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Not sure about meeting this guy

(89 Posts)
LoTeQuiero Wed 20-Jan-16 16:16:23

Met him online ( not dating site, fb, via mutual friend. Got chatting, etc.). He's a professional, been working away for the last few weeks and we've been chatting loads. We've made plans to meet in London next week, go to a show, stay overnight (separate rooms!)

He sounds lovely, intelligent and friendly. My issue is this: he NEVER asks me anything about myself. Sometimes we exchange ten messages a day and sometimes it's none. But they are all inevitably about me asking him about his day, background, etc. - you know, the stuff about sisters and brothers everyone discusses in the beginning. I was so excited to finally meet him but this what seems like utter self-absorption is really getting to me. I have visions of sitting next to him struggling to think of the next question to ask!

Thoughts, wise MN-etters??

BornToFolk Wed 20-Jan-16 16:34:15

Is there any way that you could just meet for a drink, rather than do the whole "seeing a show, staying over" thing?

He might be different IRL and it's worth giving him a go, if you've been generally getting along but in a more low key way if possible, so you can escape if needed....

Who initiates the conversations by the way?

LoTeQuiero Wed 20-Jan-16 16:47:58

No he lives quite far away so we can't do a quick drink or anything. Plus everything's booked. You have a good point about different IRL. Initiation is both of us, I started leaving it to him when I noticed it was always me!

Hissy Wed 20-Jan-16 16:54:50

Trust your instincts and make sure you can get home if you need to.

Make sure people know where you are and keep in touch with them.

I think you're insane committing a whole chunk of time to someone you've never met, and even though there are separate rooms, you're still at risk potentially of having more expected of you.

Hotels don't cost if you cancel them up to 24 hours before. You sound like you are allowing yourself to be railroaded because you want to appear nice and cool and relaxed.

I think you are potentially compromising your own safety.

BornToFolk Wed 20-Jan-16 17:06:41

What would you like to happen with him? Cos if he lives too far away for a quick drink, it's going to make a relationship quite tricky!

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Wed 20-Jan-16 17:16:16

"...My issue is this: he NEVER asks me anything about myself..."
"...this what seems like utter self-absorption is really getting to me..."

This would pee me off to and would be a "strike 1" straight away. I'd expect a man to be interested in getting to know me and be asking questions. Of course he could just be socially awkward but, to be honest, I couldn't be bothered starting a relationship with someone like that. "Strike 2" is that he lives quite far away for a relationship to be easy. I personally wouldn't persue this.

Jw35 Wed 20-Jan-16 17:36:44

He sounds uninterested. I wouldn't go

ALaughAMinute Wed 20-Jan-16 17:58:16

What does the mutual friend say about him? How long has she/he known him?

The date sounds a bit 'full on' and unless your friend knows him very well I think you should be very cautious. I don't think it's a good sign that he's not asking you questions.

Ideally a first date should be a quick coffee or drink so that if things don't work out well it's easy to escape.

Why not cancel and see if you can meet him for a quick drink sometime?

If he's decent he will understand.

SeaCabbage Wed 20-Jan-16 18:36:31

Yes, have you asked the mutual friend if this is typical behaviour for him? Sounds wierd and very self-absorbed!

LoTeQuiero Wed 20-Jan-16 18:38:59

There are no plans or expectations from this meeting. It happens to be something we both really wanted to see so we just agreed to go together... It's not a huge deal.

Mutual friend has known him about five years (at med school together) and says he's a decent guy but hasn't seen him for a while.

ovaryhill Wed 20-Jan-16 18:45:12

I say go for it, nothing ventured nothing gained!
He may be fabulous in real life or he may not be, you won't know till you meet
Good luck!

Vaginaaa Wed 20-Jan-16 19:10:42

I wouldn't bother. Hes either not interested in the answers so doesn't ask or is too inept at conversation to consider batting the questions back to you. Either way what's the point really?

lazymoz Thu 21-Jan-16 01:02:11

Go with your gut instinct

goddessofsmallthings Thu 21-Jan-16 03:06:20

you know, the stuff about sisters and brothers everyone discusses in the beginning

All I 'know' is that when I meet new people I don't bombard them with questions about their background or about their siblings/parents/aunts/uncles etc as I expect these things to be mutually revealed over a period of time as and when they are pertinent to whatever conversation we may be having.

Maybe he's saving these type of questions up for when you meet, or maybe he's not interested in asking about your lineage as he's able to evaluate his compatibility with others regardless of their background.

Either way, the show and the hotel's booked and I suggest you simply enjoy the evening without making it sound as if you're desperately trying to find a mate for life suitable match.

Have a good time - and don't forget to come back with an update. smile

YouthHostellingWithChrisEubank Thu 21-Jan-16 03:42:41

This reminds me of a friend who met a guy she met online in Hawaii... at least you're not that daft!

(she said he had extremely poor personal hygiene and smelled really bad, funnily enough he'd neglected to mention that on their all-night Skype sessions).

Good luck!

Bringiton2016 Thu 21-Jan-16 05:39:34

Do you mean he doesn't ask you how you are? Or if you've had a good day? How was work? etc.

Whocansay Thu 21-Jan-16 07:23:44

You're staying over. He is expecting sex. If you're fine with that, there's no problem, but from what you've said I doubt he wants more than that. He's shown no interest in your life at all.

Hissy Thu 21-Jan-16 07:37:31

Your friend has t dated him then she knows precisely fuck all about him.

Relationships thread is littered with posts about abusive men who Everyone who knows em thinks they're a "great bloke"

You are doubting yourself and him.

Back it up, scale it down. Listen to your instincts!

Hissy Thu 21-Jan-16 07:39:40

Blokes who have no interest in the person are often ONLY interested in a shag.

Or it could be that he's not getting excited as he doesn't know you. without dissecting your conversations it's hard to tell. Your instincts are key here too.

BubsandMoo Thu 21-Jan-16 07:51:19

Are your message conversations limited to you asking him questions and discussions about this show/whatever mutual interest you have? Has there been any flirting/personal comments/ indication that he's even interested in a more-than-friends relationship with you- from what you've written he could be thinking he's just going to see a show he wants to see with someone else who wants to see it.

In any case if you don't want to go, don't go! You don't seem very clear on what you think might happen from it; but you do sound a lot more invested in the whole thing than he does.

TheStoic Thu 21-Jan-16 07:54:52

He could be waiting to talk to you properly in person.

TheNaze73 Thu 21-Jan-16 08:06:36

I agree with TheStoic. Texting is a nightmare in the early days of a new relationship. Should be there to set up the date & that's it. I'd be bored rigid by a load of personal questions on a text in the early days of something new & think someone was far too eager

RedMapleLeaf Thu 21-Jan-16 08:14:15

I can't quite picture how you can get in to texting someone you've not met. I agree with PP that he's probably just politely answering your questions. I'd pull back a little if I were you.

pocketsaviour Thu 21-Jan-16 08:27:52

I think text conversations are the worst because I have fat fingers and I'd rather save the "getting to know you" questions/answers for actually meeting face to face. Maybe he's just doing that? I would meet him and see what he's like in person. He might be a lot more interested once he's actually sitting in front of you. OR he might turn out to be a self-absorbed tosspot, in which case you've had a night out and seen a show you were looking forward to, nothing lost really.

Do make sure you have a friend who knows where you're going and perhaps do a "check in" call with them during the evening. I agree with Hissy that even though you've booked rooms separately, he may think sex is on the agenda, or at least a possibility.

goddessofsmallthings Thu 21-Jan-16 09:20:13

If I were to make arrangements to meet an unknown someone new in a few weeks' time, other than a text the night before to confirm that it's still on, I very much doubt I'd bother, or feel the need, to contact them in the interim as I'd curb any curiousity I may have about them until I saw them in person.

As I dislike making conversation for conversation's sake, I work on the assumption that if someone's had a good, bad, or unusual day they'll tell me, and I'm only likely to ask what kind of day others have had if I've bored them rigid offloaded information about mine, or if I'm aware that something signficant was happening for them on a particular day.

Even if you get on like a house on fire with this guy, the chances are you won't be seeing a lot of him as you live so far apart and, unless you're up for a one night stand, I would suggest you make sure you only respond to a knock on your hotel room door if you've ordered room service after the evening's ended. smile

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