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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is he lazy or AIBU?

60 replies

whostheJohnsonnow · 30/09/2015 14:10

Today I have to travel home for a family funeral (three hour train journey) Before that I have a days worth of work and personal stuff to sort out (including a train trip to next county and back)

Just said goodbye to my boyfriend; who is cat sitting for me while I am away. Still in his dressing gown at 1pm. He had gotten up to make me a cup of tea, but then went back to bed and got under the duvet. I went to say goodbye to him, and he just shifted to end of bed to kiss me. I asked him if he was going to get up to say goodbye, and he seemed surprised, but then did so.

I'm afraid to say I lost it at that point, and said it would have been nice if he'd offered to carry my suitcase down the stairs, or even been dressed so he could walk round to station with me. I won't see him again until Sunday!

His response is that he had made me a cup of tea, and that if he'd offered to help I would have turned it down! He honestly makes me feel like I'm being an unreasonable nag for expecting him to get out of bed! Am I? I honestly don't know anymore. I just feel so unsupported by him. I have a whole days running around now, and feeling really tearful.

OP posts:

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DoreenLethal · 30/09/2015 14:12

Ok. Get the funeral over with and then re-evaluate your relationship.

Look at the main point which is - do you both have the same amount of free leisure time? If not then address it or end the relationship. Life is too short.

And sympathy for your loss.

JeffsanArsehole · 30/09/2015 14:13

You're tearful because of the funeral and the stress and you're projecting it onto him

whostheJohnsonnow · 30/09/2015 14:42

Perhaps I am projecting?

I just can't help but be upset by it. Then I'm made to feel like I am being a horrible cow who's picking on him.

I just want him to get out of bed!

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hellsbellsmelons · 30/09/2015 14:51

Why is he not at work?
Does he have a job?
Do you both earn similar amounts of money?
Do you live together?
Sorry there's so many questions.

whostheJohnsonnow · 30/09/2015 14:58

He is unemployed at the minute.

I work 2 jobs, but I'm no high earner.

We don't live together. He does stay with me quite often, but I must admit I get quite ratty a lot of the time. Mainly because I am always busy with a million things, and he is nearly always in bed. I get so frustrated. I just want an equal relationship.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/09/2015 15:02

With sympathy for your loss .

If you want an equal relationship it will not be with this man.

I would also suggest you re-evaluate your whole relationship with this man after the funeral.

goddessofsmallthings · 30/09/2015 15:51

Even if I wasn't setting off for a funeral, I would expect any guy who was staying in my home in the circumstances you've described to at least be up and dressed by mid-morning and to offer to carry my case and accompany me to the station, although I would most probably refuse this attention.

Looking on the bright side, if he's going to spend his time lolling in bed he's unlikely to rack up your heating bills but that doesn't minimise his disrepect for you and disregard for the occasion.

With condolences for your loss.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/09/2015 16:00

I call cocklodger on this one.
As a PP said
If you want an equal relationship it will not be with this man
^^ THIS, ABSOLUTELY ^^^
What are his good points?

tribpot · 30/09/2015 16:01

Is he lazy? He's in bed at 1 pm for god's sake. I assume he's going to crash at yours the entire time you're away on the pretext of cat sitting?

This can never work - I get quite ratty a lot of the time. Mainly because I am always busy with a million things, and he is nearly always in bed. He sounds like a freeloader.

Very sorry for your loss.

Lelania · 30/09/2015 16:38

I love a lie-in and have been known to give my boyfriend keys to post through the door when he has had to leave early on a Saturday to go and see his children. However, if he was going to something like a funeral I would get up to support him and this is at 7 in the morning not 1 in the afternoon.

I sense this is more about something which shows a generally unsupportive attitude towards you.

tillytown · 30/09/2015 17:09

Sorry for your loss
Has he been unemployed for a long time? Maybe he doesn't see the point of getting out of bed when he has nothing to do all day? When my husband had trouble finding a job, he became quite depressed, he pretty much slept all day until he got a new one.

whostheJohnsonnow · 30/09/2015 18:18

Good points? He's very sweet and affectionate. Never jealous or possessive. He's really easy to be around; we get on really well. He's ahem really good in bed.
I've known him for 2 years, and tbh he's only had a job for a month in that time (that I helped him get) He does try sporadically to find work, but really doesn't try hard enough imo. He suffers from depression/self harms, and I know life is very hard for him sometimes. Having said that though..I have depression and used to SH. I still knew I had to work though!

I love him, but the situation is dragging me down. I'm sick of being in the driving seat all the bloody time!

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AnyFucker · 30/09/2015 18:22

Yep. Cocklodger. Kinda decorative to have around and a nice diversion in the sack but ultimately useless.

If you want a relationship with a grown up who pulls his weight, this isn't the man for you.

Anniegetyourgun · 30/09/2015 18:27

He made you a whole cup of tea? No wonder he went back to bed, he must have been exhausted

newname99 · 30/09/2015 18:29

You won't have an equal relationship and in the end you are likely to end up resenting him. When children come along what was once tolerable becomes intolerable. Sex maybe good but that won't mean much to you if you've been awake all night with a baby, then have to face getting up for work whilst he is still in bed.

He maybe possible boyfriend material but doesn't seem like a good choice for a husband or long term relationship. I married someone who was a great boyfriend but he made a terrible husband. 2 years is just the stage when the rose tinted glasses come off and you see your partner for what they actually are.

whostheJohnsonnow · 30/09/2015 18:32

He genuinely thought that making a cuppa was a significant gesture; rather than the sort of thing partners do for each other as a matter of course.

I did ask if he wanted a medal for doing one thing while I was doing thirty I then basically got told I was being Ridiculous.

Why can't I have the sense to end it? I really wish I could. I feel so weak.

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Justaboy · 30/09/2015 18:38

LOL good in the sack, and now he's so shagged after making tea?.;!.

Lets go down the line a few years when you are a mum with a couple of nippers who have to be paid for and all that comes with it and he's what worked 1 month in 2 years;?. You serious?

And your grumbling now that YOUR tetchy cos of working to hard?.

You've had good advice from the ladies here now take a man's view.

I'd be bloody ashamed to treat a woman like this really would.

For Christ sakes wake up and SMELL THE COFFEE!!!

AnyFucker · 30/09/2015 18:46

You have been warned, love.

Joysmum · 30/09/2015 19:01

If you're unemployed your full time job is finding a job. If he's usually in bed then he's a lazy cocklodger.

goddessofsmallthings · 30/09/2015 19:14

Wake up and smell make your own tea or buy a Teasmade/teasmaid - it'll be far cheaper in the long run

whostheJohnsonnow · 30/09/2015 19:29

He admits himself that he gets put off things easily. He got sacked from the job, and he admitted last week when we were on holiday that he just gave up. He says he gets stuck in his ways easily. He's promised to make more effort, and he was looking for/applying for jobs yesterday.

I think he sees having a job as an optional extra...he denies this of course. He's only young. Perhaps it's his age? I honestly don't know anymore.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 30/09/2015 19:36

What is his age ? 12 ?

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whostheJohnsonnow · 30/09/2015 19:50

Early twenties AF

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AnyFucker · 30/09/2015 20:05

Don't make excuses for him. What are you, his mother ?

whostheJohnsonnow · 30/09/2015 20:17

It certainly feels that way sometimes AF.

I'm just currently failing badly at seeing what is reasonable/unreasonable.

I always resolve that I just won't mention the things that are annoying me. Then I fail, and lose my temper (this morning being a classic example) Then he tells me that he "knew I was going to get annoyed about xyz" Then I feel like a naggy, demanding girlfriend.

Even written down here it sounds pathetic. I always attract lazy men. What the hell am I doing wrong?

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