Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

He's got an STD

(53 Posts)
Completelyknackered Wed 25-May-16 14:31:54

Met up with an old flame in 2014 through a course at uni. We hit it off, I'd been single 6 months. Next thing I know I'm pregnant, big shock, was on contraception, obviously didn't work. Had the STD chat as we were ditching condoms, said he was clear, knew I was.

Told him the shocking news that I was pregnant, he accepted, but then told me he has herpes. I thought it must have just shown up as I know it can lay dormant. Basically had to have blood tests to see if j carry the virus, and was told no sex by the doc. I carry the cold sore virus hsv1 so expected that. HSV2 was negative (what he has).

Anyway time went on and I realised he knew about the fact he carried it at the start of the relationship. I was livid! Told him f**k off.

Fast forward had DS, ended up having a heart to heart with the Ex p and was told he was scared of being rejected, told me he's had it for years and was advised that it can't be passed on without symptoms showing. I think I believe this as my own experience with GUM staff is that it's not an important thing unless caught in pregnancy, which is why they said no sex in pregnancy!!

My thing is I'm now scared to have a sexual relationship with him. I get cold sores on my mouth so don't fancy them down below. But I fancy the pants off of him and I'm dying for some intimacy! Not sure what I'm asking really, just needed to vent!!

Oddsocksgalore Wed 25-May-16 14:43:56

He lied to you about herpes......ditch him!

Did you both get tested before you ditched condoms?

As far as I know you will not be able to have a vaginal delivery.

Oddsocksgalore Wed 25-May-16 14:45:13

Sorry posted too soon.

You have had your baby and I hope all is ok.

Condoms don't protect against warts or herpes.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 25-May-16 14:46:38

If you were told you should abstain from having sex with the father of your ds during pregnancy, you were misinformed.

I suggest you visit this website herpesresourcecenter.com/herpes-myths-vs-facts and click on the link to the 'safer sex' page.

Salene Wed 25-May-16 14:50:46

That's utter nonsense about viginal delivery , this is why so much stigma attached to extremely common STD

It's only risky if a pregnant mum catches it for the first time towards end of pregnacy as body hasn't had time to build up antibodies to protect baby

As its happens they estimate 1 in 3 of the population have it anyway just most don't know about it

Yeah he was dishonest but he did come clean and you can understand why he didn't tell you in the fact of the stigma as it happens you also have herpes , did you tell him you had hsv1 before sleeping with him as this herpes and can be past to the genitals exactly the same as strain 2... So unless you did tell him before you had any sexual contact including kissing then it's a case of pot kettle black.

Completelyknackered Wed 25-May-16 15:00:34

I was tested when I split with last partner. They don't actually test for herpes, they only swab when symptoms appear, they only seem to do blood tests for pregnant women when it is known that the partner as hsv of the genitals. Otherwise the blood tests would be too expensive for the NHS and as another poster said its so common most people would show up positive.

Last poster, you're right I didn't tell him I have HSV1 suppose that I only saw it as cold sores, but was always told years ago, abstain from kissing/oral if I have one. I told him this, he said exactly his point, he was told the same.
I think it's because I've had the test and know I don't have type 2 thatim more scared of getting it now.

But bloody hell, I'm dying for a shag!! I know that sounds bad! But it's the truth

Completelyknackered Wed 25-May-16 15:02:39

Oh I should add that I have also been diagnosed with lichen sclerosis (these symptoms often get confused with herpes)

Salene Wed 25-May-16 15:07:45

Use protection and don't have sex with him if he feels like he has a attack coming on, just like with your cold sore, often if someone suffers from reoccurring attacks they know when it's happening

That said most people don't get reoccurring outbreaks

When did he last have a outbreak

To be honest I think you are worrying over nothing. You are now both aware you both carry HSV, I think the likely hood of either of you passing it to each other is very small.

Completelyknackered Wed 25-May-16 15:13:40

He last had an attack in January, says he gets roughly one attack a year, if that. I on the other hand feel I've been getting cold sores since my DS was born 9 months ago.

What about the lichen? Have had a terrible soreness with it since the birth, but had the symptoms since the beginning of the pregnancy. Does the thinning of the skin make me more susceptible to hsv2. Sorry you might not know the answer, but thought I'd put it out there.

Salene Wed 25-May-16 15:16:48

Sorry I've no idea about that, speak to your local GUM clinic or doctor. Hopefully the can put your mind at rest.

Your prob getting cold sores so much due to being run down after having baby, the lack of sleep takes its toll. Have you tried lysine it's meant to help keep HSV suppressed you get it from Holland and Barrett . Maybe worth a try to help with your cold sores.

Hidingtonothing Wed 25-May-16 15:18:35

I've had HSV2 for almost 20 years, have been having unprotected sex with DH (who is, of course, aware of my diagnosis) for 15 of those years without infecting him, we just avoid intercourse during an outbreak. There is still a small risk due to asymptomatic shedding (the virus can be live with no symptoms, hence the vast numbers of people with HSV who never know they have it) but DH is well informed and chooses to take that risk. In my opinion you would take as big a risk sleeping with any new partner as you would sleeping with this man. The fact that he didn't tell you initially is an issue, he absolutely should have told you and figuring out whether you can forgive him for not being honest and trust him to be straight with you in future is, IMO, a bigger issue within your relationship than the fact that he has HSV. The ignorance and stigma around HSV is ridiculous in this day and age, there is plenty of information available online and it's time we dispelled completely untrue myths such as not being able to deliver a baby vaginally if you carry the virus as they add to the shame and stigma sufferers feel. I have some sympathy for your ex partner OP, it's a difficult thing to talk about but the more people do the easier it will become. It's not the end of the world or the end of your sex life, it just requires some honesty and understanding so I guess the two of you need to figure out whether you can give each other those things if you want to move forward with your relationship.

RiceCrispieTreats Wed 25-May-16 15:22:21

He knowingly lied to you.
You want a shag.

Which of these two things is more important to you? Therein lies your answer.

Salene Wed 25-May-16 15:32:23

Let's not forget OP knowingly lied too

Before this man is made out to be the bad bugger

She also failed to tell him she carried the herpes virus HSV1

Neither strain is better than the other, both are a STD and exactly them same principles should apply. Partners should be informed IF carrier is aware they have it

I can't see how this man is in the wrong when op did exactly the same thing

wallywobbles Wed 25-May-16 15:36:05

You are no better than he is. His herpes is no worse than yours and you were even less honest than he was. In fact I'd argue that cold sores are worse.

I have had HSV2 herpes since I was 17, so nearly 30 years, and reactions like yours (albeit understandable) make it so difficult to be open about it. At least 1/3 of all adults have herpes, so the stigma is really really unhelpful and probably aids the spread. If you got the reaction you gave him if you told someone what would you have done in his shoes? If you are capable of really being honest you'd do the same thing I suspect.

Personally I think you've been given awful advice by the doctor. I think you have over reacted very badly, and have treated the father of your child really badly. I completely understand why he lied, its because of people like you.

I have never given herpes to anyone. I have never used condoms in a long term relationship apart from when I thought there might be a risk. I know how my herpes work, better than anyone. I was one of the first people to trail the new generation of herpes medications (back in the 90's), and now self medicate for my symptoms. A specialist consultant on the subject would tell you that your childs father knows his herpes better than anyone else, and he can reliably manage them. If you can trust him, then he can manage his symptoms and you can have a sexual relationship forever and a day. However, should he trust you?

Hidingtonothing Wed 25-May-16 16:20:44

Sorry to hijack the thread but wally can I ask what you self medicate with? I've never sought medical help beyond the initial (badly handled) diagnosis at my GUM clinic and still suffer from frequent outbreaks 20 years on so would be grateful to know what you use and whether it helps? Hope you don't mind me asking.

Completelyknackered Wed 25-May-16 16:52:09

I completely understand some of the posts. There are trust issues because he lied, but I understand why he lied, he was scared of the reaction. To be honest when he first told me, it didn't really react. I carried on sleeping with him it was only when I realised he lied that I was pissed off. I think the fact that I was advised no sex, the lack of trust and intimacy became too much. I know I should have treated him better

wallywobbles Wed 25-May-16 17:13:26

OP you don't seem to get that you lied too. Why is your lie "better" than his?

I'm sorry that I have flamed you, but attitudes like yours make people lie, because the alternative is to be permanently celibate. Genital herpes haters would have us celibate for the rest of their lives while they merrily spread their "cold sores" to everyone, (particularly their children here in France). In my 20 years here no-one has ever not kissed me hello because they have a cold sore.

Hididngtonothing - Self medicate is perhaps the wrong term. I am currently prescribed Valaciclovir 500mg which is a derivative of aciclovir. I was initially prescribed zovirax if I remember correctly and that used to be up to 5 a day and was life changing.

Over the years the prescribing advice has changed, and I have tried various different ways of taking it. As soon as I feel or find a sore (usually in the bath) I take 2 pills. I prefer 1 morning and 1 night, but you can take them once a day if you prefer. I rarely have sores for more than 3 days. I can pretty much head it off at the pass by taking it early. I have some in the car, in my desk, in my bathroom etc, so that I can take it as early as possible, because that really seems to make a difference. If I felt it necessary I would double the dose - but I wouldn't ever recommend it - unless a doctor told you to.

90% of my sores are in one place. Stress is a fairly surefire cause. Periods and tiredness can kick it off.

Interestingly when I told DP he said "so what me too". And I have had fewer outbreaks with him then I have ever had in the preceding 25 odd years. He has one or two outbreaks a year. I am currently having about 3 or 4 a year, which is way down from where it has been.

wallywobbles Wed 25-May-16 17:23:18

Hididngtonothing - I say self medicate, because I take it the way it suits my herpes, and a knowledgable doctor told me to exactly that. I take the Valaciclovir the way that suits me and I'm not be scared to try other doses. I am not a doctor though, so this is just my way of doing it.

When it was first prescribed to replace Zovirax I was put on a constant dose. When I was put on Zovirax it was a constant dose too - but in gradually reduced quantities until I found my maintenance dose.

It was prescribed to take at the end of my pregnancies too, to make sure I didn't have it when the DC were born.

I was also taking it on a constant dose when I got pregnant by surprise the first time.

Hidingtonothing Wed 25-May-16 17:24:23

I average 6-8 a year, sometimes more sad I'll be honest I've avoided seeing my GP about it because I didn't want it in my medical records, (long story as to why, basically a friends' bad experience with her mw during pregnancy, even some HCP enable the HSV stigma) but I'm not planning anymore DC so might bite the bullet and see if they'll prescribe some anti virals. Thanks for the info.

Salene Wed 25-May-16 17:42:22

I have it and I've never passed it to my husband in 6 years, when we met I told him he read a little on Internet and said its fine I'm not worried. Who knows he may well carry it and just doesn't know

When I told my MW in my first pregnacy she wasn't remotely bothered, I don't often get outbreaks but do in pregnacy even had it right up till the birth, made all medical staff aware and they weren't bothered at all said because I'd had it years baby was well protected from it. I had a normal viginal birth.

What's worse about it is the untrue facts.., you will pass it on to partners, you will harm your baby blah blah blah. All just utter nonsense

The biggest risk are people who don't know they have it which is a large % of population those who are aware are very much on top of it I've always found reading about people's experiences.

Oddsocksgalore Wed 25-May-16 18:49:44

A cold sore is very different to genital herpes.

I would have a relationship with someone that suffered from cold sores but no way would I shag someone that had genital herpes.

BrienneAndTormund Wed 25-May-16 18:55:29

Does he have HSV 1 or 2?

You can have HSV1 genitally which is exactly the same as having cold sores. In fact my outbreaks have never ever been as nasty as the average cold sore I see on people's faces, and I'd rather have it on my vag where nobody sees it than on my face.

You both failed to tell the other about the HSV but to be fair to you HSV1 on the face is so common and half the carriers never know they have it so I can't see that as a big deal.
I wouldn't want to catch HSV2, my friend has it very badly and it's horrible. If he takes aciclovir it will suppress the virus but I really wouldn't risk it during pregnancy.

Completelyknackered Wed 25-May-16 18:57:27

Like I said I didn't really react when he told me, thought it was a recent thing that may have laid dormant. It's the fact that he outright lied to me.
I don't believe I've lied, I honestly didn't think of my hsv1 as an std, but as you say it can be sexually transmitted, point taken.
To be honest, I've researched the bloody virus beyond belief. It's the fact that you don't know how your body will handle it if you get, and what if it doesn't work out with him and me, couldn't bare the thought of telling prospective partner about that. Again, reinforcing the stigma, I shouldn't but I'm being honest.

Completelyknackered Wed 25-May-16 19:02:25

55 BrienneAndTormund he has hsv2, has an attack roughly once a year

Salene Wed 25-May-16 19:42:12

Odd socks what rubbish you speak a cold sore isn't different to genital herpes

You get HSV 1 and 2 and both can live on face or genitals it's just normally 1 goes for face and 2 for hebitals but this isn't always the case

So in fact what your spouting is utter rubbish and me personally if I had to choose I'd rather have it on my genitals than my face where everyone can see it.

So your very misguided in what you think

Herpes is herpes it don't matter if it's on face, genitals or in your eyes.. Yes you can also get it in your eyes

Herpes is herpes.., how ever you like to dress it up its the same flipping virus 😂😂.

Completely regardless of what happens with him you carry herpes and need to tell future partners you carry the virus so what's the issue...?? If it's on your face and you give a partner oral sex they can contract it so I doubt they will care how they contract it face or genital they would need to be aware they can contract it from you

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now