Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Death sentence

(64 Posts)
Summon3r Sat 26-Dec-15 10:15:36

I'm new. I just had to join as I'm going mad. I found out on christmas eve that my beloved partner has 2 years left to live. I'm broken. He's my best friend. My whole world. We had the happiest, easiest relationship. I just don't know how to be without him. I feel like my life didn't even begin until we met. The thought of life without him by side is unbearable. Seeing him in such shock and pain makes me die inside. I'm trying to be positive in front of him that maybe something will be discovered within the time frame to fix him, but it's so hard. I worry about letting him down. Not being strong enough to give him a happy 2 years. We're only late 30's. I don't know how any of this is possible. I feel so lonely already.

Twitterqueen Sat 26-Dec-15 10:19:26

My exH was given 2 days to live. 5 years later he's still going strong.

I'm not trying to minimise the pain and shock you are going through but there is always hope - trite though it may sound. He's not dead yet. You have a lot of living to do.

Summon3r Sat 26-Dec-15 10:26:45

Thank you for replying to me. I know I still have some time with him, but it's so hard to not spoil it by crying and longing for our future. I've never had a wonderful relationship before. It took me so long to find him and I feel he has been stolen. I just don't know how to cope with it.
A short while ago we were making plans to buy a house and get married. I was the happiest person on the planet. Now I feel crushed and hopeless.

neighbourhoodwitch Sat 26-Dec-15 10:29:10

God so cruel. I'm so so sorry. I guess you'll have to take each day. xx

Summon3r Sat 26-Dec-15 11:35:35

Has anyone been through something like this? I really need some advice on how to deal with things emotionally. Thank you neighbourhood for your kind words. It's nice for someone to take the time xx

helhathnofury Sat 26-Dec-15 12:33:07

Been on the other side, I was told 4 yrs ago had stage 4 cancer and at one point that I could have as little as 3 months. It's ok to grieve for the future you could of had, I've cried over not seeing the kids grow up and have their own families and the tavelling me and dh wanted to do when they left home. But you do get past that and learn to make the best of what time you have.
Since my diagnosis I came across a new treatment and that has bought me time, things can change in medicine quite quickly these days.
One thing, try not to do things and think oh this could be the last time we do this.....It can become draining wanting to make everything special.
I would recommend looking at macmillan site, even if partner doesn't have cancer, there is plenty of advice for dealing with the same situation.
So sorry you both have to deal with this, I wish you well.

OurBlanche Sat 26-Dec-15 12:44:53

Just do every day as well as you can.

A childhood friend found his perfect partner, after many years of being alone. They met and married quite quickly, his daughter was delighted for him. 11 weeks later he died, suddenly.

Take whatever support you can find, Macmillan etc. You both need to grieve now, and find a way to live through the raw emotion.

Summon3r Sat 26-Dec-15 12:49:37

Thank you hel for taking the time to reply to me. I'm trying to stay positive that something will be discovered to fix him. I have to. He needs me to. I'm so worried about letting him down. I know he's terrified of leaving me on my own. I need to not be a burden on him. He's always the one I turn to and now I feel I can't. I can't speak to my friends. I don't know why.

I am glad they found a new treatment for you. It gives me a glimmer of hope that the same may happen for us. I've never been religious, but I find myself praying now. I don't even know myself anymore.

WitchWay Sat 26-Dec-15 13:31:23

I'm sorry to hear this. Very difficult to give timescales with medical conditions. Unhelpful really, IMO. Could you bear to say what is wrong with him?

helhathnofury Sat 26-Dec-15 13:58:36

I would say it's important to share with each other your feelings and not pretend it's all ok, otherwise you can get a bit lost in it all. I often thought it was harder on dh as he would be the one left with the aftermath. Be kind to yourselves, still make plans even if on a shorter scale than before. Really does help to have things to look forward to.

Fckup Sat 26-Dec-15 14:06:43

I'm so sorry to hear this, I think you need some professional help to help you both to cope - Macmillan maybe?

Elizabethreallyismissing Sat 26-Dec-15 14:20:18

From a practical point of view make sure all the legal side is squared away! Still get married or put wills in place!
Then make sure you talk to each other make sure you tell each other how much you love each other & then try to make the most of the time you have together!
I lost my partner of 14 years very suddenly, he had a heart attack & died in the middle of the night, he was 39! I would have given anything, anything at the time for some notice that he was going! Time to tell him how happy he made me and how much I loved him!
I'm so sorry for you & your partner! thanks

WitchWay Sat 26-Dec-15 14:24:34

Very good advice from Elizabeth.

Summon3r Sat 26-Dec-15 15:41:24

Thank you all for your kind replies. Elizabeth I am so sorry for what happened to you. That is beyond heartbreaking. How have you been coping? Was it recently? I have made sure he knows how loved he is. I always did. We will fight with all we have.

He has 3 different cancers. Separately it would be more than possible to save him, but it is the combination of them that is the difficulty. Trying to put a brave face on as we are with family today. I'm trying so hard not to cry and ruin the day. Every time I turn round I can see him look at me and his eyes fill with tears. My heart actually aches x

Themodernuriahheep Sat 26-Dec-15 15:59:53

Summon, it's shit. But hold on. Enjoy the little things you can, the jokes you make in adversity. Enjoy making him a cup of tea. Create the celebrations of him and of both of you.

One our neighbours who has multiple cancers was told he had two weeks in Feb. He's v old, but here he still is and we've celebrated his birthday with friends, etc etc.

And, this sounds callous but isn't, think what you want to use the remaining time for.

Do you want to be married before his time is up, to proclaim publicly you are each other's in law as well as in fact? You can do it very very fast.

Get him to make a will. If he doesn't, it is dreadful for his next if kin to sort out. ( won't be you unless you have legal standing). Draw yours up at the same time. You can always leave your possessions to him, if you predecease him, ie if there is a cure or you get run over by a bus, that way it's a joint act of love.

Do you want to go away somewhere special to you, together? If you have longer than expected, you have more time to build on.

The hospital will have counselling. Take it up. You will need people in RL, outside the immediate family.

Thinking of you. flowers

Summon3r Sat 26-Dec-15 17:09:12

Hello thermo. He has made a will. We only rent though and he has children so it doesn't matter so much really. I don't know about getting married still. He keeps crying and saying he can't make me a widow.
I can't really go away. I have to work. I need the holiday time to take care of him after the chemo radiation and operation.

I will certainly seek support from the hospital. Anything to help. I don't know why but it feels easier talking to strangers somehow. I'm worried about worrying my family. It's so kind of you (all of you) to take the time to bother with me x

Themodernuriahheep Sat 26-Dec-15 19:21:33

Much much easier to open up on MN.

You'll be what used to be called his relict, the person left behind, anyway.

If you are concerned about such things, it might mean that you were entitled to a widows pension. So I agree with a pp who said sort the legal stuff out. He will be able to be calmer knowing he has done so and his children and you are thought about, and that will help him to be stronger.

But quite a lot of the stuff, grim to think about, the authorities will only deal with a duly authorised person, either spouse or next if kin.

I'm sounding very clinical about this. But sometimes doing the practical things helps you cope. Sorting out what's available in palliative care, what he wants as options, silly things like hats for going through chemo, eg if it's straight away a Father Christmas hat to begin with?

And cherishing yourself with cups of tea, counselling, nice baths, time off from time to time.

Summon3r Sat 26-Dec-15 19:41:15

I know it sounds silly, but I'm scared talking about things relating to when he's gone will make him think I've given up on him. I know it needs to be done, but I just can't cope with the sadness on his gorgeous face. All day I can see the pain in his eyes when I've been playing with the kids. He loves us so much.

I've had to be strong today. He's told me how proud he is of me. When he does it chokes me up. I don't want to lose my little family. I'm so desperate to wake up from this nightmare x

TwoKettles Sat 26-Dec-15 19:42:37

Make plans, take photos, go places and build memories. Enjoy the time you have. It's all very new, and you're bound to be very shocked and terrified, so be kind to yourselves. Don't necessarily turn your back on getting married, even if its a simple service with just a couple of witnesses, just to mark your love for each other. Strength to you both xx

Elizabethreallyismissing Sun 27-Dec-15 00:39:39

Summon it was 14 years ago, I'm ok now but it was awful & I'm not sure how I got through it!
I got married this year so life has moved on but I feel he's very much still with me & I think about him at some point everyday!
Cruise the bereavement counselling people were amazing so I'd recommend some counselling in the meantime to help you come to terms with it!

My heart breaks for you, it really does & I think you're being extremely brave!

Summon3r Sun 27-Dec-15 11:50:53

I don't feel brave. Face down on the bed and the tears just won't stop.
Elizabeth, I have been thinking a lot of your story. I'm so glad you have found some happiness. I appreciate the cruise recommendation. I can't go on like this. I'll ruin the time we do have. I will look into contacting them.

Thanks to all of you for your kind messages xx

inlectorecumbit Sun 27-Dec-15 15:14:20

If it is 2 years ( and it may be a lot more) make them count. Get up, put on a happy face and start making some memories.
Why not get married, do things you both have always wanted to do, yes there will be up and down days but in a strange way you are luckier than some whose loved ones dies without warning, without having the chance to make memories and tell the other person that they are loved.
So although my heart breaks for you l urge you to start making some happy memoried flowers
no time like the present

Summon3r Sun 27-Dec-15 18:49:36

Thank you for your message. Happy face on today as kids are here.I hope with all my heart it's a lot longer. I'm doing my best. I know he needs me to be strong. I love him so much I'm giving it my all. Actions speak louder than words eh? So I'm trying to give him some happy days now as when the chemo starts things will be even tougher. Your message was so kind xx

inlectorecumbit Wed 30-Dec-15 22:31:45

Thinking about you tonight Summon how are you. Still smiling ??
Happy to be a shoulder for you if needed

Summon3r Thu 31-Dec-15 02:35:39

I found out he was lying. Trying to get me and the girls through Christmas. He has until about March. No treatment will help. It's all just too late. No more smiles here x

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now