My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Relationship with my dad, shitty text message

55 replies

BingBong36 · 03/05/2015 08:52

A brief background re my dad. He EA my mum, they are now divorced. He was a pretty shit dad, never went out of his way for anyone .. When i came back from travelling he was supposed to pick me up and just didn't bother turning up, any Father's Day or bday present he would be very ungrateful and say 'is that it do I not deserve more?'

After the divorce we fell out as I obv sided with my mum. He would send me shitty messages saying how he heard my husband had been having affairs (which he hadn't) and how he would turn up at my wedding even tho he wasn't invited, how I didn't deserve his surname anymore and lucky I was getting married so I would have a new one etc etc

A few years past and DS1 was born, when he was 1 I decided I should try again with my dad and for the last couple if years my dad has been brilliant like a different man, very charming nice helpful etc.

I have not seen him for 3 weeks, I invite him every few weeks for Sunday toast to which lately he has been busy. Last week he calls and is very sarcastic sayibg he has not seen grandchildren and bet they have forgotten who he is etc. I respond that he is always welcome and that I do actually invite him over frequently for a roast. This is the man that didn't even bother getting the kids an Easter egg!!

So 2 nights ago I get this text "hi bingbong, dad here, is there any chance if me seeing my grandsons over the bank holiday, no invite nothing, do you and mr bingbong come and visit me, no. I'm their grandad and I want to see them, sort it out'

I knew it wouldn't be long before my dad's old habits come out. I know it's not that bad but it takes me back to the way he used to speak to us and his bullying ways.

So I reply very nicely that he is very welcome any time and how about lunch yesterday afternoon?

No reply

So I txt and say dinner in the oven are you coming? He says he can't come. I then say how about Sunday before 2 or Monday before 3. To which he replies let' sort something out next weekend when we both have more time. Clearly being sarcastic because I has to be something in the afternoons.

In fuming , he made such a song and dance yet I give him
Various options and I get turned down!!! My husband is awAy all this weekend until next weekend which he knows so it's quite hectic with two kids.

I have not replied again as I'm so scared of getting any abusive bulky-boy txt that I've left it.

But I need to get my point across and say that he shouldn't be sending me those txt messages. That I have him various options this weekend and again he didn't come so he can't be that bothered about seeing us? But then I don't want to get in to an argument.

Whst dhoukd I do just leave it,? Thanks

OP posts:
Report
BingBong36 · 03/05/2015 08:52

Sorry it's so long!!

OP posts:
Report
littlejessie · 03/05/2015 08:56

What an arsehole.

Why do you feel you have to tolerate being addressed like that? Do you think he's just done it for so long you're used to it? Personally, I wouldn't have someone in my life who demoralised and bullied me like that. You don't have to accept this from him you know. Flowers

Report
pictish · 03/05/2015 08:56

Well...he's practically trying to summon you isn't he? No chance!
Just leave it. He's not the boss of you however much he clearly thinks he is.

Report
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/05/2015 08:58

He was emotionally abusive when younger and he still is; he has not altered in terms of overall personality. Its not your fault he is the way he is. He has and will always fail you. The man sends you text messages, he cannot even be bothered to speak to you.

You will not be able to get your perfectly valid point of view across to him because he does not want to know. He will never accept any views other than his own. Such men like him hate women, all of them.

All you can really do here is block his means of communicating with you. Also let him go and instead grieve for the relationship for your Dad you should have had but through no fault of your own did not.

Report
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 03/05/2015 09:03

You're still behaving like a bullied child and you need to break free. Stop inviting him every week! Stop making the effort. He's a nasty bully and he will bully your kids too if you
Let him.

Report
Quitelikely · 03/05/2015 09:03

Why are you tolerating this?

I would tell him his texts are uncalled for and needy. You have made it clear he is welcome to come and visit yet he didn't really want that. He just wanted an argument.

Honestly I just couldn't be bothered with this type of behaviour!

Report
BingBong36 · 03/05/2015 09:06

Thanks all. The text had me in tears, I am usually very strong, but it brings ALOT of old feeling back.

You are right Atilla he will never listen to anyone else's point if view. He has never said sorry to any of us.

I really do not know what to do, do I invited him next weekend (husband is still away) or so I reply, I nearly txt the following:

Please do not send me any more shitty txt messages like the one you did Friday night as I just won't respond. I have you various options to come and see us but you turned those down so do not complain that I do not ever invite you when I do!

The problem with that we will end up having a row. My dad said himself a short while ago that if him
And I full out again it would be 'terminal'!!

OP posts:
Report
BingBong36 · 03/05/2015 09:08

Quiikely that is quite a good response. I feel like I need to say something but I'm also scared.

OP posts:
Report
crje · 03/05/2015 09:10

Avoid him

I don't see my dad because I didn't want my kids to see him treat me badly. It ok to walk away from people if they aren't good for you regardless of who they are.

Report
abbykins3 · 03/05/2015 09:13

You have done everything right and except for a short period he has done everything wrong.

I would start to ignore his contacts and come to terms with the fact he's a lost cause.

Report
Suzietastic · 03/05/2015 09:14

I lime quitelikely's response too. You need to take control or he will continue to bully you. You are a grown woman now - he doesn't get to be rude to you or boss you around and get away with it.

Report
BingBong36 · 03/05/2015 09:15

Thanks. Thing is when he comes round he is very charming funny, kids love him etc

It's so hard. He is great with my children apart from once when he had a go at my son for snatching the hose from him with excitement and my dad told him off and said he should have some manners and 'I'm his grandfather have some respect'

I told him there and then never to speak to my kids like that again!

My son still remembers that and he was only 3.

OP posts:
Report
pictish · 03/05/2015 09:16

He's trying to control the situation and will fall back on his old pal emotional abuse to do it.

You have been perfectly reasonable and accommodating. Basically, he expects to call the shots and you go scuttling. He even uses vague threats to get his way. This is because he is a controller and what's more...thinks he has every right.

If you have another fall out it will be terminal? Good...good!

Report
brusselsproutwarning · 03/05/2015 09:16

Stop with the invites, stop with the texting. Whatever you say to him he will twist it and turn it into an argument. Not worth your time or love.

Report
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/05/2015 09:16

People like your dad like nothing more than being provided with ammo to provoke further argument. Any communication from you will set off that chain of events. No matter how nice and reasonable you are, he will make it all out to be your fault because he will always refuse to take any responsibility here. (His own father was likely the same).

Do not set yourself up to be further hurt by wanting to say your piece. He is not at all bothered and it would be a mistake to have any further contact with him.

You really do not need to say anything more to him, you really owe him nothing at all. He failed you when you were a child and still does the self same behaviours now. People like him do not change.

Report
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/05/2015 09:18

Abusers can be charm personified to those in the outside world but its an act and not one he can ever maintain. You have seen and know the real him and the real him is not a nice man at all. He is not built that way.

Report
BingBong36 · 03/05/2015 09:24

Thanks all.

Your replies are very helpful, I've never actually spoken to anyone about any of this before. My husband has an amazing dad and just doesn't get the deep impact he has on me.

Yes, his own dad was a controlling alcoholic. Ironically my dad hardly ever visited his own parents, hypocrite!!!

He also invites my younger brother for dinner once a week and never me. He says 'your brother comes once a week, there is no favouritism tho so don't think there is'. I said 'of course that's fine I'm not like that and it doesn't bother me'

Truth is, I don't want to go!!

OP posts:
Report
Meerka · 03/05/2015 09:26

Listen to what he says. If he and you have a fall out, it will be terminal.

But if you don't do exactly what he says, when, asking how high to jump on the way up he gets nasty as heck with you.

He wants control of you. He wants you to jump to his bidding and ask how high on the way up. He also doesn't want to have to bother with you except when it's convenient to him ... eg not bothering ot pick you up, not bothering with presents.

If you don't jump to his control and ask how high on the way up, these texts will continue.

step back and look at him for what he is and what he's doing to you.

He will also start on your children as they get older.

The healthy thing here is to tell him nto to speak to you like that, that you have offered and now it's his turn to attempt to arrange soemthign reasonable with you.

If he gets upset, repeat don't speak to me like that again. Hold your boundaries here.

you have to face that he might walk away. But do you really want to be treated like this for the rest of your life and for him to treat your children like this too? He will start on them as they get their own minds.

Report
claravine · 03/05/2015 09:28

He sounds awful op, I wouldn't make any effort to smooth it over or reason with him, either he behaves like a grown up or he doesn't deserve to be around your kids

Report
BingBong36 · 03/05/2015 09:29

Thanks meerka, very sound advice x

OP posts:
Report
cozietoesie · 03/05/2015 09:33

Does your father drink himself?

Report
BingBong36 · 03/05/2015 09:36

Yes he does drink, he stopped for a while but I'm wondering wher he has started again.

OP posts:
Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Cabrinha · 03/05/2015 09:42

Why on EARTH are you letting him treat you like this?
And putting him in your children's lives so that he can treat them that way too?

Text him "I'm not putting up with this anymore, fuck off".

Then block his number.

He's an arsehole. Stop accommodating that. It's really OK to cut shit like that out of your life, you know.

Report
Branleuse · 03/05/2015 09:49

your dad sounds like mine. A narcissist. I had my lightbulb moment in therapy a couple of years ago. He started on my son last year so i have gone NC. Im happier for it, but i still have hurt.
He hasnt attempted to fight for me. Hes a cunt.

I think youd be happier if you stopped trying to make an unworkable situation work. Youve already given him enough chances

Report
BingBong36 · 03/05/2015 09:56

Thanks. I think I am going to end up texting him back I keep writing and deleting, then I get butterflies..

OP posts:
Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.