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How to convince DP I should be a SAHM?

(124 Posts)
Siennasun Wed 13-May-15 22:31:09

I have 1 child aged 2. I have a very stressful job in the NHS which is not especially well paid. I was full time but now 4 days a week following some time off sick with stress.
DH has a well paid job, not sure exactly what his salary is but think he earns around 3 times more than me. We don't have lots of spare cash at least I dont but we don't budget and we fritter/waste lots of money.
I hate my job. Even with the reduced hours, I am miserable and feel like I am wasting my life and time I should be spending with DS doing a job I despise. I don't want to have a second child so I really want to enjoy this time before he starts school.
I'm looking for a new job. Just before I went off work with stress, I talked to DH about quitting my job, even if I haven't found a new one. He went ballistic, saying how we can't survive without my income. He resents the fact he works long hours and is already subsidising me.
We could definitely survive on his income but we'd have to rein in our lifestyles a bit. In some ways it'd be easier as being in time for nursery drop offs/pick ups is challenging and we rely heavily on family for childcare at the moment.
I really want to quit my job and have a few months off to enjoy DS and try to get back to being myself. I have tried to talk to DH about this so many times but it always ends in a blazing row.
Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do? Am I being completely selfish and unreasonable as DH thinks?

CheapSunglasses Wed 13-May-15 23:01:01

Are you married? You say DP in your title but DH in your post.

If you're not married don't give up your financial independence.

Siennasun Wed 13-May-15 23:06:03

Yes we are married. I don't want to stop work permanently, just have a few months out.
Title should read DH, and also to be SAHM for a few months - not a great title really!

AnotherEmma Wed 13-May-15 23:06:57

You don't know how much your husband earns? You made a suggestion and he "went ballistic"? He "resents" "subsidising you"?

You are his wife and the mother of his child, for fuck's sake. He should care about your well being (which clearly needs some attention if you were signed off for stress). He should respect and support you. In a healthy relationship you would be able to have an open, honest, calm and respectful discussion about your employment and finances. So the things you have said are worrying, I'm afraid.

Does he get angry and resentful about other things?

Fairylea Wed 13-May-15 23:09:41

I am a sahm but I really think in your own situation you should try to stay working. I say this because your dh has red flags of financial twattery - if he's like this now what on earth will happen if you don't work? I am flabbergasted that you don't even know how much he earns!

Any sahm should have equal spending money and equal access to family money. Anything less is a total disregard to the joint contribution involved.

Whathaveilost Wed 13-May-15 23:13:26

I'm staggered that you don't know how much your DH earns?

Surly you need to know that rather than just guessing what you think you can afford.

AnotherEmma Wed 13-May-15 23:17:19

"We don't have lots of spare cash at least I dont but we don't budget and we fritter/waste lots of money. "

Do you mean "I don't have lots of spare cash, we don't budget together and he says I fritter/waste lots of money"? Does he get to buy what he wants but you don't?

GiddyOnZackHunt Wed 13-May-15 23:22:01

First off you need to quantify how much childcare family do and how much that would cost professionally. If one family member were ill requiring care, what would that do?
Many people have no family help.
He needs to see all income as household income working towards a common goal. He has children. Between the two of you you have to support them. How you organise it is irrelevant but it should be fair and equitable.
How much would it cost him if you left him? For comparison purposes only.

Siennasun Wed 13-May-15 23:25:25

I know roughly how much he earns, but not exactly. We don't have joint finances. he pays for the majority of the bills.
He's not generally an angry person. Jobs /earnings is a very sore point in our relationship and always has been. He is very career driven and doesn't like the fact that I just don't care that much about my career. I think in his eyes he puts in the hard work and I get the benefits.
I am hurt that my relatively meagre salary is more important to him than my wellbeing and I've thought about leaving him recently but then I'd probably have to go back to full time at work, which might not even be an option and would still struggle financially. Plus I really hate my job, it's really making me unhappy to the point of being unwell, and I don't think I can keep doing it.

Siennasun Wed 13-May-15 23:31:47

Anotheremma

I mean we don't budget and we fritter a lot of money eg shopping at waitrose, m&s rather than lidl or eating out a lot which he pays for.
I don't have lots of spare cash for stuff for me like clothes but I have enough to go out with friends a couple of times a month.
He has more spare cash than I do.

AnotherEmma Wed 13-May-15 23:33:25

I agree with you OP, I think there are more important things in life than work and money. Obviously we all need enough income to live on, but I think it's very possible to be poor and happy, or rich and unhappy. It seems to me that he has chosen to push himself in his career and is punishing you because you don't want to do the same. That's not fair.
I do think it's important in a relationship and marriage to have similar values when it comes to the big things, like money, or to be able to compromise at least.
Would you two consider counselling to talk through the issues? It might help to have someone impartial and professional to support you both in resolving it, rather than continuing to have the same arguments.

beezlebop Wed 13-May-15 23:36:19

Do it, leave work. Your child is so important!

Fairylea Wed 13-May-15 23:37:20

Hmmm. There is a massive lack of care, compassion and teamwork in your marriage. He sounds a lot like my first husband actually. He divorced me following a horrendous redundancy on my part when he realised my earning power wasn't going to be what it was for a myriad of health and career reasons.

It sounds like he also doesn't realise how difficult being a parent is and doesn't value this as a role in itself either.

I know everyone is different but after being stung financially by 2 (yes 2) awful divorces I wouldn't want my finances arranged like yours, where he's paying the majority of the bills and all income isn't really "shared".

With my dh we have three joint accounts - one where all income and outgoings goes in and out of, one for food which we transfer a set amount to (which I use as I do the shopping) and one to which we put an allocated amount of spending money and we spend half each. I take mine out in cash as I have a tendency to over spend so that way I can't !

We are completely transparent with each other.

AnotherEmma Wed 13-May-15 23:39:04

Sorry x-post, hadn't seen your second reply. I know all couples do it differently but I think that for most married couples, they see it as "one pot" that both pay into and both can spend... The fact that it's so unequal, with him earning so much more than you and having more to spend, doesn't seem like a real partnership to me. Marriage is a financial commitment as well as a legal and emotional one. So I think it's very strange that he still hangs onto "yours/mine". Do you have a house and a mortgage together? Who pays the bills?

Siennasun Wed 13-May-15 23:41:26

I've suggested counselling. He won't do it.
Thanks for all your replies. I thought people would say I was being selfish, but actually I don't think it is just me causing all the problems.

Viviennemary Wed 13-May-15 23:46:38

He should be concerned that you are stressed out. I don't know how well you will manage financially without your salary. Perhaps he is worried about falling behind with bills. And it might be difficult to get another job. But the point is he should be more sympathetic that you are totally stressed out with this job for not a lot of financial reward. It's all very well for people to say just leave. I agree with counselling which will give you the opportunity to talk things through with somebody and see a way forward. Hope things work out.

AnotherEmma Wed 13-May-15 23:48:55

If he's refused counselling that's another bad sign sad
This is definitely not your fault OP. You're not being selfish or unreasonable. If we've helped you to see that, I'm glad.
flowers

Siennasun Wed 13-May-15 23:51:29

We do have a mortgage which is in both our names but DH has made the majority of the repayments.
I've never really suggested having a joint account as I think it would cause more resentment and arguments. Tbh I'd happily be skint for a few months if it meant having some time at home.
I know that our joint finances, or lack of, are an issue but my work problems, stress and DHs attitude to that are more pressing sad

Joysmum Wed 13-May-15 23:52:23

I'm a SAHM but then I have a DH who sees income as family income and we both have equal disposable income.

Your finances aren't equal and he already resents you when you are in work but not earning as much as him.

I wouldn't go to being a SAHM in that situation, but then I wouldn't be married to donebidy with the attitude of your DH.

AnotherEmma Wed 13-May-15 23:54:59

Would you consider a change in career, OP? If your current job is stressful and badly paid, I'm sure you could find something better.
Having said that, a career change would be easier with a supportive partner, especially if you need to retrain or will earn less for a while. Still, if there is potential to earn more in the long run, he might be more open to it?
Having said all that, it's really not good that he is putting pressure on you instead of being supportive and prioritising your health/well-being.
Maybe you need a new job and a new man (or no man at all) wink

Preciousbane Wed 13-May-15 23:55:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smorgasboard Wed 13-May-15 23:56:07

As you are in the NHS there should be a few options to change jobs to other areas. Is it the tasks you do or the people you work with? Also might be worth applying for a career break with a view to going back in a few months - sometimes it's granted. Or how about a secondment? Being a SAHM is a rare luxury these days and not always possible. Perhaps if you combined being at home with further education and training for a different role your DH would be more amenable as you would be working towards a better future? It's hard to argue the necessity of staying home for 1 child unless they are experiencing problems, when so many mothers work full time as they have to. How would you feel if your DH wanted to go part time so he could spend more time with your DD? Works both ways, that's equality.

AnotherEmma Thu 14-May-15 00:01:20

If you divorce I think you would be entitled to half of all the marital assets (i.e. his and yours combined) plus child maintenance if you get custody, so... you might even be better off. Not saying you should necessarily do that - just that if you're unhappy, it wouldn't make sense to stay with him for financial reasons.

Fairylea Thu 14-May-15 00:02:47

If you own the house together it doesn't matter that he's paid the repayments from his salary, you both own half each.

AnotherEmma Thu 14-May-15 00:04:06

^ I realised I'm probably going to get massively flamed for that comment blush

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