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Original poster

Age differences: does it matter?!?!

119 replies

NotAMamaYet · 30/01/2015 15:43

Me and DP have an age gap of 12 years... most people are uber taken aback (given we met when I was officially a teenager) and I have to admit before him I would have been a wee bit shocked at 12 years

obviously there are some discrepancies in the way we live etc, he was v eager for kids very early on in our relationship, I still like to go out and have a drink or two or ten which he does aswell, but maybe not the regularity I do Blush

also there have been a few issues with friends - he totally isn't eager to meet mine but I am obliged (and totally don't actually mind) meeting all his

HOWEVER - always warned by people that it'll never work, age difference causes way too many problems and that basically we are destined to end up breaking up.

is anyone else in a big age gap relationship and was this the same for you??

OP posts:
talbotinthesky · 30/01/2015 15:57

I'm not in a relationship at the moment but my ex gf was 10 years older than me. I've never met anyone I get on so well with. The age difference was nothing to do with why we split, neither of us gave it a second thought really.
Don't worry too much about what people think, as long as you both want the same thing there shouldn't be a problem.
I wouldn't be happy that your partner won't meet your friends though!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2015 15:58

What matters most is compatibility. If you have a lot in common, share the same values, enjoy the same things and have a similar view of the future then age gaps don't matter so much. However, if friends are telling you that he's not right for you, do listen to any genuine concerns rather than writing it off as knee jerk prejudice.

Quitelikely · 30/01/2015 16:34

In answer to your question I always think 'different ages, different stages'

I'm a cautious person by nature and for that reason I wouldn't go there!?

MauriceTheCat · 30/01/2015 16:35

We were 18 and 33 when meet. 21 and 36 when we married... 21 years, two stints where we have lived and worked in different countries, two very successful careers, one in medicine and one in law and two adopted children later we are very happy.

But I was born an old sole and only really felt my age once I hit 40

MauriceTheCat · 30/01/2015 16:36
  • soul even... who says doctors need to write!
holeinmyheart · 30/01/2015 16:52

Of course compatibly is one of the keys to a relationship.
However, there are other considerations involved when you have long time relationship with someone much older than you. Their siblings and immediate relations may be older than him, so if they have children they will be older than yours, so they won't be close cousins to yours.

His Parents will much older than you and they may well need looking after at a time when you have young children. They may not be able to help with yours either if they are incapacitated.

He will retire before you and may not be so active. You may well find that just when you are vigorous and full of life and ready to travel, he is slumped in front of a TV.
You may also possibly be a Widow for a long time as Men die generally before women. So I hope your pension arrangements are good , as you may be left a poor Widow.

My Aunt married someone 15 years older than her and looked after him for years in his old age. My SIL is married to someone 12 years older than her and he is retired and she still works, which is not ideal as he does not pull his weight and is getting old and grumpy. She's out playing Tennis and cycling and he has a bad back and does not have the same energy.

Having written all this gloomy stuff, only you know how you feel. No one knows what's going to happen in any relationship in the future and you could both live into ripe old age and be very happy.

GingerPuddin · 30/01/2015 16:56

There's nearly a 20 year age difference between my inlaws. My FIL is now going through some poor health and it's very tough on my mil but really at any age your spouse having cancer is tough. But they've been married over 40 years. If you love each other and are suited to each other age is just a number (as long as you are both adults).

warysara · 30/01/2015 17:06

It doesn't seem to matter much in middle-life (20's - 40's perhaps even 50's) but as age creeps up it can be a problem.

SalvatoreGirl · 30/01/2015 17:14

There's 20 year between hubby & me - we've been married 38yrs next month.
I truly believe it depends on how active the older person is - up to 10 years ago when he was diagnosed with bowel cancer DH was very active and did everything someone half his age would.
The last 10 years have been up and down with his health subsequently had 3 more surgeries,diagnosed with Crohn's and spent 3 weeks in intensive care after the last operation all of which has seen his weight and stamina dramatically drop - however all that would have taken it's toll on anyone.
So nowadays life is much quieter, I have retired early to spend more time together and yes I sometimes feel like his carer. But it is all worth it we have a great married life hardly ever row and I know that no one will ever love me as much as he does. We have a wonderful son (26 yrs old)who completes our family (plus our pussycats :-D ).
So yes it can work but like everything else it depends on the compatibility of the people concerned and how much they love each other. There will be obstacles and hiccups you just work through them like any other relationship.
HTH

MessyRedHair · 30/01/2015 17:19

I've done it twice, once 10+ and once ten years younger and imo yes it matters.

I'll be told off as I always am when I give this opinion but I feel youth is something that's bartered up in echanged for something and a the moment of getting together it seems to count for something but then, later, in a relationship the power seems to belong to the wone with more money.

Also on a practical level, having raised children (that job's not finished yet) and having parents who might need care within the next five years, the prospect of facing a future where I had to care for a husband too, that just wouldn't appeal to me.

Also, I just couldn't be attracted to a much older man. 7-10 years, maybe, if they're in good shape and healthy but beyond that, a 12+ age gap, no way.

But if you want that.....................

fwiw, the younger bf, he didn't seem immature, but he was immature in a relationship imo. He wanted to make it serious too soon. He told me he loved me too soon. He hadn't learned enough from previous mistakes!!!

Give me somebody my own age roughly, in a perfect world.

Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 30/01/2015 17:25

We're totally compatible - opposites in many ways but get on totally well and he makes me laugh more than anyone else cringe

He's super active - being only 32!! - but already there does seem days where he's too tired to do things when I would normally want to go out. Is this a sign of things to come??

His work is stressful which might contribute to that I suppose.

The reason this has all come to a head is that although we've been unofficially living together, he's thinking of taking a job and moving house (he's currently renting whilst transitioning jobs) and has asked me to move in with him.

This would involve me relocating my entire life and really committing. Something I only want to do if I'm completely sure.... obviously only I can know that though..... confused!!

seems like a huge leap for a 20yr old. all my other friends are still 'who shagged who'..... i do feel older than my friends in many ways but wonder if moving in with someone, so soon (been together a year) maybe will hurry on things cough babies cough sooner than necessary maybe

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Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 30/01/2015 17:25

in a total dither.... that message above was just typing whatever came to my head... got 4 weeks to decide and suddenly today had huge meltdown!

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Buttercup27 · 30/01/2015 17:27

My Dh is 10 years older than me. We've been together 10 years this year and married 5 years. We got together when I was 18 .

FriendlyAppleEater · 30/01/2015 17:27

it probably makes more of difference when you're older but it doesn't really matter what other people think. When I got together with DP all her friends tried to warn her off me at uni, they didn't know me & this was based on a story they had heard about me which was only partially true. However that was 1999 and we're married & super super happy, all her other friends' relationships have fallen apart long ago so don't listen to much to what other people say.

Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 30/01/2015 17:28

messyredhair YES!! money totally plays a huge part in it all, he is very well paid for his age and has worked hard for it ... but totally makes me feel very much the underdog in the relationship as in that respect, i contribute nothing like what he does.....

also - he really doesnt look 32, I'd place him late 20's in looks... he gets mistaken for a student a lot aswell poor thing

although maturity wise he seems much older than his friends his age

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MessyRedHair · 30/01/2015 17:29

Why though, are you obliged to meet his friends but he simply chooses not to meet yours.

That sounds like precisely the sort of imbalance I'd be wary of in an age gap relationship. Not saying he's not nice otherwise.

You're only 20?

That is too young to have children to suit somebody else's schedule. If he puts pressure on you to have children 1) before you're ready and 2) doubly so if he's doing it before you're about 25 then I think he' could be gearing up for a lifetime of being the boss in the couple.

Making the big decisions.

Do you want children? IF you were with a 20 year old would you want children? If the answer is no, then don't be talked in to it.

Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 30/01/2015 17:30

buttercup and friendly - oh yay!

Yes, I also think once people see us together it doesnt seem as strange.

just on paper only just 20 and 32 sounds not too great!

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2015 17:31

Don't relocate your entire life for someone who won't meet your friends and is already talking babies... There is a dynamic that I've seen a few too many times where (usually) a much older man charms a naive young woman, separates her from the herd, gets her installed in a house far from friends and family, pregnant, dependent. ..... and then reveals the 'real him' as not being as advertised.

Hope that doesn't hapoen to you but please think long and hard about the realities rather than be swept along in a romantic haze.

AlleyCat11 · 30/01/2015 17:33

Mine's 9 years older than me. Sometimes I think it's too late for babies. At nearly 50, he might be too old. I'm in the last chance saloon at almost 40. The age difference is colouring my decision to have kids, or not. If I really wanted them, then I wouldn't be with this guy. But, I'm more interested in a relationship / marriage. It's the only deal breaker I can think of...

Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 30/01/2015 17:34

messyredhair i once voiced my opinions on meeting all his friends/family/extended family.... i find the whole thing totally scary and although i come across confident it's so daunting. he seemed super cross and accused me of not wanting to 'integrate myself' into his life

when i turned it around on him he said my friends were immature and that it would be a waste of time him hanging round with them..... he wouldnt feel comfortable etc, whereas i'm apparently a social butterfly....

Hmm
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Original poster
NotAMamaYet · 30/01/2015 17:36

cognito i have spent time living with him recently and living with someone definitely does show new colours and a different side to him

is this a bad sign?

was dead set on the idea, but woken up this morning in total panic. maybe that's answer in itself??

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2015 17:36

The man's an entitled cock Hmm. Don't you see what he's doing?

MessyRedHair · 30/01/2015 17:36

What I'd do in your shoes is present him with your life plan.

It doesn't have to be your real carved in stone life plan. But you could say that you want to achieve x, y and z before the age of 24, have two years work experience, then get married, enjoy married life for a year or two and then have a child.

That is a very reasonable schedule for somebody your age, in fact, the average age to have a child is about 31 so it'd still be a compromise I think (or maybe not for yOU personally but earlier than is Average)

It would be very telling to see how he reacts to your life plan. I'm not saying this has to be your life plan. But present him with the sort of life schedule that you would want in your perfect world if you were with a man your own age. A no compromise-what suits you schedule. See how he reacts to that. His reaction will be very telling.

Also look out for him mansplaining things to you. The next time there's a decision to be made, where to live, what car to buy, put forward your own opinion with the absolute assumption that your opinion is equal to his.

Take note of his reaction. Does he respect you as an equal in the relationship or does he enjoy the power of being the boss. The comfort of just knowing he can, if he 'needs' to rail road over you and get your own way.

i didn't even think of this as an age gap relationship but my second boyfriend was 4.5 years older than me when i was 20 and he was 24-25. He had a ferocious habit of explaining everything to me. When we approached something differently, it wasn't even like it was open for a reasonable discussion because his default position was that his view was better, more considered, more intelligent, blah blah ..... all nonsense. He wasn't a bad guy either. Just he 'enjoyed the privilege' of being in charge. he wouldn't have acknowledged that.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2015 17:37

Yes, it's a bad sign.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/01/2015 17:41

'Super cross' because you were nervous at meeting his family? Making accusations? But he's superior to your friends? Hmm