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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Does DH ever hurt you when you have sex?

68 replies

ouchthathurts · 15/04/2008 10:04

I've name changed as this is ever so slightly embarrassing. When DH and I have sex, I can only describe it as him banging the living daylights out of me (sorry no polite way of putting it). He seems to want to thrust as deep, as hard and as quickly as possible.

Don't get me wrong sometimes this is great but other times it really hurts and when I say 'ouch' he will slow down for a minute and then just go at it again and I find myself grinning and bearing it.

I've tried broaching the subject with him many times and he just takes offence and gets in a strop. I've told him I'd love for him to make slow sensual love to me but this just goes over his head and he seems incapable of doing anything else other than going at it like a bat out of hell.

The last two times we've done the deed he's really hurt me and it's starting to put me off. In a nutshell, I want to be made love to not f**ked. Any suggestions? Does anyone else have this problem?

OP posts:

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NotQuiteCockney · 15/04/2008 10:07

Oh dear, that's not good, that you can't talk about it. You need to tell him it's putting you off.

Can you talk about it outside of bed? Facing each other, where you can see each other, with no interruptions?

It's possible that going hard and fast is what works for him, to make him finish. But hopefully you can get him to go slow first, if that's what works for you, and then go fast, if that's what works for him (and if you can find a way for it to not hurt you, obviously!).

I assume he's bashing your cervix? The position you're in makes a real difference, to avoid that particular problem. Is the speed a problem in and of itself?

hecate · 15/04/2008 10:08

go on top? Men love this and it means you control the depth etc.

OverMyDeadBody · 15/04/2008 10:09

Could you not just take charge, bwe on top and go slow?

It sounds like you need to tell him it's hurting and puting you off sex, and he needs to change his technique if he wants to keep getting some.

He should be respecting you and taking note of your feelings, I'd be a bit worried if a man was this dismissive of hurting me tbh.

JodieG1 · 15/04/2008 10:12

I agree with the going on top suggestions but this won't solve the problem. He needs to listen to you and respect your feelings. Dh would never want to hurt me and would stop right away if I said ouch.

ouchthathurts · 15/04/2008 10:16

Dh only wants to do positions where he can thrust it in as deep as possible ie. doggy style. Sometimes this can feel like he's going to split me open (sorry not nice I know) because he's doing it so hard.

The speed together with the hard thrusting just makes it feel like it could be any port in a storm, there's no intimacy, ever.

OP posts:

maidamess · 15/04/2008 10:17

that sounds awful! Why do you put up with it? just tell him to stop the minute it hurts. You wouldn't keep banging yourself over the had with a mallet would you, just to please someone else?

JodieG1 · 15/04/2008 10:17

You have to tell him to stop when he's hurting you. If you don't then he has no incentive to not carry on being that way. If every time he hurts you you stop the sex he won't do it for long, he wouldn't get sex otherwise.

fireflytoo · 15/04/2008 10:23

I agree with what everyone else says. Also... do you get any fulfilment despite form the pain?

I would really be upset by this. And you know what...everyone can change how they get their fulfilment. It may take a while to get used to, but you can.

Could you ask him to do it your way once and then seduce him well and truly... get him really excited before he is allowed in - so to speak...and then you go on top. By then you might also like it a bit the way he does?

but whatever you do... this man has to know he is hurting you and that is not right.

hecate · 15/04/2008 10:24

Forget my first suggestion! STOP! Get up, go to the bathroom, make a BIG BIG fuss about how much it hurts. Dig your nails into the head of his penis and ask how he likes that! He's not making love to you, he's not even having sex with you, he's having NOTHING with you. He's using your body like a blow up doll!

fireflytoo · 15/04/2008 10:24

...what I meant of course is that he can change....

fireflytoo · 15/04/2008 10:26

hmmm...what hecate says... and offer to give him a hand job and really yank him (sorry to be crude but it seems to be the language that is appropriate here)

ouchthathurts · 15/04/2008 10:42

I've tried going on top, I always thought that when a woman got on top she sets the pace etc, but when I'm on top I'm doing my thing and he's underneath me thrusting his hips up and down really quickly. So that doesn't slow him down.

In the 3years we've been together I can honestly say that we've had slow, sensual sex twice, the 1st time after his grandmother died and the 2nd after his grandfather died and he had a real need for intimacy and the sex was fab.

Sometimes I do like to have sex his way and no I don't get any fulfilment from the pain.

OP posts:

JodieG1 · 15/04/2008 10:46

Maybe you should show him this thread if you can't talk to him?

JodieG1 · 15/04/2008 10:47

Personally I just wouldn't have sex with him if he treated me like that. I'm make him talk about it too and explain that I don't like being hurt.

fireflytoo · 15/04/2008 10:49

.. I did not mean fulfilment from the pain...I meant despite....in other words, if this is the way he usually goes on... do you ever have an orgasm.

This man really has to face the truth. Really for you and towards him.

doggiesayswoof · 15/04/2008 10:55

Agree with NQC re having a talk out of bed, and also agree that you should stop and get up and leave the room when he does this. Don't let him carry on at all. He needs to get the message.

DH would never ever carry on doing something if I'd said it was painful.

doggiesayswoof · 15/04/2008 10:56

The worst bit is that you can't talk about it with him tbh.

WigWamBam · 15/04/2008 10:57

He can only face the truth if you tell him the truth, and tell him every time without grinning and bearing it. If you just put up with it, he thinks it's OK. Maybe he even thinks it isn't hurting you anymore when you just just grin and bear it.

fireflytoo · 15/04/2008 10:59

I would also ask him why he thinks it's ok...or why he even wants to just please himself. and what WWB says. Tell him everytime. He needs to grow up here.

MotherofUBERboys · 15/04/2008 11:02

HuwEdwards · 15/04/2008 11:05

To answer your question, no my DP does not do this - if he did and it hurt me I would tell him and he would stop.

lackaDAISYcal · 15/04/2008 11:11

sounds like he got his ideas of what constitutes a good lover from watching too many porn films when he was a young 'un.

Does he make sure you're satisfied before he bangs away like this, or is it always a quick, wham bang thank you mam?

I would try to tell him how much this is hurting you, both physically and emotionally, and think that a way to try and fix it would be to not have intercourse for a while, but try to please each other in other ways. Only once you have regained some intimacy and he is aware of what does it for you should he be allowed to put his todger anywhere near you.

I agree that if you put up and shut up, then he won't know any different. men, as much as we would like them to be, aren't exactly the most intuitive souls on the planet.

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MrsMacaroon · 15/04/2008 11:15

If he takes offense, that's his problem... you have to communicate your disappointment at this reaction. It's one thing to unwittingly hurt a partner during sex, it's quite another to keep doing it after being told. Quite shocking really.

I have endometriosis so have ALOT of experience of dealing with pain during sex...doggy style is very painful for me unless my DH is very careful. I have only had a handful of partners but I have never come across anyone who reacted to my pain in this way. You need to be brutally honest with him- 'You are too rough with me during sex and it hurts. Your lack of understanding and sensitivity makes me question our relationship. If you continue to behave this way I will need to think about our future together' is how I would approach him.

How is he as a husband apart from this?

MotherofUBERboys · 15/04/2008 11:19

why does he want to go as deep as possible?
when youve told him that it hurts to go so deep and hard.
tell him his cock is too big for that, he should be pleased, no?

id be sad i think. sounds like he doesnt really have love in mind at all. not that hard sex isn great at times for some,. but all the time? not on.

MotherofUBERboys · 15/04/2008 11:20

what mrsMacaroon said, word for word.

"You need to be brutally honest with him- 'You are too rough with me during sex and it hurts. Your lack of understanding and sensitivity makes me question our relationship. If you continue to behave this way I will need to think about our future together' is how I would approach him."

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