Serial Attention Seeking flirt SIL - What do I say ?

[Tillyboo]

My brother is having all sorts of problems with his 2nd wife in that she is a serial attention seeking flirt. In the past 2 years there have been 3 cases (two within the last 3 months) of texting/ email flirting that has got out of hand.
Each time my brother has given her the benefit of the doubt with the promise from her that it wouldn't happen again. You may think he's an idiot after the first occasion but he left his first wife & his 2 year old son for his now wife and doesn't want to be in that situation again because it broke his heart to leave his son.

His 1st wife was a cold fish (basically made him choose between her and his family) and after a life threatening illnes my brother decided to leave and find happiness elsewhere. He has always had a loving & close relationship with his first son and spends masses of time with him and does more with him than his mother ! He's a brilliant dad.

This latest episode has sent him reeling and he said if it wasn't for their little boy he'd have left months ago.

Rightly or wrongly I have offered to talk to her this evening as she is now acting as if nothing has happened. We've only just booked a holiday with them next year and supposed to be staying over Christmas with them. I am very close to my brother and hate to see him in this situation.

My dilemma is .. How can I approach her without falling out/ telling her she's a stupid bitch and 'what the hell does she think she's doing?' .. She has a fantastic life, great husband, beautiful & healthy child, in fact everything she could possibly want.

It's like she needs a fix of male attention, it gives her a buzz.

Help !!!!

[LulumamaLovesLatkes]

i don;t think it is your place to be discussing this with SIL. it is your brother's marriage and if he want to sort things, then he needs to meet it head on, not with you as an intermediary IMO

[BaDaBing]

If I were you I would stay well out of it. Let them sort it out between them or finish the relationship. Don't get involved.

[Tillyboo]

I understand what you are saying & if someone had asked me I'd have probably said the same but he has asked me to talk to her as he's tried & tried but to no avail. He really doesn't know what to do and I've always had a good relationship with her so he thought a female to female chat my help ?

She acts as if nothing has happened - self denial ?

She's been spoilt and has been used to getting her own way and whatever she wants. She's got my b over a barrel re the son as she knows he'd find it hard to leave.

What a bloody mess !

[Tillyboo]

You are probably right ... it never works well for a mediator does it

[anyfucker]

keep your beak out

[Tillyboo]

I don't think that was called for !

And your name isn't particularly funny either, just sums up who you are

[WowOoo]

perhaps try to hint and see if she takes the bait and wants to talk about it with you. If you told her your bro was flirting with someone how would she feel?

ooh, i don't know, very tricky. It is his business though and ultimately he has to deal with her.

You don't want drunken fights at Xmas though...or maybe getting it all out in the open would be a good thing.!

[Tillyboo]

Thanks WowOoo. She is a complex character and in my opinion very needy for attention even though she gets plenty from my brother. She's had some councelling but stopped after only a few sessions.

It's a very difficult situation and my brother certainly wouldn't be happy with me chatting to her if he thought it'd cause further problems.

He still loves her just about, but doesn't respect her anymore so how can he stay? But how can he leave his son too ? It's a no win situation I fear.

[WowOoo]

She could be threatend with 'if you don't stop this, you'll lose him', but the trouble is if she doesn't care about that.

I'd feel awful if I were you. My big bro and wife are very smug marrieds but they both flirt a little bit in a very very light hearted 'I love you really' way. Doesn't help, sorry.

Good luck.

[Tillyboo]

Just spoken to b and told him I feel a bit uncomfortable 'cold calling' but during a normal convo with his wife about us going over christmas, I may hint that I know and hope that she opens up.

She wants to go to relate with my b and I've told him he should consider. Trouble is she's blaming her behaviour on him. WTF ????
She really does need a slap with a wet kipper !

Thanks for trying to help tho.

[anyfucker]

tilly, "sums up who I am"???

you don't know who I am

and I do feel you should keep your beak out

if you try to interfere in someone elses relationship, you will get burned

no question about it

not your look-out

[solidgoldbrass]

You are, understandably, on your brother's side in this. However, that doesn't mean that he's a saint and his wife is the only one to blame for the problems in their relationship. If she wants to go to Relate and he is resisting, then that suggests that he is not, in fact, the innocent victim he is telling you he is. Maybe he is enlisting you to 'fix' the issue rather than a detached professional adviser because he has no intention of dealing with any aspect of his behaviour that may have upset his wife.
There is no good outcome that can come from your involvement in the situation. You are not impartial, not a professional, and not in possession of her side of the story.
Tell your brother that while you love him and will support him, a professional counsellor can do far more to fix the situation than you can.

[solidgoldbrass]

Dittany: I don't think the OP said that. I don't think she has stated whether or not her brother had separated from/divorced his first wife before he met the second one.

[Tortington]

its seriously non of your business what goes onin someone elses relationship.

[TrillianAstra]

"She wants to go to relate with my b and I've told him he should consider. Trouble is she's blaming her behaviour on him. WTF ????"

If he isn't happy with how things are then surely he would want to go to marriage counselling with her?

[JodieO]

I think you should stay out of it, it's none of your business; you're his sister, she is his wife. You don't know any more than what he tells you so you only know half the story, sorry but he's hardly going to tell you everything is he. No matter how close you think you are some things are only between husband and wife.

[BigGitDad]

Trouble is you are in a no win situation. If you discuss it with her she will say what business is of yours? Really it is down to your brother to sort out and you just have to be there to pick up the pieces etc. Not alot of fun but that's the way it is. Put yourself in her shoes how would you feel if someone came up and started giving you advice about your relationship??
Good luck though.

[LadyGlencoraPalliser]

You are seeing it from your brother's point of view. Your SIL has a POV too - it may be equally, or even more valid. You don't know. What possible good is your partisan intervention likely to do in this scenario? For a start how do you know about this email flirting that your SIL is allegedly guilty of? Just from your brother? There is quitely likely to be another side to this story but you won't find it out by piling in with both feet to give your SIL the benefit of your 'advice'.

[KristinaM]

i agree with solidgoldbrass

[macdoodle]

they sound like they are both getting what they deserve to me ...that makes me

[MrsThierryHenry]

I think the whole 'keep your beak out' thing is nonsense. We are all connected to each other, why pretend that we're not? At the same time it is important to understand that you cannot, and should not solve this problem for them.

It sounds as though your SIL needs to be told in a straightforward way (but NOT in a way that digs the knife in) what effect her behaviour is having on your bro - i.e. that it's hurting him. You need to reassure her that you're sure it's unintentional, but that at the end of the day that is the effect. That it's all the more delicate a matter considering his relationship history.

LadyGP is right as well about your SIL's side of the matter. It's possible that your bro may have hurt her too, and she could be getting back at him - in an immature way, yes, but nonetheless a hurt is a hurt. If this is the case, both of them have to (1) start being very honest with each other, (2) lay down their egos and apologise openly.

I think you are right to want to help, but you should not 'wade in' as such - help them to get the ball rolling, perhaps, to open up a conversation between them, and then step out and let them deal with it.

[Malkuth]

Have to say my first thought was "what goes around, comes around". He cheated on his first wife and left her and his son, but now he is upset cos it looks like the ow/2nd wife might be doing the same?