M.I.L. Madness

[batey]

Just thought I' start this for anyone else, like me, who needs to let off some steam. Recently had my mother-in-law staying, who on the 1st day took it upon herself to re-arrange my kitchen draws!!! To the extent that I couldn't find things I use every day. Even my mum wouldn't do that!! I know it's not a big thing and done with good intentions but it really irks me. I just wouldn't do that in someone elses house!! Anyone else got similar experiences? P.S. Dh couldn't understand how I felt at all!!

[SofiaAmes]

wow that sucks. Then again, my mil, is so busy chainsmoking or trying to get to the pub when she is visiting that I don't think she even knows where my kitchen drawers are! Typical son/male reaction that your dh doesn't understand.

[LiamsMum]

Batey I have to admit that my own mother did something like this to her daughter-in-law (my brother's wife). We all went over to my brother & SIL's place for a barbeque one day, and my mother noticed how their house wasn't quite as clean & tidy as it normally is. (I think they'd had a difficult couple of weeks and my SIL probably wasn't overly concerned with the housework that day). My mother, about 5 minutes after arriving, gets out the floor cleaner and starts cleaning the hallway floor. My poor SIL walked in and just said "What are you doing....?" I think she was very taken aback. She was quite good about it but I know she probably felt insulted, I know I would have been if it was my MIL. My mum thought she was just being helpful but somehow I just don't think she could see it from the other point of view!!!

[aloha]

I do think this is the huge problem in being a MIL - my ex-boyfriends grandchildren, daughter in law who resents me - aargh! On the other hand, have been infuriated by mine (& she really does mean well...)

[aloha]

sorry, ds on my lap ''playing with the computer'! meant to say, I think sometimes it's a hard job being a tactful MIL - things you'd accept as helpful from your own mother are hugely infuriating from a MIL - and as a mother of a son I am dreading that one day I will be a MIL, perhaps not seeing the grandchildren as much, with a resentful daughter in law. My ex-boyfriend's mum used to defrost our fridge etc, which I found hugely insulting, but if my mum had done it I would have thought it helpful. That's not to say that sometimes they don't totally overstep boundaries but I think sometimes we (myself very much included) look for insults when none are intended. That said, I'd hate my kitchen rearranged!

[SueDonim]

Aloha, thank you so much for some understanding of MILs. I recently became one and it has the potential to be a minefield. Luckily, we all get on fine atm!

But never fear, being congenitally lazy myself, I won't be rearrnaging her kitchen - just demanding breakfast in bed every day.

[bogan]

Nice to know that other people have mil problems. My mil has gone out of her way to make me feel unwelcome in her home and like I am a bad mother since my d was born. Then complains cause she doesn't see my d as much; even after I explained why.

[SimonHoward]

I wouldn't say I have had too many problems with my MIL but there have been times when there was a clash of cultures (mainly over what her 2nd and then 3rd husbands were like) and also over the fact that she seems to prefer her children living within a few miles of her otherwise the offers of help that she gives out seem to dissappear when we try to accept them.

All in all I just try to stay out of the MIL's way and that makes it life a lot easier.

[Queenie]

My MIL would say she is probably a huge help to her dil's. She is the sort to over fuss but the problem is that if it was my mother doing it I could say STOP but if I was to say that to her she would be offended and say I was only trying to help. When my dd was born MIL and FIl came for 10 days (too long) which turned to 3 weeks without asking if that was OK. I was at my wits end as they just sat around the house and never went out. MIL would grab dd at every opportunity even when I would be in the middle of breast feeding - she would say as I went to swap boobs - oh she's had enough I'll take her now. She didn't like the fact I was bfeeding as she wanted to help bottle feed. If I went for a sleep with the baby she would come in to the room and wake me to see if I wanted tea!! If my mother had done this I could have had an argument or something to release the tension. My DH was working 7.00 am to 8.00 pm during this time including weekends so could not understand my problem. I was very low at this time and look back with resentment. This should have been a happy time for me. I am pregnant again now and cannot think about them coming again though I know they will - she is already discussing coming and I have 3 months to go. This time though I will say what I feel and stuff the fall out.

[PamT]

Queenie, what a nightmare. Perhaps you should discuss your feelings with your DH and then get the first word in and say that you are going to have some time to yourselves as a family when the new baby arrives but you will visit them as soon as you get yourselves organised. I know that I didn't want anyone to come and butt in when I was adjusting to motherhood (all 3 times) but it might have been nice if someone had taken the other children out for a few hours (to give me some peace for a while). I remember when my MIL visited me in hospital when I was still groggy from the general anaesthetic that I had with DS2s emergency section, I just turned my back on her and went to sleep, though I do feel slightly guilty now. My MIL was in her 70's when I had my children and was very old fashioned, she never interfered in household matters but would offer advice on childcare (I didn't argue, but didn't always use it either). We had one or two fall outs but I always thought it better to bite my tongue which made me feel quite bitter towards her sometimes. I did feel rather guilty when she died because I hadn't been nicer to her.

I feel really sorry for those of you who have had MIL taking over the house/doing housework. Its bad enough feeling tired, sore, rough etc without someone else reminding you that you haven't kept up with the housework as well. I think if they ask if they can do anything for us we should gratefully accept and give them something to do - it makes them feel useful and also helps us, but don't ever feel guilty for not having a showhome when you've just arrived home with a new baby.

[AllyWB]

Where do I start. My MIL recently asked me, when I was heavily pregnant, "so when's this child due" - she genuinely did not know - my reply - next week!

When I was in hospital about to have the first(waiting for a CSection) she had to defrost her freezer before coming to visit me.

My first child was a boy and she insists on buying girly clothes and presents. My second(now 6 weeks old)is a girl and she bought vests with creepy crawly insects on!!!

She asked to have my son to stay 2 weeks after the arrival of the 2nd child and was offended when I said that he shouldn't stay overnight with them (they only live around the corner) because I didn't want him to feel pushed out with the new baby. When she did take him out for the day, I sent spending money and she made him pay for his own rides at Blackpool. I thought grandparents were supposed to spoil the child? Could go on forever, but my mother can be just as weird.

[ionesmum]

I don't have a Mil as such as dh's mother did a bunk when he was in his early teens. I have a step-Mil which is much easier - she cares enough but doesn't interfere. However, since dd has been born we had to contact dh's mother as he knew she had an allergic reaction to a vaccine as a child. We asked his brother to ask her what vaccine it was as we were worried about dd. Her reaction was, "tell them to p**s off. Why should I help them out?" Believe me, I'd love to have a Mil who rearranged my kitchen drawers because she loves her son. (Although I can imagine how infuriating it must be!)

[eli]

ionesmum - poor you and your dh. He must feel terribly rejected again. re the vaccine it must be a worry for you. Have you checked your Dh's childhood medical notes, if they are available, because there might be some mention there that he might be vulnerable?

allywb - just an aside on the MIL's spending. My SIL has billed us in the past for: copies of snapshots of my stepson's bar mitzvah, 2 pairs of socks that she bought for him AND a jar of peanut butter! BTW we had not asked her for any of them, they were presented like gifts and then we were given the bill!

[Natt]

Does anyone have the opposite mil situation? - mine hardly ever visits here, never offers to help with anything, has never babysat, is clueless with babies, toddlers. She and fil just demand state visits at their own convenience during the course of which he in particular comments adversely on way son is dressed, what he eats, whatever... Expecting new baby v shortly and was wondering if it would be ok to put off visit from them for a week or two - thgey are aways reproachful about insufficient visits to them, critical of state of flat etc etc (more him than her - tried to air this with him once to no avail). what do people think?

[angharad]

Put them off and don't worry! MIL fortunately lives on the other side of the country but still manages to imply we should visit her etc..esp as we see loads of my mum. Thing is DH can't cope with her for more than an hour at a time and it is HIM who won't have her to stay (although she has told everyone it's me!). Classic line after DS1 was born "oh, I was itching to come to Cardiff and see him but I had the most dreadful migraine and couldn't do a thing", such as return DH's dutiful phone call..
Honestly, just say you want some time to settle everyone into the new routine (you and DH included) and make sure your DH tells her!

[Queenie]

Personally, I am going to try and put off a visit for the first month of my new baby's life. I will have a toddler to consider and do not need the hassle quite frankly or the help as it wasn't much last time. She cooked dinners for her son's arrival home but never changed a nappy or put any laundry in the machine and used to suggest I went to Tesco's with her husband while she looked after the baby - I got out of this as I was b/feeding and said we couldn't be parted. What I can't understand is if someone wants to be "helpful" why can't they ask what you would like them to do? This would save alot of misunderstandings and resentments. By butting in and busying themselves it is interferance no matter how well intentioned.

[Melly]

Oh Batey, know exactly how you feel. My MIL is great in some respects but boy does she know how to interfere in an oh so subtle way, you know the sort of way that makes her son wonder why his wife is making such a big thing of it all.
Keep smiling it is very common and I sympathise 100%

[ionesmum]

eli - fortunately my bil had a go at his mother until she told him (it was TB.) What is really sad is that I thought she'd want to see our dd and was prepared to argue in favour of this with dh. Well, now I know that his opinion of her was right all along.

[SueG]

My MIL is driving me crazy at the moment by continually going on about when we plan to have a second child - keeps on telling dh on the phone that we should wait a while (our ds is 11 months and we aren't even trying for a second yet, in fact we've just moved and aren't even practising, but that's another story! The point is it's none of her business!) She visited the other day and told me I was "run ragged" (which I'm not) and expressed her disbelief that I even wanted more children. It might sound petty, but I'm really getting fed up with her meddling and am a lot less keen to see her that I used to be. Grrrrrr! I feel better now! Thanks!

[Bozza]

Having jsut contributed to the Had Enough thread I think a lot of MILs (mine included) would have been better off ensuring their sons were set up for independent living (ie able and expected to cook, iron and various other household tasks)so that they were better able to give us the support required and there would be no need for an interfering MIL.

Since having DS I have been aware that I will potentially one day be an MIL and I am determined to do the best thing I can for my future DIL by teaching DS to pick up after himself, iron and cook. I have suggested that his Dad join the cookery lessons. I made tuna mayonnaise salad the other day and DH said he wouldn't have a clue where to start. Bung tuna, mayonnaise, onion, cucumber and sweetcorn in a bowl and mix. I ask you....is it really that difficult?

[winnie1]

Bozza, I hate to say it but I really think you have hit the nail on the head. Too many little boys have been brought up never being taught how to look after themselves! It really is up to us (mothers and fathers) to demand that our sons and daughters can do all of these things. And before anyone says it I know all men aren't rubbish at the day to day stuff (I am married to a man who just gets on with what needs to be done) but it really does annoy me when men are seen as exceptional for doing the boring-necessary bits and women are just expected to get on with it! If my mother tells me one more time how lucky I am ... I really shall scream!!!!!

Having said that my mil has no concept of who her son is anyway (what she thinks he's like is so off the mark its offensive) so I have to concede that people aren't always a product of their environment!!

[winnie1]

Batey, I meant to say you'll probably never know if it was done with good intentions or not but you do have the right to feel miffed! Bloody cheek and as for dh not understanding how you feel...Urrrrrrggggggh!!!!!! I am not sure how easy it would be for you but nip it in the bud and don't let her do any such thing in the future without your saying something to her. I am sure she would be furious if you did a similar thing in her house. Maybe you should suggest returning the 'favour' it if it happens again after you've asked her not to interfere?

[leese]

Whem I got married, my mil was appalled that we weren't having my dh's neice as a bridesmaid. Having never wanted that sort of pretty little bridesmaid look (my sister and best friend wore M&S dresses!), I stood my ground. She told me I was being totally selfish (I was), and it wasn't just my day, but Stephanie's (neice) day too! Not quite sure how she worked that one out....
Get on fairly well now, just her hypochondria grates after awhile. whenever dh rings her, its always "Hi mum, how are you", then the whiney reply "Oh, you know, alriiiiiiiggggggghhhhhhttt" in very exxagerated fashion, followed by tale of all her latest aches and pains...

[batey]

Puts my kitchen drawers into perspective eh! Do they not get/want any help??