Brief history, married young, 3DC, same stupid story of SAHM so ex could build his business, intending on going back to work when DC were at school. Until the day when DH walked out after an affair and I realised how fucking stupid and naive I'd been. I was so poor, literally breadline poor, debts in my name, 3 kids to look after, no work history or further education. Just a bloody big mess really.
So I made some changes, went to college and did my access course, paid my debts off little by little and applied for uni. Still as poor as ever but felt like I was getting somewhere on my own, the first time in my life I didn't rely on a man to support me.
Just before college I met now current DP. We'd been together for a year and a half when I started uni and on the day I went to enrol ....positive pregnancy test. It was like my worst nightmare. I'd just got out of all the baby stuff, youngest was at school, I was finally starting uni and I was pregnant again. DP had no children and I loved him. I didn't want to have an abortion as I knew in future he would want a child of his own, it was do or die for Th relationship really so I went ahead with the pregnancy.
I managed 8 months of my first year before I had to drop out as DD was born.
So here I am today, 4DC, still no job or education. Relying on a man who could walk out at any moment to support me.
When DP moved in I obviously came off all benefits so he supports the household. I get basic maintenance from ex and a small amount of CB as DP is a high earner. Which is fine as long as we are together.
And I feel like shit. Like I've done nothing with my life but look after kids so men can go out and get themselves a career.
DP is generous but I still feel like I'm going cap in hand to him everytime I need some money. He pays the bills at the beginning of the month and then any money I need I have to ask for. He won't add me on his account as I have bad credit from before and he doesn't want to be financially tied to me on paper. He wouldn't and hadn't ever said no to giving me money. Card details are stored on the laptop so I can food shop. He'll ask me each day if I need his bank card that day and leave it with me.
But it's shit you know? At 35 to have to say oh can you leave the car because I'd like a new top or some diesel etc.
And I have this nagging feeling like I've royally fucked up my life, saddled myself with another baby (who is lovely etc etc), still not achieved anything and am dependent on a man for everything.
And he still has his life, he goes out regularly to the gym and sports and night out and I feel like crap asking him to watch all 4 DC so I can go out because he gets stressed with them messing around and I feel guilty about it and 4DC is hard work I made my bed etc etc.
I've been applying for jobs recently and haven't got one interview yet. Real entry level stuff but nothing. And I've wasted my potential, I got all distinctions at college and all my essays at Uni were over 70%. But I'm still sat here wiping bums and picking up toys which I've been doing for 12 years and bollocks to anyone who says there is real long term value in that because there isn't. If there was then men would bloody do it.
I've been an utter fool letting myself get back in this situation and I can't see a way out. I can't go back to uni as I won't get funding. I can't get a job because I have fuck all experience.
Feel like my life is one big mess.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
I really feel like I've fucked my life up
Sandyshore · 05/06/2016 23:43
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