Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Could really do with some advise (abusive relasionship)

(40 Posts)
on123 Wed 13-Jul-16 15:57:29

I have just left a 5 year abusive relasionship.

I've tried to leave many times before but I always miss him too much or just start believing him again and come back.

After hurting me again, and slashing my tyres so I couldn't leave I had to get the police involved to physically remove him.

I really want to do this for real this time but I'm terrified that any minute now il start to regret it again and give in to his words.

I'm only 20 years old, and thanks to the relasionship I don't really have many friends left to speak to, I could really do with some advise from someone who has been there before, and let me know how they got through it, and if it's normal to get these feelings.

We have a beautiful little girl who I'm focusing on but I'm concerned when she's gone to bed etc all those emotions will come back.

Thank you in advance,

X

FreeFromHarm Wed 13-Jul-16 18:03:01

Sorry you are going through this, so are you safe and away from him now ?

Resilience16 Wed 13-Jul-16 22:09:00

Well done for getting yourself and your daughter away from this abusive relationship.
Coming out of any relationship is scary, coming out of an abusive one is even more so when the abuse has become your "normal" and your self esteem has been totally ground down.
If someone loves you they don't hurt you. You and your daughter deserve better. Are you somewhere safe? If you are in the family home can you get locks changed or leave the key in the lock inside so he can't get in. Do you have any family or friends for support?
Speak to women's aid for practical advice about exiting an abusive relationship. Also CAB for legal advice and advice about any benefits you may be able to claim. If you just need to vent you can ring the Samaritans, you don't need to be suicidal, you can just use them as a listening ear.
Focus on the reasons you have left him, rather than the "good times" . Don't be fooled by his sweet talk or tears, if you go back the abuse will most likely escalate, and it will be harder and harder to get away. Think of your daughter, if not yourself. She deserves to be in a home free from harm.
You can do this. Hugs for you x

Darnmysocks Wed 13-Jul-16 22:19:09

I think it's totally normal to 'weaken' and want to go back, everyone wants to believe the best of the person we love/loved and it's scary facing a 'new' life rather than sticking with what's familiar. You have to ask yourself though, is going through a short period where things are new and scary (and it won't feel like that for long, it's amazing how quickly 'new' becomes 'normal') really worse than repeating the same pattern (you know, where he's sorry and things are better for a bit until it all goes bad again) over and over until you've finally had enough and you end up having to do the new and scary bit in the end anyway, just having wasted more months or possibly years before you get there. He won't change, you know he won't change and if you go back now you will be back here again at some point, that's the thought you have to hang on to when you feel yourself weakening. We only get one life and it really isn't that long, don't waste a second more of yours on something you already know is a lost cause. You deserve better than that and so does your DD, focus on her and stay strong flowers

on123 Thu 14-Jul-16 09:07:13

He is beginning me to forgive him and to give him a fresh chance. He won't stop crying, or do anything with himself according to his family. Do you think people can change if there really given a wake up call like this?

on123 Thu 14-Jul-16 09:07:33

begging* sorry

Resilience16 Thu 14-Jul-16 09:39:59

In my experience, no. Saying they are going to change and then actually doing it are two different things. Past behaviour is a good indicator of future behaviour. If he admits he is abusive and enrolls and attends a course for abusers then there might be some real intention to change. But the crying and begging is just a ploy to get you back. If he is serious about changing tell him to seek help for his abusive behaviour, and once he has done this you might consider a future together. Until you see some actual steps being taken to address his issues then do not take him back.
Words are cheap. I can pretty much guarantee he will try to sweet talk you/guilt trip you til you take him back then continue abusing you. (And I'm betting he has probably done this in the past too.)This isn't about loving you and wanting to be with you, it's about controlling you.
Please don't delude yourself x Walk away from this dangerous situation.You deserve better.

PatriciaHolm Thu 14-Jul-16 09:42:10

He's had many many "wake up calls" though, hasn't he. And he ignores all of them.

He's an abuser and he knows this sob story (literally) works on you.

Is this the kind of relationship you want to model to your daughter? If she were suffering like you, what would you want her to do?

ElspethFlashman Thu 14-Jul-16 09:42:51

Yes I am also betting this is not the first time he has cried and begged.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 14-Jul-16 10:16:13

So it's all about HIM!
He's not bothered about you and how you feel and what you want.
He just wants his punch bag back in line.
Do NOT fall for his crap.
Let his family deal with it.

As a PP said, if he really wants to change HE will look into ways of doing this.
And an abusers course is a good start.
BUT...... It's a bit BUT..... He cannot be with his 'victim' while he is undergoing the programme.
Also, as a word of huge caution, only a small percentage of abuser come out of the course any better.
Some just don't change.
Some learn to abuse in different ways.
At his age, if he is a similar age to you, he won't change.
You keep taking him back so why should he change?

Please please understand that this relationship is abusive for your DD.
She will likely grow up being a 'victim' just like you or she will become an abuser just like your vile ExP. Break that cycle. Only YOU can do it.
You KNOW you deserve better.
Get some outside support to help you through all of this.
Start off with Womens Aid 0808 2000 247
Keep calling them until you get through.
At age 20 you can save yourself and live a good life within healthy relationships. The one you are in will NEVER be healthy.
When you talk to Womens Aid, sign up to do their Freedom Programme.
This will really help you with future relationships, spotting red flags, setting boundaries, and will do wonders for your self esteem.
If you feel yourself being 'hooverd' back in (google it) then contact Social Services.
They won't allow you to return to your abusive Ex and keep your DD so they can be a huge support for you and your DD.

You are way way to young to be dealing with abuse like this and your DD doesn't deserve to have to live with it.
Block, ignore and delete him from everything.
If you need support with regards to benefits and housing then contact Citizens Advice and book an appointment.
They can help you with all of it.

Do NOT think you cannot do this without him.
YOU CAN and you will!
We can all help and support you through this.
If you feel tempted to contact him, come on here and vent. Or write what you want to say to him. Just don't contact him.
Keep well away.

Your DD does not deserve this life and neither do you!

on123 Thu 14-Jul-16 11:53:36

I just wanted to say thank you so much for all of your messages.

I don't really have anyone to speak to so it helps me everytime im feeling low and debating my decision to read these messages, I might even print them and put them on my wall!

He has said he is signing up to get help today - I hope he does, if not for my benefit maybe for a future partner he has.

It's very difficult, we have been together, and lived together since we were in our late 14's. I have built my entire life with him and everything we have done we have done together.

I am safe, and the police have told me he cant enter the house without my permission, which has given me some comfort.

I think my problem is I always see the good in people and I wanted to be the one who could help him get through these issues he has, but as you say - it's got to a point where I am so miserable, and it must be having a knock on effect on my daughter - who is the most important thing in my world.

Thank you again,

hellsbellsmelons Thu 14-Jul-16 15:01:43

I wanted to be the one who could help him get through these issues he has
Google 'co-dependency' you will find yourself in there.
You are a rescuer.
Well you have a DD to think of now and she is the only person you should be rescuing (apart from yourself).
He's a grown and up and needs to man up.
And you do not need to take him back - ever!!!
Rehab for abusers takes minimum a year!!!
So he should not be hounding you to come back after 1 session.
In the sessions (if he actually attends) they will tell him he should not be with you until he is sorted.
Like I say - a year - minimum!

You sound stronger already which is really positive.
Don't forget to get some RL support. Womens Aid can also point you in the direction of local support services for you.

You've been with this guy since a teen.
You don't even know who YOU are yet.
Blossom now and find yourself.
What hobbies do you like?
What clothes do you really love?
What career do you want?
Do you want to further your education?
So many things for you to do and discover right now.
The world is your oyster.
Do not let an abusive man into it - ever again!
Good luck.

on123 Fri 15-Jul-16 08:05:34

I'm not going to lie I am really struggling this morning. More so because it's just so hard this way, I feel guilty that he has no place to be and no money or anything, I've always looked after him. It seems like an easier option to just give him one last chance.

I am trying to focus hard on my Job, I am already a trainee solicitor and have worked very hard to be here, and probably haven't been focusing as much as I should have recently on it with everything going on so I'm going to try and through myself into that.

I just know I am so weak when it comes to him, I don't think it's because how much I love him, as honestly after everything he's done I'm not sure if I do anymore.. But I still care about him a lot, and it feels so weird doing life without him there, and sharing our daughter together - he has always been a wonderful dad to her.

It may seem easy enough to think that he's just an abuser, but it's hard to forget he probably has many reasons as to why he's like this. His mother beat him all his adolescent life, his father drank himself to death when he was 15.

I wish you could just flick a switch and all the feelings would go!

Sorry this rant probably makes no Sence to anyone at all sad my head is very confused

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 15-Jul-16 08:24:36

"I feel guilty that he has no place to be and no money or anything, I've always looked after him. It seems like an easier option to just give him one last chance"

Why do you feel guilty?. He has never shown you any real consideration here. He has actively abused you throughout. All this person cares about is him; he thinks you are still a mug and hopes you are stupid enough to take him back.

I would read up on co-dependency in relationships if you have not already done so; you seem co-dependent when it comes to relationships and that is in itself very damaging. You cannot act as either a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship and you have tried to be both to him. I read that he has had an abusive childhood but many people also have rotten childhoods and not go onto abuse the people they purport to love.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

He does not love you (infact I would think he hates women, all of them starting with his mother) and he does not know the meaning of the word. I doubt very much that you know what love is either mainly because no-one ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is like. You met this person (well he really targeted you) when you were 15 and had no life experience behind you. He has seen you basically as someone to use and exploit and will continue to do so if you at all let him back in. That is not the relationship lesson you want to be teaching your DD.

I would also seriously now start and start the long and difficult process of unlearning those damaging lessons. Contacting Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and enrolling on their Freedom Programme would be an excellent idea as well and will help you go forward.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 15-Jul-16 08:42:20

It takes many 'victims' of abuse an average of 8 attempts to finally leave.
How many have you had so far?
How many chances have you given him?
You say he has no money. WHY?
Look up the term 'cocklodger' as well.
He's a pisstaking abusive asshole.
Please keep yourself and your DD away from him.
If he wants to better himself then HE can do it.
Only HE can do it. And he is the one who needs to look into it and get on the best courses and the best support he can for his needs.
YOU cannot save him!!!
Stop trying.
Save yourself and most of all save your DD.

ProcrastinatingSquid2 Fri 15-Jul-16 08:50:42

You're right that he's probably the way he is because of his abusive mother. Abuse does tend to repeat itself down the generations, so please don't let him back. You don't want your daughter to be on here in 15 years time being abused by her boyfriend because she witnessed you putting up with it for years. You need to set her a good example of what's acceptable in a relationship.
Also by letting him back, you'd be enabling him, playing along with his narrative that it's acceptable because you're accepting it. He won't seek help while you're doing that.

on123 Fri 15-Jul-16 09:19:58

The worst thing is, I know what your saying and I completely get that everything that's happened is wrong. It's like there are 2 sides to my brain, one that thinks common sense and the other one that seems to want to give him a chance.

You don't think that it would be wise to give him a chance and if he slips up once - even speaks to me the wrong way then I give up finally? I feel like im definatley strong enough to do that.

I think that the emotional abuse would come back first, as this was what was constant, and then it would escalate into physical. So if I saw the emotional side coming back, even in the slightest way - I could leave before it escalated. And im not stupid, I know if that did happen that I would not tell him I was going to leave or react, I would simply wake up the next morning and go whilst he was still asleep.

Im probably going off on one now, but these are the things im thinking about in my head.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 15-Jul-16 09:56:12

You don't think that it would be wise to give him a chance and if he slips up once
NOPE!
You give him a chance when he's done a course and when he's had some counselling.
You give it at least 6 months because NO-ONE can change that quicky.
His behaviour is deep routed. He HATES women.
It's that simple. Just because you cave and give him YET another chance means he doesn't even have to change or try to change.
Let him be for a while. Let him get some help and support.

Once he's been through it all you could maybe give him a chance. Hopefully you will have moved on by then and realised your self worth.

Please call Womens Aid. They can help you through this tough time.
It's really hard to keep away in the early days.
Womens Aid!!!! 0808 2000 247 - call them now!!!

ElspethFlashman Fri 15-Jul-16 10:07:53

What you're saying is "if he tortures me once, I will simply end it".

Cos ending it has been so easy this time? Previous times?

You are proposing setting up an experiment where YOU are the guinea pig? Seriously??

C'mon now. Give yourself a good kick up the arse. You've been here before.

ursuslemonade Fri 15-Jul-16 10:20:33

He might not start with the verbal abuse but straight away with physical. And then you might not wake up in the next morning to get out.
As PP said, don't experiment with it. He had plenty of chances to change.
He has no money? Well it's his fault. He treated you all like crap.
Please be strong and don't go back.
You will regret it.
You are so young, you can and will rebuild your and your daughters life without him. A much better one.

ursuslemonade Fri 15-Jul-16 10:23:14

Seriously you are considering going back to live with someone who has abused you constantly (your words) Please don't do it. Think of your dd.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 15-Jul-16 11:28:31

"The worst thing is, I know what your saying and I completely get that everything that's happened is wrong. It's like there are 2 sides to my brain, one that thinks common sense and the other one that seems to want to give him a chance"

I think you need to give yourself a good kick up the arse, how many more chances do you want to give this individual who is no good for you. You cannot love someone like this better, it does not work like that and he hates women, all of them starting with his mother. You really do need to listen to the common sense part of your brain, if you were responding to someone else you would be telling them the same. You're training to be a Solicitor so you have some smarts.

Womens Aid as well can and will help you here; you have to make that first step to actually call them on your own. Once that is achieved (and the first step is often the hardest to take) then it will become less daunting.

Please get your co-dependency issues now properly addressed through counselling. Someone (likely one of your own parents) taught you how to be co-dependent. At the very least on this matter read "Codependent No more" written by Melodie Beattie.

Life with this individual who targeted you is no life for you or your DD, you cannot afford to teach her such damaging relationships lessons (as you yourself I daresay were taught). Unfortunately no-one bothered to protect you but you have a child now as well to consider. Do not inflict this man on your child, you need to protect her as well from him.

differentnameforthis Fri 15-Jul-16 13:16:17

The more chances you give him, the more chances he gets to abuse you.

It escalates too, the more you go, the more he will punish you for daring to leave him.

The truth is, women die at the hands of an intimate partner EVERY week. Children are made motherless EVERY week. Children are also abused, killed even, by the very person who is supposed to protect them.

PLEASE do not let you & your daughter become the part of the statistics. You have your whole life ahead of you. This man does NOT love you. This is NOT love.

Please take care of yourself, be strong against his false tears & begging. they are NOT genuine. They are manipulation, designed to make you think that he is truly sorry, and truly regrets what he has done. He doesn't. It's a very common cycle in DV cases.

Resilience16 Fri 15-Jul-16 21:04:21

On123, reading your posts I feel so sad that you think so little of yourself and your daughter that you are willing to step back into the lions den, with a bloody big sign round your neck saying "eat me".
You say your partner had an abusive childhood. That may explain why he thinks it is ok to be abusive to you now, but it does not excuse it. He chooses to abuse you because he doesn't love you and he doesn't respect you . The tears, and entreaties now are all part of the same controlling, manipulative behaviour as the threats and violence.
Please please please listen to the good advice you are being given on here. He doesn't deserve any more chances. But you and your daughter deserve the chance to escape this toxic relationship now while you can.
Do it for her sake, if not for your own..

YouOKHun Fri 15-Jul-16 22:07:43

"But I still care about him a lot, and it feels so weird doing life without him there, and sharing our daughter together - he has always been a wonderful dad to her".

But he's not a wonderful dad is he? He abuses you, her mother. And down the line, what if your daughter plays up, how will he respond to that? You HAVE to stay away. Re-read these responses whenever you feel like giving him another chance to abuse you. Please, please seek outside support from Women's Aid.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now