He doesn't want to get married.......

[mouseblue]

My partner of 19 years guessed that I planned to propose to him next year to celebrate our 20 years together. We've talked about it and he says he doesn’t want to get married as it may change things. But I do want to get married. I now feel very sad and feel it’s affected our strong and loving relationship. How can I come back from this?

[clatterpillar]

What is the situation regarding money, employment, home-ownership and children?

[Trills]

There are two ways to look at it

1 - you had a "strong and loving relationship" before, and you were not married and not planning to be married, so nothing has really changed.

2 - are you sure you really did have such a "strong and loving relationship" if after all this time you both didn't know how the other felt about marriage?

[Only1scoop]

What's changed that you want to propose after all this time?.... I guess I'm wondering why you haven't got around to it before now if I'm honest....

Has he explained how he's worried about change?

[tribpot]

And likewise what are yours to want to?

I can completely see both sides of the argument here - you've been together forever, marriage won't change the strength of your bond and it's a public opportunity to celebrate your love. On his side, if you wanted or needed to get married you would have done it by now, why go through all that stress for something that doesn't matter?

Could you compromise on a commitment ceremony?

[PattyPenguin]

I second Clatterpillar's questions.

[Penfold007]

What were you planning to do when he declined your proposal?

You now know how he feels about marriage so you need to think about what you do next.

[Pagwatch]

Yes - my opinion will depend entirely upon the answer to clatterpillar's questions.

[LisaMed]

Who will bury him if he drops dead tomorrow? It won't be you, you have no rights.

How about wills, pensions, rights to certain benefits, etc?

When were the children born? If they were born before a particular date (may be 2003 but happy to be corrected) and he hasn't applied for PR then if you drop dead he will have no rights to guardianship of the children, no say in education, medical issues etc.

He has been honest about how he feels. Whether it is a deal breaker or not is up to you. However you need to get the legals in place until you either separate or marry.

I really hope it works out for you.

[firesidechat]

So many questions.

Have you always wanted to get married to him?

Did he know this?

Why now?

How on earth have you got to 19 years without this being discussed? I'm not trying to be rude, but whether one or other of a couple wants to get married is a big thing and it must have come up at some point.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Do you have DCs together? Any awkward family history on either side that puts him off the idea?

I think after so long as a couple he could at least consider it simply because as you have raised it, it would make you happy. If he has thought about it deeply but still rejects the notion I don't know what could sway him.

As it is he already gets all the benefits of having a wife when he is living with you. If he's by nature anti-change or slow to compromise he'll see living together as a less risky proposition than marriage.

[WildBillfemale]

If after 19 years he doesn't want to get married then it's not going to happen. If it's that important to you leave and find someone else.

[Shedwood]

Please ensure you have all the legal elements of your partnership drawn up if you are going to stay in a relationship with this man.

Why not make an appointment for the two of you to go to a solicitor and let them explain the benefits of being married Vs not, and also the cost of ensuring you're both protected legally if one of you dies/gets sick/leaves. It may be that he realises marriage is actually the easier option.

That said I couldn't be with someone who wasn't prepared to marry me for love, not just convenience.

[mouseblue]

thanks everyone for all your responses. TBH being married hasn't really bothered me until now. We have two children together. I feel I wanted to make our family unit more complete and a way to show how much I love my partner by getting married. Also as I get older (and less carefree) I am more aware of the need for both of us and our children to be better protected financially and legally. I can see my partner's point of view, why change things now? But I feel my feelings and needs have been cast aside somewhat as he says he doesn't believe we need to get married to prove our love and commitment. It's a really tricky situation because I feel quite vulnerable and hurt. I guess that will pass.

[Thurlow]

Such a tricky one. It's always a difficulty when one party changes their mind on something as important as this, though of course you are completely entitled to change your mind.

Was not getting married a conscious decision, or something that you sort of drifted in to?

How is the house and the finances and all that split?

There are things you can do to protect yourself and tie yourself together legally - powers of attorney, wills and cohabitation agreements - but they cost a lot more combined than just popping down the registry office.

IMHO, if the reason one party wants to get married is because of legal and financial security then I think they are fine to put their foot down and say it feels essential to them. A SAHP who has little or no income would be very, very foolish to do that without the protection of marriage, and any partner who rejected marriage in that situation would be hugely unfair to do so (and that would be what would make me question their commitment).

However, being blunt, I do think if one party changes their mind on the emotional, 'love' point of marriage then that is different, and the other party is still entirely fair by saying no, they don't want to get married.

But at core it really comes down to the reasons why a marriage didn't take place earlier in a relationship, and the reasons why one or both parties were anti-marriage (and I'm saying that as someone who is consciously unmarried)

[Pagwatch]

You haven't explained the finances.
Do you both work?

[Nanny0gg]

I doubt it will.

And if all the legal niceties aren't in place either then you are all in a complicated and vulnerable position.

Will he at least discuss getting wills and so forth, sorted?

[Only1scoop]

I understand a little of both sides....I have never really wanted to get married.... dp has said on the other hand said he will never get married....

He is 50 I'm 41 we have a dd aged 4....

Property is in both names equally and we went to a solicitor to sort equal power of attorney ....pensions....wills and other legalities that have been worked into a legal agreement....

Not the most romantic way to do things but its working for us and I feel much more secure. I wouldn't just leave things as they are.... you are sensible to request things left open are addressed.

[letmelego]

I can see my partner's point of view, why change things now?

Answer: because you need financial and legal security.

DP and I had complicated situation in terms of children and money/property but he didn't want to get married - he saw it as the ultimate convention, boring, didn't want to stand up in front of lots of people, etc. but I harangued and bludgeoned him into marrying me because I wanted to be in a solid, safe position.

Lots of people will say that they would never do this but I knew DH loved me and wanted his future with me and our family. If I hadn't thought that, I wouldn't have wanted him. You need to work out what his objections are. It may be really simple, i.e. he doesn't want to get into paying for an expensive wedding, ring, etc. or he feels awkward about the ceremony or perhaps he really does think 'changing things' will break the spell.

Insist on a proper discussion - he can't deny you that.

[ArsenicChaseScream]

I am more aware of the need for both of us and our children to be better protected financially and legally. I can see my partner's point of view, why change things now? But I feel my feelings and needs have been cast aside somewhat as he says he doesn't believe we need to get married to prove our love and commitment. It's a really tricky situation because I feel quite vulnerable and hurt.

But do you need protection, legally?

Are you vulnerable, financially?

It isn't clear whether you mean practically or emotionally necauseyou aren't answering the imporatnt questions re house, work, money.

[mouseblue]

My partner works full-time and earns more than I do, I work part-time and have taken several years out of work bringing up the children. We own a house together. And yes, letmelogo, my partner also said he thinks marriage is conventional, and that we don't need to be married to show our commitment. So I guess although I admit it would give me greater security and protection it's not just about that - also about having our relationship recognised formerly. I explained that I just wanted a very small ceremony; us and our children (and maybe our mothers) I never wanted the big overblown event, dress, guest etc. And today marriage does seem to have more status (and legal benefits) for couples than living together does. I agree it's important to look at legal agreements that could be drawn up to give us both more protection but then it feels like that was the only reason I wanted to marry. If I'm honest we did discuss marriage some ten years ago but he said then it wasn't the right time and at the time it didn't seem to matter. But somehow it matters to me now.

[tribpot]

So he's entitled to refuse to get married. But he isn't entitled to refuse to ensure you and your children have the appropriate legal protections, as Only1scoop has done. After those are in place you can have a discussion about whether he is willing to satisfy your wish to make a public declaration of commitment to one another.