Help me ask for my key back

[meltedmonterayjack]

Long story but to make it as short as possible:

I had a friend with benefits. Now we are (at my instigation, just friends).
He has always wanted us to have a proper, live in relationship, whereas I didn't. I had a long, miserable marriage and now relish my own space, time, choices etc. Even if I wanted something more serious, it wouldn't be with him, as much as I care about him.

Anyhow, I let him have a key about 3 years ago. But I no longer want him just walking in whenever he wants. He has problems with boundaries and has a lot of time to fill and sees my place as a bit of a refuge I think.

He had a really grim, abusive childhood and has a lot of issues around abandonment, rejection and friendship so I don't feel he'll take it well if I just ask for my key back. He'll take it that I'm no longer his friend.

Can anyone think of a way of wording the key request that takes into account the fact that he is hyper sensitive and very easily hurt. He'll want to analyse why for ever and a day, and he'll say he won't abuse his key ownership etc, but I know he won't be able to stick to it. He's going to drive me batty trying to work out why and if there's any way I'll change my mind. He can be very persistent and goes on and on about stuff until people either tell him where to go or give in and do what he wants.

I really want to be able to choose when he comes round rather than for him to come and go as he please. Really grateful for suggestions/ideas etc.

[Ringsender2]

change the (barrel of the) lock, then when he says he can't get in, mumble something about, 'oh, did I forget to tell you? I lost my key and had to replace the lock'. He'll ask for a spare, and you can keep fobbing him off about not having had any duplicates made yet. According to lots of other posts on MN, it's about 20 from HomeBase to get a lock barrel for a Yale lock.

[Steben]

Can you change the locks? In all seriousness if you q

[Steben]

Sorry posted too soon, of he says he will give it to you next time he sees you what is to stop him making a copy?

[bouncinbean]

"I need the key back so I can give it to my mum/sister/friend who are going to use the flat next week"

[WitchWay]

If you don't think he'll stick to a new arrangement (i.e. his not letting himself in) then you'll have to either change the lock or add an additional lock or bolt.

If he doesn't give back the key straight away then you don;t know whether he'll have a copy made in the interim.

Trying not to upset him isn't your priority here.

[bouncinbean]

But my preference is to change the barrel - for the reason Steben said. I had to ask an ex for my key back but I just wasn't 100% sure he wouldn't have made a copy.

[AnyFucker]

"I would like my key back, please" should be more than sufficient.

[IthoughtATMwasacashpoint]

Changing the lock would bethe safest option. He oould have a duplicate key cut.

[meltedmonterayjack]

bouncinbean, that's what I'd like to say but we live next door to each other so I can't! He'd know if anyone else was staying in my flat. You have given me an idea though. I'm going away soon and could ask him for it just before I go and say one of my nephews etc is thinking of using my place as a base to see the local area. That it's not definite but probable.

If I had the lock changed he'd offer to pay for a copy of the key himself and never shut up about it!

[meltedmonterayjack]

AnyFucker I can ask for my key back but how would I deal with all the discussion around why that would result. He has to analyse and over-analyse everything and I can't face the thought of him going on and on. It would be a lot easier if it was the end of a relationship and I didn't want to see him again. I do like him a lot though and don't want to end up falling out over this.

[AnyFucker]

I am not sure why you would want to stay friends with someone who would try and manipulate you. If you "cannot face" the fallout, then he is employing emotional blackmail at the very least. "Friends" do not do that to each other. Unless your definition of "friendship" is wildly different to what is actually Healthy ?

[meltedmonterayjack]

AnyFucker, you're right. He does use emotional blackmail/manipulation to get what he wants and it's increasingly wearing me out. I think my question should be re-phrased as, "Help me get the balls to get my key back". I will tell him I want it back and not make an excuse. And when he starts up and wants to discuss it etc, I'll say I'm not prepared to go into a big, long thing about it and that I want to choose when people come in to my flat. If he doesn't like it then he has a choice to accept it or not. He has more to lose than I do.

[AnyFucker]

You've got it

That is exactly what you should say.

[meltedmonterayjack]

He gets back from holiday at the end of the week. I WILL do it. It's been such a lovely week with him away and it's made me realise just how 'in my face' he is. I just needed someone to point out how not ok it is (which I know, but still struggle with) and to find the balls to change the situation.

[AnyFucker]

he honestly doesn't sound like a good friend to me. You owe him nothing, love. Your flat is your own personal space and he has no right at all to trample all over that.

[meltedmonterayjack]

Any thanks. It's taken me way too long to get round to doing this. I'd have thought I'd have learned my lesson having stuck with a miserable relationship for too long and not getting the courage up to change things.

[careeristbitchnigel]

"I had to renew my house insurance and it has gone up massively. The fact that you have a spare key is costing a lot and therefore the insurance company have said the only way to get the premium down is for you to give it back"

How about that ?

[AnyFucker]

I wouldn't fudge it, I really wouldn't (only if you are actually physically frightened of him, of course)

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Pretend to lose your key, go round his and tell him you have lost yours and can you have your key to get in.

Then change the locks. People like him probably have a spare cut anyway.

[meltedmonterayjack]

No, I'm not physically frightened of him. I need to have the guts to tell him I want my key and to choose who comes into my flat. And when. I think he's too used to wearing people down. If he really can't accept it and can't stop trying to make me talk about it, then the friendship will have to end.

[AnyFucker]

Then I really feel this can be a symbolic act. Taking your key back (for the reasons you stated above) puts your relationship with this person on the correct footing it should be on, no more blurred lines.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

If you want it to be a symbolic act; change the locks then ask for your key back as the relationship is over. If he refused, say 'I've changed the locks anyway, as I said, this relationship is over'.

[GrapefruitILoveIt]

just change the locks! never mention the issue again. no need

sure if you ask for the key, he'll only think to himself "she could so easily have changed the locks but she rang me up to ask for the key!"

[OwlCapone]

Even if you get it back, I would change the lock for peace of mind. It is very easy to do.

[meltedmonterayjack]

I do want to make this a symbolic act. I want to be able to know I've learned from what I've been through in the past and am not going to replicate it by not forcing myself to be strong enough to change. I've come such a long way in so many aspects of life but this is a real constant - not being assertive enough and putting my needs first.

I have a bolt on the door so after I've got the key back will bolt it until I know he's not got another key.

I would like to see him once a week, like I do most of my friends. There is no one I want/need to see every single day.