Would you put up with this?

[justonemorecookie]

I am in a horrible situation with my husband. Ill firstly list the things he has done:-

• Run up £15,000 of debt on credit cards and loans without me knowing, but has nothing to show for it.
  
• Lent his brother my credit card, without me knowing, which i thought was at £0 who run it up to the limit and was paying barely minimum a month, changed the address the bill was sent to etc.
  
• Run up further debt of £12,000 (after my parents has cleared the previous debt) without telling me and also nothing to show for it.
  
• Caught him in the toilet with one of his work colleagues at his xmas party, apparently not doing anything, but they were both so drunk.
  
• Assaulted me last summer when he came home drunk.
  
• Got his mum a loan for £6000 without telling me
  
  Anyone think they would put up with this.
  xxxx

[avenanap]

No.

[Shitemum]

I wouldn't put up with this, why are you?

[CarGirl]

No

[SparklyDYSONGothKat]

read it back!! What would you tell another mnetter to do?? I think I know what you would say..

[TheDevilWearsPrimark]

Of course not.

Could it be a gambling problem, or drugs? that seems like an awful lot of money

[hercules1]

It depends on your household income, whether the debt is easily payable as he earns alot. Depends on why he kept it from you. Was it to keep a roof over your heads or for parties?

[ShakeysGirl]

I'd have got rid. If just for the assult if nothing else.

[NAB3wishesfor2008]

What do you want to do?

[justonemorecookie]

You are so right Sparkly, when I read it back it sounds awful and I dont know why I am still there. It used to be because of love, but now i dont even know what that is anymore.
I have a feeling the money was used for gambling. We definitely could not have afforded to pay back any of the debts he run up so without my mum and dad we would have been in deep sh*t.
As for the assault last year. It was bloody awful. I did leave him with dd (nearly 3) but went back after 5 days.
NAB - I would like to leave him but simply havent got the guts to say its over.

[totalmisfit]

Have only read o/p but he's clearly a total a w*nker. Please leave him immediately. Once you have done that should also get on to Experian and find out how you can disasocciate the financial links you have set up with him as he's probably running your credit rating into the ground.

[totalmisfit]

sorry if that sounded flippant. didn't intend it to.

[collision]

No way would I put up with it and you know you should not be putting up with it.

You need to go and get some help so ring CAB and see what they can tell you your rights are etc

He is a bully and you and your dd deserve better. Do you really want her growing up thinking it is OK for men to do this to women? How would you feel if she was going through this with a man? Can you confide in your parents?

[Wisteria]

justonemorecookie - if my dp had done even one of the things on your list (apart from the last one possibly, depending on the circs) then he'd have been out - no question.

As for the being caught in the toilets - probably would have been an almighty row and depending on whether my trust would ever be restored I probably wouldn't have been able to move on from that either.

He sounds scarily like my xp who ran up £80k of credit card debts. Get rid, now.

He's already assaulted you when pissed - who's to say it won't be one of the dcs next?

Sorry - harsh but true

[Buda]

By staying you are saying that his behaviour is OK.

Would you have support if you were to leave him? It sounds like your parents are supportive.

[notalone]

for you justonemore cookie. Sounds like you are in a horrible situation. Lets talk practicals. Is your house rented or mortgaged and whos name is it in? Would your parents support you if you kicked him out / decided to leave? What is it that scares you about telling him? If its violence you can ask for police support while you tell him to leave / get your things together. If its because you are scared of being on your own you need to ask yourself this - do you feel worse at the thought of still being together 5 years down the line or at the thought of being on your own 5 years down the line? Also what sort of father is he?

I know its a lot of questions but if we can all unravel your situation we can do our best to give you not only support but also practical advice too.

[SparklyDYSONGothKat]

My DH always says that he knows if he ever laid one finger on me, I would be gone with the kids. If he ever assulted me, I wouldn't be here a year later.. please get help.

[Buckets]

The fact that nothing has changed since you forgave him for assaulting you is proof that you can't help him and he is toxic for your family. For your kids' sake move out, they need a strong parent and he is not one, it has to be you.
Are you tenants or homeowners? You need to find out how up to date your rent/mortgage payments are, you may be one step away from eviction/repossession without knowing it. If you're a tenant you won't be able to get your/his name off the lease if there are arrears.
Your parents sound nice, you may have to bite the bullet and move in with them while you sort out anything with your name on it (inc your marriage).

[Buckets]

BTW is his mum's loan in your name? Or is it in her name and she's not seen a penny of it?

[Buckets]

And you could always report your credit card stolen.

[LIZS]

ina word , no . He obviously has a problem, maybe gambling ro alcohol , maybe not, and chances are this isn't the full picture of his debt and behaviour. He either comes clean now , gets help so you have a chance of trusting him again, or you have to face the possibility that this is crunch time . sorry.

[fiona76]

I think the fact that you wrote this thread means you are ready to do something about it. Thats a hell of a lot of money and not to mention the assault.

Get support from those around you and be strong it will suck in the the short term but in a few years it will be history and you will be able to move on and make a good life for your family.

Good luck!!

[justonemorecookie]

We live in tied accomodation with his job. So i would have to leave, which is awful as its our home. He is a fantastic father when he wants to be.
Buckets: The loan is in my husbands name, and she also admitted that it was he's aswell.

[Wisteria]

he is a fantastic father when he wants to be

Parenthood isn't optional IMO once you have had the child and it also doesn't depend on your mood.

Sweetheart - get out - you will be not only more financially secure on your own (even if you had less money) but at least you'd know where you stand and there'd be no nasty surprises. Can you move in with your parents or family at all?

Contact the CAB or a decent solicitor and get your name off as much joint finances as is humanly possible. The problem is, if things are in joint names then you remain liable for 50%, however unfair it seems.

[moondog]

No