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Relationships

OW and ex ruined me...

87 replies

ilosteverything · 21/02/2015 15:18

Long story short. I have been separated from ex for 2 years due to affair with much younger girl. We have one DD aged 8.
I thought I was moving on, everything was getting better, I detached completely from them and went NC with ex. I have been getting counselling, been on antidepressants but generally was moving on.
I blamed ex for all but also OW as she kept lying about everything, she did not step back when I asked. When my ex and myself tried to reconcile at some point, she was still there, always ready for his moment of weakness. There were loads of horrible situations including me and my daughter catching them in bed or meeting her going out of our house, or her cruising in her car around my workplace with her friends. She never has shown any remorse, she was just laughing straight in my face and even said openly she cares only about her being happy with my ex.

Last week I met her by accident in the city. We had an argument and she was again laughing at me and saying that she has him now and doesn't care about my daughter suffering or mine. She was extremely rude. I've lost it and slapped her in the face. I do not remember actual hitting her but there is evidence I did. Everything was recorded on cctv and there apparently was a witness. She called the police and I walked away. I could not even recall the events properly.
I wasn't arrested and went to the police station couple of days later to explain I was provoked by someone responsible for breakdown of my marriage.

The result is that I am facing the prospect of being cautioned by police and the caution will go onto my criminal record. I am in full time employment that involves working with children. I know this will end my career instantly as I will have to disclose it to my employer and they will have to dismiss me. I do not even know how much time do I have to disclose it, or can I just leave work first to avoid further humiliation.
Ex asked her not to press charges but she refuses... she wants revenge. I met with her and apologised, still it is not enough...

I am going to solicitors on Monday to learn about any options. But it looks like I do not have many. Could anybody support me with any words of wisdom... I haven't been practically eating for a couple of days, cannot sleep, my child is distressed. Just waiting for my parents to come to take care of my girl. I cannot believe this is happening to me...

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thenightsky · 21/02/2015 15:22

Oh good grief, you poor woman. It sounds like you were hugely provoked and have been so for a long time. Good luck with the solicitors on Monday. I really hope they can help.

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FlyingPirate · 21/02/2015 15:23

I don't have any advice but Flowers for you. You've obviously been having a very hard time. I'm sure someone will be along with some advice shortly

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Coconutty · 21/02/2015 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 21/02/2015 15:25

Why do you think accepting a caution will result in your dismissal?

What happens if you decline to accept said caution? Would the police have enough evidence to press ahead with a prosecution? Perhaps not. Seems like a lot of public funds to expend for the sake of a completely provoked, and very possibly calculated, slap across the face.

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ilosteverything · 21/02/2015 15:26

If I receive a caution it is going in my file as a spent caution immediately so I do not have to disclose it for any employment apart from a couple of exclusions and working with kids and vulnerable people is one of these exclusions... I am so upset I feel like losing my mind now...

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cozietoesie · 21/02/2015 15:28

Your employer won't necessarily have to dismiss you - wait and see. In the interim, I'd use the weekend to detail all the events which have happened to you leading up to this incident. It's often easier to talk about things if you have written it down first.

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ilosteverything · 21/02/2015 15:29

If I decline to accept it, it goes to court. In order to be proved not guilty i would have to prove I was not aware of what I was doing. Even if I was able to do it due to extreme stress, I might lose job or my child ...
And there is cctv proving I did slap her.

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Miggsie · 21/02/2015 15:30

You need to write down now a list of all incidents that have happened including as much of the conversation that she is referring to as you can.

You can then use it to show a pattern of provocation and almost stalking of you by her when you see the solicitor and then police. Be quite clear to them that this is the last in a long line of poor behaviour by her towards you.

You probably have grounds for a counter suit against her.
I would be surprised if the police press charges against a woman being slapped by another woman, in fact her calling the police would strengthen your case that she is pursuing and victimising you.

In future you need to avoid her totally (easier said than done) and if you do see her, blank her totally. If your ex left you for her he is a poor judge of character and you are better off without him. Focus on your child and not on her.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2015 15:30

I think you have a fairly good case for demonstrating to any investigating officer that you have been living under extreme stress, your normal mental balance has been disturbed and that what happened was completely out of character. Even if she insists on pressing charges, are you sure that a police caution would be so catastrophic for your job? Would it be worth pre-empting anything by talking to your employer in advance.

Finally, it sounds as though you're only going to find peace when your ex and his new partner are at a distance from your life - although you seem to place disproportionate blame on her rather than him which is interesting. Understand why you would be angry and hurt but, two years on, you're obviously still in an acute condition. Detachment may not be enough.

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ressyHedMair · 21/02/2015 15:31

You poor thing. I feel sorry for you.

It takes more than two years to completely get over something so painful.

Brew

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cozietoesie · 21/02/2015 15:32

PS - when someone has a police record, an employer should have to 'risk assess' that person in light of the job they're currently doing and the circumstances of the offence. Not all incidents are regarded as relevant to the job - and even if it was, just, an employer might well seek to employ a valued staff member in another role.

It's hard to get through the weekend but just wait until Monday.

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NickiFury · 21/02/2015 15:32

I think it's highly unlikely to go to court, it has to be in the public interest to do so and with a high possibility of conviction. I wouldn't accept the caution, no way, if you do you'll be dismissed from your job anyway. At least this gives you breathing space and a pretty good chance of no further action. Post in legal too.

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ressyHedMair · 21/02/2015 15:32

yes, write down every single incident that has been distressing for you.

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NickiFury · 21/02/2015 15:33

Oh and she sounds like a total twat. Sadly I well believe that such a person exists having been "friends" with someone who wished a miscarriage on the DP of the man she was having it off with Angry.

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DrownedGirl · 21/02/2015 15:39

Does your contract say you have to disclose any cautions?
What sort of employer do you have? Is it a school, or a private sector nursery, or what? When was your last DBS check?

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Quitelikely · 21/02/2015 15:40

OP it is my understanding that you can refuse to accept the police caution and they can then decide to prosecute you or drop the matter.

If I was you I would try to speak to the investigating officer and explain the circumstances, how you were provoked and see what they think the likelihood is of it going to court.

Could be worth a shot.

Also your employer will not necessarily dismiss you. They will take things into account and your story will be able to be corroborated by police records.

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ilosteverything · 21/02/2015 15:43

I posted in employment as well.
I do not blame her more than ex. i blame them both, him more. Yes, he is a total twat and dickhead but still he is the dad of my child and I had to get on with him somehow. He is an alcoholic with mental health issues so I know I am better of without him, it was only my daughter who loves him dearly who made me even consider us getting back together at any point, when he had a moment of remorse. I offered him help, support, therapy. Was not interested in the long run...

I lost it with her because I just cannot get my head around it how much rotten she is, knowing how distressed my girl has been to exposure to it all... having seen 'daddy' in bed with other woman and meeting her on various occasions. It is just the fact that this woman has no dignity and has the guts to triumph when she should just keep it low. She has what she wanted, right...

She keeps claiming I am stalking her and being agressive (!) because every single time I met her there was an argument between us and obviously there were swear words and too many emotions...

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HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 21/02/2015 15:43

Good questions from DrownedGirl.

If you are disqualified from working with children under the Children's Act 2009 (I think it is) you or your employer can apply for a waiver from Ofsted (if we are talking about a school / nursery / childminding setting). You would be suspended (normally with pay) while this came in.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2015 15:44

I think the ex sounds like a bigger twat. He seems to have cracked onto the OP that he was lured into continuing the relationship against his better judgement, he's lied about wanting to reconcile and then - to add insult to injury - he's doing nothing about his new partner making life unpleasant for the mother of his child. (And yes, if he really wanted to, he could get her to drop the charges and make sure his own daughter has a mother still gainfully employed) Yet another pathetic excuse of a man waiting for a spine donor.... and quite happy to blame all his many nasty failings on everyone but himself.

I think the OP has been sold a line and is focusing her anger on the wrong person. The one she should be frustrated and upset with.... the one she can't slap because he's hiding behind his new girlfriend.... is the ex.

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Finola1step · 21/02/2015 15:45

A caution in itself may not result in immediate dismissal. Discuss your options with a solicitor first. Are you in a Union? If so, can you contact your Regional Rep and ask them off the record what the union's advice would be in the event of a caution.

I understand your concern. I work in Primary Education. A caution would result in a risk assessment. This would be your opportunity to put your side of the story.

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ilosteverything · 21/02/2015 15:50

I am working in a primary school. I want to go and speak to head anyway, just explain what happened and be totally open about it all. She knows more less the story of my separation and is very supportive. I love my job and have been very successful in it, have wonderful friends and colleagues there, my child is a pupil at my school. The vision of losing it all is unbearable...

I have read about applying for a waiver to OFSTED but will the school do it... and will it be granted...

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RandomNPC · 21/02/2015 15:52

Don't panic yet, a friend of mine was cautioned for assault and she is allowed to continue to work as a nurse. Our CRB checks are very stringent. Make sure you are completely honest, and explain any mitigating circumstances.

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lucymam · 21/02/2015 15:53

You do have to disclose a caution. No it will not automatically lead to your dismissal. Your employer has to meet with you and look at the circumstances of the offence. I don't know how your employer will react, but if it was just a slap, then I know some employers would take no action and cotinue to employ you.

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ressyHedMair · 21/02/2015 15:53

Don't tell the school anything yet

The whole thing might be dropped and then you'd have to worry about word of mouth!

Just hold off going to your employers for now. Presumably they know your character and know you've had it rough the last two years.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2015 15:58

I'm sure you could speak to your head off the record.

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