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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I don't know what to do.

78 replies

drowning14 · 15/01/2015 15:03

From lurking on here for a while I think I know what the answer is going to be and I've already written one post and deleted it.

Been with DH for 8.5 years and we have 2 DS. He is awful with money, always have been. I work full time and have a fairly decent job, pays minimum wage but its stable and has propects. Because of his total uselessness with money our money has always been separate. He had what he earned self employed and tax credits into his bank and with that he paid rent and I pad various other bills. That's how it has always been. So a year ago we had gone out and I forgot something, I nipped back home and found a letter from the landlord saying that we owed two months rent. I hadn't got a clue and we had a huge argument and my dad kindly lent us the money (into DH's bank) to pay off the arrears. I never heard any more of it so assumed everything was sorted.

Fast forward to September this year, we return home after the school run to find two bailiffs, a locksmith and the landlord on our drive. He hadn't paid rent and had gotten us evicted. He hid everything, including court papers from me, he had gone to the effort of intercepting the post! I hadn't got a clue. I had to rehome our much loved family pets, my children lost their house, it was probably the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I sent him packing to his mothers. I slept on my parents front room floor while I got myself together and a month later I got a tiny house near my parents. In the meantime DH made all the right noise, promised to sort himself out etc etc. Soon he started staying in the house and pretty much moved in again.

But nothing has changed. I now pay for everything, while running the house, looking after the kids (school age luckily) and working. He's lying about money again, he had no money for xmas so I paid for everything and it just turned out that he pressured my sister into a catalogue account so he could buy me something, which he hasn't paid her for so she's now paying. He also owes other friends and family money (my dad 2.5k :( )

I'm pretty sure his bank account has been shut down (although he swears not) because he had £300 put in last week saying that he wanted to 'help' me out, but then he's had my bank card all week so he's spent it. If I took it out of his wallet, he'd find the bloody thing and put it back in! I asked him to nip and get £20 from the cashpoint this morning for school things, and when I checked my bank he'd took £60 and given me £20 :( and he took a further £20 yesterday that I'd known nothing about. But then he makes me feel bad because it was 'his' £300 and he started shouting that I was 'questioning him' and in the end I feel like I'm being unreasonable that I'm upset he's taken it out of my bank.

Sorry it's a bit rambly :(
I can't talk to him because he shouts and screams and I'm so stressed worrying about paying for everything I feel like I'm drowning :(

OP posts:
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PurpleWithRed · 15/01/2015 15:07

He is a thief, stealing from you and from his own children. Chuck him back out and see a solicitor immediately about declaring you are not responsible for his debts.

So sorry, but he's not going to change. You need to protect yourself and your children.

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Justmuddlingalong · 15/01/2015 15:09

Put him out. He's being secretive, has and is causing you stress. You and your kids would be more settled without him staying there.

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Nolim · 15/01/2015 15:09

He is taking advantage of you. Do you think he is going to change? He already had you evicted once. Either you make some changes or it is the same thing all over again.

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mummyofonesofar · 15/01/2015 15:10

Before you posted this I think you know the answer as you said. As a little niggle, him saying he is giving you money to "help you out" would be enough for me to kick him to the kerb, you are paying everything for the children it isn't "help" that he is giving you it is what would be expected with him paying proper maintenance for your children. I hope you have tax credits now paid into your account not his.

I understand you wanted to give him another chance - maybe things got on top of him before and he was to embarrassed to tell you the truth but by the time you were all evicted everything was out in the open and there was no need for the lies.

Change your pin so if he does take your card he cannot remove money - DO NOT trust him with your pin ever again and leave him.

Sorry I can't bring myself to type any "maybe he will change" nonsense. I feel really harsh saying all this but if you can't trust him with something as simple as not stealing from you then I don't think there is much hope.

Be strong Flowers

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juneau · 15/01/2015 15:12

Oh God, kick him out once and for all! How much more abuse are you going to take? He's a liar and a thief and he's robbing you blind. He may be your husband, but come on woman, grow a spine and LTB before he takes you for every single penny you have and loses you this new home too.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/01/2015 15:12

"I can't talk to him because he shouts and screams "

That's not a man who is sorry or trying to make amends. He's an aggressive lying cheat who is not fit to be part of a family. He is the source of all the stress. Please tell him to leave and start looking at the implications of divorce. You'll be no worse off than you are now and, once the finances have been settled you may even be better off as a single woman.

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maras2 · 15/01/2015 15:12

Sweetheart.Read this through again then tell me one thing here that sounds right and conducive to a happy relationship.OK? Now chuck the low life thieving loser out.He is bad for you and your kids.You know that you're quite capable of going it alone and your parents sound lovely and supportive.If you were my daughter I'd say the same.Good luck.

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HootyMcTooty · 15/01/2015 15:17

This is more than him just being bad with money. He's completely and utterly taking advantage of you. If your house is rented in your name only you can have him removed from the property. Do it. Ensure that all contact with DCs takes place outside of your home so that he can't worm his way back in. Change your pins on your cards.

If you're separated and you put in a claim for child maintenance you'll get more from him than you are currently.

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CatThiefKeith · 15/01/2015 15:26

My money is in him being a gambler op, but either way, this man has stolen from you and you need to get rid. Thanks

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drowning14 · 15/01/2015 15:34

Thanks everyone, it's what I needed to hear even though it's not what I want hear. The house is in my name, I wasn't making that mistake again. I told him earlier he needs to go to his mums but he begs and pleads with me and it's so bloody hard. Why can't the right answer be the easiest :( I wish I could be tough like all of you!

I honestly don't know what his money goes on, he doesn't smoke or drink or go out with his friends.

OP posts:
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GoatsDoRoam · 15/01/2015 15:36

You do know what to do.

You must.

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GoatsDoRoam · 15/01/2015 15:38

oh sorry x-post.

OK, how's this to galvanise you: balance his "pleas", against the fact that you had to re-home your pets and your children lost their home.

Pleas indeed Hmm. The man deserves none of your pity or consideration.

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GoatsDoRoam · 15/01/2015 15:41

I mean seriously. Your own children, and living breathing feeling animals, had to suffer loss and hardship because the tosser can't manage money or speak the truth, like the grown-ass man he's meant to be.

How can you suffer to have him under your roof for even 1 second?

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Jan45 · 15/01/2015 15:43

It's not about being tough, get rid, he's an absolute disgrace and will drain you dry, he's the most important person in his life, you and the family are way behind him.

It's common sense, just tell him to go, take him back if you want but not until he can prove to you that he can actually act like a reasonable adult, which, after reading, is highly unlikely, or let his fake tears fool you and expect more shit your way.

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minibmw2010 · 15/01/2015 15:45

You have to get rid of him, you must !! Why are you asking him to go to the cashpoint for you, knowing how bad he is ?? He took £60 but only gave you £20 ... that's just wrong. He can't find your card if you keep it on you at all times. He has to go.

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confusedandemployed · 15/01/2015 15:45

It's all been said. Bin him. It may be hard now but it will be so much easier when he's fucked off.

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EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 15/01/2015 15:46

He's a thief, an emotional abuser, a financial abuser, a liar, a sneaky immature prick and he's fucking up your life and that of your children.

Where on earth is the quandary here?

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minibmw2010 · 15/01/2015 15:46

And my bet on what he's doing with it is gambling. Just my guess if he's not a smoker or drinker.

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Primaryteach87 · 15/01/2015 15:47

I'm someone who has a joint account, everything shared etc. But what he is doing is totally beyond the pale. I can't imagine how awful it must have been to lose your home like that. I'm not a big fan of LTB but he hasn't changed. If he wants to be in a relationship with you he needs to get a steady income that is paid into your account until he can show he is trusted. If he baulks at that then you have no choice.

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BitOutOfPractice · 15/01/2015 15:50

It must be gambling.

OP you know what to do. Wishing you strength to do the right thing

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paddlenorapaddle · 15/01/2015 15:51

What Ehric said !

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ChippingInLatteLover · 15/01/2015 15:51

Pack his bags, change the locks, don't look back.

Sorry, got to run, should be in the car... Eek.

But that's the bottom line.

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Fluffycloudland77 · 15/01/2015 15:53

I'd send him back to mummy, report the theft to the police & register as a single parent with ctc etc.

In the long run, if you stay, he will bleed you dry.

You're already running the show so it's not like you need him, & it's one less mouth to feed.

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LisaMed · 15/01/2015 15:55

I suggest that you leave your bank card at work and change the PIN for the first move.

Whatever you do, keep his access to cash limited to what he earns. For heaven's sakes, keep the children's money boxes hidden or at your mother's. My father stole hundreds over the years from our money boxes, and that was forty years ago.

My suggestion, which is only a suggestion, is that next time he is kicking off keep remembering how your children reacted to losing their home. Keep remembering scraping the money together to get your own place to keep your children safe.

Sending hugs.

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ClockwiseCat · 15/01/2015 16:02

Your children lost their home over this man. You gave him another chance and he's blowing it again.

You know what you have to do. He doesn't care about you or the children. He only cares about his own desires.

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