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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

ending my affair

51 replies

evey44 · 17/04/2014 20:17

I would love some advice. I have been having an affair for 16 months and I just can't stand the hurt anymore. I am married and I love my husband but I also love the man I'm having the affair with. We have become really close and tell each other everything...but deep down I know it could never work. We are killing each other.. he needs to move on and find someone to start a life with, but can't while we are seeing each other. We try and stop but keep starting up again but it really does have to end as I am in such a state. I just miss him so much and don't know what to do. I know it's wrong but I just need some advice. Thank you

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TheTwistedYarn · 17/04/2014 20:26

Unfortunately, I think you probably know what to do, but it just feels too painful. Maybe you're hoping for some solution that eases the pain, but in the short term there probably isn't one. I'm sure you know this, but the answer is to finish it, cut contact completely, and throw everything you can into enhancing your marriage. You say that you love your husband - that's good, that's something to build on. Good luck.

evey44 · 17/04/2014 20:29

Thank you so much. I know you're right it's just so hard. He keeps sending me texts saying how much he loves and misses me. I do love my husband and I really am going to try and put all my energy into making that work. I'm just scared I go back.

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TheTwistedYarn · 17/04/2014 20:34

It won't be over whilst he sends those texts. Can you block his number? Get him to agree not to contact you? Get a new phone with a new number?

24663664 · 17/04/2014 20:39

Do the right thing. Get out of the affair. You lose the OM but gain the feel good factor in going back to DH and honouring your marriage vows. Cheating is never right and you don't want to live with your guilt for the rest of your life. Stop meeting, stop texting, stop dreaming, stop calling, destroy all the memories and start doing the right thing from tonight. It will be very painful for a few months and then...all will be much better. Go for it. HTH!

emeraldeye13 · 17/04/2014 20:41

How did u meet your lover ? And how long have u been married? You sound so torn, your not the first and won't be the last to be in this situation, people will be harsh on here I fear but I hope someone can give u some comfort and help to clear your troubled mind... it will all work out, give yourself a breather and try to love Yourself , good luck BTW.

Fairenuff · 17/04/2014 20:51

How do you show your love for your dh? Are you honest with him, do you 'tell each other everything' like you do with your om? Or do you lie to him?

Because that's not love. When you love someone you don't do the very thing that you know would hurt them.

evey44 · 17/04/2014 20:55

I have told him not to text anymore. I just feel soill. ..

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worsestershiresauce · 17/04/2014 20:56

You say you love your DH, but do you actually want to be with him? Loving someone, and committing to them for life are not the same thing.

If you do, then the best possible thing you can do for yourself (and him) is to consciously spend the time you currently have invested in thinking about and contacting OM on your marriage. You will be amazed at the change that will make. At the moment your DH is getting the crumbs of your attention. He'll feel that, and in return may start to behave differently towards you. Kindness and thoughtfulness breeds the same in return. Coldness and emotional distance destroys any connection you may once have had.

My DH had an affair. During it he was a cold emotionally dead bastard. He never did anything openly horrible, but his attitude to me was dismissive in the extreme. I didn't know about OW. I did know he didn't care.

Now, he invests everything in our marriage and dd. It's like I am married to the man I met all those years ago, not the man I had the misfortune to be living with in recent years.

You can turn this around if you want to. If you don't want to, don't torture yourself. Get out now.

evey44 · 17/04/2014 20:59

I have told him not to text anymore. I just feel so ill. ..

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evey44 · 17/04/2014 21:00

I have told him not to text anymore. I just feel so ill. ..

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evey44 · 17/04/2014 21:04

I really appreciate you taking the time to give your advice. I really do love my husband and I probably have been cold and not paying him enough attention. I intend to start to put all my efforts into turning this around. I know I've been a bad wife I just want to try and be the persin I know that I am .

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Fairenuff · 17/04/2014 21:07

So, what is it that you love about your dh? How do you treat him that reflects this love?

What you're saying about lying and cheating doesn't really add up to loving him does it. You're not here posting about your love for him. You are all about yourself.

That's not love, OP.

evey44 · 17/04/2014 21:07

Thank you emerald eye 13 I appreciate your kind words. I know I have done wrong just want to make things right

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nicenewusername · 17/04/2014 21:08

Do you have any children with your husband?

evey44 · 17/04/2014 21:11

Yes 2 children but they're older now.

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bluebell345 · 17/04/2014 21:12

why did the affair start? were there any problems in your marriage?

emeraldeye13 · 17/04/2014 21:12

Can I just say that to have such a long close affair trees surely something amiss at home, you say you love DH ... is it your love or a guilty conscience that's making u face up to things.... can be so confusing but its important to mean t with all your heart if you continue the marriage... you don't want to be this unhappy again later down the line.

KathrynJaneway · 17/04/2014 21:14

Why do you think you started the affair? Have you thought about getting counselling? If you are going to end it you need to go nc completely, no texting or contact of any kind.

HenI5 · 17/04/2014 21:14

evey, you obviously already know all the things about betrayal, trust, sexual health and infidelity so I will take that as already read.

You say you love your husband. If you try and imagine that you could turn the clock back knowing what you know now, would you still marry him?
Would you marry him knowing that you weren't going to keep those promises you made or would you save him from the heartbreak that he would/will inevitably go through if he knew how you've been deceiving him?
Is the affair worth it when you think of this?

If that doesn't move you think about how you'd feel if you were a faithful wife who found out that her husband was not only having an affair but loved his other woman, how would that make you feel and how would it affect your life and your future.

It's a terribly cruel position to put anyone in.
The other man would be free to live an honest life. You need to make some decisions and then stick to them.

emeraldeye13 · 17/04/2014 21:17

Oh evey44, your welcome and I hope you will be OK, sorry for bad spelling just now, rushing it because it is obvious you need kind words and regain your self esteem a bit, I'm sure you're a luvly person but don't do anything because of guilt.... you know who you are and what will make u happy... take care sweety x

evey44 · 17/04/2014 21:20

I am having counselling at the moment. .it's helping me but is also really hard. I know I have done wrong. I never went looking for this it was a friendship that turned into more. I will try with all my heart to work on my marriage and I definitely can't do that while I am still seeing this other man.

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evey44 · 17/04/2014 21:21

Thank you emerald eye 13. ..so in need of advice thank you. X

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LucyInTheSky78 · 24/04/2014 14:09

Jeez, it amazes me how alike cheaters are in their thinking.

You've been shitting on your family from a great height but you're in pain from trying to break it off?

There's no remorse here. Just selfish narcissism. Do your husband a favour: explain to him the truth, leave your marriage and pay all his legal bills. If you 'love' him, it's the least you can do to save him from a life time of misery. You won't do that though. You like cake too much.

AuntieStella · 24/04/2014 14:18

The thing that struck me is that you said you are scared to go back to your marriage.

I don't think you have much of a chance to rebuild your marriage with a barrier like that in your thinking.

Have you considered individual counselling to explore what your thoughts really are? For you need to sort yourself out before you can decide what future you really want and how you get there.

My thoughts for the way ahead to do this are to end the affair decisively, with full No Contact (for there really is no way you can look to see if you want to rebuild your marriage if your head is full of OM) but also consider a separation from your DH for a while to work out what it is you really want. Your H will know that something is up, even if he does not know what, as you cannot have been doing right by your family for some time now with so much emotional energy elsewhere. So a separation may well not be unexpected - or indeed unwelcome - and will give you both a chance to decide priorities and them see how they can be acted on.

Fontella · 24/04/2014 14:20

Evey, you probably aren't going to like my response but there's something very important you seem to be overlooking.

I understand you are 'in a state' but with respect, you put yourself there and everything that has happened to you is as a result of your own actions.

Meanwhile there is an innocent party in all this - the man you married - and with respect, it is him you should be thinking of rather than yourself and what a state you are in?

You say you love your husband, and want to end things with your lover so that you can focus on your marriage.

Is your husband aware that you've been sneaking around behind his back for almost year and a half, having sex with another man, sharing confidences with another man, telling another man you love him and having a full blown emotional and sexual extra-marital affair?

If not, perhaps you ought to tell him so at least then he can also decide whether he wants to stay married to you?

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