AAARRRGGH so fucked off about DP's housework fail AGAIN!

[BinBagBertha]

Just need a rant!

DP's jobs include doing the dishes each day (we have a dishwasher) and emptying the kitchen bin when it's full. (I have my own jobs including shopping, cooking and laundry - it's divided fairly)

I am so FUCKING FED UP of him deciding he will just leave it. Oh I'll do the dishes tomorrow. Yes and that means they will all pile up, we will have nothing to use and we'll be surrounding by decaying food for 24+ hours. Oh I'll just jam the stuff in the bin down until it has the density of a black hole and when it's really too full I'll balance a plastic bag on top and use that, until I can get around to being arsed to do it.

We have DC and I am just not happy to be surrounded by filth. I don't do the dishes, unless he's ill etc but I do often end up doing the bin.

Have lost it this morning after he had left the dishes all day yesterday and then not done them this morning (morning is when he does it if at all, if it gets to the evening then fuck it, it's telly/social network time) as he was too busy looking at phone/having a nice relaxing breakfast while I hared around trying to get up / look after clingy DC at the same time.

He has been away for work recently, it was fucking hard work with the kids and I missed him, but whatever it took, I kept on top of the basics. Dishes, washing and bin. So we can have a fundamental level of cleanliness and functionality. I didn't watch telly in the evenings, I caught up with the house jobs I couldn't do during the day because I was too busy with work/the DC. I also made sure everything was done before he got back so he wouldn't have a pile of our mess facing him when he got home.

He comes back, "forgets" the dishes, "forgets" the bin needs doing, goes on his phone and watches telly. HOW CAN HE FORGET IT IS STARING HIM IN THE FACE!? So now he's back I have a choice of living surrounded by dirt or doing it all myself.

He says I just need to remind him the bin is full. FFS YOU HAVE EYES!

This is NOT a show home, I would love to live in a sparkling clean home but it's not an option. Floors don't get cleaned for weeks (his job), hoovering is monthly if that, dust is everywhere, toys scattered around etc, I accept that. Work, DC and exhaustion mean I do let a lot go, I recognise we can't do everything. This isn't about being anal or picky. I just want him to do his jobs without having to nag, have rows or just do it the fuck myself!

Now I have ranted at him this morning and upset the DC :( and upset myself.

[doziedoozie]

He needs his jobs to be unavoidable.

eg cooks evening meal, shopping.

[clam]

Yes, he has eyes, but he also clearly has a higher mess threshold than you, meaning it doesn't bother him in the slightest to see the bin overflowing.
So whilst I agree with you that you shouldn't have to tell him these things, for the bin I would remind him. He's "given you permission" to do so, so can't pull the "you're nagging" card.

[BinBagBertha]

If he was responsible for the shopping it would be impossibly expensive. He buys everything needed for one meal at vast expense (best of everything) and throws away the leftovers - he can't handle meal planning, budgeting or using up leftovers efficiently. He doesn't look out for special offers or buy own brand. I have tried sending him shopping, we get loads of posh stuff for a posh meal and none of the everyday ongoing basics, and it costs twice what it should.

He can cook and occasionally does, but on weekdays he's not home in time. he gets in at 6.30 and we need to eat on the dot them so we can get on and do bedtime.

[BinBagBertha]

You're right about the mess threshold. When he lived with a flatmate their kitchen was full of full bin bags because they couldn't be bothered to take them to the outside bin, they just put a new one in and leaned the old one up next to the bin

I should add that it's not as if nagging work either, certainly not first time. If I say "the bin needs emptying, please do it" it could still be several days.

[fuzzpig]

Changing his jobs would be a cop out for him I think. He sounds like a knob. There can't be that much to do dishes-wise if you have a dishwasher

[hercules1]

No advice, just sympathy. Dh and I don't have our own jobs. Neither of us lazy though and we work as a team and between us do what needs to be done. Just depends on who is there at that time.
Not sure what you do when one of you is lazy. I expect most methods would only have a short term effect and he'd soon resort back to his usual self.
Heinsight is a wonderful thing but I guess the thing to have done is find this out pre children.

[hercules1]

Ahhh, Bertha, those bin bags in his flat should have prewarned you. Should teach that in schools.

[BobPatandIgglePiggle]

Turn his wifi off until it's done

Put the telly on toddler time setting with only you knowing the password

If he's going to behave like a baby then treat him like one.

[BinBagBertha]

Ha ha thanks hercules that made me laugh. I'll just get on the phone to Stephen Hawking and sort out a time travel trip :)

I did know he was lazy, he knows it himself too. But (don't roll your eyes, I know they always say this) he is a nice person, kind funny etc. and very clever. I thought his basic decency would override the laziness when it was important. (And to be fair it does in a way because from his POV I'm sure he does a hell of a lot more housework than comes naturally.)

We had to instigate the specific jobs thing because before that, it was me doing everything, or having to nag and nag and cajole to get him to do anything at all. By having "his jobs" it's easier for him to get into more of a routine because he knows x has to be done. So it is better this way. I am just at the end of my rope after a week of being on my own doing everything and stupidly hoping once he was back, things would get easier. Instead they have just got filthier and it upsets me.

He is a highly intelligent, absent-minded boffin type. I accept that maybe he really does not see or care about mess. But he should care about us. Well that's how it feels today.

[hercules1]

What about getting a cleaner?

[BinBagBertha]

Wifi won't work, he has all the tech known to humanity and would get online via one of his many roaming devices.

Liking the telly idea.

I have also suggested that for every day that goes by with him giving the dishes a miss (unless a good excuse) and every time he lets the bin overflow, I will chalk it up and that will be a load of his washing I "forget" to do. But that is so childish and anyway he would just get old pants out of the basket or buy some more.

[doziedoozie]

Look, you have given him the easy jobs, you are doing way more than him.

How you change him depends on how much arguing you can cope with – I would lose the rag and chuck out the tele or something.

Imv it’s going to take desperate measures. What about no one sits down until everything is done.

[Nocomet]

DH´s student bedsit was a tip, 25 years later he has not improved, but neither have I.

At some point I'll stop MNing and fill the dishwasher.

So OP I can't offer a magic solution, either you marry someone anal about mess, you lower your standards, or you nag.

This house does a fair bit of the last two, and to be fair we both nag suggest the other does things.

[BinBagBertha]

I think a cleaner could be a solution, but I've always put it off because of embarrassment. I work at home and it would of course be me who has to deal with the cleaner, chat to them, pay them etc. Plus our house is a tip and I'd have to tidy it all the time so they could clean. Also, it's not really the cleaning that's a priority - it would be nice to have a spotless bathroom but what would really help is someone to do the daily grind - dishes, sweep floor, general tidying. A cleaner would come once a week so wouldn't solve the daily frustration.

I need a robot.

[Mrswellyboot]

Er, I don't know. I do everything - food shopping, cleaning, washing, windows, floors, dishes.. with the exception of the bin and dh does that no problem. He said he would do more but I already have it done. So I gave him ironing. . he was going to work looking a mess.. So now I iron too.

I just can't live with dirty dishes, mess and that so I just clean. I clean the floors daily etc. but I just prefer it.

[clam]

Yes, this one will be hard to crack unless you get heavy about it and be prepared to do things that shouldn't be necessary but look like they are in this case. Chuck your toys out of the pram, big time, and if that means being petty for a while and not doing his laundry or cooking or sex then so be it. Show him this is all really upsetting you. Make sure he knows it's not even just about the actual tasks/mess, but his apparent disregard for your feelings.

[BinBagBertha]

I have lowered my standards, I really really have. It pains me to live in this tip and I could easily spend my life cleaning and tidying and primping to get it how I would like it, but I accept that I have small DC, a messy partner, a job, a life etc and other things matter more.

[Mrswellyboot]

Oh, I have some tricks. I batch cook so some days I just pop something homemade into the oven in a disposable tray so no cooking. That's when I tackle the cleaning. Also have a seven month old baby and work full time so life is exciting

[DistanceCall]

Get a cleaner. No embarrassment - you'll be paying good money to someone who needs it. And there's no need to chat with them beyond what is required to be polite - it's a job like any else.

It might be a way to force you and your husband to be tidier. Having someone from outside come in does make a difference.

And even if it's only once a week, it really does help.

[BinBagBertha]

Sorry MrsWelly that post was not aimed at you at all. I would like to be like you and keep the high standard that I would enjoy living in (and before I lived with DP/had kids, I did) but I literally don't have time. Do you WOHM and if so how do you fit it in?

[BinBagBertha]

Oops x-posted Welly

I think you may be more efficient than me!

[clam]

Having a cleaner isn't going to help if the bin needs emptying on one of the 6 days of the week she isn't in. Ditto the washing up.

[mercibucket]

get a whole load of plastic crates

every time dishes need doing and there is no room in the sink, put them in the crate

put everything in the crate

put his dirty clothes in the crate

put his untidy stuff in the crate

keep the crates out of sight eg outside, in a shed, in a cupboard

ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore

just do yours and the kids stuff

i dont have your problem. that is because i would go apeshit crazy and dh knows not not to take the piss

[mamas12]

He is being disrespectful so tell him that
I've said thus before but what I did was told him the next time I find that xx isn't done I will put it in his car, then his side of the bed and then in his briefcase
It worked when he opened his briefcase at a meeting once and a pile if his skanky pants were in there and it embarressed the hell out of him
You really need to tell him disrespected you feel and how bad fir your opinion of him that makes it impossible to find him attractive and does he really want a resentful wife?

[namechangenumber5]

In my sad experience men will always see this as womens work, and when they do their fair share either we are still ultimately in charge or they feel somehow virtuous for doing their own part. You have moved on up the developmental chain. He hasn't. Mines the same, lovely wonderful kind intelligent emotionally in tune... then when it comes to housework he's suddenly a little boy in the 1950's.