I sat down the day before with my brother and SIL (who have been absolutely brill and v supportive)and wrote a list of the things I wanted to say. They were all practical things about contact with ds, finances, house and divorce. Having other people to run through it beforehand was really handy as they suggested things to avoid as possible contentious issues and also gave me some confidence that what I was suggesting was perfectly reasonable. The advantage of having a written list in front of you is that you can keep to it, I was so gob smacked when my h said he thought I was rushing things that I completely lost my train of thought and was really glad I had the list in front of me!

I'd suggest you suggest a time/ place to talk (when dc's aren't there)...maybe even somewhere neutral or public? If you take the initiative you'll feel better, rather than responding to his suggestions or being rushed by him. If you aren't ready to speak face to face continue with the arrangement with your MIL. But tell h that you will arrange a time but in the short term it is too difficult for you to see him/ have a conversation.

Not sure about the overnight thing, in some ways you have created a precedent but as dc is only 5 months and was upset last time I'd say that it wasn't unreasonable of you to suggest that it is too much for such a little baby. I am really struggling with the overnight thing, I know it'll happen at some point and it just makes me sick thinking about it, especially as likelyhood of ow being there. I need to keep reminding myself that DS spends the majority of time with me, is a happy healthy little boy who loves his Mum and always will.

It will all get better, for you and for me (well....thats what everyone keeps telling me!!)

[HappyWoman]

Dont worry about the mess - it will still be there tomorrow and when you are ready to tackle it you will. Is there anyone who would lend you a hand? Dont worry about what they will think - you would do the same wouldnt you? How about a massive clear out of his stuff - get yourself something new for the home to make you feel it yours and not his.

I remember getting a box of chocolates and a blanket and curling up on the sofa -feeling shit - and then actually finding myself laughing at something funny on tv. It made me realise i would laugh and be happy again.

Cant believe he says you are rushing it - tell him it can be called off at any time - he knows what he has to do - cut all contact with ow and prove to you he has. He has not been able to do that and so you will not be able to stop the divorce.

Agree about writing down what you want - and try and think about the future too. Nothing is set in stone and try and look for some possitives - you will have your own time where he will wonder what you are up to and you wont have to tell him.

You are in control and he does not like it, but good for you, stay strong.

[whatdoyouallthink]

McCharlieMouse, great advice about writing things down at the moment there is nothing I need to say to him as things will continue as they were previously with regards to house and money. Need a few things done on the house and then get it up for sale. Ive always been the one to say this and he was the one stalling.

Thats what I thought about the overnight stays. One time dc3 went my eldest dc text me saying 'dc3 wont stop crying what should we do'. My h is living with his parents and the last two times I have seen her with them she has cried as soon as she has looked at them as she did with her dad when she saw him last.

I know things will get better at time it is hard to see how though isnt it!

HappyWoman, Tackled eldest dc bedrooms today and had a quick tidy up of toys so things arent so bad. And yes I would do the same for someone else in my position!

Most of his stuff had already been taken back at new year when I found out but the last few black sacks of stuff have been dumped outside for him to collect!

There will be no calling divorce off despite him telling lies in recent months about how it finished with her etc it also has come to light (through the ow) that it didnt start back in October like he swore it was August! The day I found his other phone he didnt ring me to offer any apology or explanation instead went straight to the ow and told her im a liar and under no circumstance should she speak to me. He has since bombarded her with texts every 3or4 minutes of the day. Ive had a text on tuesday morning saying how could he apologise or explain and he knows he has hurt me. That was it.

Like the idea of the chocolates and some good tv sounds like a good plan! Thinking I might take the dc out tommorow if weather stays good and treat them think we all need and deserve it!

Thank you both of you for some great advice!

[HappyWoman]

you do sound more positive - well done. Glad you are able to do a little at least.

Some of my other tips to keep you going.

Read a newspaper - it makes you feel as if you know what is going on in the world and makes your problems seem a little less urgent iyswim.

Try and make a stranger smile once a day - its really good fun as they have no idea how low you are feeling and just seeing someone smile at you does make you feel warm inside.

Exercise - obvious one and makes you feel as if you are doing something.

Do just a little for charity - again it will make you feel there are other problems that you can help with.

Try something new - even if it is just a new recipe.

Take some time each day just for you - you do deserve it.

Keep well and strong you are doing so well.